• Member Since 7th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen July 19th

Comma-Kazie


I'm Comma-Kazie; grammarian, nitpicker, and all-around master of feels.

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This story is a sequel to The Life and Times of a Winning Pony


In the time since she became Derpy's daughter, Sparkler Doo has come to trust and love her mother more than words can express. Three years of tender, loving care and patience brought Sparkler out of her shell, showing a scared little filly that she was loved—and safe.

All it took was one fateful lapse in judgement to bring that crashing down. Now, with her faith in her mother shaken to its core, Sparkler has to take a step back and try to pick up the pieces.

Assuming she wants to.

This story takes place in tandem with the events of Chapter 19 of The Life and Times of a Winning Pony

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 127 )

Author's Note: (here, because I don't like the new A/N bar)


Special thanks as always to my collaborators, Chengar Qordath and Ponibius, and to my proofreaders: Cloudhammer Fangwarden, Hyperexponential, JJGingerhooves, SwiftestShadow, and Trinary.

A very interesting look into the mind of one Sparkler Doo. I do like what you did with her here.

I'm really curious to see more StarSpark. The awkwardness is adorable :rainbowlaugh:

Why does it seem like whenever something depressing happens in this universe, you have a hand in it? Not that I'm complaining, you write such things rather well.

2857794 Shh... at least Derpy's still alive... :twilightoops:

An interesting look into the mind of Sparkler. It was nice to see what a side character in the madness that surrounds the WP love triangle is thinking, and how it is affecting her.

I was surprised to see how much vitriol Sparkler holds towards Cloud... but you make it make sense.

It started out really good, and progressively got worse for me. What I was hoping for was a bit more of a look into Sparkler's past and her feelings about Cloud Kicker and her mother's relationship. Instead we saw a little of that in the first half, and then the rest was mostly dynamic between her and Star. What really ruined this for me was the end. It felt incomplete, and I suspect that there was more that is missing from here, but if this actually is the ending, then there's a lot wrong with it. Still, a good story. It haves us more of an insight into Sparkler than we've seen before, and I'm definatly a fan of that.

Was that the actual ending? It really felt off.

Well, at least it's Shadow Kicker watching you Sparkler. At least she has a face...and isn't dressed in a business suit...or sporting limbs of the elongated persuasion...
...
th01.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/145/8/6/slendermane___commission_by_spittfireart-d5113at.png
...
...Yeah, there are definitely worse things that could be watching you.

About the only complaint I have is that Sparkler keeps referring to Luna, instead of Celestia. It confuses me. Luna was virtually unknown to ponykind until a few years ago, having been forgotten through the passage of a thousand years of absence. Upon her return, she nearly succeeded in her genocidal plans and was promptly defeated by the new Elements of Harmony. She was then forgiven and redeemed by Celestia and ostensibly returned to helping her sister rule Equestria. But she hasn't really done anything since then, and certainly hasn't done anything to warrant the kind of love and devotion Sparkler is portraying here. Did I miss something? Was it established somewhere that Sparkler had been studying Luna's history and felt some kind of connection with the princess and her struggles with abandonment, loneliness, and jealousy? Because that's the only explanation I can think of to explain her commentary in this chapter.

poor sparky:fluttercry:

What's needed is another side story explaining what's going through somepony else's mind: D(itz/erp)y's.

This is good, very good. I was kind of hoping to see a Sparkler-centric story from the Winningverse, and this does not disappoint.

2857163
Do you plan to add to this story if Chapter 20 of Winning doesn't give Sparkler enough detail?

“It's fine.” Star gave me a small, reassuring squeeze, then reached out to tap the statue and murmured something before going back to sleep. I think it was some kind of prayer for guidance.

Not that the statue needed a lot of guidance, either way. It was still there. I swear, it shifted again. I wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight.

Oh, Luna … it was watching meeeeeeee...

I was going to sleep, but I have three large windows facing my bed and for some weird reason, it just became considerably more difficult to do so.

2857919

Based on all the little things in the this, I think the only conclusion is that Sparkler is a Luna cultist of some sort. The hatred she seems to have for Shadow would make sense if her ancestors were part of the Lunar Rebellion. Though the question is would that be her biological ancestors or the Doos.

2857163>>2857579 You two need a website, cause I have trouble keeping track of all our pony.+

'Eya, correcting a minor error. Excellent as always.

but your mommy and Cloud Kicker both some space right now.

"both need some space", perhaps.

Don't Blink Sparkler. Not once.

And then the next day, Sparkler is going to be dead tired and say something like "I didn't get much sleep" and everypony is gonna be like "Yeah, I bet you didn't *wink nudge*"

Shadow Kicker has become to Sparkler what the Bunyip was to me after watching that one kids movie.

I love that you wrote this. Now we need Derpy's viewpoint of this chapter. I want to know what she was thinking once she found out Sparkler left...

you and your dark tags...

