• Member Since 2nd Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen Sunday

Fon Shaolin


Howdy. I've been writing fan fiction for years (six or seven at last count) and I've never gotten better at it. However, if you can find some enjoyment here then more power to you!

T
Source

Twilight Sparkle attends her first Election Day as a citizen of Ponyville! However, things don't go according to plan when her own notoriety catches up with her a few hours before the votes are cast. Twilight is forced to reconcile both her time as a royal insider and her new position as a member of the Common Assembly, but can her personal morals live up to her political responsibilities? Can her loyalty to Celestia?

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 61 )

Ha, funny! I like where this is going.

I'm enjoying this story, both how well it's written, and the subtle nods to outside references. To me, politics ( or at least, fictionalized politics) can be a bit of a drudge. Yours had me excited and eager to see what happens next. I look forward to more!:twilightsmile:

Told you the image would work. :yay:

You're not a bad writer, Mr. Shaolin, but I don't think you put too much thought into this story. First of all, I sincerely doubt Celestia would allow Twilight to be pushed into politics against Twilight's will. She'd want Twilight to finish her studies and grow with her friends. She relies on their friendship to protect Equestria. Celestia is a master manipulator whose word is law. This isn't rebeally debatable. If she has the power to banish someone for her own reasons without due process (and she clearly does, or else Twilight wouldn't have feared this happening to Fluttershy), then she's not going to let words on a paper get in her way. Secondly, have some originality. There's nothing interesting about carbon copies of real people in fiction. Also, the thought that people like McCain would want Twilight in government, in position he desires no less, is almost an insult to who he is irl. Finally, and most importantly, you are really out of touch with Twilight's character. You have her be excited about politics, which is fine, but then imply that she's cynical, which is not fine. Cynics aren't the type to be excited about voting. Nothing attracts more cynicism than politics. Second, Twilight is not, in anyway, cynical. She's sarcastic and a skeptic (the latter being the word I think you're looking for), but she's also a hardcore idealist at heart who believes that ponies are ultimately good, which is at odds with what a cynic is.

This is the part that you're going to dislike the most, as it derails the message you've set up, but it needs to be said. Twilight would never be a libertarian. I know you chose her because she's the smart one and; therefore, supposedly the best one to put your politics into, but think about it. She hero worships and defers oftento the wisdom of a very powerful leader who meddles with the lives of ponies as she sees fit. Considering libertarianism is against government meddling, you can see where the conflict emerges. Personally, I would've gone with Applejack for the libertarian heroine. A politically innocent, successful business owner goes into politics to protect her hard-earned assets. That fits better with the Mr. Smith Has a Crush on Ayn Rand thing you have going.

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Ho boy, now the fun starts.

1. The only thing you saw in this chapter was Mac Lane and the other candidates chipping in to put her on the ballot a few hours before a vote. How would Celestia even know about it that quick?

2. I honestly see Twilight as a little bit of a cynic (note that I described her as something of a cynic) since she's quick to doubt a lot of things in the show. The first episode we can see a fairly negative attitude towards things and the other ponies until she got to know them. Plus, one personality trait doesn't dominate all the others - Twilight is pretty enthusiastic about "normal" pony things, so I didn't think it was a great feet of metal gymnastics for her to be excited for voting for the first time.

3. As to the random political ponies, I put them in there as mostly a joke. They're not a big part of the story and I liked the idea of putting real world politicians in there for fun rather than make up random original characters (which I hate doing). As to their exact motives on why they would try and put Twilight up for office, that will be explained later. You know, maybe after the first chapter. Which this is.

4. You're putting our definition of Libertarianism into the MLP universe, which isn't even logical. Equestria, like you said, runs under (canonically) a Monarchy (maybe a noble republic), but in this fiction it's a Constitutional Monarchy. A libertarian in that setting would be for progressive rights, smart economic policy, and more local involvement in government. That's not to say that Twilight supports all of that, but I would certainly think she'd like leftist-Libertarianism because it puts a great deal of importance on egalitarianism and personal freedom, which Twilight has always been pretty quick to defend. She was all for treating Zecora like everyone else and tried pretty hard to mediate a compromise in Over a Barrel. Of course, you're automatically assuming that Dr. Longhaul was a direct parallell to Ron Paul without any kind of indication that he shared the exact same political views as Twilight. You're also assuming that Twilight wouldn't be pretty naive about what each political party actually meant (which kinda ties in with the story's tagline about choosing sides, doesn't it? DUN DUN DUN).

