//------------------------------// // 13 - Derpy's New Job (Seriously, Screw Writer's Block) // Story: But I AM Evil! // by TheNextGamer //------------------------------// Last time, on But I AM Evil! Deep in the darkest realm of Tartarus, the clashing of swords could be heard. Throughout the underworld lay the many fallen bodies of demons and dark spirits. A battle takes place, between evil and slightly less evil but still sort of evil. Atop a pillar in the sea of lava, stood the two battling swordsmen. With each strike of their swords, sparks fly. Both fight with tremendous grace and elegance. Just demon, and weird bald monkey thing. Both had proven to be equally skilled in their attacks and defenses. When one aims at the heart, the other deflects and counters, which he then blocks. Both covered in sweat from the long battle, determined to keep fighting, and never giving up. But the monkey's tired, he's being pushed further to the ledge of the pillar, as the violent waves of the lava sea rumble in hunger for his death. To his unfortunate luck, he loses his balance and trips, half of his body leering over the edge, his skin nearly burning from being so close to the lava. The demon tries to swing his finishing move, but the monkey blocks it with all of his might, while doing his best to not push himself off the pillar and into a fiery death. "You." The demon stops, to fulfill his curiosity. "I was mistaken to think of you as some mere powerless mortal. You have defeated my armies, and my best warriors. You even matched me in a sword battle. I have never been so exhilarated in all of my thousands of years in the underworld. But I'll admit, as much of the thrill of a challenge you are, you were still an unexpected distraction from my plans of taking the souls of the world above." He stares into the eyes of his rival. "Tell me mortal- no, I consider you an equal... Emperor Connery! Tell me emperor, what is it that motivates you so? What is it that can make you stare down hordes of demons and spirits and not flinch? How do you laugh at the face of death so easily? What sort of reason do you have that it would drive you to such lengths, just to stop me?" ... "I." The monkey grabs the demon's sword. "WAS." He set his foot underneath the demon's chest. "BOOOOOOREEEEED!" He kicks the demon off of him, with enough force to fling him over the monkey head, and into the fiery pits of the hellish lava it once came from. The demon whispers his last words before being engulfed by the flames of the sea. "Such magnificence." The shrill screams of the demonic being course throughout the entire realm as he reaches out his arm in vain, before it slowly sinks into the lava... The monkey stands and watches for a moment, gazing into the sea of lava. Silent, emotionless. ...and then... "Well, that was fun! So, we cool?" He crouchs down to ask. "Heh, yeah, we cool." A thumbs up rises from out of the lava. The minion-bot in the central command room was sleeping soundly until he was startled by a large pentagram burned into the middle of the room and a demonic portal appearing. He calmed down when he realized that it was his boss coming back from another adventure. Walking through the portal was a sweaty, slightly burnt, Connery NotEvilGuy. "So, where did you go this time? Hell?" The minion-bot chuckled. "Eh. It wasn't as scary as people described it." Connery said in a bored tone, before walking off to get cleaned up. "Right, right." The minion-bot said dismissively, going back to his nap. ... "Wait, you actually went to hell?!?!" But I AM Evil! Episode 6: *Witty Title Here* It was a normal day in Ponyville, even though it wasn't. Everypony in town was going through their daily morning activities. Walking about in town center, buying food from merchants, or just talking to their neighbors. "WOO HOO!" A sudden cheer from above gained thier attention. The ponies looked up to see a grey blur in the sky, leaving behind a trail of smoke clouds that dissipated a second later. "This is amazing!" The grey blur cheered, flying loops through the air. Those that wondered who the pony flying up there was, were surprised when they recognized the voice and the grey fur. "Dear Celestia, is that Derpy?" "What? That's her? No way it can be." "Well I'll be darned. She's actually flying." They watched in awe as the town's ditz flew with amazing precision and speed. Like some sort of aerial ballerina in the sky, who