Sorry for the delay everyone. It promise that it won't happen again.... not in the near future at least
You let out a sigh as he speaks to you. You've spoken to him plenty of times sure, and you've never had any real problems with him up until this point, but the sound if his voice it just.... just..... You can't really describe it. It just irritates you.
"Please, rise," you say to him, ignoring the awful pun that you just made with his name. He seems to ignore it too as he stands back up and looks straight at you.
Find out every possible inch of this incident. Have testimonies of somepony who was a part of the riot or someone who also knew what's going on as well. If there are contradictions, pry the truth out of him! Summon somepony whose preferably a neutral voice, and one who knew all the details.
Ask "Why?"
Ok, before you ask your questions, calm yourself. And don't tell me you're calm; I saw that barely contained rage inside your mind. Breathe in, breathe out.
Celestia don't destroy him right off the bat you have to remain calm and collect about this first ask him about the events that took place down in Ponyville while he was down there. Then ask him why he shot Derpy Hooves in the head which then lead to a mass riot in Ponyville. If anything that really isn't keeping the peace in politics. And finally the most important question you should ask him is why he didn't run this by you and the senate first. Sure he may have killed a traitor, but the situation got out of hand pretty fucking fast and more ponies got hurt in the process if anything he should be impeached from the senate for his actions.
Celestia, he is so obviously evil because of this most recent act that he should be removed from office, locked up, banished, assassinated, turned insane and then hung drawn and quartered. But you are a fair ruler. You extend a precise 30cm and always give a straight line. As such, you will listen to his side, calmly explain his mistake, then crush him into atoms and spread him like jam upon the universe.
Actually, that's stupid for contextual reasons... Celestia asks Risen Flagg a question.
With that, you close your eyes for a moment, and then breathe in.... and out..... and then in.... and out one last time as you try your best to remain calm. Granted the key word in that sentence is "trying". Every particle of you wants to incinerate him for what he did, but you are better than he is, you know that. You've been ruler of this nation for well over 1000 years. You've had experience, good and bad, and that experience has taught you more than anything, not to sink to his level.
"I assume you know why you are here?" You say to him before anything else.
"Yes," he responds. "I believe that I do." By You, you hated his voice.
At that, you take in one more deep breath. If you're going to do this, best to get it over with now.
"Very well," you say to him. "Then my first question must be, why did you publicly execute Derpy Hooves?"
“Why my dear Princess," he begins, "of course the mare was the one guilty of all the charges, and more specifically of the destruction of a very expensive research facility, one that was paid for out of the kindness of the tax paying citizens of Equestria that elected myself to office.”
Question the legitimacy of the execution. Was the evidence even legit? What's up with the riot? Those guards who were a part of it weren't real guards either.
Most of all, what is Risen's motive? What was his deal with him and the government?
Amongst other things, this'll probably come up, so you might wanna ask "Were you truly certain that mare was her?" when the picture will be brought up. I'm pretty sure you're aware of Changelings, at least.
Other than that, I got nothing. Just stay calm
Point is, ask him out about everything that is related to Derpy's death.
How do you know she was the one who did the crime?
“Are you absolutely certain of this?” You ask him. Of course you don't show it, but you really would love to know just how in tartarus he explains this.
“Yes," he says to you. "We had the recording of her voice compared and tested against previous voice samples gathered by the CIA during some of their.... Less than positive monitoring activities during Ponyville’s, shall we say, colorful history. Granted, I know that you are thinking through several scenarios in which I was wrong, I mean after all, I am but a single lowly politician with dreams of a truly safe and secure Equestria with nothing else on the mind. You, on the other hoof are a princess, no, the princess of Equestria. Your gaze knows no bounds and your knowledge of the known world is unparalleled.” By You, you really hate it when he talks like that, and he often does.
“Flattery does not work on me, Risen Flag," you say to him.
“And then you shall have none," he responds "For I have none to offer but words of the truth, dearest princess of the risen sun. The world as you know it faces a calamity brought about by enemies that lie within your very borders.”
“Which is the point I was trying to reach," you say to him, now with more authority. "Are you absolutely certain that it wasn't perhaps was a changeling in the guise of Miss Hooves and not Miss Hooves herself?”
“Certainly,” is the only word he says to you.
“Then why did you execute her!?" you ask him, using practically all of your willpower not to use the royal Canterlot voice. "Capital punishment is stricken from Equestrian Law for a reason, because it is too severe a punishment to fit any crime, even treason.”
“Celestia," he says, as if to calm you down. "You fail to see the very corruption that lies beneath your hooves, that lies beneath your eyes, even though they are all seeing. Conspirators are trying to destroy this world, this society, the very fabric of the culture you have carefully constructed to ensure the safety of all lives. The changelings have infiltrated society.”
Question the legitimacy of the execution. Was the evidence even legit? What's up with the riot? Those guards who were a part of it weren't real guards either.
“Then why was Miss Hooves not tested?” you ask him. Since their last attack on Canterlot, you figured that they might return, and thus, preparations were of course made.
Well... Celestia, you are clearly not incompetent. More than 1000 years of rule attests to that. ROLL DIPLOMACY AND SENSE MOTIVE!!! Also, what sort of creature could forge surveillance footage? Possibly a certain species with a proclivity for changing? Remember to keep all of this close to the chest, so to speak. That Risen Flagg has gotten where he is and violated the law so casually speaks volumes about what his so-called "evidence" must be. Also, a bit of a TRUTH spell may be in order if things get out of hand. Specifically look for anything that registers as too true. Flagg may have something up his sleeve.
If he shows Video or other "Evidence" of Derpy's involvement, ask him if he's ever heard of friggen Changelings before. The dumbass. Review the footage and see if her eyes flash like changelings do. If not, still tell him he couldn't have known for sure.
Tell him that whether he feels justified or not, he still publicly executed someone without sanction, and that that is grounds for his status as Senator being Terminated and being put on trial himself.
This is your country Damnit, not his.
“Because she was brainwashed and hypnotized to work for them!” he practically shouts back at you. This..... you were not prepared for.
“What?” is all you can say.
“Recently, it has come to my attention that certain members of society have disappeared and then reappeared acting strange and somehow completely out of normal character, or at least the information that I have gleamed from CIA reports," he begins explaining to you. "The strangeness of such culminating when I brought my concerns to the CIA’s lead investigators, only for them to turn me down and refuse to investigate my claims. As such, I cultivated my guards, those that acted in character according to all records of course, and tasked them with the performance of my own private investigation of which the findings are truly disturbing.”
At that, the moment he was finished with that explanation, almost like he practiced it, Risen Flag suddenly produced a folder from a satchel he was carrying with him. Slowly, you take it from him with your magic, and opened it up. Inside, the folder was filled with various images of new machines and more specifically, of changelings working on said machines with pencil sketch schematic drawings.
“What is this?" you have to ask him.
“The changelings know that we can identify them by their eyes and the green blood so their queen has devised a new method by which to mimic ponies: hypnosis," he begins as you turn to an image of a pony being fitted with the head harness and the activation of the machine. "These ponies are captured, and then brainwashed into a suggestive state wherein the commands are imprinted before the ponies are put to sleep. They wake up hours later and go about their daily lives as if nothing happened, but there are after effects that do arise, though those vary from pony to pony.”
“How are you certain of this?” you ask him. You.... you cannot believe what you are seeing. This can't be true.
“We tried it on a guard pony," he tells you.
“What?” You say as you almost drop the folder.
“We reconstructed the machine and tried it on an ordinary guard, of which you will find the research notes on the next page,” he explains, at which point you notice a series of paperclip bound pages. “We suggested that when we whistled he would break out into a song and dance routine of Little Teapot, which he did once we whistled the following day.”
“But that still doesn’t explain the outright killing of Derpy Hooves!" You shout at him as you practically throw the folder back at him, which he catches with his magic. "Even if all of this is true, as you claim it is, her execution is still unanswered for.”
“One of my private guards found a series of commands with ponies names next to it and managed to take a photograph of it before he escaped.” At that, Risen Flagg opened the file back up and floated a certain page to you. Slowly, you look down to see a photo of hoof written notes, which, of course, had Derpy Hooves' name on it. However, more horrifying than that, next to it, on the right of it next to her name, ‘Command a team to infiltrate the research and manufacturing center, await further instructions from team members.’ Next to that however, much to your shock and horror, was the command ‘Kill Princess Celestia.’ “Are there any more questions, Princess?”
“No," you say to him as you slowly look away from his and bring a hoof to your face. It just.... it couldn't be true. "No I just have to digest all of this."
"I understand, your majesty," he says to you as he puts the folder back in the satchel. It takes you a moment, but you do manage to regain your composure.
First inquire what kind if acts he accused derpy of. Then ask him about the riot. Then find out how he wants to mend the damage he did. THEN INCINERATE THE FLYING FUCK OUT OF HIM CAUSE YOU ARE CELESTIA, GODDESS OF THE SUN AND.... I watched too much Ponies reanact Yu-Gi-Oh (awesome vid. Go check it out if you haven't yet).
What made you think this was a good idea?
"But what about the riot?” you have to ask him. "How-"
“Started by that human, Mister Jason Morgan after he witnessed the death of Miss Hooves," he says to you before you could even finish. "Regrettable, but unavoidable in order to save the beloved life of your majesty. He just didn't understand that sometimes in order to prevent a greater tragedy, a little tragedy must be committed, though if I could do it over, I would like to rethink my actions.”
"As you should," you say to him, though.... as much as you want too.... you can't think of anything else to say to him. You.... you just-
"Will that be all, princess?" he asks you, as if waiting for something.
"What-," you say, somewhat distracted by all of this new information. "Um, yes, that will be all for now. You may return to your office."
"Thank you, your majesty," he says as he unceremoniously turns around and starts walking out of the throne room. You..... you don't want to believe him, you really don't, in fact your better judgment is telling you to incinerate him right now, but... There have been a lot of ponies that have suggested that you use truth detection spells on ponies when you, or others, interrogate them like this, but you've always been against it for varying reasons, mostly because it does rob them of their free will somewhat, and you don't want to make your subjects afraid of you.
But the truth is... with this.... you cast that spell on Risen the moment he walked in the room. Thankfully he didn't seem to notice it, or even if he did, he pretended not to notice, but you know what you did. You cast the truth spell on him. You've tried it on countless others, others whose willpower was stronger than you could have believed, and it's worked on them, so.... so there is no reason it wouldn't work on Risen Flagg.
It's just.... It's just.... you need a moment.
-A short amount of time later-
PERSPECTIVE SHIFT:
Clustershine
You are Clustershine, a thestral (more commonly known to others as a batpony) formerly of Princess Luna's royal guard, and second in command of the Canterlot Intelligence Agency, otherwise known as the CIA.
With everything that's been happening lately, you haven't been able to catch anything remotely resembling a break in the past week, and the incident in Ponyville was the straw that broke the camel's back. Word of it had already reached Canterlot, and you couldn't even begin to predict how long it would take before the rest of Equestria heard about it. Now, like any pony would act in a situation like this, the ponies of Equestria are worried, they want answers, and you, in your position, are the one who has to help give it to them.
This task has been...... well, extremely difficult would be an understatement, but you couldn't think of a better way to describe how hard it's been for you. You're too tired. Tartarus, you can't even remember the last time you slept right now.
The incident in Ponyville was one thing, but the AIA, he had to claim that they were somehow involved too. This fact, among other things, was what was making this more difficult for you. The more you thought about it, the more you couldn't help but think of Grey Rebl, your former partner. The two of you were closer than brothers during your time together as agents, but that was years ago. The last time you saw him was.... he had just attained his position as head of the AIA. Even right now you still wore the necklace he gave you. He wears a matching one. If the rumors of the AIA's involvement is true, then...... You didn't even want to think about any of this right now, it was only making your head hurt.
Even right now as you walked through the hallways of Celestia's royal palace on your way to the office of the one pony you knew who could give you answers right now, it was all just too much for you right now. You don't even think as your body just goes through the motions as it's supposed to right now, just like a robot.
