i'm a brony who just wants to have fun, and make stuff people can enjoy
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Pinkie Pie’s got a secret, and she’s dying to tell somepony. Or...some dragon. She wakes up Spike in his basket in the middle of the night to take him somewhere, to tell him her secret privately. What is this secret, and why can’t anypony else know?
story helper(really helped) : Enigma Pip sorry if i slept it wrong
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Hmm...This should be developed a LOT more, I think--there's a lot of story between friendship and romance, and nothing develops that suddenly. Certainly, Spike's crush on Rarity would interfere, as would Pinkie's cluelessness. With that said, I do like what you did here, and expect to see more awesome stuff!
images.wikia.com/theevilliouschronicles/images/8/8a/Meme-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
I think you REALLY rushed this. The beginning was fine, but just about everything after their walk to the house went WAY too fast.
This wasn't too bad; or at least the idea wasn't. Your execution leaves a lot to be desired.
Problem 1: The story is extremely rushed.
This is probably the most serious problem with your fic. Too much happens in too short a time (or at least in too few words). Like 3355773 said, it started off fine, but as soon as Pinkie told Spike she loved him, everything that follows is a blur. I'd recommend adding a lot more detail to everything. I think this could probably be stretched out to 5000 words or more, and it would be a lot better.
Problem 2: The story is much too convenient.
Like 3355734 said, the whole part where Spike suddenly is like "OMG I love you too Pinkie" comes out of nowhere, and it's really jarring. There's no "hmmm, do I really love her?" or "what about Rarity?" or "this is way too sudden, I need time to think", he just happens to love her back. While this is ideal for a romance, there's no indication that Spike feels that way beforehand. You need to add more here; don't make it so they instantly both love eachother - at least add a bit of foreshadowing if you don't want to change that.
Problem 3: The story is hard to read.
This is a bit of a personal complaint, but I find it difficult to read stories that don't add spaces in between their paragraphs. Granted, you did indent, so it's not a huge wall of text, but I'd find it a lot easier to read if it was something like this:
Other than that, I liked it. Hope to read more from you in the future.
3355843
Oh, crap. I knew I had missed something.
I'm the editor for this, so if there's still grammatical issues and such, that's my fault. It was around 12 am even I started it, so I was really tired, which is why I missed the spacing between paragraphs. I'll talk to Love about seeing if I can fix that, if I'm allowed. Thanks so much for that.
~Pip
It's a nice one shot but it's a bit rushed. Some more development and maybe something involving Spike's crush should be address. Overall its a nice and harmless PinkieSpike and this site could use more of those.
I think the story was nice and sweet but it was a bit too rushed. You should'e maybe added a few parts with maybe Pinkie still holding her big secret and maybe a bit of conflict or something to make the story more exciting. But overall it was cute.
Ew, not. I hate it when Spike gets shipped with any of the Mane 6.
3356271 Then why are you here?
I agree with all the other comments that this was rushed. It gets an upvote for originality and because it's a fairly uncommon ship but this should be fleshed out more.
3356271 Then get out brah.
static.tumblr.com/rzdz2vg/rigme9ibm/hnng.jpg
This does need more development, though. Pretty much every point that I'd like to make has been made: the beginning was great, but then suddenly everything just rushes through without much care for emotion or repercussion.
This line was good. I mean, of course Pinkie's love for Spike had never been shown or hinted at before, but this line did a good job of showing just how nervous Pinkie is.
And then this happened.
So many questions get raised. Why has Spike never shown any sign of his affection towards Pinkie before? What happened to his crush on Rarity? How can Spike already love Pinkie almost as much as gemstones? He's only just admitted his feelings.
You've not really build upon the relationship (of what little there is) that Spike and Pinkie share in the show. Instead you just seem to have this, as everyone else has already mentioned, convenient mutual love for each other that is so completely out of left-field that I'm rendered completely baffled by the end of the fic.
I recommend going and reading some other shipfics - maybe even some other Spinkie fics if you can find them - and noting the way that the romance is executed in them.
If you do that, there's no doubt in my mind that you can kick the romance up a notch, add a little conflict, and you'll have yourself a fine Spike x Pinkie Pie shipfic.
3356271
Just lol.
Thank you for your opinion. I'm sure Spike shippers everywhere will either take note and cease shipping their OTPs or they'll be butthurt.
>Butthurt.
As everyone else has said, this is way too rushed and too forced. It makes no sense for a sudden inexplicable romantic relationship to develop between these two without any buildup, any development. It's just BAM there and the reader is like what?
You should probably delist this story and rewrite it COMPLETELY as a believable, properly-paced romance story that isn't 100% conclusion and 0% growth.
Other than what has already been said (the rushing and stuff) I could actually see this being a decent start of a story, if this part was one of Pinkie's dreams or something
3356750
I can agree with this.
The convenience would be the perfect basis for a fantasy.
3356509 I wasn't saying it so people would stop. I'm saying it because I don't like it.
3356318 I didn't realize what it was at first.
3356860 Romance tag.
Pinkie Pie and Spike tags.
You're honestly telling me you didn't put two and two together?
