06 - The (Not so) Great Escape! (Redux Edition)
"I have a really bad feeling about this. Are you sure we made the right move?"
...
...
...
"Probably not."
Episode 1 ACT II: His Rise To Power!
The six mares fell back, fatigue wracking their bodies from using the elements once more.
Celestia gave a sigh of relief. That creature had been a pain in her flank for awhile now, but finally, he was locked up in the ultimate prison.
Connery NotEvilGuy...
She wouldn't normally get so frustrated, or at least expressed it as she had today. But she could afford no chances with him. After the recent invasion on her city by Chrysalis and her changelings, she felt that she needed to be more on guard, not wanting a repeat of another invasion in her hooves. She had given this being a chance, but after he admitted of bearing evil intentions, she felt that she had no choice but to stop him before anything drastic happened. He was unpredictable, he was irrational, he was... alien... to her. She hoped that this justified her paranoia and actions today.
Although, there was still the matter of his robots running amok around Equestria, she at least got rid of their ridiculous leader. No more crazy hi-jinks, no more head-bashing interrogations. Finally, it would just be peace and quiet from here on ou-
"Oh god, that was trippy..."
OH DAMN IT ALL TO TARTARUS!
Celestia and the element bearers stared at Connery as he slowly sat up, groaning. Needless to say, they were all shocked.
"But... How is this possible? How could the elements have no effect on you?" Celestia asked.
There was no way he could have just shrugged off Equestria's most powerful weapon so easily!
"I have no idea what you're talking about." he strained to say. "I feel like a piece of- HOLY SHIT!"
He suddenly jumped to a standing position, as if he had just gained a burst of energy from nowhere. The ponies slowly stepped back in fear.
Celestia started to sense a familiar magic tremendously growing inside of him. There was so much raw magical energy, more than his body seemed capable of containing or controlling. Connery's body twitched and vibrated, and his body started to glow from the magic he held inside.
"I... I..." He stuttered.
The energy inside of him slowly released into the room, producing a heavy wind-storm around him.
"Feel..."
As Celestia sensed the magic growing even stronger inside him, the wind started to blow heavier and stronger. His body was almost at its peak, until it could no longer contain the power-surge any longer.
"INCREDIBLE!"
*SNAP*
In one quick motion, he snapped of all of the chains covering him. He could no longer hold back, and released all of the magic energy at once, his body glowing an almost seizure-inducing multitude of colors, and producing so much wind, that it blew away Celestia and the Element users to the air.
"WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOIN' ON?!"
"MY MANE IS GETTING ALL FRAZZLED!"
"EEEEEEEP!"
"WHAT'S HAPPENING?!"
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"PRINCESS CELESTIA! WHAT'S GOING ON?!" Twilight yelled through the wind-storm.
"I DON'T KNOW! IT'S AS IF HE ABSORBED THE ELEMENTS' POWER!"
"HE CAN DO THAT?!"
"NO! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THAT!"
Celestia was too disoriented to concentrate on any spells to stop this madness. She could only fear what evil, diabolical, or sick thoughts were going through in his unpredictable mind.
Meanwhile, in Connery's point of view...
THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, OH THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GOES ROUND AND ROUND-
When everything seemed like it was going to be the end of the world as they knew it...
*FIZZLE* *PBHT*
The sudden burst of magic quickly disappeared, fortunately for them. The bright colorful glow from Connery faded out, the wind-storm in the room died, and Celestia could no longer sense the magical presence inside of him.
With that, Connery fell down to his knees, gasping in exhaustion, and the ponies landed back onto the floor, safe and sound.
OH MY GOD THAT WAS THE BEST FEELING EVER.
What the hell just happened?! The last thing I remembered was eating my ice cream, getting blasted by rainbows, and waking up to feel something equivalent to having twenty Red Bulls injected into my veins.
But there was something else though... something happened in between those events, but what?
...
Hey, where did my Rocky Road go?
"You!" The angry voice of a pony princess took me out of my thoughts. I looked up from my position to see Celestia with her super glare. "I demand that you explain what happened just now!"
