//------------------------------// // 01 - Meeting Queen Sunbutt For the First Time. (Redux Edition) // Story: But I AM Evil! // by TheNextGamer //------------------------------// Okay! Before all that, let's rewind a little further back so that I can explain why I was traveling through some random universe portal thing in the first place. But to tell you that, IT'S HISTORY TIIIME! It all started on a planet called "EARTH." It was the year 2109, in the land of my home, Cluetopia. Or now known legally as, "The Evil Overlord Empire of Cluetopia!" But I'll tell you how that part came to be another day. Anyway, there I was, in my "Super Secret Base of Evil®" just resting, having a nice time, while also partially drunk... as hell. My minion-bots and I decided to throw a celebration party for our one-year-anniversary for the conquering of my first country! However, during my drunken phase, I somehow built... a transportal gun. Let me repeat that. I had BUILT a gun, that shoots PORTALS TO ANOTHER UNIVERSE, while I was DRUNK. WHILE I WAS DRUNK. So yeah, that happened. Didn't even know it could do that, until Captain Duck shot it at me- That reminds me, I'll get to him in a bit. So here's what happened. While I had my hangover... "INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" My extremely loud and noisy computer alarmed the entire base. Seriously, just imagine having a hangover and listening to THAT repeatedly. Someone had broken into my evil lair, and that particular someone went by the name of Captain Duck, my dear old nemesis. He had just broken down the door to the room that I had woken up in, and my minion-bots were going into hysterics. Captain Duck is a... Well this is kinda hard to explain his appearance since he's a... um... "QUACK QUACK QUACK!" Duck... With a cape. Yeah. He was my greatest nemesis... *Fun fact: He's also a direct descendant of the Aflac commercial duck. Imagine that.* So anyway, there he was, breaking down doors, destroying my equipment and robots. And there I was, screaming like a little girl, "AAAHH! DEAR GOD WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" with green laser beams flying everywhere, my minions trying to shoot Captain Duck down... and failing. Captain Duck was running all around the place, doing ninja-flips, ninja-kicks, just plain ninja-murdering my bots. Then he came running directly at me... and I started wondering where the hell he got that weird gun from. You could already tell how this was gonna go down. He shot a portal right behind me, and it sucked up everything like a vacuum. My minion-bots, random computer-junk, nearby empty beer bottles, and also me, who was holding onto a computer console for dear life. But then my fingers started slipping, and I thought, "Wow. I'm probably going to die... Neat!" So, I wanted to yell out my last final evil words to the hero, you know, because I'm the evil villain and such. "CUURSE YOOUU, CAPTAIN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu........." I lost grip and got sucked into the portal. And that was how I ended up inside an alien prison. *CLANGCLANG* "HELLO? Whatever it is that you think I did, I was framed for it! Otherwise, I would have gotten away with it!" I loudly exclaimed, banging against my cell wall, my arm and leg cuffs jingling as I do so. Overkill much? All I did was touch the big white one a few times, took her crown, wore it on my head, rubbed her wings, and hopped on her back to try to fly her. Not like I did anything bad. "Did I do something offensive? I kinda feel some hostility here!" I continued to yell, only to have silence in response. Although, I heard an annoyed groan outside the room. Points for me! You know, they were REALLY lucky that I wasn't acting hostile towards them right now, because they forgot to search me and take away any of my weapons and tools. I still had my emergency belt hidden under my black lab coat, equipped with my "Evil Kit of Escaping Prison-Kit", and my LOLZ-Cannon, a laser-gun that I modified from a stolen laser police pistol thing. I mean, I could escape right now... Buuuuut that would be boring. Besides, you know what they say: Cats have nine lives, so curiosity can go fuck itself, I have eight more, bitch! So after being stuck in there for a while, someone finally came in the room. It was Princess Celestia, but I didn't know her name at the time, so I proceeded to greet her as so. "Hi there, Queen Sunbutt!" Cliché? Probably. Still a funny nickname though. She responded to that by pausing mid-step, giving me a surprised yet confused stare. Which I responded with a innocent smile. After a while, she shook her head and greeted me with, "Greetings..." She walked up to my cage door, and examined me. Studying me. I did the same. She looked at me, I looked back at her. She stared at me, I stared back at her. She had her eyes on me, and I spaced the fuck out due to massive boredom for how long this was taking. Finally done with ogling at me, she started, "Do you have a name?" "Why yes, I do." I answered. "..." "..." Celestia awkwardly looked around, bothered by the awkward silence, and asked, "Would you tell me your name then?" I was gonna take a guess here and say that these horse people don't like evil villains. I should just give her my name, and not my full title, in order to avoid making me seem suspicious. "My name is Connery NotEvilGuy! It's nice to meet you!" I cheerfully and obliviously introduced myself. "Thank you, Connery Not... EvilGuy? Um... That's quite a strange name you have." She raised her pony eyebrow at me in suspicion. Taking insult to that, I replied, "Well that's not very nice. You don't see me making fun of YOUR name, Queen Sunbutt!" I gave an indignant 'Hmph' and turned my head away. "I apologize, I didn't mean it like that..." Pausing, she glared at me bemusedly. "And Queen Sunbutt is not my name." She deadpanned. "I am called Princess Celestia." "Really? Huh, the tattoo caught me off-guard... Well, at least my name is still better than yours. And more creative. And original... And awesome." I retorted wittingly. She, obviously, was too starstruck by my words of evil genius wisdom to reply back! Look at her! Look at how she gazed at me with such admiration! "Riiight..." She dragged out, rubbing her head tiredly. Okay, so I lied last sentence. I obviously looked like an insane idiot in her eyes. But this was all part of the plan! What plan? FUCK IF I KNOW WHAT PLAN, BUT I'M ROLLING WITH IT ANYWAY! "If you could please answer my questions, Mr-" She hesitated for a bit, before sighing in resignation, "NotEvilGuy. If you can prove to me that you meant no harm, I could deem you safe enough to be allowed to leave this prison cage. I imagine that it's quite uncomfortable in there?" I blankly glanced at my heavily restricted cuffs on my knees and wrist, and the cold and hard prison floor that I was sitting on. Facing back at her, I answered as monotone as I could. "Nah, it's like a freaking luxurious mansion, fit for a king. Whatever gave you the idea that I was uncomfortable, sitting here on this uncomfortable floor, chained in these uncomfortable cuffs?" She rolled her eyes at my obvious sarcasm. "At least this hopefully means you'll be cooperative." She cleared her throat, beginning her interrogation. "Let's start off with-" "If you somehow found a rubber chicken under your crown after I wore it, it was definitely not me!" Awkward pause. She furrowed her eyebrows, and continued, "Starting off, for what reason did you come here?" "Well, I didn't really come here willingly. Your guards shackled me and threw me in this little jail cell by force." She was slowly starting to grow exasperated the more she talked to me, and it showed. "I didn't mean your prison cell, I meant here in this land, called Equestria. I don't recognize your kind, and I can't seem to find any record of your species in the history books. I'm going to safely assume that this is the first time in history that a being like you showed up in our land. Showed up in some sort of portal rift in the middle of castle court, no less. How did you get here?" "Uh... Would you believe me if I said that I got here by accident because a duck with a cape tried to kill me?" Using up all of what little patience she had left on me, she face-palmed. Or, face-hoofed, since she was a horse and all. I was definitely going to like it here.