Without even thinking, you raise a hoof and knock on the door as you reach the office of the one you came to see.
"Come on," a rather droll voice says from the other side. You unceremoniously push open the door and walk in the moment those words hit your ears. You don't look, but you hear the door close behind you as you walk in.
There is only one other pony in the room that you can see. Currently he's looking away from you out his window at the city of Canterlot.
"You wanted to see me?" you say to him to make your presence known.
"Clustershine," Risen Flagg says as he turns around to face you. "Yes, in fact I did."
What do you do?
-Side Story-
(Quick Author's note: I thought it was kind of implied last time, but apparently some of you didn't really get the message. So I'm just going to tell you right here... right now. You all can start writing for the side story again. I'm allowing it.)
-Appaloosa-
Sidestory
~~~~~The secretary knocked on the Director's office door.
GreyRebl: Come in.
There, the secretary saw him staring intently into his computer. He sipped on a cup of coffee, absent mindly giving her a mere glance, but only to stare back at the computer screen. In her telekinesis was a file of measureable importance.
Secretary: I see you've already moved the computer back. I take it something interesting had come to light?
GR: Yes. Actually, there were more questions. As of right now, one of the hackers have given me a typed report. The ship had been attacked apparently, and the crew members have suffered casualites during the time we were disconnected. Swimming Dalek is recovering from his insanity that resulted in the confrontation. The Ensign's captain and his medical and biological experts had returned from a recon in Ponyville, of which we weren't properly informed of. They accidently arrived with an Equestrian, a zebra no less!The Director frowned at the last bit, and so did the Secretary, but a moment later he grinned.
GR: I'm willing to be that he met one of our agents. Their sunglasses were made to detect almost anything, they are bound to see them as suspicious. I hope to inform them both of each other's presence. Nana is aiding medical staff on healing him and BRP.
S: Almost exactly what I was briefed with the workers. The lab ponies are working on the clock to make up lost time and are trying to discuss with the aliens about ways to prevent this from happening again. The Daleks and Hackers were... eccentric with their ideas. So were our workers.
GR: Oh, and the Bomb?
S: The team is finishing up investigation. It'll be confiscated or be ready for use, depending on how the Head Research likes your idea. Anyways, sir, about why I'm here...Grey Rebl finally looked away from the screen.
GR: Yes, what is it?
She laid the files on his desk. Curious, Grey Rebl pulled out the papers from inside.
S: There were reports of strange activity among the populous up in the surface in Appoloosa. Even the tribal buffalo had noticed. Ponies testified that the townsfolks were acting... out of nature. There were also contradictions in their habitul patterns. Family members are getting worried. One of our agents had a good eye on several of the other details.
GR: Does the pony happen to go by the name "Sunglasses"?
S: One of your eccentric students? Yes. The surface agents are waiting for your decision.
GR: Hmm... Funny, I have just received news that may or may not be related to this.
S: From whom?
GR: Agents and Operatives Braeburn and Little Strongheart via P-Mail. Their report is sent to my computer.
S: Ah, yes, their mission. How did it go?
GR: Failure, this "Doctor" didn't exist.She frowned.
S: Oh. That's too bad...
GR: That's not it, though. Apparently, Risen Flagg had made a public execution.
If Grey noticed the secretary's bewildered face, he ignored it.
GR: Not only that, but the accused was said to be the one who helped send that huge bomb from Los Pegasus. There happened to be evidence of it. Going by the name Ditzy Doo, or Derpy Hooves, she was simple mail mare, and it was likely that she wasn't the one who did it, given the personal accounts from third parties. She was killed on the spot by the Senator himself with a firearm with no trial whatsoever. He accused the AIA of going against Equestria. The CIA is probably gonna have a headache over this incident. A riot ensued, and the royal guards who were present did little to stop it, rather, they added to it, maliciously. It was confirmed that "sickly green glow was present around them"... And what a coincidence, we have reports of "strange behaviour" on our end.
The two locked eyes, their minds clicked in place when they connected the dots. With the symptoms present, they made a conclusion:
S: Changlings... Here? With Risen Flagg involved even... But what could this mean?
GR: More than likely, they've already infiltrated Appoloosa, maybe trying to find our base... Risen planned this. With the way it was all prepared and organized, I'd say the changlings and him are under an alliance. That bomb that was sent to us? The changlings in the surface are trying to create evidence of us having the bomb! It's practical proof that we ARE the bad guys! Perhaps he had BEEN doing this with other agencies...It was then the two figured it out. Politcally, Risen may be trying to take control of the Equestrian government. The power that could be in his hooves... Publicly, and Nationally... In stunned silence, the two took the time to gather up their resolve. It was time to plan.
S: This is a mess... Insane... We need to get rid of that bomb.
GR: ...In an unrelated note, there's more news to be said on here.
S: What?!
GR: Applejack, the Element of Honesty, have found Braeburn out...
S: One of the famed Apple Clan. And Their daughter no less...
GR: It was time that she learned the truth of the Apples and her parents anyways. After all, we are in a national crisis. She may be an asset, and could help turn this in our favor. Not mention that other human, who was now hospitalized.
S: ...What should we do, sir?
Grey took out a piece of paper and a quill with ink, he scribbled upon on it and hoofed it over to his secretary. With a brief read on the note, her eyes widened, jaw dropping.
GR: Send this to the CIA.
S: S-sir, is this?
GR: Yes, it is. After the sudden shut downs of other agencies, there's only the AIA and the CIA. WE are what's left! There's no pony else to do this, but us and our allies up in the skies! We are going to make a full scale operation in PONYVILLE, and we are going use what we have made here in this facillity to get it done! Tell the staff and operatives to make a "surprise" for our fellow invading insects.He grins widely.
GR: They're not the only expert infiltrators in this world. And it ain't big enough for the both of us. I'm very sure that they think the same. Otherwise, I'm making us combustible lemons.
*Grey Rebl's secretary enters his office to see that some of the lab ponies have hooked up a computer to his desk so that he doesn't have to move to the communications room to talk to the aliens. By our standards it's ancient as far as technology goes, but for them, it's a brand spanking new thing. Anyway, that's not important, Grey Rebl was staring absent mindedly at the screen and only gave his secretary a meek glance as she walked in. In her telekinesis was a file.*
Secretary: I take it something interesting had come to light?
Grey Rebl: Yes, though a lot of it only raises more questions than I'd like. As of right now, one of the hackers has given me a typed report of what happened up there. The ship had been attacked apparently, and some of the crew members have suffered casualties during the time we were disconnected, including, Swimming Dalek and BRP, both of whom are presently recovering. Not only that, but The Enterprise's captain and his medical and biological experts have just returned from a recon in Ponyville, of which we weren't properly informed of. Apparently when they were pulled back they accidentally took an Equestrian with them, a zebra no less. Nana is aiding medical staff on their recovery.
*Grey Rebl paused for a moment at that as he had to explain that to her.*
GR: I'm hoping bet that they at least met with one of our agents. Their sunglasses were made to detect almost anything, they're bound to see them as suspicious.
S: Yes, I was briefed on that with the workers. The lab ponies are working double time to make up for lost time and are trying to discuss with the aliens ways to prevent this sort of thing from happening again. Registered Anonymous' hackers were... eccentric with their ideas. So were our workers.
GR: What about the bomb?
S: The team is finishing up investigation. It'll either be confiscated or be ready for use, depending on how the Head Research likes your idea. Anyways, sir, about why I'm here...
*At that, Grey Rebl finally looked away from the screen.*
GR: Yes, what is it?
*At that, his secretary laid the files on his desk. Curious, Grey Rebl pulled out the papers from inside.*
S: There've been some reports of strange activity among the populous on the surface in Appoloosa. Even some of the tribal buffalo have noticed a few things. Ponies testified that the some of the townsfolk were acting... out of nature. There were also contradictions in their habitul patterns. Family members are getting worried. One of our agents had a good eye on several of the other details.
GR: Did the agent happen to go by the name "Sunglasses"?
S: One of your eccentric students? Yes, the-
*Suddenly, from the door to the office, one of the other AIA workers, a common errand colt, ran right into the office without knocking first, he seemed... out of breath.*
Errand Colt: SIR!
GR: What is it?
EC: This just arrived from Canterlot.
*At that, the errand colt suddenly dropped what looked like a rather large report on the director's desk. Grey Rebl and his secretary looked at it for a moment before they both turned their attention to the errand colt who brought it in. While he was out of breath, that wasn't the only thing they saw, but they couldn't place it. Grey Rebl then looked back at the report. While his instinct fully warned him that something was up and that he shouldn't open it, against his better judgement, he opened it and proceeded to read. Over the course of a few minutes, as he read the file, his eyes progressively got wider and all the color seemed to drain from his face.*
S: Sir...
*Grey Rebl didn't even give her a chance to say anything else as he closed the file and looked back at the errand colt.*
GR: When did this happen?
EC: Y.... Yesterday sir.
S: Sir, what's going on.
*Grey Rebl had to take a moment before he could say anything.*
GR: Risen Flagg.....
S: Yes, sir, what about him?
GR: He... He made a public execution.
*If Grey even noticed the bewildered look on the secretary's face, he ignored it.
GR: He claimed that the accused was the one who helped send us that huge bomb from Los Pegasus. One Derpy Hooves, a was simple mail mare, despite personal accounts from third parties, including her husband, he had evidence against her and.... She was killed on the spot by the Senator himself with a firearm with no trial whatsoever.
*At that, the secretary's eyes seemingly went as wide as his.*
GR: That's not all... He claimed that she was working with us. That she deliberately sent us that bomb.
S: Why?
GR: According to him..... because we're trying to overthrow Equestria.
S: WHAT!?
GR: I don't want to believe it either, but it's all there. This report wasn't written by anyone associate with him, at least as far as I know, so for now we have to believe that there is a possibility that it might be true.
*There was silence between everypony there for a few moments.
GR: It gets worse. After he executed Derpy, a riot ensued, and the royal guards who were present did little to stop it, rather, they added to it, mali-
*Suddenly, a spark went off in the director's eyes, both the secretary and the errand colt saw it. They watched him for a moment as he seemed to connect a bunch of dots in his head.*
GR: Your report!
S: What!?
GR: Your report, the one you just gave me!
S: It's still on your-
*Grey Rebl didn't even wait for her to finish before he pushed the report on what happened in Ponyville aside and pulled out the file his secretary had just given him again. He read it for only a few moments before a look of horror struck his face.*
GR: No...
S: Sir...
*Without even letting her say anything else, Grey Rebl took out a piece of paper and a quill with ink, he scribbled upon on it for only a few seconds before he quickly hoofed it over to the errand colt.*
GR: Send this to the CIA!
EC: Sir...
GR: NOW!
EC: Right!
*At that, the errand colt took the note from Grey Rebl and ran out of the room as quickly as he had came in.*
GR: You!
S: Yes!
GR: Get agents on the surface. I want eyes on the ponies in this report. Tell them not to let any of them out of their sight, I don't even want them to sneeze without us knowing it!
S: Um, yes sir, but why?
*The director had to take a moment and take in a deep breath before he could say the next few words.*
GR: I fear we may have changelings in Appaloosa.
-The Enterprise-
R.A.: *busts out of the medical room he was in making bootleg medicine* BRP are you all right!? *punches the medical redshirt out of the way* Don't worry i got just the thing for ya! *pulls out a syringe filled with an explainable mixture of medical ingredients* This'll get ya back on your feet in no time, I learned how to make this from some science dude who made adrenaline shots. I think he was from a group called CEDA or something... *pauses to think about that time*
*Registered Anonymous keeps raiding through some random... storage... place, looking for chemicals and other things he can use to help heal BRP. He keeps taking things off the shelf, he looks as if he can't really carry anymore, but he still keeps grabbing stuff.*
Random Red Shirt: What do you think you're doing?
