• Member Since 18th May, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Pump It Up

Dead, but also undead. It's complicated.


Lunar Limbo is a cold place, made even colder with a being whose only purpose is to augment one’s negative emotions and one’s desires, who insists that Luna was right to try to take over.

Written for Nightmare Moon is best pony's contest and also entered into Luna is The Best Pony's contest.

EDIT: If I've mistagged this by adding "Drama," let me know.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 30 )

Thank you! :pinkiehappy: Please do spread the word about this. Due to the notifications being messed up, I have to rely on word-of-mouth.

Curious as to how Nightmare and Luna are two separate individuals. Is this an alternate personality or is Nightmare some kind of magical parasite. This could all be in Luna's head and her grip on sanity shattered, so she "created" Nightmare Moon as someone to talk with.

I'm slightly basing the idea off the comics that the Nightmare Forces/Force took over Luna, and therefore separate entities.

Thanks for faving! :pinkiehappy:

Haven't read the comics so I wouldn't know.

I haven't either, I've just heard about it.

Nice work. I see you and I went the same route of including the comics which indicated that the Nightmare was a separate entity from Luna. I think I prefer that explanation for why she did so many things that were contrary to her nature as Nightmare Moon, as opposed to it just being the result of her being jealous and lonely (the latter of which would make the 'Eternal Night' idea very counterintuitive).

Thank you, kind sir/madam! :pinkiehappy: It does just make more sense for Nightmare to be a separate entity.

Hi! Really liked reading your story. Here's my review on it. *slaps review in comments* Hope you like it. :twilightsmile:

Thanks! And thanks for faving! :pinkiehappy:

4192935 Now your review is featured on my page till next review. :3

I liked it. The interaction was quite well formed. I would have liked a bit more detail on what exactly the Lunar Limbo was. Was time shorter there? How would Luna have reacted after a longer period. This feels like Luna and the Nightmare have only been there for a fairly short time, yet 1000 years have passed? I think extending this into a couple of scenes displaced in Time could have worked a bit better.

An interesting piece. I especially liked how you wrote Nightmare and her overall demeanor.


Another thing I noticed is that some sentences were single TAB'd and some were double TAB'd. ^_^

:facehoof: Issues transferring from GDocs, I'm guessing.

Young Luna kicked a lunar rock,

This one simply reads weird, nothing reallly wrong with it, but I took a double-take at it lol I doubt it's a big dea though.

That does read kind of odd.

“Spending time together does not a friend make

This one just straight up, sounds weird.

I meant for it to be that way. :pinkiecrazy: Not weird, though, just old-sounding and archaic.

And I guess I could fix the pacing. My main idea for time was that time passes fast in Lunar Limbo compared to time in the normal plane; that is, the planet Equestria is on.

I liked the hinting of a deeper history in the story. For example:

“I should have never helped you that day, in the rain.”

It makes the Nightmare not only a separate being, but one with a history with Luna beyond "show up & possess her" or "be summoned up and possess her."

I do wish there'd been more to the re-combining of them at the end, though; it seemed like it was just "they jumped into the portal at the same time" and not something the Nightmare was really responsible for.

And a final, minor technical note:

Nightmare conjured up a giant dragon. Luna snarled at obliterated it with one blast and a few sword strikes. Finally, Luna managed to try and attacked Nightmare, which blocked the swing.

I think there's a word missing in the first underlined bit, and the tenses are a bit erratic in the second.


And whoops! :twilightoops: I'll fix those sentences.

I saw your thread for the title of this story get zombie'd this morning. Figured I'd give it shot.

I'm glad I did. Short, to the point, and it gave a nice snapshot of a time I haven't seen explored very often. A lot of stories focus on Luna during the exile, but this is the first I've seen set in her moment of return. I really enjoyed this.

This is very well done and I thoroughly enjoyed it. So I will be giving this two reviews. One is my personal review, which will go below, and one as a reviewer for the group, Story Standards, which you will be able to find there.

First, I find the idea of a penitent Luna and split entities between Luna and Nightmare Moon as making a great deal of sense. You keep Luna in character through the entire story as well as Nightmare Moon. The idea of the Lunar Limbo being warm also shows a amount of love from Celestia, often overlooked by others. Without Celestia being in the story, you still manage to portray her as loving and caring for her sister. The story itself is touching, making the reader care that Luna is sorry for her actions and realizes her mistakes. Even by having Nightmare Moon controlling her, you still had her in control to know her actions were wrong.

There are a couple of things that did not go well, however. The mention of Luna helping Nightmare Moon "that day, in the rain." With the way the story works, I don't think this is entirely necessary in the story as you don't go into further detail on "that day." This mention has the reader wondering about the event only to be presented with mystery and no explanation. Also, the short fight seems rather out of place for me. You have the two fighting, I assume, a mental battle but I do think that this distracts from the emotion you put forth in the rest of the story.

Overall, I would rate you story at a 8 out of 10. You will receive a like and a favorite and I will be putting a review in the Story Standards very soon. Well done again.

Thank you very much! :pinkiehappy:

Also, you're the first person to pick up the fact that the warmth is from Celestia. I was wondering if anyone was going to ever figure that out.

And here madam is my review to you from the PCaRG group.

This was quite good. I really like the personality you've given Nightmare Moon, she seems a lot more layered than the generic 'dark force that possesses Luna.'

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