But I AM Evil!

by TheNextGamer

01 - Meeting Queen Sunbutt For the First Time. (Redux Edition)

Okay! Before all that, let's rewind a little further back so that I can explain why I was traveling through some random universe portal thing in the first place. But to tell you that, IT'S HISTORY TIIIME!

It all started on a planet called "EARTH." It was the year 2109, in the land of my home, Cluetopia. Or now known legally as, "The Evil Overlord Empire of Cluetopia!" But I'll tell you how that part came to be another day.

Anyway, there I was, in my "Super Secret Base of Evil®" just resting, having a nice time, while also partially drunk... as hell. My minion-bots and I decided to throw a celebration party for our one-year-anniversary for the conquering of my first country! However, during my drunken phase, I somehow built... a transportal gun.

Let me repeat that. I had BUILT a gun, that shoots PORTALS TO ANOTHER UNIVERSE, while I was DRUNK.

WHILE I WAS DRUNK.

So yeah, that happened.

Didn't even know it could do that, until Captain Duck shot it at me- That reminds me, I'll get to him in a bit.

So here's what happened. While I had my hangover...

---

"INTRUDER ALERT!
INTRUDER ALERT!
INTRUDER ALERT!" My extremely loud and noisy computer alarmed the entire base.

Seriously, just imagine having a hangover and listening to THAT repeatedly.

Someone had broken into my evil lair, and that particular someone went by the name of Captain Duck, my dear old nemesis. He had just broken down the door to the room that I had woken up in, and my minion-bots were going into hysterics.

Captain Duck is a... Well this is kinda hard to explain his appearance since he's a... um...

"QUACK QUACK QUACK!"

Duck... With a cape.

Yeah. He was my greatest nemesis...

*Fun fact: He's also a direct descendant of the Aflac commercial duck. Imagine that.*

So anyway, there he was, breaking down doors, destroying my equipment and robots. And there I was, screaming like a little girl, "AAAHH! DEAR GOD WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" with green laser beams flying everywhere, my minions trying to shoot Captain Duck down... and failing.

Captain Duck was running all around the place, doing ninja-flips, ninja-kicks, just plain ninja-murdering my bots. Then he came running directly at me... and I started wondering where the hell he got that weird gun from.

You could already tell how this was gonna go down.

He shot a portal right behind me, and it sucked up everything like a vacuum. My minion-bots, random computer-junk, nearby empty beer bottles, and also me, who was holding onto a computer console for dear life. But then my fingers started slipping, and I thought, "Wow. I'm probably going to die... Neat!"

So, I wanted to yell out my last final evil words to the hero, you know, because I'm the evil villain and such.

"CUURSE YOOUU, CAPTAIN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu........." I lost grip and got sucked into the portal.

---

And that was how I ended up inside an alien prison.

*CLANGCLANG* "HELLO? Whatever it is that you think I did, I was framed for it! Otherwise, I would have gotten away with it!" I loudly exclaimed, banging against my cell wall, my arm and leg cuffs jingling as I do so.

Overkill much? All I did was touch the big white one a few times, took her crown, wore it on my head, rubbed her wings, and hopped on her back to try to fly her. Not like I did anything bad.

"Did I do something offensive? I kinda feel some hostility here!" I continued to yell, only to have silence in response. Although, I heard an annoyed groan outside the room.

Points for me!

You know, they were REALLY lucky that I wasn't acting hostile towards them right now, because they forgot to search me and take away any of my weapons and tools. I still had my emergency belt hidden under my black lab coat, equipped with my "Evil Kit of Escaping Prison-Kit", and my LOLZ-Cannon, a laser-gun that I modified from a stolen laser police pistol thing.

I mean, I could escape right now... Buuuuut that would be boring. Besides, you know what they say: Cats have nine lives, so curiosity can go fuck itself, I have eight more, bitch!

So after being stuck in there for a while, someone finally came in the room. It was Princess Celestia, but I didn't know her name at the time, so I proceeded to greet her as so.

"Hi there, Queen Sunbutt!"

Cliché? Probably. Still a funny nickname though.

She responded to that by pausing mid-step, giving me a surprised yet confused stare. Which I responded with a innocent smile. After a while, she shook her head and greeted me with, "Greetings..."

She walked up to my cage door, and examined me. Studying me. I did the same.

She looked at me, I looked back at her.

She stared at me, I stared back at her.

She had her eyes on me, and I spaced the fuck out due to massive boredom for how long this was taking.

Finally done with ogling at me, she started, "Do you have a name?"

"Why yes, I do." I answered.

"..."

"..."

Celestia awkwardly looked around, bothered by the awkward silence, and asked, "Would you tell me your name then?"

I was gonna take a guess here and say that these horse people don't like evil villains. I should just give her my name, and not my full title, in order to avoid making me seem suspicious. "My name is Connery NotEvilGuy! It's nice to meet you!" I cheerfully and obliviously introduced myself.

"Thank you, Connery Not... EvilGuy? Um... That's quite a strange name you have." She raised her pony eyebrow at me in suspicion.