Registered Anonymous: GETTING THINGS TO HELP BRP WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE!?
RS: You do know that that's the broom closet right?
*Registered Anonymous pauses for a moment to look at the red shirt, and then back at where he was raiding. After only a few minutes of looking, he sees that it is, in fact, a broom closet, and that the things he had been grabbing were, in fact, cleaning supplies. One of which was even labeled "Pure Sodium Borate".*
RA: So it is..........
*Registered Anonymous looks back at the redshirt for a moment. Then, suddenly, he punches the red shirt in the face, knocking him out cold before he starts putting back everything he just pulled out.*
-The Enterprise: Med Bay-
*BRP (sans his armor), Gordon Freebrony, and Zecora are all sleeping on three individual med stations while Dr. McCoy and Nurse Ratchet look after the three of them. Bronze Statue is sitting in the corner half asleep, waiting for something to happen. Next to where he is sitting, in a nice little pile, is BRP's armor.*
-Somewhere on The Caesar-
*Swimming Dalek, who is still bolted to the wall of a specialized cell, has gotten unusually quiet.*
In the innermost recesses of Swimming Dalek's mind:
The following characters have returned to the command of SwimmingDalek98:
Swimming Dalek
Game of Twits
The Brown Dog sits in a motel room he holds a Supernatural poster with three signatures on it.
Cortana: Well that could have gone better.
BD: You kidding me? That was awesome!
Cortana: They tried to kill you!
BD: As if they could, but it’s the thought that counts.
Cortana: What?
BD: Sam and Dean Winchester tried to hunt me…I feel so honored (The Brown Dog smiles with a tear coming out of his eye)
Cortana: Because you teleported into their room you idiot!
BD: Ah yes, I remember it like it was yesterday
Cortana: It was 10 minutes ago!10 Minutes Ago, or Maybe Yesterday? Who knows.
Sam and Dean Winchester are doing research on a string of murders in the town caused by a trickster. Then the Brown Dog teleports into the center of the motel room startling them.BD: Hey Guys!
Dean: What the hell?! (Both he and Sam raise their pistols and aim them at the Brown Dog) A talking dog?
Sam: With sunglasses?
BD: Oh man I can’t believe it’s actually you! Big Fan! Big Fan! (Fangasms on the inside)
Sam: What are you!
BD: Excited!
He teleports in front of the Brothers with a very excited smile on his face, to them though it looks like he’s bearing his teethBD: Can I get your…
Sam and Dean both start shooting the Brown Dog since it looked like he was going to attack them. The bullets hit but don’t do anything. After they stop firing he finishes his sentence
BD: …Autograph? (Summons a Supernatural Poster with Sam and Dean and Castiel on it into his paw)
Dean: Autograph?
BD: Ya you guys are awesome! I got a lot of your memorabilia.
The Brown Dog Snaps his fingers….Somehow and a shit ton of Supernatural merchandise appears in the room.
Sam and Dean see this massive summons and jump to a logical solution.
Sam/Dean: Trickster!
Sam tackles the Brown Dog to the ground and starts punching him while Dean grabs a stake dipped in the blood of a recent trickster victim. Being punched though doesn’t hurt the Brown Dog as he kind of just takes it.BD: Hey Sammy this is fun and all but I’m not actually a trickster
Dean: Bullshit! (Shoves stake into Brown Dog’s heart, which again, does nothing)
BD: See, told you.
Sam and Dean panic a bit and get up off the Brown Dog.
Dean: With the glasses, maybe it’s a demon!
They throw holy water at him, but nothing happens.BD: Ha, just like the show, now do you want to check and see if I’m a Leviathan?
Sam: A what?
BD: (Eyes widen) Oh wait, unless this is before Season 7? Then forget I said anything.
Both Brothers are confused as all hell.
BD: Soooo….autographs? (Holds up poster again)
Dean: No, first you tell us what the hell you are poochie
Sam: Ya, if you’re not a trickster or demon then what? The only other thing that can do what you do is...
Castiel appears in the room behind the Brown Dog.
Castiel: An Angel?
The Brown Dog whips around in excitementCastiel: He is no angel, I can tell you that much
BD: Cas! Oh Hell Ya, I Friggen love you man! You are just the best! (The Brown Dog spasms and wags his tail and jumps around like Pinkie Pie as he says this)
Castiel: That…is nice…I suppose.
Dean: Cas, what the hell is this thing?
Castiel: This is The Brown Dog
Dean: Yeah, no shit it’s a brown dog
Castiel: No, not A brown dog, THE Brown Dog
BD: OMG you know who I am (Squee)
Sam: Okay… what the hell is THE brown dog then?
Castiel: He is a cross dimensional traveler, one who can move throughout the different universes with ease. And he carries great power, as do all the travelers like him.
BD: Ain’t no one quite like me Misha (Smiles)
Dean: Okay, so what do we do about it?
Castiel: I would recommend doing as he says.
Sam: What, really?
Castiel: Travelers have the power to reshape entire universes, and The Brown Dog is said to be unpredictable and insane.
Cortana: You got that right
BD: Shut up blue Bitch!
(The Winchesters and Castiel look at his sudden outburst)
BD: Sorry, talking to the blue lady in my glasses. Please continue.
Castiel: …As you can see, it wouldn’t be wise to upset it.
Sam:…So…you want us to sign your poster?
BD: Eyup, and make it out to your biggest fan ever.
Sam picks up the poster and signs it with his pen then hands it DeanDean: This is so stupid. We have friggen insane gods as fans?
BD: Oh Dean, Sanity is over rated.
Dean: Whatever
Castiel then signs the poster by just waving his hand over it. The Brown Dog then shakes hands with everyone there because he wants to, and then takes a group photo since they don’t have a choice.
BD: Thanks guys, and now none of you will remember I was here. Until next time that is, Bye!
Dean: What?
The Brown Dog teleports out and the two humans and the angel look around confused
Sam: Ummm….
Dean: Cas?
Castiel: Yes?
Dean: What were we just talking about?
Castiel: I don’t knowPresent time, or as present as one can get when Dimension hopping.
Cortana: And why did you mind wipe them?
BD: They got a lot on their minds right now, might as well keep them thinking in canon, for the time being that is. Besides, I got what I came for…(Holds up poster and just admires it)
Cortana: Well while you were gushing over your three man crushes, I’ve been doing work
BD: Oh, got any news on our next trollific journey? (asks excitedly)
Cortana: No, but you’ve made the news in one of the cross universes
BD: What?
Cortana displays the news report about Solid Snake knowing who he was.Cortana: Well, there you have it, your dumbassery has made you wanted again.
BD: pfft…pfffttt…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Cortana: and what’s so damned funny about this?
BD: HA HA HA… They think…HA HA you’re the one in charge. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Cortana: Damnit this is serious!
BD: I know, you better get a good lawyer
Cortana: Brown Dog!
BD: heh heh heh…OK, sorry but that was just too rich. Besides, I only burnt down most of the things they claimed. And some of them were justified
Cortana: The two schools?
BD: The Equestria Girls school and the one from Saved By the Bell
Cortana: The apartment complexes?
BD: Crack heads, Alien Gorillas, and Mardi Gras
Cortana: and the statue of Cecil Baldwin?
BD: That was not me, someone is framing me on that one.
Cortana: Seriously?
BD: Ya, I love that guy, he’s hilarious, why would I burn down his stuff?
Cortana: Well whoever it is, they may not stop with the statue, and do you really want Night Vale angry at you?
BD: Not especially, I love my shack by the bluffs.
Cortana: So…plan?
BD: Yes, but I’ll need some investigative types to help with clues.
Cortana: And what about Snake?
BD: What about him?
Cortana: What if he gives anything away?
BD: Like what? All I ever did was talk videogames and buy the guy In and Out Burger once in awhile, that’s it. You were there you know how he was a Castlevania nut. He thought I was a hallucination half the time too, but maybe that was because of the drugs. Oh and drugs, I gave him lots of drugs.
Cortana: Why?
BD: Because I accidentally ruined his career, and drugs food and games seemed like a suitable apology.
Cortana: How did you ruin him?
BD: I told him to invest in Blockbuster a few years back.
Teleports into the Multiverse.
Roseluck, when you get a chance please be a dear and contact me at the office, we have somethings to discuss. Additionally, please make sure to .....
Connection lost....Meanwhile in New York City, 1989:
DXIV: I’m telling you, Integra, the food here is to die for.
Integra: If you say so. (looks skeptically at the large crowd swarming around the front entrance and inside of the foyer of the restaurant) I don’t think we’ll get a table here.
???: You would damned lucky if you can. (The couple turns to see a man in his mid-twenties standing next to a hardbody blonde waiting anxiously and vapidly looking around at the crowd).
Integra: Patrick Bateman, wasn’t expecting to see you until…
PB: Tomorrow at his (points to Daedaltheus) tribunal, I know. Therefore, you think that you can get a reservation here, please. I have been trying for months just to get a single seat at the bar.
DXIV: (smiles and turns to the host standing behind the counter) Hi, reservation for two.
Host: Name please.
DXIV: Daedaltheus Atriedes, party of two.
Host: (looks down the list) Ah, yes, reservation for two at nine, right this way, sir.
PB: YOU LOATHSOME SON OF A BITCH! HOW THE FUCK DID, YOU MANAGE TO…
DXIV: They always have a table for me at Dorsia. Ciao, Bateman.
PB: You’re a real asshole, you know that!
Integra: At least he’s not a serial killer.
PB: (looks nervous) Listen babe, I’ve got to go return some video tapes.
Daedaltheus and Integra sit down at the table, menus placed in front of them, Daedaltheus slipping the waitress what looks to be three hundred dollars and asks for drinks.
Integra: Managed to find your saboteur, yet?
DXIV: Not quite. The LeBouf lead proved to be a bust, and the footage was tampered with severely.
Integra: I see, so what does that mean for your investigation.
DXIV: I have top women working on it. (smiles but quickly draws to a frown as he gazes upon his lady friend) But they are not more top than you, my sweet darling of the night.
- Elsewhere just outside of a gas station –
Rip: (walking back to the car) So, I ask ze attendant if he know anything about ze man in ze box.
Asuka: And…
Rip: Says that his name is Solid Snake und he comes by ze area sometimes asking for money and ranting on about ze dog.
Asuka: And…
Rip: He says, go three blocks down und six blocks over by ze old GameStop.
- Five Minutes Later –
Asuka and Rip walk down an alleyway littered with various boxes and trash, as well as posters hanging about the brick clad walls of the neighboring buildings. On one poster is the Omni International Corporation logo, a single hand composed of dozens of smaller hands holding aloft the world, and others wanted posters for enemies of the state. The pair walked past the faces various characters, ranging from memorable to forgettable declared enemies during the Salvation. The two stopped when they came across a set of boxes, one with a reddish black robot with a specifically golden disc shaped head, shaking and jittering on about presumably nothing important. The other contained an aged old man in black and gray combat gear, though considerably faded with time.
Asuka: Huh, Snake and Alpha the fucking robot of Zordon in one nice package, this day just gets easier by the second.
Alpha: What do y…y…you mean by…by…that?
Rip: (BANG) Alpha, wanted on the crimes of annoyance and shear all around incompetence as well as contributing to rebel UN forces during the Salvation by appearing from your respective dimension. Crime according to the Ordinance of 1994, death.
Snake: (jumping out and making the alert noise) What the hell are you doing here! And where are my Cheetos?
Rip: Vat the hell?
Snake: Wait, you ain’t that dog.
Asuka: Jackpot (draws her pistol) so you are the one associated with the Brown Dog.
Snake: He brings me snacks!
Asuka: All the same, old man. Tell us where he is or at the very least where his base of operations is and we will let you go.
Snake: (leaps forward snatching the gun from Asuka and immediately turns on them) Ah no. I ain’t saying nothing to government spooks, haven’t since they let me go.
Rip: Vait, ve just vant some simple information, nothing more, nothing less, soldier.
