• Member Since 2nd Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen Saturday

Fon Shaolin


Howdy. I've been writing fan fiction for years (six or seven at last count) and I've never gotten better at it. However, if you can find some enjoyment here then more power to you!


T
Source

One tiny change in an architectural plan changes Equestrian history forever.

As a filly, Twilight Sparkle is unable to pass the test at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns and is forced into the Canterlot Public School System. Without that lynchpin of her existence, what is left for the unicorn with untapped magical power and no direction? The answer might just surprise you - and Twilight.

[Attn: More characters and genres will be added as they appear.]

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 105 )
Comment posted by Alanith deleted Aug 1st, 2013

Oof, poor Twilight.

Really interesting idea here, I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

So far all the stories dealing with "Twilight doesn't find her destiny" skp straight to how the mane 6 are affected. I don't think any of them have explored how Twilight's life would have been different prior to that point. Its good to see that attempted.

This looks really promising.

I knew it would pay off to read it right away instead of just read later-ing it. :pinkiehappy:

I am looking forward to when the next chapter comes out. This is going on my read later list for sure and my favorites.

intrigued, looking forward to more:twilightsmile:

Very interesting premise.
I will be watching this.

So... is Twilight going to join the royal guard? That would be neat. Speculations aside, this is an interesting take on the whole 'no sonic rainboom' kinda story. Sure, the rainboom was there but it had no effect on Twilight :twilightoops:

Poor Twilight though, seems like the principal and her parents are oblivious to her issues. You'd think that they'd provide suitable counselling for an older blank flank with a temper :facehoof:

I know its a bit early, but *musters up epic proportion puppy dog look* please oh please let twilight have a happy ending.

Anyway, good story and a unique approach, good job so far. :)

At first, I thought this cut out too many key things of MLP:FiM, but the concepts you've introduced really are interesting. Nice job. Scumbag Twilight even makes me feel bad about being scumbag Rgrif9! Looking forward to where it goes from here.

Well, we certainly seem to be progressing now... :twilightsmile:

The time skip after the letter is a little jarring, though. It was unexpected, and and I had to re-read it to make sure I hadn't missed anything. A bit of space might help make it easier to read.

Give a few spaces to emphasize the time skip or at least some way to make it realize it has jumped forward.

Oh now this took an interesting turn!

Totally called it :rainbowdetermined2:

Second lieutenant Twilight Sparkle... has a nice ring to it. Can't wait to see where this story will go, now that Twilight has her cutie mark and a goal in life :twilightsmile:

I'm slightly disappointed that we didn't get to see more of what happened during the timeskip (particularly Twilight actually getting her cutie mark), but, on the other hoof, I realize how difficult it would be to properly fill that long a skip. Though, now that I think of it, perhaps it's meaningful that you've not shown us her getting her cutie mark; that would fit, after all, with the content of the end of the chapter. In any case, I'm quite looking forward to the next one!

Also, I have no idea why this story's upvote count is still only two digits.

3179884
Yeah, I probably should have. I wanted to be "artsy" though so I made the letter reading a segway. LET ME BE ARTSY, DAMMIT! :flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

3180587
Who needs upvotes when I have such good reviewers?

Characters are both in-character for the show, and Twilight is different in a realistic and interesting way. Technical stuff is solid. Premise is fascinating.

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:/5

Enjoying the story, Fon :3
you put it on hiatus, i put you under, though :v

3201980
I actually like writing this one, though! The others were chores.

Very interesting start; I'm quite curious to see where you're going to go with this!

Great chapter and an interesting fic, Twilight in the military is a cool idea and i'm curious to see where you take it; Celestia's letter was brilliant and perfectly in character, as was Twilight's reaction. Kind of wish it was Twidance, but that's just me. :twilightsheepish: Regardless impressive fic/chapter, the beginning and seeing how much Twilight missed was, really quite agonizing, but it's all coming good.

This is an interesting idea, and I am interested indeed. It'll be neat to see how her life will progress from here on.

Also, the situation at Twilight's school sounds familiar. I've heard of this kind of thing before, and it rarely ends well. It's almost guaranteed that Twilight will get bullied or bullied even more now that she can't strike back the way she could before.

I'm hoping there's a happy ending for her down the line, though.

This looks good so far. I would have liked to see just a bit of Twilight's time in the ROTC, but meh, there's lots of stuff left to write about, and I guess you may have her tell her friends/friends-to-be about it later on.

Also, nice cutie mark. It's very Twilight Sparkle. Also, it's pretty flattering for Celestia.

Yay! Looks good so far. :pinkiehappy:

Nice to see this update! Can't wait for more. Liked the alternative characterization you have going. :twilightsmile:

Yay, a new chapter at last!

"You two do remember that Twilight has leaves tomorrow, yes?"
Something seem to be wrong with this sentence.

