• Member Since 18th May, 2013
  • offline last seen May 18th

Pump It Up


Dead, but also undead. It's complicated.

E

Kimono has just moved to (the new) Ponyville and would like to buy a kimono. Unfortunately, no one there seems to have heard of kimonos, so she has a heck of a time finding one.

This story is 100% approved by Twilight's Library! :twilightsmile:

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 53 )

Just because it's short doesn't mean it's bad. You have proven this today.

2640444
Thank you! See, this is why I like posting stories on Fimfiction. I get such positive feedback! :pinkiehappy:

2643549
Thank you! The only problem I have with it is the eyes, but there aren't that many Kimono G4 pictures, so beggars can't be choosers!

2643557
There are actually quite a few G4 Kimono pics if you have the time to browse through deviantart and the likes to find them. She's one of the more popular G3 ponies, after all :twilightsmile:

2643602
She is? Huh. Well, I just did a Google search. Mayb that's why I couldn't find any that I liked...

Well, hello! I like your story and including a pony that I have never heard of before. :twilightsmile: Way to break away from the norm. However, as a story, I will say a few things that you could look at:

- Kimono (a character who I've never heard of) arrives out of nowhere to move to Ponyville and meets a few of the newest generation of ponies. Alright, but why? Why does she move from the previous Ponyville? Who is she really? The biggest issue I'd say is your lack of information about Kimono as a main character. I would highly suggest critical thinking about her to make her into a dynamic character (School for New Writers is a Celestia-send for improving writing. Check them out!). This will help you get in the mindset to truly show her character through writing.

-Continuously, I would suggest detailing your conversations between characters, since I felt like there was a lot of "Hey, how are you?" "Fine." "K, bye." vague conversations that hurt your story.

- Small thing:

Loki popped in upside-down. “You called again?”

Who's Loki?. I get what you did there, but it was so nondescript that it wasn't as funny for the audience. Tell us who Loki is, what he/she/it looks like, and make it real to the story by giving Kimono's reaction. Make it vivid, or it just seems extraneous and unnecessary.

- Another small thing, you did this once but there were several instances where this would have been great to keep up the habit: Time/space leaps. You showed it in chapter 2, but I would suggest whenever the story leaps in time or space, use something to show that there was that jump, otherwise the audience has no idea what just happened.

- You did a good job portraying Pinkie as a character, and ironically that's one that most people have a hard time doing. However, although you did better in the third chapter, Rarity's personality struggled in the first chapter. Help the characters make the dynamic jump and being interesting to readers!

“You remind me of Rainbow Dash.”
----
“It’s alright. Also, you really remind me of Rainbow Dash.”

So, awesome that you show she has some backstory, but why does Rarity of new Gen relate to the old RD. Please allow Kimono to elaborate, and (possibly) prevent her from repeating herself.

-“Don’t mind here,” a voice said from behind Kimono.
---
All griffons were violent early on.”

Two things here, easy fixes. However, the second is also a continuity error to the first. are all griffons violent early on, or was Gilda? I'm not sure what you were trying to get across.

Samuel stopped in front of a building that would rival one of a certain party pony’s cakes.

Why would it rival such a cake? Is it tasty and delicious? Multi-layered? Cherry on top? Please spell it out for us so we can see what you see!

“Teenager?” Kimono muttered to Samuel.
“Yep,” he muttered back.

So, one: Are all teenagers griffons? :rainbowderp: how do we know she's a teenager? If she looks it, why have that as a question? I have a feeling what you're trying to do, but it's better if you write it that way.
Two: Why is it a bad thing that she's a teenager? Please, do tell. :duck:

There we go! All my thoughts for your viewing pleasure. I hope these help you write stronger stories or make this one spectacular. I really want to see Kimono stories now! If you have any questions or want help with anything, feel free to ask for help. I'd be more than happy :twilightsmile: Have a good day!

2644162
Thank you, very, very much! I will try and edit my story accordingly to the best of my ability. Thank you! :pinkiehappy: I'm always looking to improve!
The third gray box was just a typo.
For the fifth gray box, would changing "muttering" to "whispering" help?

Yay! Old school ponies. I enjoy Kimono. I actually enjoy a lot of old school ponies. Currently writing a story with Firefly and Surprise and have been watching old episodes just to make sure I have the feel of g1 right. You did a good job.

2644308
Thanks! My favorite generation, just because I experienced it so much, is G3. In terms of toy design, they are the best! The stories and animations (from what I can remember) were good too.

2644204 Mmmhmmm, my pleasure. Happy to help :scootangel:

As for each of the boxes, typos are easy, but being more detailed would help immensely in showing what you mean instead of what we think you mean. So, the more detailed or specific you can be, the better! (So, yes, whispering sounds better):twilightsheepish:

2644354
As Pinkie would say, "Okie dokie lokie!"

2644394
(Idon'thateyou!) :pinkiesmile: I actually think that story will be good! I still have yet to read it, but it seems interesting!

2644412
It is good! I've dread it from start to where its at currently.

2644362

*Loki, brother of Thor enters, looking angry* How dare you summon me one more time. I'm more powerful than you---
*AJ bucks him into next week* Thought you'd like a little homage to your joke :ajsmug:

2644773
:rainbowlaugh: That was really funny! Thanks for that little homage! :rainbowlaugh:

2644162
I just realized: how come people have a hard time with Pinkie? She doesn't seem that hard to me. Maybe because I live in a house of silly people... :derpytongue2:

2659229 Because her bubbly personality can be hard to mimic for some reason. Most of the time, people just have her say "parties" and "silly filly" and not much else, but then it takes a little more to truly get that really super-sweet energetic personality in writing. :twistnerd:

Congratulations, this story has good enough grammar to be included in the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive list of gramatically-correct stories on Fimfiction. :eeyup:

this is hilarious! Love the mutli-generational misunderstandings! :rainbowlaugh:

2925166
Glad you liked it! :pinkiehappy: Hopefully I will be able to post the "sequel," which does involve Strawberry Swirl.

This had me going 'haha' almost every turn lol I like this :pinkiesmile:

tinyurl.com/llaz5ct

Never watched G3, but still got more than enough context to understand what was up, plus it was a good story anyway.

Added to Celestia's Library in Because Discord, Slice of Cake, and That Was Actually Funny.

Ooh! I used to love the old Kimono! She was always really awesome:pinkiehappy:

Kimono's a Japanese pony?

>G3 in Japan

and she reminds me of Wysteria from G3.

Very nice crossover. Not too quick, not too slow, just right. Keep up the good work.

You should do a sequel where Minty moves in to Kimono's house. Now to wait and see who gets that reference.

This was intresting. I still dont know what Kimono' cutie mark is. It looks like a peanut on the cover.
It's always intresting to see headcanon on how the generations are merged (even the ones that say they where never different things). Props for working with a character I don't think that I possibly could.

5299467
Thank you! :twilightsmile: And her cutie mark is a pair of paper lanterns with a flower on each.

Eh, for a short story it isn't terrible, but I couldn't really get into the pot and the jokes were a bit too out of nowhere for me to find any of them really funny. :applejackunsure:

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