Snake: And you, you seem all too familiar, even to this tired old dog.
Asuka: Rip, we have to do something or he’ll shoot us.
Snake: Yeah, you’re looking really familiar now, Rip Van Winkle.
Rip: I have an idea. Vozmozhno, vy pomnite , chto missiya yeshche v shestidesyatyye gody , tot, gde umer Bol'shoy Boss , pravil'nyy . (Perhaps you remember, that mission back in the sixties, the one where Big Boss died, right.)
Snake: Wait…
Rip: YA nazhal na kurok. YA vzyal yeye na prikazu moyego bossa , chtoby motivirovat' vas. (I pulled the trigger. I took her down on my boss's orders in order to motivate you.)
Snake: NO! (pulls the trigger as Asuka pulls out a knife and stabs Snake in the shoulder) AGH!
Asuka: (twisting the knife) Talk, now!
Snake: You killed Big Boss! You killed her!
Rip: She was a goddamned traitor and you know it.
Snake: She, she….
Rip: She betrayed you und if I hadn’t killed her, she would have killed you and the world would have devolved into a nuclear war.
Asuka: Now talk.
- Five minutes and some crying later –
Snake: He’s got no real base, just hops from here to there, always with that same woman.
Asuka: I see, so how can we track him?
Snake: Follow the path of crazy that should get you closer to him. Oh yeah, he does like to hang out around the In and Out Burger. He’s also got that AI thing that’s hardwired into his sunglasses so you might be able to track that using a unique tracking software that pings his unique AI signature using the satellites around any given planet.
Rip: (taking notes) Anything else?
Snake: He likes that TV show Supernatural.
Rip: Thank you for all of your help, Snake und sorry about your robot friend, he was a wanted criminal.
Snake: No worries, he was just kind of there.
The pair walk to the end of the alleyway but Rip stops just short, looking back at Snake, she unslings her rifle.
Rip: Tinker, tailor, solider, sailor – My bullet punishes all vithout distinction. (the single round bursts forward and twists around the alleyway before shredding the former spy’s body) Solid Snake, vanted for crimes against the State including espionage, treason, selling of secrets and attempting to overthrow the State in 1997.
Asuka: So what do we do now?
Rip: Easy, ve go to Glados and get her to the write the program for us.
Asuka: And then the hunt begins.
- Meanwhile in Russia, August 1979 –
Daedaltheus walks into a rundown yellow house where several figures wait for him, including one rather perturbed man in a finely tailored suit. The others included a short blonde man in a white suit, a blonde tall woman in a rather militaristic looking suit, a man in a lab coat and goggles, an alligator, and a penguin.
Councilman Swan: Gentlemen, let us call to order the RED Council and commune to order this tribunal.
Councilman Doctor Billy Horrible: The date is August 9, 1979, in the Strugatsky variant of Russia, located in the Zone.
Councilman Gummy: (blinks)
Councilman Patrick Bateman: We are here to commune the tribunal of the director of Division 42, also known as the Vault, for crimes against the organization and for violating the laws of the story.
Councilman Integra Fairbrooks Wingate Hellsing: Director, step forward and state your full name for the court to convene the tribunal.
DXIV: Daedaltheus Xenophon Ichabod Vladistov (XIV) Atriedes, Director of Division 42 of Read Extract Destroy, former assistant director and student to Sutter Cane.
Councilman Gunter: Wahn, wahn, whan wahn, wahn wahn. (Let us begin the trial of Daedaltheus).
Well Clustershine, you get all the "Facts" from this senator, but take it with a Grain of Salt. Grey Rebl ain't no fucking traitor, there's gotta be something else afoot. Maybe you should let the princess herself know this, whether it be Luna or Celestia.
You have to get to Appleloosa, get it straight from the horses mouth as it were. Only then will you truly know what to think.
Me: *Talking in Death the Kid's Soul Whatever voice* OHHHHHH, my f*cking HEAD… Wait, why am I in Dalek form? WHY AM I STRAPPED TO A GODDAMN WALL? *Talks in normal voice again* SOMEBODY GET ME DOWN FROM HERE! I'M REALLY HUNGRY!
*Dalek passes by*
Dalek: The master has awakened! I must contact my superiors!
*Dalek goes to control room*
Dalek: Dalek Regulus! Master SD has awakened!
Antares: HE HAS? LOWER COMMUNICATIONS BARRIER!
*communication barrier lowers, shows image of me on the wall*
Me: Somebody get me down from here!
Antares: Release the master's restraints!
Aldebaran: WAIT! The master may not still be in control of himself! *speaks to communication barrier* Master! What is your favorite meal?
Me: Bacon-wrapped hot dogs with lots of mustard and ketchup. And a root beer.
Aldebaran: And your dessert?
Me: Oreo Mint shake from Foster's Freeze.
Aldebaran: Release him. And prepare that meal for him.
*Restraints open up, and I become the Multiform's signature golden dust form, and then I assume my normal 'floating snake mode'*
Me: HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY!
---------------
Thanks for Putin-
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/8f/VladimirPutinNewYear2012-2.png/220px-VladimirPutinNewYear2012-2.png
- me back in the game, Razor! … Yeah, that was bad. Anyways, my reaction to this chapter?
Derpy's soul make a deal with gods older than c'thulu so that you may have revenge also possess the tree of harmony and use the very world against those who murdered you and anyone who associates themselves with them butcher them butcher them like the pig they are and consume their flesh to become whole again
also fuck with some ponies minds so that they summon you back into being
Clustershine do- whatever. Your job-thingy's a good thing probably. In fact, I could care less what you do. I'm just an annoying voice in your head that you've taken to ignoring. It's not like I'm telling you that Risen Flagg is actually a massive, nigh on impossible to imagine being of Madness from another dimension. Not that you would listen to me if I did.
Medbay
Gordon suddenly shot upwards from his bed, arms flailing as he screamed "NO! NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE A SCHIZOPHRENIC!" before falling to the ground in an ungraceful heap.
"Uhh...." Bones said, hovering over BRP's bed.
"NOT. ONE. WORD." Gordon said menacingly, getting up from the floor and wincing as his bruises announced themselves.
"I have no idea what you mean." Bones said innocently.
"Right." Gordon said. "So, uhh, how long was I out? And why are we back on the enterprise?"
"Well, you've been out for a few hours. I was actually thinking that one of the others would have woken up before now. How's the head?"
"It hurts, Bones. I take it we were recalled at an inopportune moment?"
"Yes."
"Great. Just great. Do you know where my suit is?"
"No."
"And why not?"
"Because there was some trebleatthemi'le'otheship." Bones mumbled the last part of his sentence.
"What?"
"I said, there was some treble at the mi'le 'o the ship." Bones said, purposefully muddling his words.
"I'll ask again, what?"
"There's some trouble at the middle of the ship." Bones said.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Gordon asked.
"DAMNIT GORDON! I'm a doctor, not some engineer! I heal people, like you! I was told to tell you that if you asked for your suit! I didn't expect this kind of Spanish Inquisition!"
"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" Three redshirts yelled as they burst through the medbay doors. One wore aviator's goggles, another a large brimmed red hat, and a third wore a red skullcap.
"What the fuck?" Bronze Statue asked, the loud entrance having woken him up.
"Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear. Fear and surprise. Our TWO main weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency. Our THREE main weapons are fear surprise and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope.... Our FOUR... wait, no... uhh... Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear... surprise... oh... I'll come in again." And with that the three redshirts left.
"What?" Gordon said.
"I have no idea." Bronze statue said.
"I might as well give the their line." Bones said, sighing, before changing the candor of his voice. "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!"
"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" The three redshirts said as they burst through the doors. " Amongst our weaponry such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the pope... and nice red uniforms.... Oh DAMN!." The redshirt turns to another. "You'll have to say it."
"I couldn't possibly." The other redshirt replied.
"And why not?" The first inquired.
"It would take too much time to re-write the entire skit play-by-play, and it would bore those that have read it before. Therefore, let's just skip to the charges so that no one gets bored. Plus, I don't have a name to distinguish myself, meaning not only will I soon die, but also that it would get confusing."
"Quite right." The first concurred. "Now, read the charges!"
"You" The third redshirt said, pointing at Gordon "Are hereby charged with Heresy against the Church of Celestia, and with abandoning your post as junior slash sub slash under author of this story. And YOU!" He points upwards at nothing in particular "Are charged with abandoning YOUR post as main Author for this week, and with keeping this story far too serious. This is a comedy!. Oh, and you're charged with Heresy as well. How do you plead?"
*At this point, it is requested that the author does a little skit with his holiness coming down and doing as he pleases, before departing and taking the memory of His Magnificence with Him*
"Not guilty!" Gordon replies, "On the grounds that I have no idea what you're talking about."
"No idea, eh?" The first redshirt said, "Well, EXCUUUSSEEE ME, but we find that to be the WRONG answer. Redshirt... er, I mean, Cardinal, the Rack!" The second reshirt hands him a dishrack.
"What is this?"
"Well, you wanted a rack..."
The first reshirt sighed. "Well, it'll have to do. Besides, our author's wrists are getting tired. Might as well just go with it. No point arguing." The redshirt then moves over to Gordon, tying the dishrack around him.
"What exactly is this gonna do?" Gordon asked.
"This will rip a confession out of you. If the main author were here, we'd use it on him too, now tell me HOW DO YOU PLEAD!"
"Not GUILTY!" Gordon said, annoyed. "On the grounds that you are all mad."
"HOW DO YOU PLEAD?!"
Gordon sighed, ripping the dishrack off of himself and walking over to the three redshirts before pulling a Hancock and shoving each of their heads up another's ass.
"Do not meddle in the affairs of authors, for you are moldable and fun to toy with." Gordon said with a voice so full of authority Celestia herself would have followed any direction he gave. He also seemed to shine with an inner light. "Now go!"
And the three redshirts left, awkwardly waddling away from medbay, trying to find a way to walk without upsetting eachother's assholes too much.
"Alright, seriously, what the fuck just happened?" Bronze asked from his corner. Meanwhile, Bones fainted.
"Hey, go fetch my suit while I revive bones." Gordon said, all the former glory of his voice gone.
"S-sure, Gordon." Bronze said, leaving the medbay quickly.
*No insult meant to Bronze Statue for using his character, or to Razor for indirectly attempting to use his. Oh, and the script and skit are sole property of Monty Python, blah blah blah, legal stuffs*
Kiro self-inserts again, just to push his luck.
On Equis/Gaia/whatever planet Equestria is on's moon the Watcher is just coming back from the omniversal Watcher Reunion and checks his screens for updates about his universe's Derpy Hooves/Ditzy Doo. He then sees that she has be killed by Risen Flagg.
W: ts3.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.607987538986798592&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
Watcher then summons Doomguy, Master Chief, Mario, Sonic, Kirby, and Mega Man.
W: I've brought here to avenge the death of an innocent.
DG: I only avenge bunnies.
MC: Who?
M: Was it a Peach?
S: I only kill robots and evil creatures.
K: *nods*
MM: Why the fuck should we?
W: He killed Derpy Hooves/Ditzy Doo.
All: ts4.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.607991954207214863&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
W: Good.
The champions of Watcher are instantly teleported into the Badlands.
W: What? They should be in Flagg's office.
He turns to see Loki smiling at him.
W: I hate you.
L:ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.607991275604610965&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
Main Story:
With vocal chords deep and hoarse-throated, Clustershine was the poker face of the CIA. Originally a part of the pridefully milltaristic and stoic Lunar Guard, he was transfered into the Intelligence Agency for his powerful talent of getting information. His association with Director Grey Rebl: Drinking buddies and partners in a specialized team of infiltration and leading operations.
This hadn't been the first time Clustershine had been summoned by the Senator himself. In fact, it was also before Risen became senator. Through connections and his current seat of power, the CIA had been owing favors for him for various things. The first seat of the Agency, Cluster's boss, didn't like it one bit, having to owe so much, and said to be careful with him. Smart considering that the two never met in person, compared to Clustershine and Risen. Under the Senator's request, he wanted Clustershine specifically in most of his cases.