Still gasping for air, I took my time to respond. "I have... no fucking clue what happened... but you can bet your almighty shining butt... that it was awesome..." I said to her, chuckling in between breaths.
She, however, was less than amused. Using her "Scary Eyes of Doom!" made me slowly adapt my humorous chuckle into nervous giggling.
I noticed that I somehow broke free of my chains, and immediately thought of a genius plan of escape.
"So... uh... Do you eat cake alot? You seem to have some stuck in your teeth."
My question successfully caught her off guard! She stopped glaring at me and started to self-consciously lick her teeth, which I used as the opportunity to quickly dash past her and my disoriented group of executors.
I took a quick glance back at them. Although surprised, and probably irritated at how easily I had I tricked her, she knocked out of her stupor, and proceeded to fired a beam of magic to stop me from escaping.
Oh right... I forgot that they could do that.
"Oh balls." I whimpered, before blocking myself in vain.
I flinched as I waited for the familiar sensation of morphing into a frog to hit me!
...
...
Any moment now...
...
Frog legs and arms at any moment...
...
Ok, what the hell was going on?
I hesitantly peeked an eye open to see the incoming beam, but to my surprise, there was none at all. I let my arms down and wondered if I just imagined Celestia shooting at me.
I saw Celestia on the far end of the room, looking just as confused as me. So she shot another beam at me, which caused me to flinch again. But I didn't feel anything. No frozen body, no extreme heat, green frog skin or the urge to eat insects...
Celestia, seeing that she didn't even leave so much as a scratch, proceeded to shoot multiple magic beams at me. Curious as to what was happening, I stopped myself from flinching as they impacted. All of them, direct hits. Yet none had any effect on me...
Strange, but I wasn't complaining.
I looked directly at Celestia, shrugged at her, and proceeded to fucking run out the door while I still could.
"Well, that was easy! I wonder if she let me go on purpose?" I asked myself, running down a hallway.
"GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRDS!!!"
"WELP, THAT ANSWERS THAT QUESTION!" I said frantically, picking up the pace before I faced the wrath of an angry princess.
"What in da world jus' happened?" Applejack asked, still trying to regain her footing from the nasty wind-storm earlier.
"I don't know, but I wanna do it again!" Pinkie said, bouncing around in joy.
"Oh, just look at my mane! It'll take hours to get it back into pristine condition again!" A certain fashionista complained. "Ooh, wait until I get my hooves on that ruffian!" She growled, pretending to strangle someone in front of her.
Twilight walked up to her dumbfounded mentor, still staring at the spot where the already long-gone alien had escaped, and said "Princess Celestia... What's going on? The elements, they did something to him... I felt a powerful magical energy during all that, and it felt dangerously similar to the elements themselves..." She paused, hesitant and scared to ask. "Did... did he somehow steal their power?"
"No... Twilight." Celestia slowly answered. "You can't just absorb a full blast from something like the elements, and still survive like that... The only way he could have achieved that was if the elements purposely gave it to him themselves."
"But that can't be it! None of us would just give him our magic on purpose!"
"Of course you wouldn't, I would never accuse you or your friends for something like that." She assured Twilight. "But the elements would have worked on him if he was evil as he said he was... Why would they help him?" She looked back at the door. "Who is he, really?"
"QUICK, IT RAN OVER THIS WAY!"
"Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!" I kept chanting to myself, trying to run away from the guards yet again. I seemed to have somehow gotten lost in the castle. I had no idea where I was going.
No matter which door or window I opened or broke, there were guards just waiting for me on the other side. Flying guards, magic guards, just a whole plain fucking load of guards.
I seemed to be doing a pretty damn good job outrunning them though. I'd been running for the past 10 minutes, and I still hadn't even dropped a sweat. It was probably just the adrenaline rush though.
"FUCKING HELL! HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?! IT'S LIKE THIS DAMN PLACE IS A MAZE!" I yelled to myself. "God damnit! What the hell do I have to do?! It's not like something conveniently useful can just randomly appear to help me get out of here!"