5. >implying I'm a libertarian

Writing political fiction is tough. For one, your fiction limits itself to the United States and people who really know its politicians. For two, your fiction will almost always alienate half of your potential readers.

If you rewrite this story, I would change the names of the politicians -- and emphasize more their political ideas. You'll bring in more readers.

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AppleJack would definitely be the libertarian candidate. Rarity would be the old-school Republican candidate, Fluttershy would be the bleeding-heart liberal, and Pinky would be the 5% margin of error.

A good story, but the word you're looking for is ballot, not ballet. They have completely different meanings.

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Thanks. I proofread this by myself, and I'm not the best, so the point is appreciated. All of them should be fixed.

Ooh! Nice to see you are still around Fon :P

Reading the story now.

Ok, got to the end...

First, you are a rather good author who can make the scenes flow together quite well, and I was laughing at the punny names for the politicians you snuck in.

Of course at the same time I was cringing because of said references :moustache:


Then again, anything these days that references current politics is liable to induce a want for the headdesk.

Do you plan on any future works?

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Well, this is going to be my main thing for a good long while. I like the idea and what I can do with it (that romance tag is there for a reason). I might do some one shots in between chapters, though.

Making Obama a zebra.......
insert THATSRACIST.gif!

I kid. I enjoyed the story but I must admit you'd probably have been better served by not thumping a libertarian viewpoint at the reader. A generic spineless political opponent would've served your story just as well as a crude Obama stand in.

1. Never said she did. I meant that once she found out, she'd put a stop to it unless Twilight actually wanted with this, which would be weird since Twilight avoids the spotlight when necessary.

2. That's a skeptic, but you're right about her in the first episode. Anyways, I'm nitpicking, so moving on.

3. They may have been jokes, but you were still broadcasting your opinions on real people without any subtlety, which, as others have noted, can alienate readers. One of these jokes was apparently important enough to you to reference it in the name of the first chapter, which isn't good because first impressions are important and can mislead and turn away readers. This story isn't about the ponified 2008 presidential race, but from the title of the first chapter and most of the chapter itself, it looks like it could be. That, and international bronies might not get the jokes.

4. You're contradicting yourself. First you say our definition isn't logical and then you state a bunch of positions that are held by actual libertarians, meaning there's some truth to what I'm saying. Additionally, Twilight could be a bunch of different things judging from those vague qualities you described. Yeah, she's for equal rights and compromise, but that just makes her more of a liberal. I just think that Celestia's beliefs and willingness to manipulate seemingly minor local events to her favor from her throne for the greater good would've rubbed off on her student, which is something the Ron Paul you seem to like enough to make Twilight like his parallel would be very outspoken against. You don't really give any indication that these aren't ponified versions of real politicians (Longhaul being a long shot, Scrub being unpopular, McLane being old), so readers like me are going to assume that they're more alike than different.

5. >implying that you're not when you clearly have a favorable view of them and know what they stand for. I'd guess you're a Republican who likes Ron Paul a bunch but knows he'll never win.

I don't mind your politics and this story has potential provided you can do some good explaining, but you can't beat people over the head with your undisguised opinions and expect a majority of them to want more.

1. Never said she did. I meant that once she found out, she'd put a stop to it unless Twilight actually wanted with this, which would be weird since Twilight avoids the spotlight when not necessary.

2. That's a skeptic, but you're right about her in the first episode. Anyways, I'm nitpicking, so moving on.

3. They may have been jokes, but you were still broadcasting your opinions on real people without any subtlety, which, as others have noted, can alienate readers. One of these jokes was apparently important enough to you to reference it in the name of the first chapter, which isn't good because first impressions are important and can mislead and turn away readers. This story isn't about the ponified 2008 presidential race, but from the title of the first chapter and most of the chapter itself, it looks like it could be. That, and international bronies might not get the jokes.