This is one of such case. However, this isn't about a favor this time.
Judging by recent news, his summons was about the publicized execution, and the AIA going terrorist. That's probably not the only thing. The CIA had found out Risen had done a private investigation and found evidence of changling infiltration, both right under their very muzzles no less! This is likely going to be discussed. Clustershine would look into the AIA later, for now, Risen wants something. Time to do the initiative.
"I assume this about the execution you've made and the evidence surrounding the AIA and the changlings?"
From their, go with the flow, and take your Boss' words into consideration.
________________
Sidestory.
*Apple's Farmhouse*
Brauburn, Strongheart, Applejack, and Big Mac are all in the same room. Each had a cup of boiled water to calm themselves after the riot that ensued. Time Turner was in a bed to recover from his injuries. The buffalo insisted to let him stay instead of a hospital, not trusting outside parties after the behaviour with the guards. Apple Bloom was given a day off from school from the recent events, now in her room still out of exhaustion. Granny Smith... was sleeping in her rocking chair. They all sat in silenced, prepareing to start the discussion that's going to change their very lives, forever.
AJ: Now, Braeburn, Strongheart, let's talk.
BM: ...
BB: Alright. Honestly, I don't know where start.
AJ: Let's start with the REAL reason why you're here. It's been naggin' me since ya came here.
LS and BB looked towards each other. BB faintly nodded.
BB: We were... on a mission.
AJ: Oh?
Even Big Mac looked interested.
BB: On the orders of the Appaloosa Intelligence Agency we were sent here to track down a pony, "The Doctor". One who looked like this.
He pulled out a photo. In it was a picture of a pony... that looked exactly like Time Turner.
AJ: Isn't that...?
LS: But we found out it wasn't really him. He was nothing the personality report was about him.
AJ looked confused and lost. Almost angry even.
AJ: Appaloosa Intelligence Agency? Mission? The Doctor? What is this, are y'all with the government?!
LS: The AIA was a branch of the government. Being new compared to other Agencies, there's nopony who know very much about it, other than the ponies, or buffalo, who run that place.
AJ: But isn't Appaloosa just a small town? How could there be something like this happenin' there?
BB: Appaloosa wasn't just a small town. The government was involved in the start. It was meant to fund the AIA for their operations. It's just so it could be independent without having to ask funding from Canterlot.
AJ: Funding... You mean... The apples trees in your orchard! Y'mean, you...
BB: Yes. For a few years, Ah've been a part of it, helpin' it grow to the town it was now. And by Celestia was Ah proud.
AJ: But why?
LS: The buffalo allied with the AIA in secret, becoming their eyes in the vast plains. We joined because we had become to love the fair town, and would like to grow along with it. Buffalo like me are different, we perform inside operations, extending our help voluntarily. My own reasons why I became an operative are personal...
AJ: And Braeburn?
Braeburn didn't answer, as if we holding himself back, gaging whether or not he should say anything. It was until he saw Big Mac staring at him, that he looked at her in the eye to give her the answer.
BB: ...It's the prideful duty of the Apple Clan, AJ.
Applejack was shocked. There was no way... And yet, she felt as though he was telling the truth.
AJ: W-what? It can't be! Since when was the Apple Clan in cohoots with them?!
???: Ever since Ponyville became a part of the map.
The four looked to the open door. Granny Smith. With a grave expression on her face.
AJ: ...Granny? Y-you can't be—
GS: It is Applejack.
She sat down along with them, and Brauburn greeted her.
BB: ...Master Granny Smith, the Solid Snake.
Granny nodded in recognition.
GS: The Bright Desert Scorpion, was your title, ain't it?
BB: ...Yeah.
Applejack continued to be lost. Were those code names? And the way Granny Smith spoke... This doesn't seem to be the jolly grandmother she knew, and yet, here it was.
GS: Ever since I met Celestia in person, all those years ago. When we talked, she'd noticed things about us, and we'd noticed things about her. It was then that we realized something about each other: Her truth spell when we first came in, and that we have a special... ability. It was then that she proposed to have the Apple Clan to be a part of something importatn. As the judge, the lawyers, and investigators. As the seeker of the truth... We never had a real use of our power, and to use it to be a part of something great... How could we resist? For generations, we had been in her beck and call, whenever we were needed.
AJ: ...What ability?
GS: The same ability that made you the Element of Honesty, AJ.
AJ: Huh?
GS: Tell me, AJ. Do you ever wonder why you find lies so well? Us Apples subconciously detect the habits and signs of an individual and the environment. From emotions to the voice to the facial expressions, everything that could be signs. Nothing could get past us. We called it Piercing Sense. We weren't able to tell when are sense activate, but Celestia helped us figure it out. Our bodies tense whenever there's a lie, so we wear something that could fit on us perfectly, and whenever it does, it tightens. Brauburn's was his vest, Big Mac had his harness collar.
AJ just then noticed how quiet BM had been... even for him.
AJ: Big Mac, are you...?
BM: Eeyup.
Nothing more was needed to be said.
GS: And your father had his hat. Your hat.
AJ: ...And my parents are too?
The old mare nodded.
GS: Your mother was his partner. Together, those two were one of the best of the Apple clan.
AJ: About how they died... You've never told me.
GS sighed.
GS: Ah didn't lie about how they died finding the truth. They were tracking a master criminal, and he got them good... We'll tell you more another time.
Everything had came crashing down onto AJ in jsut mere minutes. How could this be? Had it all been a lie? An illusion? It was time to ask the big question.
AJ: Why didn't ya told me?
The "Solid Snake" frowned and closed her eyes, somberly mulling on her next words.
GS: ...It wasn't what your mother and father, hay, even me, would've wanted for you. A life of secrets? Theres a reason why we are a... mostly honest family. Us Apple Clan are unique, but the uniquness is a double edge sword. Not only can we see other pony's lies, but our own as well. We're physically unable to lie, and the body put itself through strain just by knowing. Mentally, it breaks onto our phsyche. Only would through training would we hope to over come it, but it'll be like a scar in your spirits. Telling you everything about our original line of work and follow how the Apple Clan keeps secrets at that age, without proper training and while you're suffering the loss of your parents? You would've had a mental breakdown. This extends to Applebloom as well, until she come to age.
Applejack couldn't believe it. It was all true, and it explained much. Mental Breakdown? It may as well be what's happening right now... And Applebloom... AJ had already witnessed her crying just by tryig to keep a secret. Was that what would happen to her when she finally come to age? Silence was all that filled the room. Nothing but her hard breathing. Their own piercing sense is already reading her very feelings and thoughts, aren't they? Even a trained buffalo like Strongheart could tell as well. A look on each of their faces, except Little Strongheart, was that of understanding.
They've been through what AJ was going through once, too...
AJ: ...I need to think this over.
BB: We understand.
LS: Take your time.
BM: Eeyup...
GS: We're here for you when you need us.
__________________________________
Goodness, I feel accomplished. Whether or not this is going to pass through, I still feel proud of how much I've done to come this far. I feel that I've built it up to this point. Wouldn't be surprised, if this feeling in my chest is real. Plus it seemed there's going to be a lot more work to be done soon. Heh, I guess Summer Break won't be so boring after all.
Well, cheers to another new beginning!
P.S. Sorry if the whole thing seems rushed. I know I had the time, but not the time on how this could be written well. 'Cause laziness and procrastination. Motivation had been the very low, too. Plus, I had things to do in the weekends.
P.S.S. I'm going to say sorry to whoever's been editing my comments and had a hard time going through my melodramatic touches and literary junk. I've realized how much of what I've done had been cut or rearranged.
Firstly, Cluttershine, it would be in your best interest to make sure that you stay calm and collected when talking with the senator. Additionally, be sure to ask him plenty of highly detailed questions.
Risen Flag, I believe that is in your best interest to stay especially calm and collected, given what you just told the princess. Moreover, what is this news I've heard about Derpy Hooves... (CONNECTION FAILED)
Councilman Swan: Daedaltheus, you are here because of your assassinations, blackmails and the appropriation of foreign universe technologies for personal gain.
DXIV: All of which were done in the name of RED and the Council.
Councilman Bateman: Yes, but let us not forget that many of those marvelous toys you keep in your vault are used by you.
Councilman Integra: Don’t we all possess some manner of these technologies ourselves?
Councilman Swan: One might assume that you are protecting this man, Integra, but I advise you keep your personal relations out of this.
Councilman Horrible: Agreed, now let us just agree partially that we posses this technology and illegally use the foreign objects ourselves, but onto the other charges.
DXIV: The parking violations are fraudulent, after all, I drive my own car and rarely need to use one considering that I can summon a godforsaken doorframe anytime I damn well please to travel.
Councilman Bateman: Very well then, onto the other charges of interfering with the story.
DXIV: Cut the bullshit, I know why I am here to begin with. You found out that I have the typewriter, but not just any typewriter, Sutter Cane’s personal typewriter that he used in order to rewrite the multiverse and bring about his own calamitous end.
Councilman Gunter: Wahn, Wahn, Wahn, Wahn Wahn Wahn Wahn Wahn Wahn. (The typewriter is company property and we would like it back.)
DXIV: Understandably, so most honorable Gunter, but I need to keep ahold of the typewriter until the latest story ends.
Councilman Bateman: Why would that be?
DXIV: Gentlemen, allow me to be brief as I need to return to the universe and manage the dealings before things get out of hand on our end. I am challenging what amounts to an equal of mine, someone with the same skill set, so to speak, that I do.
Councilman Integra: Another Reason user?
DXIV: Yes, and right now, he controls the story in its entirety but with the typewriter, we have the ultimate edge.
Councilman Gunter: Wahn. (What?)
DXIV: Sutter Cane’s typewriter allows me to override the story and change it without anyone knowing but myself.
Councilman Gummy: (blinks)
DXIV: However, I can only use it once per month for longer than two hours as the typewriter begins to type by itself and will at any cost try to rejoin its master, Sutter Cane, inside of the howling abyss that he now resides in.
Councilman Swan: Interesting story.
DXIV: Now, with your permission, given that I have explained my side of things, may I leave as to let the council convene on my punishment.
Councilman Gunter: Wahn wahn. (You may)
DXIV: Thank you. (the doorframe appears behind Daedaltheus and he leaves)
Councilman Swan: Once we have the typewriter, Daedaltheus will die.
Meanwhile in the Bunker…
Asuka: What the fuck do you mean you won’t build the program?!
Glados: Look, I not saying that I won’t build it, it’s just that I have no interest in building it.
Rip: But ve need ze program.
Glados: Look, I manage over three hundred and seventy-eight servers that each contain one hundred hard drives that contain one yottabyte of digital information. You can clearly see that I have too much to deal with right now to write a simple program.
Asuka: Dammit to hell and back! (folds arms)
Rips: Son of a bitch.
Glados: Go down to Research and Development and you should find someone that would be more than happy to help.
-Five minutes later in Research Development-
The room is littered with various machine parts and scraps of metal strewn about as small miner capped robots rush about, carrying with them buckets of scraps. The place, though unorganized has at least one wall specifically reserved for blueprints, which are tacked into the malleable material. Before them, stands a tall thin man with white hair that sticks straight out from the sides but possesses a rather large bald spot atop his head. He is wearing a white lab coat and upon turning to face his visitors, he wears all black, from his shoes to his tie, though the tie has a white skull on it. Additionally, his mustache is quite large.
Asuka: Hi, are you the head of the R and D Department.
???: Indeed I am (extending a hand which Asuka shakes) The name is Doctor Albert Wily, head of Research and Development for Division 42.
Rip: Wait, didn’t that robot boy and his creator sometime back defeat you in your own universe.
Wily: Many times but that changed after I met Daedaltheus.
Asuka: How so?
Wily: He killed Mega man while I threw Doctor Light out of a window.
