04 - The Day We All First Met... (Redux Edition)
Royal Canterlot Castle
Evil Overlord Empire of Equestria
Probably in the future.
There was a loud noise of laughter, loud enough that it could be heard throughout Canterlot Castle. The laughter came from a group of friends all sitting around in a circle, indulging and reminiscing in some nostalgic memories.
I was telling them of an old classic, where some jerk once told me that I had a bad sense of fashion, and in revenge, I broke into his house and took all of his food, tracked mud on his floor, and set his curtains on fire. That was a good day.
"Oh god, the look on his face when he realized that I was in his house, eating on his sofa! And when he finally noticed me, all I said was, 'Your toilet's clogged. Go fix it.'"
As I finished recounting my story, there was another round of laughter. One of us had laughed so hard that she started pounding on the snack table.
"HA! OH MAN. I can't breathe! HAHAHA!" The cyan pony croaked out.
After everyone calmed down a little, we sipped our drinks to quench our dry, laughing throats. Then my favorite pink pony raised her hoof and kept saying "OOH OOH OOH!" as if she was in preschool.
"Hm... You there, with the curly pink hair that I'm almost certain is a living creature itself." I pointed at her.
She giggled for a bit, "Hey, continue where you left off yesterday! You still remember when we all first met, right?"
Celestia suddenly spewed her drink out, a habit she had gotten ever since I came into her life, and laughed out, "Oh, I remember that day! Haha!"
Next to Celestia, a very wet and annoyed Lunar sibling was giving her the stink eye. "Tia, please. Watch where you spit-take whenever we come back here. This is the second time that has happened today." She complained, wiping herself with a napkin.
Celestia covered a hoof over her mouth, failing to calm her giggles, "*Snicker* Sorry Luna. It's just hard to control myself when recalling some *giggle* fond memories."
Of course she would find that day fond, you crazy sadistic horse princess...
I reached behind me to grab a towel, and tossed it to Luna. She caught it with her magic, and continued to dry herself. "Thank you. Nevertheless, I am also anxious to hear about this part of the story, since I wasn't there for it. Do tell, please?"
"Well, if you guys want." I pulled out my Evil Diary of Memories and Stuff, and opened to the page where I left off. "Let's see here..."
Episode 1: Connery NotEvilGuy
"Well, I'm impressed. You were able to make it farther than last time." A gloating pony princess smiled at me.
So... this was my thirty-seventh attempt to escape... and my thirty-seventh failed attempt now included me getting frozen mid-run by her ice magic.
"I get the feeling that you're enjoying this." Was what I wanted to say, but since my whole face was frozen, it sounded more like "I guh teh helinguh at you're endoying tis." (But for the sake of not having to cringe and cry every time I purposely misspell words, I'll write them normally.)
"Oh? Whatever gave you that impression?" She asked, giving me a seemingly innocent smile.
"I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that you purposely make my cell easy to get out of, and then vent your anger by blasting your painful magic at me whenever I try to escape. What have I been hit with so far? Heat beams, speed magic, I'm also pretty sure you turned me into a frog a few times, and now this ice beam?"
"Well, who's fault is it for not learning their lesson for the thirty-seventh time? I wouldn't have to do this if you just stayed in your cell and behaved." She giggled.
"Pfft! A great scientist always does the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome each time!" I paused, "Or was that something else? Bah, that doesn't matter. Point is, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT! The only way you lose the battle is if you stop trying to win!"
Celestia seemed impressed with my self-motivational speech, before pointing out, "You know, that would have sounded really impressive if your mouth hadn't been frozen."
"Which brings up a good point. How the hell can you understand a word I'm saying?!" I grunted.
"Well, you live long enough, you pick up a few things." She answered vaguely.
...
I didn't know what was scarier: The fact that she did this to god knows how many other people, or the fact that she probably did this longer than I'd like to think.
"Nevertheless, you will EVENTUALLY get too cocky and screw up! When that time comes, I will finally make my escape, and be free once again!" I yelled at her, face frozen with determination. "Just you watch! You'll see!"
Attempt number 257: I was running as fast as I could, acting as if my very life depended on it! The exit was mere inches away from my grasp! Just a little closer... closer... CLOSER!
"You know, no matter how long you keep running in mid-air, you still won't get any nearer to the door." Celestia pointed out as she hovered my sprinting body just inches above the floor.
"That kind of thinking is for quitters! All I have to do is BELIEVE that I'm getting closer! That way I won't have to face the reality of the circumstance and realize that I just failed my attempt to escape again for the damn 250th time!" I wheezed, somehow still running despite my fatigue.
