What do You do With a Drunken Unicorn?

by Tumbleweed

Chapter 1

"Um, Twilight? Are you drunk?" Fluttershy had to speak up to be heard over the sounds of laughter and general carousing that filled the library. Six ponies certainly could make a lot of noise, especially when cocktails were involved.

"No!" Twilight Sparkle stomped her hoof hard enough to make the pegasus wince. A pause. "Yes." Another pause. "...maybe."

"Well, um." Fluttershy bit her lower lip, "I don't mean to presume anything. But. Um. You might want to lay off a little bit. Drink some water, maybe? I know it's a party, but it's not even the weekend yet, and I'm sure you have a big day tomorrow. So, uh, why don't you just relax a little. Please?"

"I am relaxing!" Twilight said, and took a long pull at her drink. "That's why Princess Celestia sent me here. To drink. Er- relax. By drinking. I know what I'm doing." The unicorn shook her hair out of her eyes. "Besides, there are some scholars who argue that alcohol is the foundation of pony civilization. It's said that a pony named Moonshine figured out how to ferment alfalfa long, long ago...and, uh. Now we're here." Even after several cocktails (or perhaps because of them), the purple unicorn slipped into academic pontification. Twilight sipped at her drink, only to peer down into it in frustration. "And now my glass is empty."

"Um." Fluttershy said.

"Ladies!" Pinkie Pie bounced over, "Enjoying yourselves!"

"Definitely!" Twilight said, and sat down on her haunches.

"Neato!" Pinkie pie said, and trotted happily over to the rapidly dwindling array of bottles. "Whatcha drinking, girls?"

"Um. Water. Please. Or, uh. Juice? If it wouldn't be that much trouble..." Fluttershy said.

"Lighten up, Fluttershy." Twilight said, swaying a little on her hooves. "If I can have a few drinks, so can you. I'm sure the rabbits or squirrels or whatever you're looking after now won't mind."

"I sort of wanted to get the juice for you. Good source of vitamins. Not that, uh, you look malnourished or anything, but I'm just a teensy bit worried about-"

"Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!" Pinkie Pie brimmed with excitement. As usual. "Screwdrivers! There's the orange juice, so you get your vitiamins and grow up big and strong and you don't get scurvy-" mixing screwdrivers was likely a waste of Pinkie's bartending skills, but she didn't seem to mind as she poured the drinks together. "I think I heard somewhere that only pirates get scurvy. You're not a pirate, are you Twilight? Because you'd be the prettiest, best-smellingest pirate I've ever met. Not that I've met any. Oooh, I know! Let's go find some pirates! We'd need a boat, though. But you don't have a boat- just a balloon- OOOH! What if they're SKY pirates? In a zeppelin? That would be SO COOL! Except for the scurvy."

"Whatever you say, Pinkie." Twilight said, and leaned forward to slurp up some of the vodka and orange juice. "You know, that's pretty good." she said, smiling broadly.

"Of course it is!" Pinkie Pie downed her own screwdriver in a single, unladylike gulp. "Orange juice is delicious, vodka is delicious, and so once you put them together-"

"Um. Are you sure that's the very best idea right now?" Fluttershy said, leaning forward just a little bit.

"Mmm. You're right, Fluttershy." Twilight said, resting one hoof on the table to steady herself.

"Oh, good. I'm so glad you-"

"Gimmie the vodka straight!"

"Yay!" and Pinkie Pie started to do just that.

Yet before she could even get the shot glasses out, Rarity's shrill but insistent voice came from the other side of the room. "Twilight Sparkle, don't you dare!"

Startled, Pinkie Pie fell over. To her credit, she didn't spill any of the vodka- on the floor, at least. She 'accidentally' caught the open bottle between her lips as she fell.

The white unicorn dashed in from across the room, having just noticed the goings-on around the liquor cabinet. Applejack and Rainbow Dash came along hot on her hooves, looking both puzzled and concerned. It was the sort of look anypony tended to take on at some point or another whenever Pinkie Pie was around.

"Honestly, darling-" Rarity huffed, "it pains me to see you drinking such swill. If I'd known we were having a proper celebration, I would have brought something from my wine cellar. In fact, I've a pinto noir that I've been saving for a very special occasion-"

"But it is a special occasion!" Pinkie Pie popped up. "It's Tuesday!"