2857824
You just had to say something, didn't you?:moustache:

2857721
I'm getting there, and it is adorable :twilightsmile: here's hoping I can do it justice :twilightblush:


Well, Comma...the dark tag pulled through. The scene of her in the manor had my heart racing. Your ability to capture that fear is nothing less than amazing.

damn, creepy statue...
awesome, love a good Winningverse story

I shifted a little to try and get a little closer to the small gap beneath the door; naturally, my little sister wanted to listen for herself and pressed her ear against my free ear.

Dear god. That's so adorable that it physically hurts. :fluttercry:

Though... things got a lot more real, very fast.
In Winning Pony, I'd sort of... I dunno, seen it as a bit of an overreaction on Sparkler's part, for the hit, or if not that, then a moralistic stand.

But... the hiding in the room thing hit close to home. That sort of thing I could understand. And you can see the trauma a hell of a lot more clearly with that. The actual fear.

On the nontraumatic front, I think I rather like Sparkler. The attitude works for me, and I like the different perspective. Her view on Shadow is pretty great, since we generally see it from a far more sympathetic light.

Also, can't complain about awkward teenage romance. Ha.

It was nice to see something that isn't a painfully somber deathfic from you, Kazie! You seem to do pretty damn well for yourself outside the genre. I hope you emerge from it more often.

2857919
Yeah, this bugged me too.

I had to sit there and rationalize it, as maybe some kind of rebellious teenage trend. Luna as the cool, new dark goddess to the boring old Celestia their parents went on about.

Feels like just an extra chapter, but it does give some nice insight on things. I rather expected even more angst considering the "Dark" tag, but it may be just that the latter half with Star Kicker distracted me from it.

Also, Ratchet is now best Background Pony. :pinkiehappy:

Dammit, she just had to bring Ratchet up. We’d almost had something going, before his parents up and decided to try their luck out on the Appleoosan frontier. Stupid adults and their stupid plans out in some stupid desert.

Ooh, put on a bus without a single real appearance in any story! In any that I've read, at least. I'm starting to wonder whether Ratchet actually even exists. :rainbowlaugh:

Sparkler, don't blink! Don't turn your back, don't look away and don't. Blink! Creepy little Weeping Angel in disguise....

Either way, as usual, brilliant take on Sparkler's view. That scene with everyone of them giving Star and her a hard time never ceases to make me fall over laughing xD
And Sparkler's reactions were perfect! Perfect! :rainbowlaugh:

I'm glad that this is a Winningverse Sparkler story and not a Dead Derpyverse Sparkler story.

There's a whole lot of backstory in there that's been alluded to that probably needs to come out in Chapter 20 of Winning Pony before it can be discussed here... but I think that this story shouldn't be "complete." Sparkler as a Winning Daughter deserves more than one chapter.

It's obviously a big deal that Sparkler's attitude about the situation changed the minute Derpy hit Cloud Kicker... had to reread chapter 19 to get the scene from Cloud's perspective again. The way Sparkler phrased her thoughts gave the impression that she was physically or sexually abused in Foal Services, and was afraid for the longest time that Derpy was going to do the same to her (and was the "real" reason she adopted Sparkler). Now, while Sparkler admits that she's not as scared of Derpy as she was at the time, it's also the first time she's been this scared of her mom in two years... Yikes.

The Luna oaths and strong attitude toward Shadow Kicker do seem odd, but I remember my high school years. I took strong positions for and against controversial subjects without batting an eyelash when I was her age, often influenced by peer pressure.

A lot of the things here, I probably should have brought up sooner, but I had to read a few of the other comments before I got a more solid idea of what I felt was off. So, sorry about bringing it up what is admittedly a tad late.

First off, a Dark Tag? I'm not sure anything in this short story can justify the use of a dark tag.
Especially with that ending, it feels more like the end of a comedy-type chapter. It derails from the main point of a story (especially a one-shot like this one).

Actually, that does bring me to my next point. I never got exactly what you were trying to convey, as in what is this story about?
Are you trying to show the internal turmoil Sparkler has about Derpy? Because this turmoil has more been "told" than "shown".
Are you just showing where she's gone when she ran away? Because we already know that from the ending of chapter 19 of the main story.

Also, what are you trying to make the us, the readers, feel? Sympathy because of the struggle Sparkler is experiencing? Or laughter and "Oh-Sparkler... can't-you-see-she-likes-you"-ness? Both? Both certainly can fit and would definitely be better than only one of them, except that I barely felt the internal struggle she had. Or rather, compared to the rest of the story, this was more like a passing mention and a small thing. There was only a comparatively small portion of the story about that before it's all about the awkward interaction between Sparkler and Star.

So yeah, the main issues is that there didn't seem to be a lot of Sparkler lingering on Derpy's action, and that ending. That is not to say what you had was not good (it was certainly an enjoyable read), but I felt confused as to what exactly you were trying to get across.