I ran past another hallway, still having difficulty trying to escape... Until I backed up a bit, and look at the fine item in front of me.
"This... is convenient, yet highly illogical... JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT!"
Meanwhile, outside one of the castle windows, we see the window in it's perfect and natural habitat, standing there in the wall, minding it's own business. Yes, it is such a beautiful and majestic window. One could look at it, and just admire it all day long, knowing that it will stay there, undisturbed, and happily existing, peacefu-
*CRASH*
"SHOUT-OUT TO SETHI, WHOEVER THE FUCK THAT IS!"
And then a random ice cream truck drove through the window, dropping down to the streets of Canterlot, as it drove as fast as an... ice cream truck. The civilians in the streets ducked out of the way of the rampaging vehicle, making its way to wherever the hell it was trying to go.
As I kept driving, I could almost see the edge of the city! I EVILLY laughed in triumph. "MUAHAHAHAHA! Nothing can stop me now! The only way this could get screwed over, is that ANOTHER random thing just showed up out of nowhere! AND THE CHANCES OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENING ARE AS SLIM AS A-"
Just then, a random guard with aviator glasses landed in front of the windshield, carrying a spear with him.
"Yeah, I was totally tempting fate right there." I deadpanned.
Taking the spear, he smirked like a badass, and stabbed it into the engine. Giving a mock salute, he quickly jumped off the truck, leaving me inside the now uncontrollable truck that was about to drive off the edge of the fucking city.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK-"
Meanwhile, in the town of Ponyville.
A large group of robots were gathered around near the edge of the Everfree forest in front of a crappy makeshift tombstone.
They all seemed to be making weird scratching noises, similar to crying and weeping. The markings on the tombstone were carved,
"Connery NotEvilGuy,
For he died so young, and so evil."
"*Sobbing* Oh! He was the best evil emperor we ever had! Why did he have to die so soon?!" A yellow bot wiped his imaginary tears away.
"It's ok C-Bot 9043... At least he died how he always wanted... Embarrassingly." Another yellow bot said, comforting the crying bot.
"I'm going to miss that crazy bastard... Why, I can almost hear him... Cussing like a madman, like he usually does." A blue bot said to himself.
"Yeah. I know what you mean. I feel like I can hear him too. Repeating the f-word over and over again." The red bot next to him said.
"... Wait, I can hear that too."
"Yeah, so do I!"
"LOOK! ABOVE US IN THE SKY!"
They all looked above to see an incoming ice cream truck hurling towards them. Inside the truck, they could hear the chanting curses of a familiar voice.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK-"
*CRASH*
An ice cream truck slammed into the ground in front of them, the door opening to reveal a pale-white faced emperor, scared out of his balls.
A collection of gasps rose from the minion bots at the sight of their good ol' leader, alive and well.
Connery stood there, and stared at all of them. No one said anything at all. It was pure and absolute silence.
Eventually, Connery spoke.
"I WAS FROZEN TODAY!"
"Oh hey, I get that reference."
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Bloody hell mate my brain was just recovering from batshit logic and you throw this at me, why was there a ice cream truck there?! Why is that one guard better than the whole guards combined?! And why hasn't big sunbutt suffered an aneurysm from this guy?!
.........*sigh* forget it, I need to stop questioning this or else my brain spontaneously combust, honestly that sounds better at the moment.
3616897
Well, I can't answer all of them, but I can tell you one thing!
That guard? He has aviators. Therefore badass,
Most epic thing ever!!!
2 chapters later...
Ah, there it is.
......... I feel so honored
3616901
>What my brain is telling me to do.
ueak.net/crash/pictures/deal.gif
>What I'm actually feeling.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/343/459/825.gif
I just had to stop here for five minutes, until i could stop from laughing to death.
3616897 He obvs got the ice cream truck from the same ice cream parlour in the castle.
"Happen" should be "happened."
You neglected to fully capitalize the vulgarity before this bit of narration, you only capitalized the F's. With these, as well as all the others, you need some form of punctuation between them, like exclamation points or commas.
