• Member Since 27th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen February 14th

JaketheGinger


There are a few Jakes on this website. I'm the ginger one.

T

For Lyra, life is pretty swell. She has the best fillyfriend anyone could ask for in Bon Bon and she doesn’t need to worry about work or any complicated drama. Overall, she can live her life at her own tempo.

If only things stayed that simple.

Side story to The Life and Times of a Winning Pony and the rest of the Winningverse and approved by Chengar Qordath and Comma Kazie.

Chapters (13)
Comments ( 274 )

So much Win! I :heart: it!!

just discovered that derpy was a mare:derpytongue2:

Very nicely done! Looking forward to seeing more of the Winning Lyrist.

Another Winningverse story...alright.
Commence read.

Great start to the story. Now to await the inevitable WPverse train wreck...

Ok, I've got to warn you... Incoming Wall-o-text. Don't worry though, not all of it is stuff to edit, things I liked are in there too.
Obvious edits will be left alone for brevity.

at the unfortunate news..

day was starting to end anyway.

This might just be stylistic, but "ending".

I loved that plus, it made

The comma should probably be on the other side of the "plus".

A band-aid with rusty nails in it.

This is a great analogy!

towards the spa. I had to intercept her now; if she entered that spa,

Earlier you had spa capatalised, you should really choose one or the other.

for her help..and for dumping

I hate arguing with them so I just nod
portions we received but we had
valuable set in Equestria but selling them

Commas.

Things to do and ponies to see!

Too bad it isn't the other way around, if you catch my drift...

I’d at least made the effort.

Double space.

stand out; The only

her a big hug but I was

I’m not sure whether to keep these or eat them.

FINALLY!!! Someone that point out that flowers are a multi-purpose gift.

"Hey Rarity glad I ran into you thanks again for your help Bon Bon loves the dress oh hey Applejack nice catch Rarity she's cute anyway gotta go Bon Bon's waiting for me just wanted to thank you again bye Rarity bye Applejack!"

And we finally get to see this from Lyra's POV.

Perhaps I could give Rarity some advice with romance in order to repay her. Although I had a feeling she’d be offended if I straight up gave it to her.

OOooOO Will this tie in with Fabulosity?

affectionate in publicbut

was that it wasa depressing

Here comes my biggest problem with the story (and probably what got you the dislikes).

Colgate had the best teeth in Ponyville and probably in all of Equestria. Not surprising really. She is Ponyville’s dentist after all. I don’t know a single pony who doesn’t like her though. She’s so gentle with her check ups, unlike those awful dentists I had in Canterlot as a filly. I had thought about getting a job with her but some of the operations...eugh. Just no.
Many wondered what being a dentist had to do with an hourglass cutie mark. Simply put, Colgate worked her job very efficiently. Rare was the occasion where a pony would have to wait for an appointment with her. Colgate was one of those ponies that excelled at time management.

See what you did there? You stopped telling the story. And to do what? World build? No. Tell another POV? No. It was to give irrelivant background info. Now I like background info, but this was two straight paragraphs of it, and that is a major turn off.

we started to bang and neither of us

Just fix your background info problem and you should have a top notch fic right here.:twilightsmile:

Featured? Well don't that beat all. Nice work, bro.

I think at this point Winningverse is getting to be as populated as Fo:E. I am 100% okay with this.

1847719
Um, my bad.
If it's really that big a problem then I (or JJ GingerHooves) can take it down. I could resend it in a PM, I guess.

I always love LyraBon stories. Great to see one in the winningverse...

Now cue the inevitable train wreck. :pinkiehappy:

1847763
By that i mean social/relationship train wreck.

1847741 It's really not a big deal. PMs just tend to be a bit more subtle in pointing out post-publication errors without too much attention to them

Not the strongest opening, but I'll still be watching that.

This... actually feels boring. I love the original winningverse story, but this is simply a very slight change of POV, tossing in various tropes for various ponies (colgate and teeth, aj/rarity and how "different ponies can find love", etc etc). There's no draw, no hook to actually read this. :ajbemused:

1847165

Wowza, thanks for the feedback man. No need to take it down at all, heh. I appreciate you pointing out those mistakes, hehe. :twilightsmile:

1848415

Perhaps that stems from the fact that this chapter has a bit of a bookend. Granted, I think it serves for a better introduction to the characters but as they say, different strokes.

Concerning the tropes, the AJ/Rarity scene was established in The Fabulosity of a Winningverse Fashionista and Colgate being a clean teeth freak was already shown in Chengar's album entry so I had to include those into this, otherwise I'd be ignoring continuity.

Regardless, thanks for taking the time to read!

A sweet story, though it feels only tangentially related to the greater Winningverse. Still, going to follow it, cute as it is.

couldn't finish it, too tedious.

Winningverse= insta-feature :facehoof:

1849106 You are my hero.

I like it, but it's a bit boring, on the other hand I understand that you're establishing background stuff and I can't wait to see where this goes

I fail to get what Bon Bon was going for though. Rain heart bon?