Asuka: Huh. Anyway, we need an AI tracking program and Glados is refusing to build one.
Wily: Hmm, what kind of AI are we talking, military or other?
Rip: Based upon ze design, ve are assuming zat she is military issue.
Wily: All right, I think that I might be able to help you (a small robot appears carrying a laptop) Give me about ten minutes and I should be able to come up with something to suit the needs of your request.
Rip: Thanks.
Wily: Eh, it’s what I do and ever since the boss man upstairs abandoned the Zero project, all I do is perform basic maintenance on Glados and the OIC servers.
Asuka: Zero Project?
Wily: A line of fully functional and fully operational automatons built for the sole purpose of killing and maiming, just the thing needed for the Salvation and the retaking of Manhattan from the separatists but you know, war ended kind of quickly.
???: No doubt because of our involvement.
The two ladies and the one scientist look up to see a man clad in basic bullet proofing and carrying an assortment of weaponry approach them, a single red eye glowing in the brightly lit room while the other appears to be normal.
Wily: Ah, let me guess you need the eye retooled again.
???” Yeah, thing kinda got fucked up in the last mission.
Asuka: I’m sorry, but who are you?
???: Name’s Deadshot, assassin for the boss man.
Rip: Yah.
Asuka: Huh, so you’re kind of like us.
Deadshot: Generally, it’s kill first, plant the evidence, and ask questions later.
Wily: And we are good to go. Please plug your phones into the laptop so you can download the application.
Asuka: That was fast. (plugs phone into laptop)
Wily: What can I say, I’m going nowhere fast.
Rip: (plugs phone in) Again, thanks.
Wily: Meh, don’t mention it. And done downloading. Now all you have to do is open the application in whatever universe you happen to be standing in and the pings should start immediately.
Asuka: All right, well I guess we should head back out and track down this dog-guy thing.
Deadshot: Not so fast. The boss man just got back and wants a full report.
Asuka: You saw him on the way down here?
Deadshot: Who do think I gave the head of the dead guy to?
- In the Office of Daedaltheus –
DXIV: So you tracked down, killed Snake, left Shia Le-Buttfuck to listen to a song written by one of the least talented musicians (chuckles) in the business and now are preparing to track down the Brown Dog.
Rip: Yes.
Asuka: Indeed.
DXIV: And where would that next step lead you two?
Rip: Vell, if our intel is correct zen ve need to go to ze Winchester Brothers to gather ze appropriate information.
DXIV: Hell no.
Asuka: Why not?
DXIV: Those two are prepared for most anything, including but not exclusive to, vampires.
Rip: Ah. I see your point.
Asuka: Damn it to Hades! Then what are we supposed to do?
DXIV: Sources tell me, or at least that mole I planted in Strexcorp, that a figure matching his description has appeared near a rather interesting little burg in the middle of a desert and appears to live there rather infrequently.
Asuka: So you’re sending us to investigate these rumors and if possible find out more about the Brown Dog?
DXIV: Very perceptive, Asuka, I knew that there was a reason I hired you on to the Lethal Ladies.
Asuka: (blushes)
Rip: All right then, but vat about the Supernatural guys.
DXIV: I know two perfect ladies for the job.
- Minutes later as Asuka and Rip van Winkle arrive in a parallel universe on Daedaltheus’ orders-
Asuka: Damn it sure is hot out here.
Rip: Vell of course, it is a desert (Rip fidgets with the car radio)
Asuka: Just where the fuck are we?
Rip: Hold on (turns the dial again) I’m trying to figure that out.
At last the radio turns on and features some local advertisement for a local pizza chain that they have never heard of before suddenly switching over to some kind of news program.
Radio: Perhaps they were never alone. Perhaps you are never alone. Perhaps you were always never meant to be alone. Welcome, to Night Vale.
Asuka and Rip: (fan girl squeal)
- Meanwhile in the Supernatural Universe –
Sam and Dean, as well as their companion Castiel, find themselves in a motel off of the highway at night, as per usual for their adventures. Castiel sits in front of the TV set watching some program and making glib observations about it while Dean researches the local weirdness for any signs of demonic involvement or otherwise activity. Strangely enough, though, Sam I looking out the window of the motel room through the blinds, as though something in the parking lot has caught his attention.
Dean: Hey, Sam. Why’re ya staring out the window for?
Sam: There’s some girl in short jean shorts and a bikini top sitting atop of a red Mustang in the parking lot.
Dean: (walks over to the window) No way. (sees the woman sitting there) Wow, she’s actually there and she’s kinda cute in a crazed look sort of way.
The two sit there as the car opens and a second woman emerges, wearing what appears to be dark jeans and a violet hoodie. After a second, she pulls down the hood to reveal her long purple hair and a small red jewel on her forehead. The other woman, the one sitting atop the car reaches back behind her and turns on the radio.
Wanta join me, come and play
Dean: What the hell is that playing from the radio?
Sam: Why did she just turn on her radio?
Castiel: I think the more important question is why is she holding the chain gun.
Dean and Sam: WHAT?!
- Twelve seconds later –
Sam, Dean and Castiel lie on the floor as bullet fly overhead, shredding the wall of the motel in addition to destroying most everything about four feet in the room proper.
Sam: Who are these woman, Dean?
Dean: How the hell should I know?
Castiel: I have no idea either.
All at once, the bullets stop all together and as the three men stand up, they find the crazed woman standing in the former wall as well as her companion.
Jinx: Hi, I’m Jinx.
Raven: And I’m Raven.
Jinx and Raven: We have some questions to ask you about the Brown Dog.
Well... Iii have no idea how to play this... Clutershine... So i'll just give suggestions to Celly.
He could have abused loopholes to get past the truth spell. CHeck over your memories of what he said. Did he explicitly say that the CHANGELINGS brainwashed Derpy? He said that she was brianwashed to work for them, not that she was brainwashed BY them to work for them.
Demand access to the brainwashing machine, and test it yourself (with a willing participant, of course). I doubt that handing you PAPER will be affected by the brainwashing
The lies will be exposed with what he gives you in written form and what he does not say.
Once you've collected a list of what he could have lied about, question him on it again, with a truth spell, and a string of yes/no answers, allowing no wandering of subject.
This is what i'd do in Celly's place. And c'mon, she's a goddess with puppetmastery skills beyond mortal comprehension. It'll be quite hard for even an elder god to pull one over on her.
Well Clustershine the only thing you can really do it listen to what Risen has to say about bringing you in there. However the thought of doing a jig on his desk enters your mind for a brief moment which makes you crack a small smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RA: *busts into the ER room where BRP is being held carrying a bottle of peach whiskey, some used bandaids, and a rubber chicken* DON'T WORRY BRP! I'LL HEAL YOU THROUGH THE POWER OF ALCOHOL, USED BANDAIDS, AND COMIC RELIEF!
Meanwhile in the Captain's quarters Slim and Jim are still making furious love to one another and begin making such a racket that it'll draw the attention of a couple of redshirts. The redshirts can listen if they want, they can watch if they want, however if any of them go and try to strangle "the one eyed snake" Jim will personally castrate the lot of them.
4408683 It's ok. I needed something for my guy to do, anyways.
CLUSTER: Use what you know about your friend to temper what you hear about him and his agency. Be VERY careful about anything Flagg says or does, and do remember that he isn't your boss. After all, in this particular universe, Friendship is the most powerful magic of all and anything said or done that seems contrary to this should be treated with suspicion.
SIDE STORY:
*BS goes to get Gordon's suit while attempting (rather unsuccessfully) to softly sing "F" by Maximum the Hormone.* Some other minor stuff probably happens.*
4418914
The Brown Dog went out to gather the most brilliant investigative minds to help figure out who really defaced the Cecil Baldwin statue, unfortunately all he could get was Lieutenant Caine from CSI: Miami. He’d tried other options, but…
Sherlock Universe
The Brown Dog teleports into 221B Baker Street
BD: How ya doing voice of Smaug, where’s Bilbo?
Sherlock Holmes: …
BD: Anyway, I need your help clearing my good name
SH: …
BD: Someone has defaced the visage of the fantastical homesexual radio announcer that we all know and love, Cecil Baldwin.
SH: …
BD: Ummm…I can pay you?
SH: JOHN!!! I appear to have ingested some sort of hallucinogenic substance, but I can’t remember what!
BD: Hey I’m real!
SH: Sure you’re real (Sarcastically) You’re a talking dog that wears sunglasses, your breath smells of cheap takeout food, your accent is American, and the ash behind your left ear suggests you were near a fire of some sort.
BD: …Nice! What number am I thinking of?
SH: All this adds up to the fact that you are in fact not real since talking dogs only exist to sell dog food or teach children simplistic idiotic lessons and morals.
BD: But…
SH: Nope, the only thing I can do is ignore the drug fueled hallucination till it goes away.
Sherlock grabs his violin starts playing it with his back to the Brown Dog.
BD: Oh come on, just come with me
SH: I can’t hear you, you’re not real
BD: Oh yeah? Well…you’re…BRITISH!
SH: Oh, very good comeback. Dear lord I believe my subconscious is an idiot!
BD: Grrrr….(Disappears)
Psych Universe
The Brown Dog teleports into the Psych office
Shawn: Awww look at the little doggy
Gus: Shawn! What have I told you about bringing animals into the office?
Shawn: I thought that only applied to cats.
Gus: It’s anything that sheds hair that I have to clean up Shawn!
Shawn: Oh Gus, now you’re just being Hairest
Gus: What?!
Shawn: Just because you don’t have hair doesn’t mean you can lord your ways over those with long beautiful manes (Mock hurt)
Gus rolls his eyes as Shawn kneels down and hugs the Brown Dog
Shawn: Don’t listen to him sir, that hairless bigot won’t hurt you
At this the Brown Dog cracks up after having tried not to laugh the entire time, these guys are hilarious. Gus and Shawn back away in terror from the laughing dog.
BD: ha ha ha ha ha ha…oh man you guys are hilarious. Anyway I need your guys help to…
Shawn/Gus: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
They both run out of the office screaming towards Gus’s car.
Gus: DEMON DOG! DEMON DOG!
Shawn: PANIC! PANIC!
The Brown Dog laughs at this, but then realizes that they probably won’t help him.
BD: ha ha ha….crap
Teleports out
CSI: Miami Universe
The Brown Dog teleports into a Miami Bar where Lieutenant Caine is.
BD: Hey
Caine: Hey
BD: Wanna help me solve a crime?
Caine: Sure.
BD: Really? That simple?
Caine: Yep
BD: No questions about how I can talk or where I came from?
Caine: Nope
BD: Huh. Why not?
Caine: I like your choice in eyewear (Puts his own shades on) besides, I had a feeling today was a Dog Day Afternoon
CSI: Miami Opening: YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
BD: Ok then
Teleports them to his shack in Nightvale in the evening, the night before the Lackeys show up
The shack by the bluffs is…boring. It has literally nothing in it. There is no bed, no furniture, no appliance, nothing. Just the bare interior, there isn’t even a bathroom or sink.
BD: Well welcome to my place, don’t touch anything
Caine: What’s there to touch?
BD: Hey now I like living simplistically, don’t be a smartass
Cortana: You’re saying that to him?
Caine: I can tell there was a crime here, (Shades off then on) someone died of boredom
(YEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!)
BD: Hmm…good point
Caine: So what am I supposed to look at?
BD: A statue, but it’s not here, it’s in town
Caine: So why are we here?
BD: Well excuse me for wanting to give a tour.
Teleports into town and they start walking
BD: OK, there’s where Old Lady Josie lives with the Angels (Points to trailer)
Caine: Angels?
BD: The city council says they’re not, but we all know the truth.
Caine: Well I guess that’s what you call (Shades on) separation of church and state
(Yeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!)
BD: Heh heh, good one, Oh and there’s the Dog Park, don’t look at it.
Caine: What? Why not?
