• Member Since 12th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 28th, 2017

electreXcessive


I am an average everyday brony. I like to let my creative juices flow and create things. I'm always striving to improve, so I hope you enjoy my stories.

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Comments ( 61 )

yup. sad,and heartwarming and awesome. best princess is now better.
good job. i must now wipe the last of my masculinity off my cheeks. hope my wife wont mind that ive become a little girl.

You have cause the magical liquid pride to show itself upon my face. Wonderful story.

Short and bitter sweet.

Perhaps one day I'll be able to do a reading of this as well.

Bookmarked dear Author for the future.

I now sport a sadface.
:applecry:

<Insert gif with the word 'feels' here>

This must be featured.

:rainbowlaugh:I laugh with the joy that the young should have but have been denied. But on the inside I cry:raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::raritycry::fluttercry:

Very simple but also very touching. Liquid pride. :)

So touching. :fluttercry: I love it

This wasn't very satisfying. It just seems like sadness porn.

If there's some deeper meaning, interesting characterization, personal growth, conflict, allegory, moral, or anything else I've missed then I'd love someone to point it out for me.

Delivery is not very convincing. It's clearly supposed to be emotionally moving, but I'm just not feeling it. The first quarter of the story is spent complaining about nobles and it comes across as a political statement. By the time you get around to addressing the actual subject of the story, Clear Skies, the reader is roughly halfway through the story. The letter itself is heavy-handed and not very clear. Why is he dying? Why do Luna's stars make him feel better? It's never explained. He says he feels safe having someone so powerful watch over him, but what about this is unique to Luna? Why is he especially grateful to her rather than Celestia? For this to work there needs to be some sort of connection, and I'm just not seeing one. Then immediately after finishing the letter, he dies. I realize there's supposed to be a time shift...but apparently Luna read the letter from the dying young colt, and didn't care about it enough to look into the situation to find out why he was dying, didn't care enough to try to help, didn't care enough to visit him, didn't even care enough to write a letter back...and you the author apparently didn't care enough to write anything between the letter and him dying. How did he die? Why did he die? We don't know, and ultimately I'm left having difficulty caring, because neither Luna nor you, the author, seem to care.

Then he's dead, and you further diminish his death by implying that 14 others died too. And all Luna does is just sit around and be sad about it. Ok, well...so much for looking after anypony if she's just going to sit around and let them die and be sad about it. Which ultimately just leaves me feeling like Clear Skies faith in Luna was misplaced.

This is clearly trying to be an emotional piece...but I'm really not feeling it.

You got me right in the feels with this one...

I know this was supposed to be emotional, but I honestly couldn't care less about what was going on. For one thing, the death of Clear Skies was emotional on it's own, but then it's shown that 13 others have died, making his death seem not that special, since children die every night, and each will get their own star. Honestly, if you left that part out, this would've been more emotionally gripping. However, I will say that this is an okay story, and I can at least see that you're really trying here.

Congrats on the feature!

Good story. I agree with some of the others, it doesn't have as much feels as it certainly could have, but it certainly is a touching story.

I salute you! Have a Spikestache. :moustache::moustache::moustache:

FEEEEELS D=

Usually, i add stories to fav's to read them later (Yes, i know about "read later", but don't truly trust it)... But this one... I really liked it. Liked, Faved and Followed. And Moustached :moustache:

I see where you got this inspiration from, and I approve. Like'd and faved.

3159354>>3159422>>3159593
I thank you all for your honest criticisms. Every single point that you brought up was very true, and I'm going to try and improve my next sad/slice of life story. I've been trying to practice and work the kinks out, so I know that right now it's not exactly the best, but I'll try to make it better in the future with what y'all have told me! :twilightsmile:

The focus was never really supposed to be on Clear Skies or his death as much it was supposed to be on Luna. It's sort of supposed to be going through an average night in her life, with her going through all the motions. Clear Skies deathbed letter, while sad, is an everyday occurrence. Luna can't just bring him back from the brink of the dead or anything; she knows that it's too late for them. Luna's used to it, and multiple instances happen like this every night, so she's sort of gotten used to it a bit.

As for the letter? I tried to make it sound like a kid on his deathbed was writing it. Less coherent, and not overly explaining, because his mind is sort of clouded and he doesn't exactly know the words to describe what he feels. It's all passion, and I figured if I made it more eloquent, that it would detract from the piece. The story is not supposed to be about the tragedy of the death of masses of children, but of Luna having to go through the same thing every night.

I'm sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations with this story, but hopefully I can improve and do so in the next one! I'm going to take everything you guys have said and try to improve upon it, but thank you very much for the honest criticisms. Anything that I can do to help myself become better and make it more enjoyable for y'all is greatly appreciated! :twilightsmile:

:fluttercry::pinkiesad2::raritycry::applecry: good concept, but i agree newbie

You should evolve this into a story about Luna's emotional evolution.

Wait, Greedy Needy wanted the Marsh that was east. But Luna said there were some mountains to build on in the east also. How could they both be in the same place?:derpytongue2:

3160302 :ajbemused::facehoof: The mountain is either farther or nearer than the marsh. For example, St Louis is West of my location, but so is LA.