Bon Bon: Lyra, what does the scouter say about the word count?

Lyra: It's over 9,000!:trollestia:

No "and then we banged"? :raritydespair: I am disappoint.
But the story was good. I didn't find it boring at all! :twilightsmile: Keep up the good work.

best thing about this story. The fact you used snogging and moggy. Its so great to hear some local slang again.


:eeyup:

1847138 That good, huh? :rainbowlaugh:
Come on, this is the Winningverse. It's crazy from the start, and goes from there. :eeyup:

1847723 Er, as much as I like what happens, I don't know if I want to see Equestria assimilated by the Winningverse.
And if I hear someone say, "Resistance is futile", I will send Iron Will to stand in as their alarm clock. :rainbowdetermined2:

Nice addition, and it's good to see Lyra when she's not obsessed with humans. Speaking of boring... :rainbowwild:

Okay... "if only things stayed that simple"...

So let me guess: pregnancy?

Seems okay so far, but not much to it yet. Here's hoping it'll get better as the story grows.

Solid meh so far but we'll see how it goes.

Solid meh so far but we'll see how it goes.

Caught another tiny error.

We did have to go back to house to clean our teeth though

should be "to THE(or 'my' or something) house"

1850724

Two mares and pregnancy aren't really a likely combo... :rainbowderp:

The main piece of criticism I can give is that sometimes, it feels as though the description or rather, the narration drags on. Many people probably pointed it out, but the Colgate part does seem to drag on. The passage q97randomguy pointed out, for instance, you can instead perhaps replace that with a little bit of teasing from Lyra's part. "So Caramel, you managed to get Equestria's best dentist to eat chocolate?" or something like that. Best way to characterize someone is through "showing" rather than "telling". Instead of through narration, demonstrate through character interaction or action.

You also occasionally overextend a sentence with unnecessary or repetitive words. Such as:

I speedily went back home, got myself patched up and headed back out again so I wouldn’t waste time.

The point of concern is the "so I wouldn't waste time." You already said Lyra has "speedily went back home" so "I wouldn't waste time" is unnecessary because we already know she was in a rush.

Also, a few other issues.

I knew chances were high that Rarity had seen them. It was probably why all the dresses she had picked were long ones. Either she hadn’t noticed or she just didn’t ask about it.

How could she not have noticed it? Lyra just acknowledged that Rarity had probably seen them, so why list it as one of the possibilities in an "either" statement?

She did always get embarrassed whenever someone pointed out her obsession with clean teeth.

No one pointed out her obsession with clean teeth... the last thing that was said was Caramel's sales being damaged by the sweethearts. The irony of Colgate being friends with them was part of the inner monologue or narration. So unless you're telling me Colgate is psychic, this part needs revision.

I think the reason she got around so much was because she was trying to fill a void in her life

Hm... a little overperceptive I find. Lyra barely interacted with Cloud Kicker save that one time before she met Bon Bon, nor were they really close friends as far as I can tell, so I doubt that Lyra would be able to guess this reason.

Finally, the pacing felt a bit... off. Some parts felt a little too long while others a little rushed. This is probably where you're getting the complaints of "boring" from. You're dragging your feet in the desert, but rushing through the meadows.

So things put short, this was a nice start, though there were a few issues here and there. However, don't give up, this has got potential and it would be a shame to see it go. I do look forward to the "if only things stayed that simple" part.

You are an amazing writer. Can't wait for the next chapter!

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uCGtDlC5lK4/URb4NeZuIOI/AAAAAAAAcg4/W84gB9H4U-o/s1600/KuJqyaK.jpg

Lyra being Irish is canon according to the above. Next chapter must have some reference to her speaking in a brogue.

Nice read, and hopefully a great addition to the growing Winningverse. One thing that I like is this isn't a human obsessed Lyra story. After seeing it played for laughs or being put into an epic adventure this was a breath of fresh air. Very slice of life compared to the Winningverse's continuity, but that's a good thing. My only gripe could be that the ending felt so final. I'm eager to see what else you come up with. Until then, take a like/fave/follow and keep this going. 10/10.

Commence read.

Looks like Lyra has her work cut out for her.

Note: challenging Berry Punch to a drinking contest can only end in misery. Do not attempt.

Also, what are you doing in the comments section this early? Go back up and read.

Poor Lyra. Actually having to work for a living...

Solid chapter once again. And it looks like reality is starting to come down on Lyra's head. Time to see how she manages it.

These days, there was actually a benefit to our get togethers. My relationship with Bon Bon had gotten to the point where we needed to use protection when we banged, otherwise one of us could’ve ended up pregnant by the way of the magic of love. I didn’t want to be careless, yet at the same time it reduced the fun a little. With Cloud Kicker around though, we didn’t have to worry about unexpected surprises.

Cloud Kicker is best birth control! :twilightsheepish:

How'd I not watch this already? *fixes this*

One thing thats bugging me: does the whole "homosexual reproduction via the magic of love" work with Stallion couples as well?

Or is the magic of love sexist? :pinkiecrazy:

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