Ole is a Spanish exclamation, I believe it means bravo. The "word" you are looking for is ol', slang for old... Or, perhaps, you were trying to type old and accidentally hit the e key instead.
[Insert random witty compliment here.] KBO.
"I WAS FROZEN TODAY!"
Best argument ever given in the history of everything.
HE SAID THE THING!REJOICE!
3616897
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DRUNK WHILE READING THIS.
YOU SOUND SOBER.
HOW DARE THEE!
3617140 im not drunk, im just naturally crazy
3617187
Same here.
3617190>>3617187
I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF THIS TOOTHPASTE TASTE LIKE COCAINE OR NOT!
3617190 is it sad that i understand what is happening though?
3617194
TOOTHPASTE DOES NOT EXIST.
THERE ARE ONLY DRUGS.
AND ICE CREAM, BUT THE ICE CREAM MAY ALSO BE DRUGS.
3617194 why not both?
3617197 pfft drugs are overrated, coffee mixed with 5 hr energy. that'll get you going
3617201
COFFEE MIXED WITH ENERGY MIXED WITH DRUGS MIXED WITH SOME PINK STUFF MIXED WITH CAFFEINE MIXED WITH-
You get the idea.
3617207
... Wow.
3617202i drink powerade
3617197 I read this in fact core's voice.
3583963
Heheheheheheheh.
Well congratulations, Connery you evil mastermind you. You made my boss look at me funny from how hard your story made me giggle!
... but I'm on my break, so I'm allowed to read fics and snicker like a maniac as much as I want.
Seriously, this fic is the perfect anti-depression medicine.
Wait... Stanley Parable reference? Or just the same creepy British narrator
3617111
GIVE ME MY MUTHA FUCKING ICE CREAM!!!!
3617948
3616897
THAT SNIPER IS A SPY!
Connery looks epic in your picture dude!!!
3617405
Whos fact core?
3617195
Nope! All of us understand!
ALL OF US.
ALL.OF.US.
3617345
How about mixing the stuff i mentioned WITH powerade?
Then giving it to pinkie?
Then hiding in a bunker with walls the size of the sun?
3620944 AI Sphere from the game Portal 2. Featured in the following video are Adventure Core (Rainbow Dash), Space Core (Pinkie Pie), and Fact Core (Applejack). Fact Core shows up at 1:26.
3621488
If you read it in that guys voice, you probably got more lolz out of it than i got writing it.
3617202
I get high before reading this. It works exceedingly well.
3620944I can easily top all of that.
Give Twilight Sparkle Mentats.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png
3621973
Why not use both food items on both ponies?
3621741
All of us do!
It works better for some than it does for others,
For example, I have to get high on bananas.....
3623756oh. my. gursh
3623906
Oh come on! I cant think of a fuwny and wiffy refly for thwat!
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/1/e/clapping_pony_icon___twilight_sparkle_by_taritoons-d5pkpl8.gif fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/7/9/clapping_pony_icon___rarity_by_taritoons-d5pksh9.gif fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/363/c/f/clapping_pony_icon___applejack_by_taritoons-d5pkxsu.gif fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/2/f/clapping_pony_icon___rainbow_dash_by_taritoons-d5pkzrg.gif fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/363/c/3/clapping_pony_icon___fluttershy_by_taritoons-d5pl2gh.gif fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/f/6/clapping_pony_icon___pinkie_pie_by_taritoons-d5pkuzy.gif
3623915
3624061
WHO ARE YOU CLAPPING FOR?
3624213
Why do you say nothing?
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
3624218s1133.photobucket.com/user/jacon12345/media/hDC5EFA5E.jpg.html
3624370
...
I dont get it.
3624499YOU DON'T HAVE TO I'M BEAUTIFUL!
3624517
WHAT THE POTATO?
DID YOU DRINK THE CONCOTION I WAS BREWING UP EARLIER IN THE COMMENTS?
3624529This is how I Am AlL tHe TIEMalskdnaslkd
3624566
Go home random person, you're drunk.