Taking insult to that, I replied, "Well that's not very nice. You don't see me making fun of YOUR name, Queen Sunbutt!" I gave an indignant 'Hmph' and turned my head away.

"I apologize, I didn't mean it like that..." Pausing, she glared at me bemusedly. "And Queen Sunbutt is not my name." She deadpanned. "I am called Princess Celestia."

"Really? Huh, the tattoo caught me off-guard... Well, at least my name is still better than yours. And more creative. And original... And awesome." I retorted wittingly.

She, obviously, was too starstruck by my words of evil genius wisdom to reply back! Look at her! Look at how she gazed at me with such admiration!

"Riiight..." She dragged out, rubbing her head tiredly.

Okay, so I lied last sentence. I obviously looked like an insane idiot in her eyes. But this was all part of the plan!

What plan? FUCK IF I KNOW WHAT PLAN, BUT I'M ROLLING WITH IT ANYWAY!

"If you could please answer my questions, Mr-" She hesitated for a bit, before sighing in resignation, "NotEvilGuy. If you can prove to me that you meant no harm, I could deem you safe enough to be allowed to leave this prison cage. I imagine that it's quite uncomfortable in there?"

I blankly glanced at my heavily restricted cuffs on my knees and wrist, and the cold and hard prison floor that I was sitting on. Facing back at her, I answered as monotone as I could. "Nah, it's like a freaking luxurious mansion, fit for a king. Whatever gave you the idea that I was uncomfortable, sitting here on this uncomfortable floor, chained in these uncomfortable cuffs?"

She rolled her eyes at my obvious sarcasm. "At least this hopefully means you'll be cooperative." She cleared her throat, beginning her interrogation. "Let's start off with-"

"If you somehow found a rubber chicken under your crown after I wore it, it was definitely not me!"

Awkward pause.

She furrowed her eyebrows, and continued, "Starting off, for what reason did you come here?"

"Well, I didn't really come here willingly. Your guards shackled me and threw me in this little jail cell by force."

She was slowly starting to grow exasperated the more she talked to me, and it showed. "I didn't mean your prison cell, I meant here in this land, called Equestria. I don't recognize your kind, and I can't seem to find any record of your species in the history books. I'm going to safely assume that this is the first time in history that a being like you showed up in our land. Showed up in some sort of portal rift in the middle of castle court, no less. How did you get here?"

"Uh... Would you believe me if I said that I got here by accident because a duck with a cape tried to kill me?"

Using up all of what little patience she had left on me, she face-palmed. Or, face-hoofed, since she was a horse and all.

I was definitely going to like it here.

Author's Note:

*Chapter revised as of July 14, 2015.*

*another joke about jabbing of green thumbs into one's eye.*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Below is the a rough draft of a summary that was meant to be used when this story first came out. I found it distasteful, but couldn't bear to erase it. I leave it here for you all to enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the 'Evil Overlord Empire of Cluetopia', there lived an evil, cruel, and vicious man. He calls himself, Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy! He is most widely known in the land of Cluetopia, as he has conquered and enslave all Cluetopians! Although... They don't really mind at all.
Meet Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy. His most famous crimes committed are:
1. Robbing money from the former government officials of Cluetopia. (Which police reports and evidence say that 'said' officials were smuggling drugs and selling newborn infants. Then he used 'said' money to donate to charity.)
2. Built a laser-cannon that could destroy planets, and already blew up a moon. (Which was from Jupiter, and was coincidentally about to crash to Earth. Laser-cannon was never used again, and no reports show that he ever threatened to use it against us.)
3. Stood on the grass, near a sign that said "Do not stand on grass." (Two times that happened. One time was when the children of 4th Sector of Cluetopia all banded together near the park in protest of the park demolition, and replace it with a factory, which he said "I was just in the area, and I happened to stumble across these brats, and my legs didn't feel like moving away from them. I also just happen to coincidentally brought along my minion-bots." The second time was when he tackled and beat the living crap out of a purse-snatcher, which was also a drug addict that was wanted in all 7 Sectors. Which he then said, "I didn't like his face, that's why I chased after him. I didn't know he stole a purse."
An evil genius mastermind, with an army of robots, had took over all of Cluetopia. Since then, the economy raised, poverty doesn't exist anymore, the homeless had homes, education got better, and crime was reduced. And everyone was happy.

Now let's see what happens when we send him to Equestria. Muahahahaha.

Comments

[boothnat]

HOW EVIL OF HIM.
HE IS SOOOOO HORRIBLE.

[TheNextGamer]

3554507
OH HOW HORRIBLE HE IS INDEED.

Look at that scumbag, using all that money to build houses for the homeless.

HOW DARE HE SAVE OUR PLANET FROM CERTAIN DESTRUCTION FROM THE MOON, OH IT SICKENS ME.

[boothnat]

3554510
EXACTLY. HE IS THE GREATEST VILLAIN TO PLAGUE OUR WORLD.
(no word on that guy who middle fingers homeless people)

[Neko Majin C]

"Evil Kit of Escaping Prison-Kit"

Ha. Welcome to the Department of Redundancy Department, welcome.

She looked at me, I looked back at her.

She stared at me, I stared back at her.