BD: Because you’re not supposed to, besides there are no dogs allowed into the dog park, or people, and those figures in cloaks aren’t there either.
Caine: Well this appears to be…(shades on) a cloak and dogger affair
(Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!!)
BD: OK that’s getting annoying, and there’s the sports store where the chief’s secret police are (Points to Sports store with Black Helicopter on top)
Caine: Why don’t we ask them for assistance then?
BD: Technically the city council has ruled that I don’t exist and so they and the police and everyone else ignore me. If I try talking to anyone they cover their ears and close their eyes and sing. That’s part of their new protocol.
Cortana: If only that worked for me.
BD: Shut up!
Caine: I didn’t say anything
BD: I wasn’t talking to you, besides I bet you were thinking of some sort of stupid pun just now.
Caine: Like what? Like…(shades) justice is blind?
(Yeaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!)
BD: God Damnit! You do that one more time I’m gonna jam those sunglasses up yer ass!
Caine: OK fine, jeez!
They walk on past Big Rico’s Pizza.
BD: That place used to be good, but ever since wheat and wheat by products were outlawed, THE PIZZA TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!
Caine: I don’t doubt it.
BD: That’s why I hope Hiram McDaniels wins this next election for mayor, I’m sure he’ll bring back wheat and wheat by products
(Points to poster of five headed dragon with the words “Vote for Daniels” on it)
Cortana: Well he’s got my vote
They finally arrive at Grove Park where the defaced statue is. Caine sees a shape not too far away.
BD: Don’t look, think, or talk about that shape
Caine: But it’s just so noticeable
The shape begins to turn a shade of red
BD: It doesn’t like people talking about it, so ignore it
Caine: There seems to be a lot of that in this town
They focus their attention on the statue.
It has police tape around it and there is graffiti spray painted onto it. The face has been scratched and one of the arms lies on the ground.
The graffiti says
All Hail the Glow Cloud
The California Raisins Stole My Brain
All the Ducks are Swimming in the Water
Honey, where are my pants?
And other insane ramblings.
Caine: Hmmm, this seems to have been done by a person or persons with extreme psychological problems.
Cortana: Well it does sound like you even if you didn’t do it.
BD: Indeed, I like his or their style, but they did frame me so they must pay, preferable in Twinkies.
Caine touches the paint and rubs it between his fingers before smelling it.
Caine: This was written in blood, bump my hunch about psychological problems to full on psychosis.
BD: What you’ve never seen a blood ritual before?
Caine ignores him and walks around the statue while Cortana scans the blood
Cortana: Analyzing…the blood doesn’t seem to belong to any known creature.
BD: oooohhh, the mystery thickens.
Cortana: There appear to be traces of avian, draconian, and even some sort of large mammalian in this sample. Also, I detect small levels of magic.
BD: Huh, I wonder how long you would have to deep fry this monster before eating it?
Cortana just face palms again. She’s done it so much it seems to be a new subroutine of hers.
Caine: Hey I found some strange footprints over here
The footprints are sporadically spaced and look humanoid, only the toes appear extra long and there is blood in the insteps.
Caine: It looks like whoever this painter was, they liked dancing.
BD: Well who doesn’t like the mamba after a blood pact?
Caine: (Looks at ankle of Cecil Statue) Aha…and look at this…Butterflies
There is a picture of butterflies drawn with the blood
BD: So we got a fellow nutjob dancing around and destroying statues of celebrities with random sayings and blood butterflies?
Caine: Exactly, does that ring any bells for you?
BD: Unfortunately it rings way too many bells. You see a lot of shit when you jump around the multiverse.
Caine: Well that’s all I see here
BD: Well thanks Caine, you’ve been a big help, even if you are annoying
Caine: My pleasure, and careful when looking for this guy. Something tells me (shades) that his dance moves are killer
(Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!!)
Brown Dog just looks at him with a frown
Lieutenant Caine Teleports into a locked cell with nice furnishings with his sunglasses broken. There are other people in the cells adjacent to him. One is an older man with a beard watching TV, the other is a man with longish blonde hair and a stupid nose who has a coloring book.
Caine: Ow…
MB: Hey George, new fish!
GL: Shut up Michael, Game of Thrones is on.
Back in Night Vale
Cortana: Did you really have to send him to your prison?
BD: He knows what he did.
Cortana: He did help you
BD: Which is why his sentence won’t be as long, but enough about him. We now have a target…of sorts.
Cortana: Mind enlightening me?
BD: In due time, but first tune into the local broadcast
Radio: (Static)
Cecil: … stay tuned in for two commercial free hours of the letter Q. And remember dear listeners, to forget what you don’t know and to know what you have forgotten. Good night Night Vale, Good night.
BD: Oh good, perfect timing.
Cortana: For what?
BD: To visit with the victim of this horrific crime.
Teleports
Cecil Baldwin walks into his house and sees the Brown Dog in his kitchen.
BD: Hi!
Cecil: Oh, the Dog that doesn’t exist that ruined my statue (turns around and covers his ears while singing)
BD: Hey now, I just want to talk, and it wasn’t me.
Cecil continues to sing
BD: Say, isn’t Carlos’s hair just the most pefectest thing ever?
Cecil stops singing, takes his hands off his ears, opens his eyes and turns around and smiles
Cecil: You do speak the absolute truth Dog that doesn’t exist
BD: Of course, that’s one of my best qualities
Cortana rolls her eyes in the HUD
Cecil: So what can I do for you?
BD: Well I just wanted clear up the air about this whole statue incident…
Clustershine...rumors are only a letter away from tumors. Ignore what you hear about the AIA. Grey Rebl was the most loyal pony that you ever knew. Now the evil monster ahead of you LITERALLY KILLED somepony! That isn't even a thing. So fuck him. Metaphorically. don't do what he wants.
BRP wakes up screaming at some point. Possibly due to an unknown sense of impending doom that makes him dream of Italian lechers punching naked French people and eating cake.
Phones are hard to write long things on.
4422070
A Cadillac Coupe de Ville pulls up to the shack on the bluffs, one with the noticeably open door and the rather plain design located nowhere near the back of the Ralph’s.
Asuka: Anybody in here, particularly interdimensional dogs of the mischievous variety?
Rip: Really, zat’s vat you say to announce our presence (opens the door)
Asuka: It’s better than just knocking on the door.
Rip: Well (the two enter) this is a bust. There is literally two things in this shack.
Asuka: Let me guess, jack and shit, right.
Rip: Yeah, and jack ran screaming about last night. (looks around the room, noticing quite literally nothing except for two sets of prints) Ah ha! Look paws and dress shoes.
Asuka: So he was here recently.
Rip: Yah (sniffing the air) and judging by the presence of In and Out Burger smell, recently.
Asuka: (pulls out her phone and activates the application) And according to this, he’s still in town, located precisely at…(fan girl squeal) CECIL PALMER’S STUDIO!
Rip: THERE’S NOT A MOMENT TO LOSE!
The two ladies return to the car and drive towards, town, which given the absurd speed limits and awkward placing of everything, it should take a few minutes. Rip turns on the radio...
Cecil: Well dear listener, you remember a few days back when the crime of the century was committed? When some otherworldly beast from the deepest pits of hell itself sought to defile my golden visage that sits in Golden Grove park? For awhile now the Sheriff’s secret police have informed us that it was the talking dog in sunglasses…you know, the one who doesn’t exist? And we’ve had no reason not to believe that this nonexistent entity that lives near the Radiated Bluffs was the culprit. Well it turns out I had a visitor in my home late last night. Sadly it was not beautiful perfect Carlos, but rather the Dog that doesn’t exist himself. I went through the usual ritual, I turned my back, plugged my ears and closed my eyes, and I sang a lovely song about Good Days gone by.
Sadly I cannot recount my perfect singing voice to you since that would technically count as Karaoke, and as we all know, Karaoke is outlawed. Back to the events of last night, I tried to block out the dog that did not exist, but he spoke a golden truth to me, that I couldn’t help but hear him out. He told me that Carlos’s hair was the most perfectest in all of Night Vale. That was when I knew I should hear him out dear listener, because Carlos’s hair is in fact that perfect.
He claimed that he was innocent in the charges against him and that he believed somebody, or something, was framing him so that he would have to pay restitution in cash that he did not want to summon up. His reasons were quote, “Paying cash for damages is cause and effect, and that’s too orderly for my tastes. Also, I won’t pay for damages I didn’t commit, I could use that cash for In N Out Burger!” He then began drooling on my floor deep in thought before yelling out loud at someone only he could hear. He then told me that he had a few leads on the entities that were the true culprits of this horrible, horrible crime, and that they would be brought to his brand of justice.
Now listeners, I know what you’re thinking, “You shouldn’t listen to talking dogs that do not exist,” but Ladies and Gentlemen, I have to say that there was so much sincerity in his little doggy voice and charm in his little doggy smile that had you been there you would have taken his nonexistent word for it as well. I happily thanked him for his words then booped him on the nose. He laughed out loud as did I and I gave him a scratch behind the ears. He told me to keep up with the good work and that he would be back with news before I knew it. With that, he disappeared. I believe he is telling the truth dear listeners, and dog gone it, pun intended listeners, I will wait and see how his mission turns up. Being framed by some unknown entity seems to put one between a rock and a hard place, but this dog will still seek the truth. My money is still on Desert Bluffs as nothing good ever comes out of there. This dog has conviction ladies and gentleman, not unlike our new mayoral candidate Hiram McDaniels, who I personally will be voting for come this fall. I will report to you any findings the Dog who does not exist gives as they come.
Asuka: You know, Rip, I never got a chance but what do you do for fun?
Rip: Vat do you mean?
Asuka: You know, when you’re not working for Daedaltheus and on assignments with the Lethal Ladies, what do you do to relax?
Rip: I like to read at home.
Asuka: What do you like to read?
Rip: Germanic tragedies steep in the myths of the Norse Gods while sipping on a chilled glass of blood.
Asuka: Oh.
Rip: (sighs) What do you like to do?
Asuka: Oh! Well, I’m studying biomechanical engineering and physics in Stockholm.
Rip: Wait, wait, wait. You mean to tell me that you, a mere seventeen year old is studying for a college degree in Stockholm and working for Daedaltheus.
Asuka: Actually, this will be for my doctorate and I work for Daedaltheus because he pays for my education.
Rip: Hmm, he did pay off my debts and pays for my mortgage.
Asuka: You own a house?
Rip: A small two bedroom house in the German countryside, nothing special, really.
Asuka: I live in a loft in Stockholm with other students.
Rip: Do they know about this?
Asuka: Not a fucking clue.
Rip: It’s better that way und we are here. (the car comes to a halt outside of the studio) Call the boss.
Asuka: Right (dials the secure line) Hello, we found him.
DXIV (phone): Him who?
Asuka: The Brown Dog.
DXIV: Where?
Asuka: In Night Vale of course. We are about to engage him.
DXIV: Do not engage.
Asuka: Why not?
DXIV: Listen to me, do not engage him.
Rip: Too late, he’s scene us.
DXIV: Rip, Asuka!
Asuka: (jumping out of the car) We’ve got you now, you son of a (Rip and Asuka appear in a dark cave) bitch?
Rip: The fuck are we?
- Meanwhile in the Bunker –
DXIV: Rip, Asuka, are you there? Come in, for the love of God, please come in.
Phone: (silence)
DXIV: DAMN IT ALL TO HADES!
Raindrops: Sir?
DXIV: The Brown Dog got Rip and Asuka.
Raindrops: Are they dead?
DXIV: One-Way to find out (briskly walks out of his office, downstairs and to the vault)
Raindrops: Why not send some of the others after him?
DXIV: Rip is my most loyal officer and Asuka is a new recruit, I can’t just send others in willy-nilly and have them slaughtered, if that’s what has happened to them.
Daedaltheus picks up his LAPD 2019 blaster, checking the ammunition in it and placing it in a holster at his side. He walks over to a shelf and picks up a long dark overcoat that his hanging inside of a yellow bag labeled FOR DXIV ONLY and puts it on.