also happened to be on fire, and the only source of water was full of gasoline, and she's just screaming and hollering. Except with elegance and laughter. This metaphor seems to have trailed off. As Derpy rocketed past, above the crowd, fliers dropped from her bag and onto the citizens. Some of the townponies grabbed the fliers and decided to read out loud in a monotone voice. "Special new coffee shop, grand opening today. Come to the 'Evil Coffee Shop' and invite your friends, your family, your family's friends, your friend's friends, your family's family, that last one didn't make sense actually, wouldn't they still count as your family? Anyway, come buy our special coffee, brewed by your local evil robots, created by the magnificent evil alien hiding behind that bush outside your house, watching and eavesdropping you on guys right this second." "OH SHIT." A bush suddenly grew a pair of legs and ran off. ... "We promise that our coffees are guaranteed for satisfaction, and are most definitely spiked with mind control juice to control your mind, to use you to take over the world. We definitely have that. Yep. But today, we will be having a special sale to celebrate our grand opening, and to welcome our newest employee, Derpy Hooves. So... you know... Just... Come over here for coffee. Do it." It was then, suddenly, everyone who read the fliers had the urge to go visit this new coffee shop. "After reading this flier, I suddenly have this urge to go visit this new coffee shop." And then they all went to the new coffee shop. Hours earlier. "Gah, friggin A... The heck is it?!" The evil emperor grunted, searching for a specific item in his inventions-inventory-gadget room thing. After the successful attempt of recruiting Derpy to join the evil side, and also putting out the fire special effects (which he realized weren't special effects at all, it was real fire), Derpy was told to immediately start working on her new job as Lieutenant/MailPony/Chef/Henchman. "Come on! I saw it in here 2 chapters ago! ... 3, if you counted the side-story... Cheesy Chrips!" Derpy's new boss muttered in frustration. Derpy had no idea what she was doing here, or what Connery was planning to make her do. He said that he had a special assignment in mind, just for her, and that she was gonna need some special equipment for it. As she was carrying the familiar weight of a bag filled with papers, she guessed that it might involve mailing. But Derpy could only wonder what this equipment must be, and how it could help, as she stared in awe at all of the alien technology. 'Oh yeah, that's right.' Derpy thought to herself, as realization finally kicked in. Her new boss was an alien. She was just hired by an alien, that also claims to be an evil emperor. He was also a tree. ... Derpy's life was weird. "THERE YOU ARE, YOU CRAFTY MOTHER OF DUCKS." He shouted, "You thought you could have escaped my sight, eh? YOU THOUGHT WRONG." Connery pulled a pair of alien shoes from... somewhere. He walked over to Derpy, "Here, try these thingamajigs on." As he was putting the shoes on her hind legs, she asked, "What are these?" "Something that can make you fly better. You said something about being unable to fly because you couldn't concentrate on both your sight and wings at the same time, right?" Connery tied the shoe-laces, although it still didn't seem like it would fit. "Well, if you were to only focus on the 'sight' part, and not have to worry about the 'flapping your wings' part, you'd probably be one of the best darn fliers out there." When Connery finished tying her shoes, Derpy looked at them curiously, and asked, "But, how would I fly if I didn't focus on my wings too?" "... Eugh, those shoes do not look good on you. I'm gonna have to make another pair that'll match your hair or something..." He grimaced. "Anyway, to answer your question, all I have to do is press this button here-" *Beep* "AH-" *Crash* Then Derpy crashed through a wall, and rocketed away into the sky. "... Ooh... Maybe I should have warned her first..." Connery said, looking up at the Derpy shaped hole in the wall. So, this was what was going through her head during the whole flight. