- Member Since 12th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 28th, 2017
electreXcessive
I am an average everyday brony. I like to let my creative juices flow and create things. I'm always striving to improve, so I hope you enjoy my stories.
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Woah... what?
...Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
I'm actually interested in this. Not sure why, but whatever.
Feel free to leave any criticisms y'all might have. I'm not too sure about how well this story idea will do or anything, so feel free to leave feedback I guess.
3187909
It's a story about Rainbow falling in love with a sapient shark. These are the kinds of ideas that I come up with for some reason.
3187929 I know... but what.
3187930
I don't know. It was just an idea that I thought was original and interesting. Apparently it's not. *Shrugs* Oh well. I tried my best I guess.
3187971 I never said it was bad... just.... wat. You have all of my wat. It's a weird concept, if I haven't pointed that out enough. Nicely executed for... itself... Just... wat.
I don't want to even.
lafondb.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/what-the-fuck-am-i-reading.jpg
3187982
Alright. I guess it's bad then. I'll just go ahead and delete it in the morning and issue a formal apology. I'm sorry it didn't entertain you guys. I'll try better in the future.
Funny how a romance between Rainbow Dash and a kitchen sink can work so well, yet a romance between her and a sapient shark can't. Please, you people have absolutely no perception of quality.
3187982
Not even funny to you, huh?
3187977
It is most definitely a strange concept. A very charming concept that I think could work well.
3187996 No, I was entertained. I'm just confused. To be honest, if I didn't find the concept interesting, I would have never looked at the story.
3188035
Thanks for the honesty I suppose. I'll probably put the story on hiatus. Maybe I'll come back to it later.
Continue it. It's a unique idea I would like to see explored more. MOAR! Please. Also, booze would be good, too. XD
Yours truly... NecromancerX69
Ps.
I will wait for the clop.
Ps2.
Optional idea: Dash gets pregnant with super awesome shark flying babies.
Sharknado can't top that!
Um... Okay! That was weird and strange but on a side note it was good. The truth is you don't come across these kinds of stories everyday.
Seeeeee, Electre? It is a good story!
You had my interest, but when I saw the sex tag, you had my attention.
this is going to be a strange and fun ride.
buckle up, everypony~ :3
MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I just..? No, I couldn't have, but I did. What in the name of all things Equestrian did I just read!? Excuse me, have you been taking recreational chemicals? And reading my christmas wishlist.
~~Twike, RariPie and FlutterMac is where its at~~
I'm confused…
3188365
Isn't this the story you wrote, but non-anthro? Or did both of you decide to do this idea?
3188890
We both decided to use the same base prompt (which was my idea by the way) to write a story. Two authors can use the same prompt and end up with a wildly diffent story and characters, as you see here.
Good Story so far!
Because I love Sharks, you have another Fave here!
Excuse me while I imagine him with an Australian accent.
I... What? It's li-... What? I don-... What!?
I don't understand, but it's good.
Pffffttssshhhhh
Leave it to Rainbow Dash to ask out a shark.
Wait a minute...I would have expected that more from Pinkie
Whatever, this is great anyway.
3189737>>3188169>>3188289>>3188519>>3188788>>3190976
I'm glad that you all like it, and I really appreciate your support! I was a little worried that it was going to be too weird and 'original/crazy' for people to like.
3191010 "There's no such thing as too much crazy", says the bear in a polka dotted kilt to the rainbow furred llama in a Hannibal Lecter costume, as they played checkers on top of a submarine in the Amazon.
3188890
Like Electre said. Besides, not like I care much about him using the same prompt I did.
Just means there's two stories using the same concept, and the perception of quality comes down to how the writing was done. And honestly? I think Electre kicked my ass here.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh wow, I was not expecting that at all, Bloody good show old chap.
My fellow aussie mates are gonna love this.
This is pretty damn interesting. Original idea as far as I can tell (I think a romantic shark would be pretty eye catching of a story)
Keeping my eye on this.
... I'm not sure if I'm okay with this...I have decided that I am in-fact okay with this.
After reading the chapter I'm a little disappointed that you jumped to the romance bit so quickly
it just feels like with something this out of the blue (ha, get it? Blue like, like the ocean ha...ah never mind) would need some buildup (the song 'Hey I Just Met You' comes to mind). Also the shark sounded like something straight out of Blue's Clues (that is to say if Blue's Clues took place on the coast, and had sharks...ha blue). With all that being said, its interesting, and I encourage you to work on it. I feel like this could be an awesome story, if its given enough time and effort.
3193122
Yeah. I'll admit that the romance was quick. My mentality was kind of the fact that it'd pretty much be a no risk relationship for her.
you really can ship dash with anything
Anyone who can make a completely original (good) story idea earns themselves a good place on this website, and you, sir, have good that. Good job.