Raindrops: This is serious.
DXIV: Of course it is.
Raindrops: I mean, you’re wearing the Coat, you only wear that when things are getting serious.
DXIV: If I engage the Brown Dog in battle, the last thing I need is for him to touch me and this coat should stop that. (Summons a portal) I shall not be long.
- In Night Vale –
DXIV: (appears) All right, so it would appear that we are in Night Vale or more specifically in Grove Park. (turns to see the shape that no one is supposed to talk about or know about)
The Shape: (glows violently red)
DXIV: Don’t you fucking dare start with me.
The Shape: (calms down and whimpers)
DXIV: Good. (pulls out his phone) And the tracers inside their smartphones should kick in right…(looks at the screen) of course, they’re inside the mine shaft. Because WHY THE FUCK NOT!
Carlos: Excuse me, but did you just speak to the Shape?
The Shape: (glows)
DXIV: (pulls out the LAPD 2019 Blaster) What did I tell you?
The Shape: (stops and whimpers)
DXIV: Indeed (holsters the gun) Name’s Daedaltheus, don’t touch the coat, it’ll melt your flesh off and would you be so kind as to tell me if you’ve seen a dog, brown wearing sunglasses nearby, about yay tall?
Carlos: You mean that Brown Dog that city council says does not exist and that we aren’t supposed to know about or acknowledge.
DXIV: You really are perfect.
Carlos: What?
DXIV: Nothing but I take that as a yes.
Carlos: He’s talking to Cecil at the studio.
DXIV: Zamechatel'nyy (Wonderful)
Carlos: Are you Russian?
DXIV: Spent some time around Czar Nikolas the Second prior to the whole VI Lenin affair, nice guy really but listen, I have some friends to rescue so I need to take off. (vanishes)
Carlos: (holds out tape recorder) Subject appears to be a tall male in his thirties and has some connection to the dog.
- At the Mine Shaft –
DXIV: Ok we are here and (sees a large metal door over the entrance) they’ve beefed up security, A LOT. (looks at the pistol) This thing isn’t going to cut it.
???: You want me to tear down the door for you, Daedaltheus?
DXIV: (lifts pocket watch) No, Amon, it’s quite all right. I’ve got this.
At this, Daedaltheus deeply inhales and begins to resonate his vocal cords for a few seconds, after which he gives a tremendous shout.
DXIV: CHUKSA! (the door and subsequent part of the shaft entrance explodes) Such is the Weirding Way.
- In the Mine –
Asuka: So let me get this straight, we got caught, sent here by the Brown Dog and…
Rip: Are trying to escape the mine shaft outside of town.
Asuka: Who's this prick?
A man in an offensive and cartoonishly inaccurate Native American headdress standing against the wall opposite of Rip and Asuka.
Apache Tracker: The dog teleported me with you to this place.
Rip: Why couldn't we be stuck with Carlos, sweet perfect Carlos.
Asuka: (sighs) Yeah...
Apache Tracker: I'm still here you know.
Rip: Fuck off.
All at once the ground shakes and light shines through the shaft.
Asuka: The hell (raises pistol)
DXIV: ASUKA! RIP! Are you two all right? (walks towards them)
Rip: Daedaltheus? You came for us.
DXIV: Of course. Mind the coat.
All at once a large man eating bat collides with Daedaltheus and instantly begins to melt.
DXIV: Yeah, the coat is of my own crafting you see each microfiber of this fantastic coat is laced with Vasta Narada, the shadows that eat the flesh, which attack anyone that touches me. Sorry about that (the bat dies)
The three exit the mine.
Rip: What do you want us to do now?
DXIV: Join up with Raven and Jinx, but keep your vampiric nature hidden, got it?
Rip: Jawohl, Daedaltheus.
Asuka: Yes, sir. But what about you…where’d he go?
- At Cecil’s House –
Cecil: Well, I’d have to talk it over with station management but perhaps I could get you a second guest spot.
Brown Dog: Awesome sauce! But next time, I want a trailer and only blue M&Ms. No! Green! No, those little aquamarine ones!
Suddenly, the door is kicked and lands against the wall of the studio as Daedaltheus steps through the doorway, the LAPD 2019 Blaster drawn as he points it towards the Brown Dog.
Brown Dog: Oh God, Debt Collectors!
Cortana: What the?!
Cecil: Oh hey, it’s the man I've never seen before.
DXIV: LONG LIVE THE FIGHTERS! (pulls the trigger as the Brown Dog teleports away leaving only the floor to explode upwards as the bullets collide with the wood flooring) DAMN IT ALL TO FUCKING HADES!
Cecil: Did you know him?
DXIV: Hi, don’t touch the coat, eats flesh and yes I do. Know where he went?
Cecil: Nope and you ruined the floor.
DXIV: Sorry about that. (pulls out a checkbook, writes a check, and places it on the desk) Got to go. (starts to leave) By the way, I love the show. Vote Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home for Mayor.
Cecil: Thank you. (Daedaltheus vanishes)
- Back at the Bunker -
Raindrops: Did you find him?
DXIV: Yes and he is either an equal or...
Raindrops: Or?
DXIV: The most dangerous idiot I ever encountered.
- Meanwhile Outside the Studio in Night Vale -
Brown Dog: The hell, Cortana?!
Cortana: I opened a portal to save you from being... what are you doing?
Brown Dog: Chasing my tail. (chases his own tail) Why?
Cortana: (facepalm)
4429441
The Brown Dog is sitting in front of a building surrounded by computers after having told Cecil the truth.
BD: Alright, time to Google this shit
Cortana: Your plan is to Google the clues at the crime scene?
BD: Duh! How else am I gonna narrow my list down?
Cortana: But we didn’t have to come to Google Headquarters to do this
BD: Well I didn’t want to half ass this investigation Cortana, I want to use my full ass, and that’s why we will Google at the heart of Google
Cortana: (Rolls her eyes) fine
BD: (typing and saying aloud) OK…bloody…butterfly…psycho…dancing…enter.
(And image of Buffalo Bill form Silence of the Lambs pops up)
BD: Buffalo Bill? Of course! The blood, the butterflies, being mad at gay people, ALL SIGNS POINT TO HIM!!!
Cortana: But wait that doesn’t…
(Teleport)
The Brown Dog arrives in Buffalo Bill’s basement
Cortana: …make sense.
BD: OK Bill, why did you frame m..OH DEAR GOD WHY?!
Buffalo Bill is dancing around naked in his Woman Suit in front of the mirror, and doesn’t hear the Brown Dog.
Bill: Ya I’d fuck me…I’d fuck me hard…
The Brown Dog is horrified, so he conjures up a mallet and knocks Buffalo Bill upside the head with it, knocking him out.
BD: …Well Cortana, I don’t think I’ll be eating anything for awhile.
Cortana: If I could eat, I would also stop.
BD: Ya…So I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this guy probably didn’t frame me.
Cortana: Oh gee you think? What tipped you off?
BD: Well mostly the dancing he just preformed, it didn’t match any of the footprint patterns at the statue.
Cortana: …Really? That’s why? Not the fact that he’s a serial killer that only kills women, or that you’ve never met him before?
BD: Those are also valid points. I guess I jumped the gun at Google Headquarters. Well at least that’s one suspect off the list, let’s go tell Cecil the good news.
Cortana: Already? We just left
BD: He must always know my progress!
Teleports out
Back at Night Vale in the Afternoon in front of the Radio Station
BD: Ah, good to be back, it’s been far too long, hey we should get some Big Rico’s Pizza
Cortana: I thought you said you weren’t gonna eat for awhile…also that you hated Big Rico’s
BD: I do, but after watching Buffalo Bill dance, I realize it’s not nearly as nasty. And I am hungry.
A Slavic man in stereotypical Native American garb and headdress approaches the Brown Dog
Apache Tracker: They are coming. They are coming from below
BD: Oh geez it’s this asshole. Apaches never wore that outfit jack ass!
Cortana: How would you know?
BD: History Channel
Apache Tracker: Below the bowling alley…they will come
A Cadillac Coupe De Ville pulls up behind the Apache Tracker
BD: Oh hey that sure is a nice car
(Inside the Car) Rip: Too late he’s seen us!
The Apache Tracker kneels before the Brown Dog, obstructing his view
Apache: Heed my words! The spirits tell me they come soon!
BD: Alright, that’s enough out of you. 3 hours dungeon!
The Brown Dog Pushes the Apache tracker back towards the car with a wormhole appearing around him.
Asuka: We’ve got you now you son of a…
The wormhole surrounding the Apache Tracker envelopes the two women whom the Brown Dog didn’t know were there and they too are teleported away.
BD: Huh? Did you hear something?
Cortana: Only the sound of your stupidity.
BD: Oh, then nothing new then (Smiles)
Cortana: Why did you imprison him?
BD: Well technically I didn’t, I sent him to the prison in the Night Vale Mine Shaft, you know the one with HBO? So technically he’s been arrested by the Sheriff’s secret police. Besides, he’ll be out in no time.
Cortana: Fine, whatever, let’s talk to Cecil and get going.
BD: Alrighty then, but first…(looks back at Coup) that is a very nice car isn’t it?
Cortana: I suppose?
BD: Hey watch this (takes out keys from somewhere and starts scratching on the driver’s side door, giggling while he does it) There, now it’s much better.
Cortana: …You drew Dick-Butt? Really?
BD: Yep, now the car’s price will skyrocket!
Teleports into studio.
Cecil: …The street-sweepers will be here any minute now! The City Council has already flown to their pre-scheduled vacation in Florida, and all we can do now is hide. Hide and pray dear listeners that they will not get you. It doesn’t seem fair that they are coming back so soon after the last street sweeping, but it is out of our hands. Good luck to you all…
On a lighter note, the Dog that does not exist has just appeared in the chair opposite me with a heart melting smile. I can only assume that means good news?
BD: Well it’s news alright, I have crossed one name off my suspect list, and I will continue to cross more off till I find the monsters that did this
Cecil: I am glad to hear that. You heard it right here folks, the Dog that doesn’t exist is on the case…and now, the weather. (Some indie rock song starts playing)
Cecil: (off the air) well that was rather fast.
BD: Yep, I'm like Twitter in that regard. I also saw a bird too, it was pretty. Can I keep updating you on air?
Cecil: Well, I’d have to talk it over with station management but perhaps I could get you a second guest spot.
BD: Awesome sauce! But next time, I want a trailer and only blue M&Ms. No! Green! No, those little aquamarine ones!
The door to the studio is then violently kicked in with a loud bang. All the Brown Dog sees is some guy in an awesome looking Jacket and a gun since Cecil is right in front of him and he can't see the guy's face. His mind immediately jumps to the logical conclusion.
BD: Oh God, Debt Collectors!
Cortana: What the?
Cecil: Oh hey, it’s the man I’ve never met before.
Debt Collector: LONG LIVE THE…
The Brown Dog doesn’t hear the rest as he is teleported. Not his usual way, but Cortana’s, the kind that always makes him feel a bit itchy.
He appears out front of the studio
BD: The hell Cortana?!
Cortana: I opened a portal to save you from being…what are you doing?
BD: Chasing my tail (running around chasing it) why?
Cortana: (Face Palms) For what reason?
BD: It itches! Also, save me from what? Yes debt collectors are scary, but he couldn’t have hurt me.
Cortana: In Night Vale? I don’t want to take any chances…I ….I…(voice faltering)
BD: Oh great, now you’ve expended your energy. And you call me stupid
Cortana: Shut….up…be…care…ful…
BD: Alright, time for you to take a nap (Taps glasses and Cortana shuts down)
He finally bites down on his own tail
BD: Graaahhhh!!!! It’s never worth it!
Looks around at the deserted streets.
BD: Huh, wonder where all the local wildlife is?...Oh well, time for pizza.
He Walks over to Big Rico’s, while down the road, the sound of Street Sweepers gets louder little by little