Your name is Lightning Strike, a pegasus tranfer to Cloudsdale's one and only "Cloudsdale's Academy for the gifted and talented".The only otherpony you know is your all time best friend, Thunder hoof, a dependable friend and caring pony ...
You aim to make the school wingball team with Thunder hoof and get an athlethic scholarship but school never seems to be that simple.
Along with everything else, you also get to experience the many ups and downs of high school.
How will you cope going to a new school, away from home and friends?
OCXDash
OCXFluttershy
Please comment on what you like and what could be improved!
Taken inspiration from many fics on the website. No plagiarism intended.
Chapters (16)
Hmm, OC shipping. I shall have a read, but I have mixed feelings about this.
Post-read: Not the best high-school ship-fic thingy I've ever read, but certainly not the worst. You could turn this into a pretty good fic if you sort out some basic grammatical and formatting errors. Either that or get an editor. You have the potential to make this pretty good, but you need to develop each scene a bit more. So far, their personalities seem pretty rock-solid, although it's early days to decide yet. You just need to clear up your capital letters and thought processes a wee bit. I'm not sure the
smileysemoticonsemotes are such a good idea, as for me they broke up the flow a little bit. Try tweaking them a little. For example: *ahem*'Did that even make sense 0_o'
Or
'Did that even make sense?' Lightning was dazed, still trying to get his head around the situation.
See how that improves it a little? Even just small tweaks like that can help a lot. Secondly, try not to put stuff like 'This is my first fanfiction'. It doesn't often garner you any sympathy, and readers tend to go for more professional-looking stories. Also, while recommendations are sometimes useful from readers, you are the author, and you should already have most of a plan laid out in your mind.
So, in short, you need to fix up the grammar and formatting, develop the scenes a bit, and make the story a bit more professional. If you can get an editor, I would advise you take this down, make it look damn sexy, then resubmit it. You probably won't get much interest at this point. There's a lot more I could write, but it is
lateearly, and I'm about to pass out. If you want advice, tips or help or whatever, just PM me. I'll try and help to the best of my ability.Textstorm over.
Post-read edit: Oh, tracking, just to see if you take any of that aboard. I get irate when ponies go against my advice
Second Post-read Edit: ' hopefully my inspiration won't die on my this quickly ' Not massively encouraging, to be completely honest...
Hmm. Wasn't going to read but see you are writing a considerable amount of words. I will give this story a chance.
Most people just write chapters of about 1000 words.
Lol
so funny, keep it up
ANd I haz goodz grammerz
I herped on that one.
To read later. I'm normally hesitant to read OC shippings from authors I've never read from before, but I'll have a go at this when I feel like it.
My first advice before reading this is to not make it corny. Corny fics are the bane of humanity, and those relating to younger years and revolving around school are easy to accidentally render corny.
Another piece of advice is to not make a Mary Sue (one-dimensional, nothing but positive traits) character. It's obvious already that ThunderHoof isn't like that, but the protagonist might be. My favorite way of not making a Mary Sue character is to abuse the fuck out of the protagonist and pretty much make his/her life a living hell.
I'll read this anyway, and I'll tell you what I think regarding these two aspects.
This os actually really good!!!
I hope i get to see some more!!!!
1106598 I'd hate to be one of your main characters
1106598 Oh it's funny you say that because I had my OC get hit by a car the other day.
1106647 So much love
The worst that's happened to one of my OC's is having to look after the CMC 
1106665 God help him
1106689 *her, and not even Celestia would be able to prevent the impending havoc!
Ah, dem Crusaders. I really ought to get around to writing a fic about them.
1106703 The Crusaders, Also known as the 12 legged hurricane. They are the definition of Havoc.
5/5 Moustache for you.
I very much enjoyed what you have so far cant wait for more
No idea why It was thumbed down.. Some errors here and there but it's good and funny. A little hypocrital, when you said thunder was nervous, then said he was calm, but that could be looked over.
4/5 for chapter one right now. On to two
It's good, but you definetly need an editor, as well as add a few more details. If you need someone to proofread for you, you can always contact me
AAAAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THATS HILARIOUS oh and i need MAOR
Moar! I need this story to empower me! (lolwhut?)
wait, so who is gonna get in trouble with dumb bell? thunder or lightning?
btw
"He face lit up at the last part." shouldn't it be "Her"
P.s. MOAR
YAY! Another Chapter!! I needz more!
Good so far but with the main OC, he's awfully close to being a Mary sue. Thats one thing to avoid.
Other than that I'm enjoying the story, hopefully the OC still has braincells by the end of this thing.
Hey liking your story bro its totally awesome!!!
p.s. does anyone know how I should break it to my freinds that I'm a brony??
The wingboner joke was funny, but became disturbing when Rainbow got one. I know, all pegasi have wings, so, technically, all pegasi should be able to get wingboners, but girls getting "boners" of any kind is just downright weird.
good chapter my friend
/
i forsee wingrape
You need a prereader. I spotted a lot of spelling errors and web POV switches from second to first
Please Please Please keep writing! i hate it when i find a good story and then the author stops writing.
1129114
Exactly. There are SO many stories I've put in my "read later" list that haven't been updated in more than a month.
Anyways, yeah, keep writing bro, it's going great so far.
well so much for moar
what happened to this story? its so good and then it just stopped...
Dumbbell...ehh doesn't sound smart enough to pull something like that
Oh no... Please no... I don't want this too end bad... Please Oh great author in the sky please make it so everything gets better!
pwease. 
SHIT HIT DA FAN!!!
and so it begins, the great shitstorm of our kind.
AGH THIS IS THE KIND OF CLIFFHANGER THAT DRAWS ME IN SO MUCH
You better update this story soon... I want to know what happens
and the shitstorm begins!
Ermagahrd been waiting for chap 4 for ever
damn it i just realized i read the chap ive been waiting for, and now i have to wait longer for the next!
hilarious!
Sorry everypony if it seemd like I was dead for the last week or something...
What happened is that I thought I had published chapters 3 and 4 on the 23rd and it was days before I realised neither chapter could actually be viewed. I'm already finishing chapter 5 but i realised nopony has read the latest chapter.
So... I want to finally continue with the plot, thought i hope nopony can guess who the antagonist is... unless i made it look obvious?!?!
If you want to take a guess, PM me but i'm not giving any spoilers.
Should you have any other questions or suggestions about the writing or the plot of the story, don't hesitate to PM me.
Nicely done
and I say keep the pictures
YAY more chapters!!
I like how your using pics in your fics
(hehe rymes)
Give me moar.
Rainbow dash x oc 5ever!
DEM PICS
[img]bow_chicka_bow_wow_by_th3y[/img]
That's all I have to say.
MOTHER FUCKING CLIFFHANGERS GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
YAY
rainbow cand be with lightning now! 