"257th attempt, actually." She corrected me.
"Who cares?!"
I eventually stopped running and tried to catch my breath, which involved lots of wheezing and a noise that I deemed similar to a seal having some kind of death orgasm.
A guard decided to pop up during my seal-death-impression, and told Celestia, "The Elements of Harmony have arrived, your majesty."
"Ah, thank you. You may go back to your duties." She nodded for him to leave before facing back to me, "Well Connery, I have some ponies that I would like for you to meet."
Oh god, my executioners! "Well, uh- um, it would be nice to meet them! But I uh... Can't meet them right now!" I stuttered out.
She rose an eyebrow, "Why?"
"Because... um... I think I hear my dead father coming back to life!" Totally legit reason. "Yup, that's it! Wellsolonggottagokillhimagainbye!" I then ran as fast as I could away from her.
...
Which would have worked if Celestia wasn't still levitating me with her magic.
Celestia cleared throat. "Ahem, Connery?"
"I know, just... give me the false sense... of hope for a moment." I wheezed, continuing to run in vain.
So, after all that nonsense was done and over with, Celestia went and made sure to chain me up so that I wouldn't try to escape my execution.
Never mind what I said about cuffs in the prison cell. THIS RIGHT HERE was overkill. I got chains covering me from my legs to my shoulders.
No, that was not an exaggeration, I GOT CHAINS COVERING ME FROM MY LEGS TO MY SHOULDERS, WITH AT LEAST FIFTY LOCKS ATTACHED.
Anyway, Celestia was levitating my mini-Alcatraz secured body, and took me to a part of the castle somewhere. The room was more like this big long hallway with a long red carpet, and the walls had these weird stained glass windows, showing pictures of ponies doing something or another. There was one that showed what looked like Celestia using some kind of gems to blast away this Dark-Batman-Knight horse to the moon.
After that one, I just opted to not look at anymore of these crazy things, since whoever made them was obviously on crystal meth.
In front of us, I saw six colorful ponies conversing with each other. As they noticed Celestia, they all bowed, except the purple one, who instead ran up to her and shouted "Princess Celestia!" like an old mother she hadn't seen in years.
"Twilight, my most faithful student." Celestia greeted, as they both hugged each other.
D'aaaaaaawwwwww!
As they finished, the purple pony, now known as Twilight, asked, "Did you call us here to talk about the mechanical creatures that are appearing in Ponyville?"
"Something related to that, yes." Celestia levitated me next to her in full view. "He is the reason why those creatures are here."
I guessed that was my cue to introduce myself. "Hello there, little ponies! My name is Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy! Nice to meet all of you!"
Although most of them just looked at me with astonishment, the only one who actually responded was the pink one. "Hi! Nice to meet you too, I'm Pinkie Pie! It's so cool to meet an alien! Where did you come from? Do you like cupcakes? Do you have cupcakes where you come from? Do your robot friends like cupcakes? Do you wanna be friends with me? Do you like parties? I love parties! Do the aliens from your planet do parties? It would be so cool to have an alien as a friend!"
Wow.
"Well hello there, Living Embodiment of Pure Sugar and Heart attacks!" I replied back to the crazy pink pony who seemingly had infinite air in her lungs.
"That's it? That thing is the reason why those alien robots are showing up out of nowhere, a hairless monkey?" The cyan pony with the rainbow hair said with disbelief.
"Actually, I prefer to be called Connery, Emperor, Leader, Crazy bastard, Weirdo, How the hell did you get into my house, or lastly, Quack Quack. Any will do." I corrected.
Cue awkward silence...
...
"Yes, this creature here is the leader of all of those robots." Celestia answered while ignoring me. "That's why I called you all here. So that you may use the Elements on him."
As Celestia walked past the ponies, she set me down on the small staircase, and continued up to this gigantic golden safe. I looked back to see her sticking her horn into a small hole in the safe. Something inside clicked, and she stepped back while the safe opened up to reveal a glass case containing five necklaces and a tiara.
Celestia opened the glass case, and levitated the jewelry over to the other ponies, five of them wearing the necklace, and Twilight wearing the tiara.
Curious as to why they had to wear fancy jewelry for my execution, I asked, "So, uh, you guys keep talking about these 'Elements of Harmony' things. What do they do again?"