Am I really the first person to point out that ponies write with their mouths, not their hooves?

3160497
Looking at the map, I see the swamps down South East, if the author wanted mountains he would eaither take the ones near Baltimare or Foal Mountain. Then again, Foal mountain is a bit close to be offered that, and the ones near Baltimare are probably use by mountain climbing ponies.:facehoof:

But, then again, this is fanfiction so anyone can change it to what they like! :twilightsheepish:

It's interesting to see what other authors think of Luna. Your story was a cute little read.

Despite the criticism, congrats on the Featured, man. I always said you'd make it.

Now you've just gotta do it again. You've proven you've got the skills, now ride the momentum and shoot for the stars!

Wow. That was... really great, but depressing.

:raritycry::raritydespair::fluttercry: This story is really sad, even though it may seem short. I think this deserves a chapter two where Luna visits the foal. *Cries out heart* So saaaaaaaad!!:fluttercry:

Luna looked stood on a balcony of the castle, staring off into the distance. From down below, ponies that were still awake could hear the goddess of the night, singing a sad, soft tune. The ponies that were already asleep shifted in their beds, dreaming happily, filled with thoughts of love and warmth, but also a subtle feeling of lingering regret. Luna simply looked up into her night sky, staring straight ahead.

High above Equestria were fourteen new stars, casting their light down onto the world below. They danced and frolicked together in their new constellation, making Luna’s night sky look even more beautiful and vivid than ever before. Colts and fillies who couldn’t sleep gazed lovingly at her stars, feeling a sense of calm and comfort wash over them. But Luna only felt sadness. She finished her sad tune, stepping back into the castle. She knew that she’d do the same thing tomorrow night, and every night for centuries.

First thing that popped into my head.

It never occurred to me that Luna would also be the marshal of death. A beautiful but sad read. Congratulations.

>>>Just as straightforward as ever Strong Will. I can’t wait to meet you again after so long.>>> The minotaurs also live over a thousand years? :rainbowhuh:

I agree with Lord Bucket, the first half of the story wastes far too much time on matters with no relevance, then the melodramatic letter occurs with no action from Luna whatsoever, foal dies, becomes star along with 13 other unnamed foals, Luna has a sad, and it's over.

The letter also didn't feel very believable. It felt like exactly what it is: an adult trying to pretend to write like a child. And then that's it. There no time for reflection, nothing of Luna's inner thoughts, nothing said at all about how she dealt with this in the past and what, if any, influence her time spent as Nightmare Moon had.

Also missed is the implication that Celestia had to take over this job for a thousand years during Luna's banishment.

Finally, if Luna is responsible for turning dead pony souls into stars, does Celestia do the opposite? Bring back the souls for reincarnation? Because if every pony became a star and stayed up there... the night sky would be rather crowded in Equestria by now.

This story needed much less time spent of Luna getting to the letter, the letter itself need to be mucyh shorter, more to the point, more timid and uncertain... more like a real child knowing he's going to die and not understanding.

And then the bulk of the story, if it's going to focus on Luna's emotional state... needs to focus on Luna's emotional state. We need more from her, more reaction, more internalization.

As it is, it's all surface feeling with nothing supporting it underneath.

3162568
Very true. I agree with all of your criticisms of my story. I tried to leave stuff like what he's dying from and all that non-descript. I kind of wanted to show that it doesn't really matter, because the stuff happens everyday anyway, and Luna's just going through the motions. But... I will take your advice to heart. I do need to delve deeper into the minds of the characters in the future, and think more about what I can do with the premise. I'm still trying to work out the kinks when I write for feels. As for Celestia having had to take over the role for a thousand years? I didn't want to outright state 'OH LOOK WHAT CELESTIA HAD TO DO SO SAD BOOHOO'. I wanted it to be something that was implied by its lack of mentioning, and something that the reader had to think about. But I guess I sort of failed there. I'll try not to disappoint you in the future.

3162568

You've articulated something I felt too. To me, the kid sounded like a total dick :rainbowwild: Because he was clearly trying to punch Luna right in her feels :p Would an actual child, or even an adult, spend half their letter to their hero complaining about how miserable they are? :p

"My name is Clear Skies…"

My first thought was

3159821
I don't know what everybody else is saying about this not being that good. I thought its impact was spot on. I liked how you showed us what was going on, instead of telling us. To me, that's what makes a good concept great.

3168335
I agree, this story gave me feels, and I absolutely loved it.:twilightsmile::heart:

3165349 nuuuuu I just got over that scene in the manga :raritydespair: :fluttercry: :unsuresweetie:

:fluttercry:the feels:fluttercry:

Dear Luna so many feels. :fluttercry: But such a beautiful story. :fluttershyouch:

Alondro pretty much summed up what I was going to say. I was confused about the long-lived Minotaur as well. I also think you could stand to work on Luna's diction—she seems to try to talk in the first person, but still uses thees and thous.

Also, read the first sentence. Done? Now facehoof. ;)

The story overall was a pretty good read, but it was a bit unrealistic. Singing sadly for centuries over fourteen dead foals?

3447621
Well, I was kinda tryin' to imply that this was a common occurrence, and people die every night. But this was my first sadfic, so I guess I didn't do that great a job at it XD

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