• Member Since 18th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 17 hours ago

Pump It Up


Dead, but also undead. It's complicated.

E

Twilight is home for vacation. Here is her first day back.


This takes place before the show.

This story was written for the One-Shotober challenges started by CartsBeforeHorses and Redigar. I hope you enjoy! (Also, yes, the description stinks. Bear with me.)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 19 )

I'm here for you,

Not bad, not usually my cup of tea but it did have a certain quality to it that was better than the Brady Bunch. There was one part that did catch me with interest:

“And that movie gave me some ideas for that book I’m going to write.” Velvet’s voice turned dramatic and narrator-like. “A brave mare, going around the world, searching for the greatest treasures ever known to ponykind!”

I got what you meant by that and yeah... I could see a certain blue pegasus providing us with lols should she discover that gem of information... If I had the power to do so I would say: MAKE IT CANNON!

3258622
Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

3258682
Thanks. Yeah, that would be funny (the part about RD).

I enjoyed it, Pump.

Short and sweet, I like it. :ajsmug: Pretty much fits the way I picture their family in my head cannon.

3259137
Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

3260366
Thanks! And that's pretty cool that it fits in with your headcanon. :pinkiesmile:

Man, with all these stories coming in for One-Shotober, I can only imagine the workload the proofreaders are under to approve them.

You guys are going to kill them eventually.

3262231
Ya.
Actually, I don't have a proofreader. Not one that I'm using for the one-shots, anyways. That'd be just way too much. :derpyderp1:

Before I get into anything, I would like to say that I apologize for not keeping my word and reading this last night. I have procrastination issues that I really need to have fixed so that intervened with my plans that revolved around reading all of my read laters, story updates, and working on my story. For that, I apologize yet again.

With that out of the way, I can safely say that this is definitely going to make it into my likes, because of its humor, concept, and punctuation. If you don't know what I mean by all that, let me clarify.

When I say humor, I mean that this story made me smile a couple of times with its hilarious devices within itself, and the couple of times that sudden outbursts made all the difference, so good job on that.

I love the concept since you don't really see much stories that revolve around the insight of the breaks from school and guard duty that Twilight and Shining have together. That's always a good way to drag your reader in.

Finally, the punctuation steeled my opinion about this. How you made sure you got the correct names of the ponies, from Twilight's parents to that pony that Twilight Velvet was talking about, was a surprise to me since some people don't really take the time to do that, so I really appreciate that.

Even though this story didn't go without its flaws, I'm pretty sure that the ones I did see were insignificant and weren't much of a killer to this whole story.

~Tempered Metal

3270676
It's okay that you didn't get to it. I understand; I'm a procrastinator myself. And I'm glad you liked it! :pinkiehappy: It makes me smile that I made you smile!

One free review as promised.

Grammar errors that I found:
Smaller mistakes: 5
Sentences that could have been written better: 4
Overall: Mostly small mistakes that didn't take away that much from the story, but watch out for those confusing sentences. 6.5 out of 10

Pacing:
Seemed rushed, but that's how I feel about all oneshots, mine included. Within acceptable parameters but I would have liked to see a few hundred more words of mindless babble that helps to tie the story together.

Plot:
Approved. Nice original idea, it is just a happy fun read that most people enjoy at some point or another.

Overall score 7.5 out of 10

You have a lot of these in the incoming folder of Celestia's Library. anyway, added to Slice of Cake:

tinyurl.com/llaz5ct

And, yes, Twilight's parents need their own tag

VGI

Mm-mm-mm...Very light and relaxing, especially when you read it with one of those relaxing music youtube things.

Thumbs up. Faving.

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