"Each of the Elements of Harmony contain one piece of the most ancient and most powerful magic, representing the good traits within everypony to create peace and harmony in Equestria. The magic within them is used to purge darkness and seal evil away, preventing them from ever tainting our land or ever causing destruction again." She explained to me. "We shall use this magic to seal you in stone, so that you may never unleash your evil actions upon Equestria."
"Wait, you're going to use this magic jewelry to turn me into a stone statue?! But I wasn't even able to do anything evil yet!" I exclaimed to them. Though, that may have been a poor choice of words. Most of them were glaring at me now, except the yellow one, and Pink Sugar over there.
"And we'll make sure it stays that way." Celestia said to me sternly.
"Aw, we have to use the Elements on him? But I wanted to be friends with an alien!" Pink Sugar said disappointingly.
The rainbow pony gave her an annoyed look, "Pinkie, it just admitted that it was about to do evil things to us! Heck, it even admitted being evil! You still want to be friends with it?"
Pinkie, as they called her, still seemed disappointed about losing a possible friend so soon, and just sulked.... Was it just me, or did her hair deflate a little bit?
"Alright girls, let's wrap this up and perform the spell." Twilight said in an authoritative tone.
They stood in formation and closed their eyes. But before anything happened, I desperately yelled, "WAIT!"
Thankfully, they did wait. I took a deep breath to calm myself, before asking, "Before you continue, just let me ask for one final request... May I have my last and final scoop of Rocky Road Ice Cream?"
Pinkie responded almost immediately. She zoomed out the room, and came back not even a second later, holding a Rocky Road ice cream right in front of me. "Here you go!"
"Thanks Pinkie!" I easily tugged my arm out from my chains, grabbed the frozen treat, and proceeded to nonchalantly lick it. Pinkie bounced back to her position with a smile, while her friends just stared at both of us in surprise.
Celestia gaped at me in shock, staring intensely at my arm that was holding the Rocky Road.
"Sugarcube," The orange pony with the stetson asked, "where did you get the ice cream?"
"Oh, you know. The castle's Ice Cream Parlor." Pinkie answered.
You know, it might just be my imagination, but I think I heard something break inside Celestia. Like, literally, I heard shattering glass inside of her.
"Okay. I'm good! You can do the thing now." I told them, still casually eating my ice cream.
They hesitated for a second, before they continued with whatever it was they were doing. They closed their eyes, and a sudden flash of light appeared around them, followed by two beams of rainbows circling each other upward. As the beams collided, the rainbow beam came blasting towards me.
All I could do was to stare in awe, still eating my Rocky Road, before the beams finally shot through me.
So, I'm dead now. I guess...
If I ever regretted anything during my time here, it's that I wasn't able to make a reference to 'Suburban Commando.'
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Dude, you forgot to message me with this to edit it!
3596728
Oh right! Sorry, I forgot I had an editor
3596729
3596729 Den the Elements of Harmony don't work!! Because he da SCATMAN!!
Oh gods, I'm crying!, I'm laughting so hard that I'm actually crying!
...
...I'm haveing slight problems breathing right now...
I am Connery NotEvilGuy! I will give you all ice cream* from my Ice Cream Parlor in my castle!
*in any flavor
Hilarious story, a little strange but, still pretty good. liked and faved
PLEASE UPDATE THIS IT IS BRILLIANT
LIKE A MAGNIFICENT FATHER, IF ONLY I COULD BE SO GROSSLY INCANDESCENT
3596890
K.
Good chapter.
This fic is sooooo much win, i keep laughing my ass off every single time
3598103
Good thing for you, THERE WILL BE MORE!
Comedy australium here mate.
You have one too many spaces between "traits" and "within." Other than that, I could not find anything wrong with this story. I must be slipping. Anyway, keep producing quality zaniness like this, and you may... I do not know... have another chapter? I kind of forgot what I was going to type. Oh, well. KBO.
i bet they do nothing to him
I WAS FROZEN TODAY!
3600653
Yay
I love this
This is the first fic that I've read in a long time that made me laugh this hard. Great job!
there should be some sort of acheivement for breaking a thousands year old goddess
3617121
i290.photobucket.com/albums/ll250/HaloPlayerA27/BleepBloop-1.png
Derp
Thats actually the true definition of stupid.
But that in of itself, is a reference?
Forget it this guy is nearly Pinkie levels of confusing, and thats exactly the way I lik- HOLY SHIT ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!!! *Sounds of phone dropping and footsteps getting further awa-* nvm I'm back false alarm no ice cream :(
Finally... I can rest in peace knowing I have for fill my life purpose