4. You're contradicting yourself. First you say our definition isn't logical and then you state a bunch of positions that are held by actual libertarians, meaning there's some truth to what I'm saying. Additionally, Twilight could be a bunch of different things judging from those vague qualities you described. Yeah, she's for equal rights and compromise, but that just makes her more of a liberal. I just think that Celestia's beliefs and willingness to manipulate seemingly minor local events to her favor from her throne for the greater good would've rubbed off on her student, which is something the Ron Paul you seem to like enough to make Twilight like his parallel would be very outspoken against. You don't really give any indication that these aren't ponified versions of real politicians (Longhaul being a long shot, Scrub being unpopular, McLane being old), so readers like me are going to assume that they're more alike than different.

5. >implying that you're not when you clearly have a favorable view of them and know what they stand for. I'd guess you're a Republican who likes Ron Paul a bunch but knows he'll never win.

I don't mind your politics and this story has potential provided you can do some good explaining, but you can't beat people over the head with your undisguised opinions and expect a majority of them to want more.

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She's only JUST been informed as to the intentions of making her a candidate, and the chapter ends with it sinking in. How she comes to accept it is still in the air. Don't judge the dive till it hits the water.

You don't need to be American to laugh at incompetent, lying politicians. If he changed the name from O’Banga to, say, Gale Wind and made him a pegasus, the joke would still be the same without changing anything else. Lying politician getting what he deserves.

Disclaimer (Because all political discussions need one, of course!) : Australian, and believe all politicians are lying, corrupt bastards that need to be taken behind the shed, both 'right' and 'left'.

Hey, this is the Administration is Magic guy, here.

You're not a bad writer, but I have to admit that your political beliefs do shine through a bit in your story. When you're doing this kind of thing, try to detach yourself from your feelings. Politicians are great at turning phrases, and most of politics is a battle of manipulating emotions and the moral high ground. O'Banga seemed to lose his composure awfully easily to a question that would have been right along his usual talking points, and the ponies seemed to agree too readily with Twilight's political stances. You have to imagine how O'Banga would want to turn things around and save face - Twilight trying to drill O'Banga on his policies could honestly be rearranged to look ungracious after he celebrated her in front of everyone. It's not unusual for non-political celebrities to give themselves black eyes by speaking out in front of everyone; politicians themselves aren't always bright, but their campaign managers and publicists can be lethally brilliant.

The other thing to think about are the mentalities that lead to certain voting patterns. Don't think of politics as a matter of right from wrong. No Foal Left Behind may be a good program in Equestria, but here in the real world it's surrounded by bitterness and contention, and most policies are like that. Rather, remember that the masses are persuaded by the arguments that appeal to them. Arguments from the right wing have the tendency to resonate with people who have a more structured and practical sense of the world. They think more in a set of rules and guidelines, recognizing patterns and building on them - these people like the status quo, and a large number of them are older because of the way brain development works. Arguments from the left, on the other hand, resonate with people who are more creative and who are more focused on human issues. They're more willing to embrace shifting landscapes and have a certain desire to withstand controlled chaos if it reaches an aim they think is important; these people are usually younger, since the prime years of life are when your mind is most fluid and able to adapt to alterations to terrain.

Then there's the issue of education. All too often, friends of mine with rather soft educational backgrounds have the tendency to get wrapped up in intellectual fights they don't understand. The cause is that education creates confidence in one's ability to resolve intellectual problems. People think that, because they're obviously not stupid, they can make judgements that they really shouldn't - in fact, Twilight would be highly likely to succumb to this kind of problem. In politics, this is why you see a lot of women's study majors or English majors getting deeply into environmental issues or what-have-you. Those people don't really understand the convoluted regulations, the chemistry, or the biology, but they trust in their own ability to think things through and pick a good side. If something strikes them with strength, they assume they're making a logical choice.

Politicians use such people among others, but to go further, people with soft backgrounds are excellent individuals to bring to a cause. Most people openly claim to disdain conflict, but the truth is that humans thrive on it. I don't know how ponies may feel, but people choose these battles and slog them out because they want meaning in their lives. The contented individual without enemies often tries to keep himself busy. Give those folks a cause and some will take it to outrageous lengths if they never find a more pressing issue. A man with an English major has the tendency to fall into this useful group because, honestly, in the practical world, the books we've read and our opinions based on them are not essential. It's really more about our ability to create and seize opportunities, so when we get out of school and find ourselves in a place that doesn't value our education much, we look for things we think we can apply it to.