"Aw heck, Rarity-" Applejack said, nudging the unicorn playfully, "Ya don't have ta do that. 'specially since this ain't a party so much as a...schindig."

"There's a difference?" Twilight said. She still had most of her screwdriver, and swore to herself that she would finish it, Rarity's judgment or no.

"Sure there is! This? This is just us, sittin' round, havin' some drinks, havin' some laughs. Schindig. But a party- well, way I see it, it's a bigger operation. Ya get out decorations 'n have Pinkie Pie make some cake or somethin' 'n invite the whole town."

"Yeah, we shoulda invited your brother Macintosh at least!" Rainbow Dash said, grinning broadly.

The other ponies just stared at her.

"What?" Dash said, giving her wings a little flutter. "He's hot."

As the tipsiest, Twilight spoke first. "I'm sorry, Dash. It's just that I- er, we-...we thought you didn't like-"

"Ponies without wings?" Dash laughed aloud, and took to the air, circling playfully over the heads of her friends. "Usually! But there's just something about the big guy that makes me wanna take a bite outta that apple on his-"

Applejack coughed. Loudly.

"Oh, c'mon. It's not like I'm the only pony here who's-"

Applejack coughed again. Louder.

"Psh, fine. Spoilsport." Dash said, landing on the ground once more.

"First thing," Applejack held up a hoof- "Ew. Second thing? Big Mac's spoken fer, ladies."

"What? No way! Who?" Dash said.

"Ditzy Doo. The mailpony. Macintosh's been wakin' up 'fore sunup every day, just to get the mail, and...well, I hear she's had her eyes on 'im for awhile now-"

"More like she's had her EYE on him!" Dash laughed- only to get another pointed glare from Applejack. "Jeez, tough crowd."

"Psh." Twilight shook her head again, "I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like Applejack's brother is the only boy in town-"

"Just the hottest!" Dash said, smiling.

Applejack coughed again.

"Oh no, Applejack- are you getting a cold?" Fluttershy said, "Maybe you should have some juice-"

"More screwdrivers!" Pinkie Pie piped in.

"-or, uh. Maybe some soup."

"I'll be fine, Fluttershy. So long as SOMEPONY learns the definition of too much information..." Applejack glared at Rainbow Dash, who looked fairly unfazed by the look.

"As I was saying," Twilight spoke up again, changing the subject, "there's other boys in town, y'know. Like Doc."

"Doctor... Who?" Rarity peered at Twilight from over the rim of her martini glass.

"Not Doctor- just Doc. At least, I think that's his name." Twilight said, "Y'know, brown pony. Doesn't talk much. Hourglass cutie mark? I've seen him around every now and again."

"Twilight!" Rarity gasped, extra-melodramatically, "are you saying you have a crush on a boy whose name you don't even know? I am scandalized!"

"I know his name!" Twilight stomped her hoof, hard enough to make Fluttershy wince. A pause. "Sort of." Another pause. "Maybe?"

"Well! I imagine it'll be simple enough to find an answer, hm? Because WHO knows everypony in town?"

"Oooooh, who? Tell me! Tell me!" Pinkie Pie bounced. "I'd love to talk to the pony who knows everypony! That'd be fun!"

"...I was referring to you, dear." Rarity said, and took a much-needed sip of her martini. "Please, enlighten us on the identity of Twilight's crush."

"I don't have a crush on him!" Twilight said, only to get the disbelieving stares of her five best friends. "Maybe." Another pause. "yes." she said in a very small voice.

"Right. So, brown pony, scruffy hair, hourglass cutie mark. Who's he?"

"I have no idea!" Pinkie Pie said, cheery as ever. "I mean, I've seen him around, but I don't really know him as well as I know you guys- or anybody, for that matter! I don't think he actually lives in Ponyville- he just sorta goes wherever, y'know?"

"Ah." Rarity said, "...I see. Well, Twilight, don't worry. You're the smartest pony I know. I'm sure you'll be able to get to the bottom of this mystery once you put your mind to it, hm?"

"You're right, Rarity!" Twilight said, furrowing her brow in determination, "this demands research!" Twilight made it about three steps towards the bookshelves before she tripped over her own hooves and landed in a drunken heap.

"Oh, Twilight! Are you okay?" Fluttershy said, bowing down low.

"Just. Fine." Twilight said, her voice shaky. "I'm...actually kinda comfortable right here."

"Honestly, darlin'?" Applejack pushed her hat up, "you look drunker than a skunk on payday."