I look forward to more.
3191476 hey, your reapers travels story was good, doesnt really matter much if electre did whoop your behind. Or does it??
3187926 I think you should keep this going. Seems like a great story. I love it, and am very interested to see how the mature rating will come into play.
3198261
It's a friendly competition here, so no worries. My pride is only a little absolutely shattered.
Only a little.
*Sobs in a corner.*
3200705 do a special chapter where the reaper kills electre then
3201164
You are funny :V You and I should totally collab on a story sometime. Perhaps 'Rainbow Dash Discovers Pizza Bagels' would be appropriate XD
Made a Garry's Mod poster for your story: tyraka628.deviantart.com/art/Shark-Attack-Fimfiction-Story-Poster-400390879
Sup. Remember me?
Well I tried to do a review for this one but so far I can only point out these few issues. literally half way when the dialog was getting embarrassing I could only will myself to skimming it.
So here's something I noticed throughout the entire chapter. Rainbow was out of character. She isn't as spunky or gung ho for sports. Not only that, but her dialog (or monolog) was made up of words and assumptions that she has an idea of what she's doing. Her dialog also is too linguistically refined. Not to the point where she's saying big words, but she's saying words that don't sound like she'd say. Also her monologs reveal too much information.
Take this for an example. in a conversation with an every day person (besides debating of course) will you ever speak so much? Specifically say things that recap the situation that you're in? I suggest proof reading conversations and dialog to fix this.
As for detail...honestly there isn't all that much of it. I only see "On the beach" and "In the hospital" as the only real detail work other than placing random ponies on a beach to set up a typical beach environment.
I've also noticed there's actually way too much dialog. I mean at almost no point in every 3 paragraphs is there a sensible time for talking. Rainbow actually seems more social than pinkie pie if she's talking to herself. But she's also not as full of herself as she should be. Rather than "Just trying again" for a reason to continue surfing, I would have done the approach of making her believe it's too trivial compared to flying, and by her not being able to conquer a wave, she'd come back to prove she's right in how simple surfing is, then the eventual entertainment from doing stunts.
But the beginning where she's flailing her arms and just trying to adjust to surfing was ok minus the dialog and the long winded thoughts.
I mean, fics can easily get a lot of views and likes without dialog, and usually authors become better by writing descriptive paragraphs of what the character is doing and letting the reader figure it out. Usually training themselves to remember to give just enough information for the reader to understand what's happening without overwhelming them with so many details.
And usually a "on a beach" type statement will never give off all that much information.
Also take notice of how I'm structuring my paragraphs.
There are so many points I want to get to that I'd continually change the topic each and every paragraph. 
But yea that's just cuz I can't find a subject to highlight.
OH let's go back to the hospital? I understand Rainbow was talking to a nurse or a doctor, but I never heard any descriptive words about them. What did they look like? What color of coat? What outfit? Horn or wings? Simple things.
Also there was a significant lack of environmental detail in the hospital. Yea, I'm sure I thought rainbow was in the hospital bed but she also had a broken bone so she'd probably have been out in the hall outside the emergency room. Oh at no point have I heard a thing about a cast btw.
But yea if I continued I'd just be pointing out things that are easily rectified by looking more deeply at the stuff I've mentioned.
Anyway I hope this helps you as you continue writing.
3229296
Thanks for the review I guess. All I want is for my stories to entertain people. This kind of makes me want to discontinue this story considering the fact that its a dumb idea, and its already starting off as a train wreck. I doubt anybody will really miss it. *Sighs* Anyways, thanks for the advice and such. I'll try to improve on what you said and try not to disappoint so much next time.
3230154
It's not really disappointing. You just didn't think about some things that you should of. I did the exact same with my earlier stories. Oh and unlike you, I had longer stories to continue writing. So I had more time from and between each new story to perfect my technique. Still not perfected :(
Besides, when you usually got a bad story, use it for fuckery and training
That's literally what my story "Remembering Garry's Mod" was for before it got popular. Same thing with my other story "My New Terrarian Adventures" which I used to experiment with going at it hard with detail. It was literally the start of all my good writing. And that wasn't all that long ago.
3230154 If you stop this, i'll be dissapointed. oh and add a gore tag. (little bit of blood BUT BLOOD none the less.)
I really hope you continue this, as it's one of the most original ideas I've seen a while. You could stand to be a little more detailed about things, but all in all it was entertaining.
3299284
Simply having blood (especially if it's a miniscule amount) hardly qualifies as gore.
3319099 i guess so, also just asking, but is this thing (where i'm typeing now) below these things?
3320365
No, they're all on the same line.