2857910 Get on my level. Read "I would smile if I could," and tell me he still scares you. I can't name five others fictional of otherwise who I would rather have watching over me.
2857824 Way to spoil the ending! I was looking forward to that!
You're pretty much the only Wingverse exposure I get but I was able to piece what else was happening pretty well. Well done as usual, except for the end. I see the Complete tag but there's no way it's done. Unless I have to read Winning Pony to see what happens.
One last note, CAN we expect a story focused on her time in Foal Services? God forbid what happened to her birth parents? I would make Pinkie happy.:pinkiehappy:

2859309

Yes, this is just a side-story, the viewpoint of a more-or-less mid-minor character. Sparkler is an important element, but not main cast-important. I highly suggest picking up The Incredibly Dense Mind of Rainbow Dash, then moving on to The Life and Times of A Winning Pony.

Seriously though, is this meant to be the actual ending? It really does feel incomplete. Even if it's meant as just one chapter, that ending leaves me completely unsatisfied. None of the conflicts are resolved, and a serious, dark-tagged story ends comedicly. I don't know what your plans are for the next Winning Pony chapter and if they involve elements from this story, but if so, you should have waited until the next one was out. You're doing good, but this just wasn't your best piece.

That's it? You're ending it there? That's more of a cliffhanger than an ending.

Also, with Sparkler's .... history, I'd think that the hit (bringing as it did all sorts of bad memories) would bring back certain other unpleasant memories of 'beds' and 'closeness' that might preclude her and Star sharing a bunk like that. Just saying, it's a bit of a leap in my mind. But then again, given my own history perhaps I'm just more cognizant of the situations that would snap old habits and fears into place.

She wont get any sleep...


Now that's gonna be awkward at breakfast :trollestia:

Dang, Sparkler has some serious issues with Shadow Kicker. I have to wonder where that comes from. And that bit about her magic being sloppy? No way that's just a throwaway detail, so maybe a lead up to some future tutoring from Twilight, perhaps?

We need more Sparkler. Good story, it flowed well but really it felt like a chapter in a story rather than a one shot.

More.

We the Legion, demand it.

2859720The Doos were striped of there noble title because they were on the side of the rebellion. adopted or not, Sparklers a Doo.

since the Kickers were the only Pegasus noble family that(read, military clan) that stayed on Celestia's side during the rebellion, and that Shadow was a hero, and there might be some resentment even centuries later, for the one pony involved, even if there is none for the family of that pony.

2859773 I know all that, I'm reading the LR story. But Sparkler was adopted as a young adult by Derpy of all ponies, just seems like a short amount of time and an unlikely source to have picked up that much vitriol against a pony 900 years dead.

I think ya'll need to consider that the Winningverse might just be ignoring the idea that everyone completely forgot about Luna. After all there was the Lunar Rebellion only 200 years (am I remembering that right?) after her banishment, and given how big a thing Shadow Kicker is, pegasi, and probably the other tribes as well, have not forgotten it. LR is framed as Shadow's memoirs, and if those are supposed to exist in the present day, they mention Luna.

2857163 umm... It seems dumb, but can we get another chapter? I really liked the ways this ended but it felt incomplete almost like a cliffhanger which I don't think the story needed.
I also got so enthralled I was honestly about to turn to another chapter when I realised its a one-off! :derpytongue2:
People keep saying it didn't do it's job of showing the decisions Sparkler had to make which I kind of agree with so elaborations would be great (if possible). I would also like for possibly more insight into Sparkler's past at the Orphanage or whatnot it would make a fantastic separate one-off or even a sequel? Anyway enough blab I personally loved this and can't wait for more Winningverse!!! :pinkiehappy:

2858423 That comment works so well with your avatar.

Basically, Star’d just told me that she’d have an easier time cracking Voyneigh Manuscript.

History buff or cracked.com fan?

2859970
I'd say Luna wasn't unknown in the Winningverse prior to her return, but the history surrounding her wasn't common knowledge by 'modern' times. Any pony who wanted to go to the library and do a bunch of research could find out all about her, but the vast majority of ponies wouldn't care about ancient history like that. Then you get the fact that the popular perception of all that old history is being filtered through centuries of biases, agendas, and legends...

For a good parallel, think about how much the average person knows about the Norman conquest of England, the Crusades, or similarly old history from Earth. Sure, a history buff who's done some research could tell you a lot about it, but most people only have a vague notion that Stuff Happened.

2860854

Which leads to the conclusion that Sparkler's family must have been on the wrong side of the Lunar Rebellion and have not let it go. Like, "although I dunno how anything that has to do with Celestia or her favorite war-whorse could be considered ‘tasteful.’" is not something that comes from teen rebellion or whatever. That is some deep seated hatred right there.

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