"I've been drunker." Rainbow Dash said.

"I'm sure you have." Rarity deadpanned, and neatly set her empty glass aside.

"WOO! Tuesday!" Pinkie Pie said.

"I'm okay!" Twilight said as she rolled over on her back. "I'm...just gonna stay here for awhile. Keep going. Don't let me ruin the party."

"WOO! Party!" Pinkie Pie said.

"Yeeeah. Well, uh. If it's alright by y'all, I think I'm a gonna get goin'." Applejack said. "Got a big day tomorrow- them apple trees ain't gonna watch themselves, hm?"

"Mmm, I concur." Rarity said, "As enjoyable as this evening's been, I'm afraid I wasn't planning on carousing- I shouldn't have to worry TOO much about the backlog so long as I get started early tomorrow morning..."

"Aw, you guys are boring." Rainbow Dash said. "If you don't wanna get down anymore, I'm going home."

"We're out of vodka!" Pinkie Pie said, horrified. "And it's only partly my fault this time!"

"Um, Twilight? It's kind of late, and it's a long walk back to my cottage- do you think I could stay here tonight?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you like." Twilight said, rolling to a more awkward position on the floor. Fluttershy looked on with concern, while the others fidgeted, somewhat embarrassed. One by one, the other ponies left (even if Applejack had to drag Pinkie Pie out).

"Oh hey. Everybody leave?" Twilight said, pushing herself up onto unsteady hooves again.

"Not everybody." Fluttershy said, taking a step forward. "I, um. I hope you don't mind if I stay. It's just with all that you've had to drink-"

"Yes!" Twilight staggered back over to the bar, and knocked over a few empty bottles in the process. "More drinks! I know how to have fun!"

"Oh no! That's not what I-" Fluttershy beat her wings a few times, fidgeting nervously, "I mean, uh, Twilight, I don't think it's a good idea to-"

"I'll...I'll be just fine." Twilight said, woozy. "I just need to...ugh...I just need to..." and as hard as Twilight tried to produce the right words, something else entirely came out of her mouth instead.

"It's okay." Fluttershy said, "I'll get a mop."

---

"Dear Princess Celestia."

"Today I learned a true friend will take care of you, even when you're at your worst. Nothing says friendship like someone holding your mane at three in the morning when you just can't stop being sick."

"Also, it's good to eat something before you go to a party."

"That's it?" Spike asked,

"Yes, that's it. Now don't talk so loud." Twilight pulled the pillow over her head.

"Alright, if you say so..."

---

"Would you look at that. Twilight Sparkle's growing up. Her first hangover!"

"...she's not going to send you a report when she loses her virginity, is she?"

"Quiet, Luna."

Comments

[Mobius of the Moon]

Favorited, because drunk ponies are hilarious sometimes.

[RaptorCalloftheShadows]

And then, Chapter 2:

Twilight Loses her Virginity. *snicker*

[PonyofTacos]

Drunken ponies and Luna's comment FTW

[KobeTheGryphon]

AHAHAHAHAHA luna for equestrias best troll ever

[Superpony]

[NeverKnown]

Hahahaha i remember reading this its hilarious..........i really want more drunk twilight

[BlueEricsson]

tracking on the off chance you continue this

[Scootalderp]

[](/crossfire)

What do you do with a drunken unicorn?
What do you do with a drunken unicorn?
What do you do with a drunken unicorn?
Early in the morning.

CHORUS:
Way, hay, and up she rises.
Way, hay, and up she rises.
Way, hay, and up she rises.
Early in the morning.

Shave her mane with a rusty razor.
Shave her mane with a rusty razor.
Shave her mane with a rusty razor.
Early in the morning.

(CHORUS)

Put her in bed with Spike the dragon.
Put her in bed with Spike the dragon.
Put her in bed with Spike the dragon.
Early in the morning.

(CHORUS)

That's you do with a drunken unicorn.
That's you do with a drunken unicorn.
That's you do with a drunken unicorn.
Early in the morning.

(CHORUS)

[The Incredible Werekitty]

Oh... my goodness! The ending comments made it!

[jillswift]

174491
Full of win.

So's the fic. I love Luna.

[Super_Big_Mac]

174211 Dear Princess Celestia,
I just had sex, and it felt soo good!
It was great 'cause I let him put his penis inside me!
I just had seeeeex! And Imma send a letter to my parents next!

