Part 2 of the epic story: Wake up. See this. What do? The adventures of the human Jason Morgan continue as he takes on the most dangerous adversary Equestria has ever seen by far, and as always, the question remains. What do you do?
(Also, there's not gonna be an update tomorrow cause I have to work, and then I have to work again on the Fourth of July. Don't worry, regular updates will resume on Friday.)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I see your video and raise you a
2814127
-On the Enterprise-
"Alright, let's see what they did to ye!" Scotty said, hugging the captain's chair. The bridge crew just coughed and turned away.
"I want crew examining every inch of her, inside and out. ANYTHING ye find wrong I want it cataloged before repairs. The Daleks were kind enough to give me a list of what they didn't touch, and I want priority crew on that." Scotty gave his orders over the comms.
The Enterprise's crew got to work immediately, fixing and repairing everything that was broken. In two more hours, the Enterprise would be back to top condition.
TWILIGHT. YOUR SCHIZOPHRENIA ORDERS YOU TO TELL SOMEPONY ABOUT WHAT YOU obviously didn't, nope, not at all, not in any way, CAUSED! IT MAY BE THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE EQUESTRIA WITHOUT EVERYONE LOOKING AT YOU WIERDLY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FOR TRYING nope, didn't do that, didn't even try, was miles away, was visiting relatives, yeah, an aunt or something, nope, couldn't have been you TO RAPE A HUMAN THAT YOU BROUGHT HERE FOR an obviously very good, must have been, otherise you wouldn't have done it REASON!
2814984
It ran away from you for a bit, but you had decent dramatic prose and a good "voice". Bear in mind that those will set the tone of your writing. I decided to write my own fic myself as a method of practice for writing a real book...not so different from what you are doing here. Just remember that if you jump into the story halfway, people can lose interest. While people do have some idea of what is going on in the side story, this area has been largely glossed over. I think that we all assumed you would do it, and you assumed Razor would do it so fair enough. Maybe lengthen your flashback to its own comment (page/chapter) and give it after giving the assignment to Braeburn and Strongheart. Finish the first part by dismissing them, then begin the next by wondering a) how the two agents will do, then b) thinking about Clustershine. That would be about a paragraph if I wrote it, then devoting the remainder of the chapter to the flashback, to give a more comprehensive view of the actual events.
Just a thought.
2815525
Huh. You learn something everyday. Anyways, there was originally more depth to Cluster's and Grey's partnership, but I didn't want to make the comment longer than the chapter itself, that along with the 4 lazy hours spent with no editing whatsoever.
2818526
what you were doing was giving our side story depth. That's fine, but as we are part way through, that would involve giving each character a more involved backstory. Drawing the focus onto each one of these backstories in turn is okay, but each would have to be their own chapter.
Any less and you run the risk of getting readers lost or missing details that you need people to know.
Fluffle Puff was made for that song.
2821862
Me: Well... an R63 you... considering how you always cover yourself up, it's just a woman wearing what you wear... I'm not even going to try to turn into that... Hey, Regulus... zoom in on Ponyville... I see something...
wat...
My computer takes ages to load videos, this was so worth it.