I have to admit, I also don't understand why the other politicians are throwing their money to Twilight. Hubris? Do they think she's going to stir up trouble for O'Banga? Honestly, they can't just do that. Their financial advisors are going to have heart attacks. Not to mention, I'd be weary about throwing non-repayable favors to a pony connected to Celestia; the god-princess is wealthy, absurdly entrenched in her position of power, and above all else, not the least bit predictable. Some people think she might try to get Twilight back on track with studies, but there's an honest chance she'd throw in some backing for Twilight just because she finds it amusing. She might get Twilight to drop from the race at the last minute, or she might leave her in there, giving Celestia a representative she knows all too well in that district.

Finally, for the future chapters, remember that if Twilight's going to fight, for the most part she isn't going to be fighting the representatives themselves. She can mess with their emotions and force them to say things they'll regret, but usually she'll be working against the campaign teams. The politicians are just the face. Some know what they're doing, some don't, but all of them are surrounded by other people (or ponies in this case) who make a living by fighting these kinds of wars. Those unseen mares and stallions are like trained assasains drifting in the night; the spirit of Death itself looming over the public image of their enemies, every bit as unassailable as an apparation. Those guys aren't out on the field where they can be shot themselves, but they do a lot of shooting. Unless Twilight gets a team of her own to build some defenses, she'll be dead before she hits the ground.

It'll be fun seeing how this turns out.

I think the people commenting here is making too many comparisions to real politics. I'm not American, I know little about American politics aside from some of the very basics, but I rather enjoyed it so far. Nothing "went over my head", I never thought I noticed the authors own political views shine through.

A political fanfic in the Pony verse could be rather interesting. I'm personally thinking of it as a rather communistic or socialistic country overall, but with Celestia in the end having final say over what politics are actually accepted. The right of Veto so to speak.

I can see here why Celestia wouldn't comment on Twilight taking the job as. After all, right now the public is in her favour and it would look pretty bad if she asked Twi to step down. On the other hand, as another commenter said before it's not like Twilight would be impartial. I can see her willing to argue a point with the Princess, but she wouldn't be as bull headed as politicians usually are. (Wait, that's a good thing. Go Twilight!)

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Just felt like doing it :).

Hey, I'd vote for her!

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Totally agreeing with Zanzibar here!
I lol'd at the drama in the comments and just read the fic as a semi-humorous Twilight-gets-suckered-into-politics fic.
But apparently fan-fics are serious business? :rainbowwild:

O'banga <- Half-zebra.

Would he have, like, just one really big stripe?

I kid, I kid.

25365

Well, taking an author's work seriously (even if it is "just" comedy) is usually a sign of respect. If you're going to give criticism, it'd be better if it was thought through, no?

Also. Twilight was lucky she was dragged in at the very last minute. Sure she'd saved the town a few times (as well as the world), but things like mindscrewing the entire population of Ponyville into a chaotic frenzy tend to stick and make for disgruntled potential voters.

IT UPDATED! :pinkiehappy:

Awwww Twilight, you just need to learn a massively long ranged teleportation spell. No problem right?
:facehoof:
Oh... Well damn.

Thank Goodness. I was afraid this story had stagnated and died like several of the others I check daily, hoping for updates. In particular, 'On a Cross and Arrow' comes to mind, in that regard. Even if it is marked as 'complete', it was left on a minor cliffhanger. Makes it feel...incomplete. But enough of about that. I'm glad to see this story get another update, and I sincerely hope the author keeps it up!

In response to prior comment: Long Rang Teleportation Spell? ...Because that would NEVER go wrong, right? :D *innocent look!*

Poor Twilight! I really like this; looking forward to updates.

Excellent chapter, you really do Twilight's dilemma justice. I feel terrible for her, having given up her happy life in Ponyville with only Celestia as a beam of hope, and then... bam. One of my favorite parts was Twilight trying to shake off the feeling of her time in Ponyville as 'a field trip'.

Right now, things seem suprisingly bleak considering the skill you've crafted Twilight's situation with. How will Celestia address this issue, I wonder?

However it happens, I look forward to seeing more.

Heh, very interesting chapter and quite well written Fon.

I must admit, though, that I can't see Twilight as accepting something like that. I'd be expecting her to resign her office within the next 24 hours xD. It'll be interesting to see how you'll deal with all of this though :).

(Because, honestly, the choice of going into politics or being Celestias student for as long as might be necessary? Not much of a choice now is it?)