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- CHIMNEY! She dodged it. OH CELESTIA, MERCHANT CART! She dodged it. GAH! TREES! She dodged them. AH! RANDOM FLIGHT TRAINING, CLOUD OBSTACLE COURSE! She did well. I'd give her a 10/10. WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Ah, such a lovely and busy day. I kidnapped a mailmare in the morning, convinced her to join the dark side, rebuilt her house as my new coffee shop/luxury playground, and now me and my minion-bots are selling coffee. I looked over the cash register, to see how things were going. I saw an old guy, with his eyes barely open, ordering from my minion-bot. "I want a chocolate sprinkled, cream filled, vanilla cake." "Sir. For the last time, we do not sell cake! If you want cake, it'd be a better choice to go to Sugar-cube Corner!" "But why don't you guys sell cake?" "We're an Evil Coffee Shop. We are not a cake shop. If you want, we can probably make you some 'Doomnuts,' which are doughnuts that come in any flavor you want! How does that sound?" "Eeehh, cake is more filling than doughnuts. What happened to that cute pink mare that usually works the cash register?" "... She works at Sugar-cube Corner. The one across the street? The shop that's been here for the past couple of years, before this place was built?! "Uh... so, if you don't have vanilla, do you have strawberry cake?" "..." The minion-bot gave a deadpanned look over to me, that just said, "I was created for this sole purpose? You bastard," before sighing and getting back to work. "It's like we never even left Cluetopia." I chuckled. Old people are awesome, with them and their senile behavior. I'm going to hell for laughing at a disability, though. I looked around and saw a good amount of ponies chatting up, drinking coffee, eating food, and having a good time. "Heheh, can you believe the names of these foods?" Said an unimportant background character, holding a menu and reading it. "Evil Latte? Mwuhaha Mocha? Corrupto Cappuccino? Espressonator? Malicious Frappuccino? Dastardly Hay-burgers? Doomnuts? It's so weird!" "Yes, I know. You didn't have to say all of them out loud. I can read too." Said unimportant background character's best friend. I was so glad that all these ponies cared for Derpy enough to visit this place and try out the coffee, on their own free will, with no evil hypnotic fliers to manipulate their choices. At all. None. (I lied.) Oh, I can't wait to see the look on her and her daughter's faces when they all get home and see this! Especially Dinky. Oh, Dinky, that adorable little diabeetus inducing, adorably adorable, diabeetus pony. Oh, I remembered a few days ago, when we first met. "Connery, this is Dinky. Dinky, this is Connery HappyTreeGuy!" Derpy introduced us. The little pinkish pony squeaked excitingly, "You're a tree?!" I only stared at her for 10 long seconds before exclaiming, "You are an adorable little diabeetus inducing, adorably adorable, diabeetus pony. I love you, and you will now be my special hat pony forever." I immediately picked her up and put her on my head, as she giggled happily. And thus a beautiful friendship was born. *PiPiPiPiPi* Taking out my walky-talky, I pressed the button and responded. "Hallo! Ist es über den Mangel an Zuckerguss? Wenn dem so ist, bin ich nicht der Schuldige."*Bzzt* *Bzzt*"I- Um... What?"*Bzzt* *Bzzt*"I said hello!"*Bzzt* *Bzzt*"...Right. Anyway sir, the lieutenant's daughters have arrived. What are your commands?"*Bzzt* Speak of the devil. *Bzzt*"Send them to the guest room! I'll be there to give the tour around their new coffee-mansion-home thing once their mom comes home."*Bzzt* *Bzzt*"Of course, sir. On an unrelated note, the minion-bots from the kitchen have reported that our supply of frosting has somehow gone missing. What do you-" *Bzzt*"NopeIknownothingbyebye"*Bzzt* I hastily threw the walky-talky out a nearby window, which made a cat screech for some reason. Welp, time to wait for Derpy to come back. "ACHOO!" I sneezed. Ugh. That was a strange and random sneeze. I hope it's only a normal sneeze, caused by allergies, and not a sign that I'm about to be in a serious flu from being in an alien universe for so long. Because that would suck. Twilight Sparkle, town librarian, Princess's pupil, wielder of the Element of Magic, bookworm, closet-fan of Karma Sutra- Actually that last one is a complete invasion of her privacy, and I am so sorry for that. Please forget that last part. Any-doodle, Twilight was out in the merchant street, buying things to prepare herself for some overnight camping out in the Everfree Forest, in order to spy on and gain information about the new alien that had arrived to her world. Because, you