3356860
Well, thank you for sharing your opinion.
Would you like to hear my opinion?
Well, I really like Spike x main six ships. My favorite is actually SpikeDash. I'm not entirely sure why. My headcanon tells me I should be favoring RariDash over SpikeDash, but I kind of think the idea of a tomboy getting with a feminine guy is super duper cute.
On the subject of Spike shipping with the main six, I'm not such a huge fan of Spike x Rarity. I think it's due to the fact that an explanation is really required as to why Rarity keeps ignoring Spike's advances in the show, but then suddenly changes her mind in the fanfic. That can be quite off-putting if not executed sufficiently.
I could go on further, but my opinion was never actually relevant in this story to start with.
3356873 That's exactly what I'm saying.
3356886 Interesting. The tomboy/feminine dude thing intrigues me. But the thing is, the mane 6 are too old for Spike. And then there's the fact that I'd consider the mane 6 much too like family to him. Maybe not Rarity as much as the others, but even then she's still too old for him. At least that's how I see it.
3356917 I see. But you still shouldn't say that kind of stuff.
3356925 Yeah, okay. I'll make sure never to say anything that might upset or irritate you in the slightest again.
3356271
It not being your "OTP" shouldn't contribute to the quality of the story. It could be Spike x a mop, but if it's written well and still enjoyable then it doesn't deserve a downvote. At least in my opinion. Not trying to be rude or disrespectful; just my take on it.
~Pip
3356271 this isn't a hate coment. i'm glad you have an opinion, about this.
i perfer others like
I'll never understand the amount of dislikes for this particular fanfic, it's just too sweet and innocently written to just hate on because it doesn't conform to the usual Spike shippings, so overall, I'm glad I found it!!
I will say however, that if this was the final/penultimate chapter to a longer Pinkie/Spike romantic story, the payoff would be all the sweeter, as it is it's just short and sweet, and I like it!
3356982 It doesn't have anything to do with it not being one of my OTP's. And I already explained this to Vexy. Scroll down and you'll find it.
3357816
To me, you never really commented on the story's actual quality; just the fact that you don't like it when Spike is shipped with the Mane 6. So it honestly just looks like you downvoted it because you don't like the ship. Which is really unfortunate.
~Pip
3357836 What? I'm not allowed to downvote something because I don't like the principle?
3357929
It's just not right. The story could have been absolutely amazing, and you rated it unfairly. You wouldn't want anyone doing that to you.
~Pip
3357946 I'd be okay with it? And you know why? Because I understand it.
3357963
In my opinion, it's unfair.
You obviously don't care though, so I'm not going to waste any more of my time trying to explain it to you.
~Pip
3358104>>3355734>>3355773>>3355843>>3355947>>3356042>>3356318>>3356271>>3356377>>3356396
3356626
i agree
thank you every one for being kind enough to stat your ideas about this.
i read ever last coment(except the realy long on ewith one of you ponies
)
to: 3357235 thank you for the comment, it was a real nice one to read,
to dark phantom: your profile pic. kingdom hearts right? some day i will win
3358232 Yeah I photoshop the colors around. You cannot denied that the games are awesome.
3358257 they were awsome, but just that boss!!! i need my stopaga!!!!
they arre fun(only played 1, 265/2 days
, and 1.5, some of 2
)
3358267 I played and finished 1, 2, and 358/2. The ending for the last one really got to me, especially since Roxas is my favorite character.
3358295 Xion... back wards no I(romen numbers:1
)
i had feels
so many bloody feels!!!!
3358312 Yeah, I nearly cried at that ending and.never cried. I hope they bring Roxas back for the next game.
3358323 roxas needs to die. sora became a heartless, and has a nobody,,, all the unimportant people need to die! mahahaha!!!
roxas is fun thouhg
3358356 I still think Roxas should come back.
Anyway thanks for the watch.
3358370 your welcome, i'll unfollow you when i beat the phantom, then refollow when i read your story
3358385 Well if your a Spike fan than we'll get along just fine.
I even have a few PinkieSpike fics in the works and I might submit one of them tonight.
3358427 i love spike!!! i'd do anything just to hug him
but
is my favorite. so cute yet no art for them
i hope i will read it
3358454 I wouldn't say that. I think I've seen one or two pic with just those two.
3358466 1 or 2?
they still exsist!!!
3358510 Yeah, you could just search the two right here and find some fic and art.
3358672 i shall try soon
I imagine this as some odd mix of this:
and this:
Well I think the premise is okay, but the dialogue could use some work and maybe more detail. Spike seemed a little ooc to me in conversation.
1- I totally saw it coming.
2- Awwwwwww…
3- Why did you add a comedy tag?
~ leonzilla
3356936 It's not me you're upsetting so much it's just you commented without a real reason.
Sorry. The idea might be decent but it was too rushed and Spike was just too accepting. He was just like "Oh my Celesita, I luv u too"
The feelings didn´t come to me. That are the main weak spots as others already mentioned. Maybe you should make it a little more detailled and in a much slower speed so the characters have the chance to react believable and more authentic.
3359334 I had a reason. I wanted to voice my opinion.