"staring at tall class filled"
"staring at a tall glass filled", I assume you meant

And it's over. I look forward to the next one! :D

Twi's really hung up on this Royal Guard stuff, huh. Good for her, she knows what she wants and by god, she's going to get it!:yay:

3728896
Yeah, I tend to overlook prereading considering my haphazard update schedule. Thanks for catching all of those. :pinkiecrazy:


3723307
You too! :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

A few more from this chapter, edit - most are now fixed but some might need 2nd look

A waiter arrived with the drinks then and Twilight found herself staring at tall class filled with a rich amber liquid.

a tall glass

When the trio barreled out the restaurant door in rush of hooves, Twilight was giggling along with Cadence.

barreled out of

Cadence has you a job at the castle if you want it.

has arranged you a job

I’ve even got a second lieutenant rank already waiting on me when I get in!

(optionaly) waiting for me

Oh man, I only found this because you also wrote "Yesterday Is Today", which I just read—and only after finishing this do I notice that it's actually recent! :pinkiegasp: That's ... fortuitous, I guess.

Is this dead? cuz i want to read it but if it's dead i might not.

I'm so glad this isn't dead. Go Twily, go!
Stupid Princess school.

5605715
Navy boy, eh? I suppose that's not too bad. :trixieshiftright:

Dammit, I'm hooked now. Thanks a lot jerk.

Awesome story! Kind of sad now that there aren't any more chapters to read. (At least for awhile) =)

Soooo yeah, so happy this was updated, love it and so looking forward to more!

Do we have to wait a year for the next chapter? :v

It's back! Wow, over a year... It took me a short bit to refresh my memory. :)

Hm. And she has a hangover anyway.

Interesting choice of names for Twilight's parents.

"a peeled orange over to her and took"
"to herself"?

Ooh, and you've given Canterlot an internal railway system! :D
...And yes, I'm aware that it's a bit odd to find that so exciting.

And a fleet of military hot air rigids? Interesting! Magical heating, I suppose?

"and even a few old canons"
"cannons"

"realized her tern to get checked"
"turn"

"There was another cue, which "
"queue"

I don't know if you want this sort of feedback, but it wasn't clear to me at first that there were more than three unicorns, counting Twilight, taking the test. It was a bit confusing. Unless I'm missing something, of course; if so, sorry.

"For just a moment Twilight thought the unicorn’s voice had changed."
Hm... Interesting... Could be nothing, of course, just an auditory hallucination from the extreme conditions, but...

A very good chapter, I think. Nice to see this back.

[reads author's note]
Ah, and there's the reason, a good one, for the delay. :)

"Also, Yesterday is Today is being worked on as well."
Wow! Might have to fully reread that one when the next chapter comes out.

Thank you for writing.

Take THAT, sonic rainboom :twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

5352683 Well, it's updated now!

5606253 Also, there's

Twilight ended the debate succulently

I suspect the author meant "succinctly".

The end of the chapter was interesting. Was it Twilight's imagination, or something else? When did the evaluating doctor mention Twilight's name to the "Magister"? Or is someone interested in doing a little follow-up?

An update! Yes!

Also, Yesterday is Today is being worked on as well.

Yes squared!

Though the city hosted the largest zeppelin squadron in Equestria, not everything in the sprawling complex was related to flying those giant hot air airships.

If Equestria=North America you should have a surplus of helium for Zeppelins. (Helium that is now being sold out at dumping prices from US national reserves...)

5607408
"If Equestria=North America you should have a surplus of helium for Zeppelins. (Helium that is now being sold out at dumping prices from US national reserves...)"
Well, that depends on a variety of things, but I think the current system, as I understand it, is actually a neat idea. The higher you can get the temperature of the lifting gas, the lower you can get its density; heat it up enough, and can get more lift from hot air than ambient temperature helium, or even hydrogen. You could, of course, get even better performance from hot helium or hydrogen, but air is everywhere. You can vent as much as you like and take on more in midair over wilderness; filling the ships is cheaper than even a simple chemical hydrogen plant.
Of course, there are drawbacks; there are reasons why, on Earth, the most I remember being built with hot air are small nonrigids. First, you have to have a way to get the air sufficiently hot and keep it that hot, without posing too great a risk. We don't have that, but presumably these ponies do with some sort of magical system. Secondly, for any active ship, it has to be kept hot, unless you overbuild the ships. Rigids aren't meant to take their own weight, and it's a somewhat lengthy process, IIRC, putting them into or removing them from storage with their gasbags empty. Not good for military ships. Equestria could solve that, though, either by magically overbuilding the ships (enchanted girders that are stronger but not heavier and the like) or by magically keeping the air at some minimum temperature. Which one would be optimal would depend, I think, on the exact natures of the two magics, but they appear to have at least some solution making these viable.
edit: Is there a pony Count Zeppelin in this universe, by the way? I'm wondering where the name came from.

Awesome, I have been waiting for this to update. Great chapter.

Twilight Sparkle. Unicorn goon.

Awesome to see this isn't a deadfic. When I first found it and saw the timestamps on the comments I got worried that yet another fic that explores this AU concept had been given a promising start only to forego any updates past that.

I really love the way you've built up Twi's alternate character in this. The relationships between her and her family have a lot of nice depth to them.

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