know, fuck privacy, amirite? As Twilight was looking around for animal-catching gear to kidnap some robots if the situation called for it, she noticed that there were ponies gasping in awe at the sky. She heard a few mentioning Derpy, the mailmare. Curious of what got their attention, she looked up as well, and saw a grey blur, dashing across the sky, leaving behind a trail of smoke. "What the..." She asked herself. As the grey blur zoomed above her, a piece of paper landed on her face. Using her horn to levitate it off, she saw that it was actually a flier for some new coffee shop. But before she would dismiss it, she realized that this new coffee shop had a strange title. "Evil Coffee Shop" it called itself. Then after reading more of the flier, she realized that this coffee shop was owned by the aliens! They said something about Derpy being their new employee, and that they've rebuilt her home into the coffee shop in question. This alluring and sexy piece of paper had somehow convinced her to check out this new coffee shop, and that those aliens had probably kidnapped Derpy! Which he did, but, she didn't mind, so, yeah. "I have to tell the others." She said to herself, putting the flier in her mouth and galloping back to the library. Hm... I wonder how Derpy would have gotten along in life, had I not been here? Whenever I look at Derpy, I see this sad person, who was living the wrong life, at the wrong time. A hard-working person that didn't deserve the stress and pain of life. She was the type of person that didn't deserve to go on, day by day, trying to survive another sad and stressful day. To look up and just hope for a better tomorrow, but realizing that it might not ever come, no matter how long you wait. If this continued for another few years, I wouldn't be surprised if she just suddenly gave up... If you were to live in such a life, you would have grown up to be cold and cynical. Yet, Derpy had been doing this for who knows how long, and she's ever the optimist. She's strong willed, that girl. Sort of reminded me of how I met and helped Alice with her life. Hm... Been thinking about her alot, lately... "ACHOO!" Oh god, second sneeze definitely signified bad stuff happening. Never in my life as an evil emperor, have I gotten 2 random sneezes and NOT gotten fucked by it. Speaking of Derpy, I saw a grey blur out the window, getting slightly closer. Going outside, I waited for a moment for Derpy to arrive, as she skillfully hovered and landed in front of me. I held up a number 10 sign for her, before throwing it away. "Heya Derpy! How are you liking the equipment I gave you?" "It's great! I don't have to worry about trying to concentrate on flapping my wings! I've never been able to fly like this in all of my life!" Derpy was practically gushing over the shoes. "These are the best things I've ever had!" "Glad to hear that. Come walk with me, and tell me about your day." I told her, walking into her house/mansion/coffeeshop/thing. "Alright. Well, I told everyone from my old workplace about my new job!" "Oh? How did they take the news?" "AAARRRRRIBBAA!" "FIESTA PARTY TO CONGRATULATE DERPY'S NEW JOB!" "CONGA LINE!" "I SAVED SOME CONFETTI FOR JUST THIS SPECIFIC OCCASION! WOOHOOHOOHOO!" "I'VE INSTALLED A DISCO-BALL FOR JUST THIS SPECIFIC OCCASION!" "DERPY GET'S A NEW JOB! ALL IS WELL TODAY!" "They took it well, considering." "That's good." ACHOO! ... Fuck. And that's the end of that. Next time, on But I AM Evil! Out there, in the house of an animal care-taker, a loud boom was heard. There was a blinding light, strong gusts of wind, and a really really big blue hole in the middle. And then, as sudden as it came, it stopped. The care-taker of the house slowly crept outside, scared out of her wits from the sudden disturbance, but her instinct to take care of her animals overpowered her fear. As she crept closer and closer to the river, where it appeared, she asked quietly, "H-Hello?" That was when she saw an injured duck, with a cape, laying on the shore of the river. She quickly rushed to its side, all fear subsiding, her motherly instinct taking over at full force. "Are you ok?!" She asked it, cradling it's head over her hooves. It opened it's eyes slowly, and it quacked out weakly. "Quack." I wanted to do another minion-bot dancing scene, but I had no idea how to do that. So, yeah. Can't wait for next chapter. Sorry if it was uneventful. Hope next chapter is better.