She has her eyes on me, and I spaced the fuck out due to massive boredom for how long this is taking.

Well he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him

And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says "I'm sorry
What did you want again?"

I say "Ketchup!"
And he says "Oh yeah, that's right...
...I just spaced out there for a second
I'm really kind of burnt tonight." - Trapped in the Drive Thru By "Weird Al" Yankovic

Anyway, this is pretty funny, and is one of the Human in Equestria fictions that I have read. True story. Captain Duck is another one of those things whose meaning changes when you insert a comma. Captain, Duck! Like Pepsi's Live for Now slogan. Live, for Now. KBO.

[kildeez]

Welp, you could use an editor, and sometimes I feel like you're trying a bit too hard to be funny and random, but other than that I love the concept and I love your protagonist. You get a gold star for the day! (A fave)

[TheNextGamer]

3554616

YAY! Thank you good sir!

I'll admit, yes, I am indeed trying to hard to make my character seem as random and crazy as he is, trying to think of as many jokes as I can.

Here, take a look of this diagram of how I make my fanfiction stories.i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/640/542/75f.png

[kildeez]

3554648 GOD YES! That diagram summarizes everything perfectly!

[GordonFreebrony]

8I see, I spend all that time writing an alliterated comment and you don't even bother to respond? You are even worse than the an character. You are the lovechild of Hitler, Stalin, the Christian Satan, Pennywise, a woman on her period, Barney the dinosaur, the Darth Maul, Dr. Evil, and Torquemada after they had a massive pan-dimensional orgy.

[Ninjahzzzz]

3554567 i wonder what his grocery list is? (i assume bread,eggs and breaded eggs are on it)

[TheNextGamer]

3554784
I like chocolate toothpaste. They make me hallucinate the best.

[GordonFreebrony]

3554978
.......
I don't even....

[Luna Secret Stallion]

All I did was touch the big white one a few times, took her crown and wore it on my own head, rub her wings, and hopped onto her back and try to fly her. Not like I did anything bad.

I would do the same shit.

[SoullessDCLXVI]

Captain Duck? Nope. Agent D. He just prefers a cape over a fedora.

[TheNextGamer]

3555264

...
...
...
!!!
Genius.

[Banchoking]

Can we send this guy to America next?

[Raistlin]

Connery: "A duck with a gun?"
(duck puts his cape)
Connery: "CAPTAIN DUCK WITH A GUN!

Dude, at least Doofenshmirtz manages to capture his nemesis just enough time to explain him his evil plan of the week.

[Lag Incarnate]

Huh, I've been told I do a pretty good impression of the Aflac duck, but I digress. I love Connery NotEvilGuy, he's such a smartass. I wouldn't mind joining him in getting partially drunk as hell.

[Hallow Head]

Hey... I like your shit. Make more shit like this shit........ Shit.

[TheNextGamer]

3568118
Of course, my pissy friend!

*Ha, see what I did there? You said shit, and I said piss... heheh.

[Skalula7]

3568159

Let me repeat that. I had BUILT a gun, that shoots PORTALS TO ANOTHER UNIVERSE, while I was DRUNK.
WHILE I WAS DRUNK.

DRUNK SCIENCE!

[Reisentanith]

3558441 No, we already have an evil overlord, The world just hasn't noticed it yet.

[Discord_Nations]

Ok, so I lied last paragraph. I obviously look like an insane idiot in her eyes. But this is all part of the plan!

What plan? FUCK IF I KNOW WHAT PLAN. BUT I'M ROLLING WITH IT ANYWAY!

dc536.4shared.com/img/78OfIyCC/s3/Mr-Torgue.jpg

[Bronzer]

Which I responded with a innocent smile.

Leading her to assume that, yes, you really are just that stupid. Which is why she acted nicely.

Also, doesn't the Author's Note at the bottom of this chapter mean Captain Duck is actually a super villain?

[ramseymac]

3559108 Doofenschmirtz isn't partially drunk.

[fedback]

I must say i grave this a pasa because i tought rhat it as yet another cosplay self insert poder fantasy. Must say i al happy i as wrong. Falso he reminds me of the *Soon i will be invincible* guy un the whole not rally that evil thing.

[Ganondad42]

I can vividly see Doctor D. and Perry the platapus doing all of this.

[user123]

"All I did was touch the big white one a few times, took her crown and wore it on my own head, rub her wings, and hopped onto her back and try to fly her. Not like I did anything bad."

I couldn't control my laughter here...LMMFAO!

I'm sorry, but this is the funniest FIMfiction I've ever read.

[Doctor REDACTED]

So when he is drunk it is me sober

[DEAD_ACCOUNT_01]

He made a portal gun while he was drunk, i made a bomb while i was... Yup.

[IcefireInfinite]

My name is Connery NotEvilGuy! It's nice to meet you!

Sol Badguy be damned

[megazerik]

7263694

[ThatBadGuy]

NotEvilGuy hmmm?
Welp I am sure we'll get along just fine!

[Sunsetstarbreeze]

Captian Duck.... Well that answears my question os why theres a duck on the cover.
Also this kinda reminds me of Perry and Doof. For some reason.