I knew it! The formal congratulations/no messages since was the big hint. Celestia has to remain impartial to government officials.

And like Zanzibar, I can see a very near attempt to abandon ship like a rat fleeing a sinking wreak. Friends/Family/Celestia/Ponyville vs No-friends/No-Celestia/No-Ponyville. No contest.

And on top of that, she's also going to be worried that she's caused Celestia some serious political problems (When she wakes up), and headaches.

I'm also seeing the 'Campaign Donations Fiasco' is going to force her hoof to remain in office, however.

It's always fun to see when people catch lampshade hanging in one of my fics.

It's even more fun to see the lampshades that they didn't notice. :trixieshiftright:

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I have seen one other. The whole reason why other candidates basically threw money at Twilight to become their opponent.

I doubt it's from the goodness of their hearts.

MacLane is playing the long-game. Using Twilight as a political piece in what looks like an incredible move. He's positioned himself as her benefactor of sorts, while also driving his opponent's into political ruin. At the same time, he avoids the trap of his own making by using personal money, which ingrates him to the public for being generous and 'pony(hu)mane' as he has difficulties with his wife, while at the same time avoiding any idea of impropriety with campaign finances, setting up his run towards Royal Governor.

I'm wondering just how much Celestia will reject this, or if she will attempt to keep relations with Twilight, just on the down-low. I expect Sol Shard is pulling the strings at the moment as far as Celestia goes, but I don't know if he's doing it under her orders, or to further her political motives.

Never-be-it that I said that Celestia couldn't be a political animal though... Though, at the same time, being an immortal divine princess leave you with a bit more leeway, but we'll see. Tracking and watching anxiously.

I don't know a bit about American politics, but I still loved this one, it's even one of my favorite fanfics.:trollestia:

This has a lot of potential, and I am eager to see more. :trixieshiftright:

I didn't get the feeling that the first chapter showcased particular authorial political bias, but that's just me. I felt O'Banga folded too quickly to be realistic, but it's possible there was more behind-the-scenes action than we realize at this point, and even if there isn't, I think it fits the tone of the show and am sympathetic to the need for the plot to get moving, especially since you're taking the time to develop your characters and setting as opposed to rushing through (which I appreciate).

I'm not going to start a rant about the Obamaspoof, because appareantly it was really funny :P
the first 50 lines or so were the pain, but from there on... FUCKING PRICELESS!

I really am kinda sorry about the first chapter. It was a joke, and I was going to redo it in politically-neutral terms, but too many people complained and raged about it (not on here) that I'm going to stick to my guns just to spite them.

Still, I think that Obanga is a nice zebra who would do good as a representative - unfortunately, he was up against Twilight Deus Ex Machina.

I think you depicted perfectly my impression on the political world in general! doing politics is not about the right ideas and the will to carry them over, instead is all about the ability to dance around at the right tempo, knowing what move is the right one to make and paying attention not to slip or get on somepony hoof... I can see her trying to keep up with everything only to run toward an eventual downfall, I'm only hoping that she'll land on her hooves :/
pretty well written political story!

That's an extremely interesting story, and Twilight's dilemma is burning me from inside.
...Can we still expect a continuation to this story, given last chapter was posted half a year ago?

Sadly Fon's seemed to go off the pony grid. Shame too.

Yay! Making fun of that good for nothing Obama ftw!:yay:

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What is a pony grid but a miserable pile of secrets?

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Enough talk! Have at thee!

>implying I'm a lazy author :pinkiecrazy:

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What!? It's only taken 40 weeks! Surely that's not -

Okay, it is a little lazy.

And Twilight hasn't even read what's going on and already she's chomping at the bit to sign it.

Hmm. It seems like Twilight might be falling in with the wrong crowd...

It's true, Twilight's endless questions would, in fact, utterly destroy any prepared political stance/speech....point to Twilight:twilightblush:

oh my.....if Twilight has anxiety issues with normal problems.....she is going to go:pinkiecrazy: with daily political craziness:twilightoops:

well....that didn't take long, She hasn't even been sworn in yet and she has collapsed.....I get the can't show favoratism thing, but she's the princess's student no matter what....not to mention SAVED EQUESTRIA

its possible, I'll give her train friend the benefit of the doubt, but it does seem like she is getting rangled in for push support

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