Your faith- cumfilled student,
Twilight Sparkle.

PS: Caramel is really cute!

[Barry From Mars]

Oh, Nice, Drunken ponies! Hooray! BTW, Here's a drunken tune to listen to while reading... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7WUNKUcEfM

EDIT: I read it. Was good.

[RedvsBlue327]

I read this waaaaay back ^^ It was on Fanfiction.net, oh the lols I had then, and now

Basically, I got to read this before any of you guys!

[Brony 2-Ma-Ro]

Short. Sweet. Simple.
Now all we need a a blue police box to pop up in the middle of the room

[UseFistNotMouth]

Hey. I read this quite a while ago.
The sequel gonna be posted?
It's funny too just really... squicky...

NVM. I see it is.

[Dawalkindude]

"But it is a special occasion!" Pinkie Pie popped up. "It's Tuesday!"
Do you know why we drink?
No, why?
Because the day ends in Y!

[Jahk Observas]

Should've ended with TwiXShy but still pretty funny.

[packa330d]

Well done. A chuckle or two was had.

[StickySyrup]

HAHAHA loved it..
Not too long either.

MAKE ANOTHER PLEASE

(Lunas comment FTW)

[Cobalt Brilliance]

I completely cracked up at Luna's comment and Celestia's response. Good little story, loved it.

[Applejinx]

And to think I only got Twi drunk on SALT (in Trixie's Magic Bit, 'Precious')

[Smayds]

Brilliant. God, my sides hurt from the laughter!

And I humbly offer this replacement last line:

"Oh, I have that one framed, Luna dear," Celestia said, pointing to the gilt-bordered parchment hanging on the wall beside her bed.

[littlelf1116]

A standing ovation! Hope there's more chapters.

[rychu_supadude]

I have long thought that "Ponies + Alcohol" would make for one of the most hilarious combinations of all time, if written by a sufficiently talented author.

You have proven my theory to be 100% correct! Success is finally mine!

[SSky]

I remember seeing this on fanfiction.net a few months back. XD

[DevilsMessiah]

Fuck yeah, TUESDAY! Which reminds me... What day is it? Fetch the vodka!! And not a fuck was given that day...

[darktoes]

I see someone's a fan of Until You Met Her, Pinot Noir huh?

[UseFistNotMouth]

175169

Actually this fic predates Until You Met Her. It was originally posted in July on EqD.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/04/story-what-do-you-do-with-drunken.html
UYMH was posted in October here.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1559/Until-you-met-her

174491

LOL at same song being posted (with slight variation) both here and on the EqD post.

[Hyper Futas Are Great]

Sky Pirates... FFXII refernece?

[kjaslwod]

Crossposted

I've read that on fanfiction and I'm glad that it got posted here... honestly, the other fanfiction sites are so friggin unclear o0

[Eriniou]

175317 Skies of Arcadia did it best, Viva la Moon Stone Canon!!!!

Oh, hey, there's a crossover idea....... Sky pirate Rainbow Dash!!!!!!

[Phoenixfire92]

174778you just hipstered

[RaptorCalloftheShadows]

174744

Wait, Caramel? D:

...

WHAT THE FU *headsplosion!*

[DemonRykuKyuubi]

Amazingly funny! I loved this story!

[Baboosh]

174491

In pinkie's voice = priceless

[Sunstar]

LOL! Thats me, after one too many screwdrivers!

[Super_Big_Mac]

175739 Yeah, CaramelTwi is one of the better ships. I especially enjoy it in Caramel's Light.

[Enmar]

Love it!
Dat ending made me LOLZ :D

[Hyper Futas Are Great]

175498 True dat

[UnlicensedBrony]

Loved Luna's comment at the end

[datdamnface]

that is one crunk critter

[HappyTriscuits]

174744 Oh shit man, the author made a sequel to this one, and I think you will love the first chapters alone. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8911/Friendship-%28With-Benefits%29-is-Magic

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything while reading this...

[Super_Big_Mac]

176634 Already read it, but thanks! Also, to make a link, there's an anchor-thing between the 'insert picture' and 'color wheel' buttons. You click it., and a pop-in comes up. It asks for the URL. Then, you can type what you want the words to be linked to say. For example, I'll use your link:

OMG A LINK To Friendship (With Benefits) is Magic

Alternatively, if you use Google Chrome or another similar browser, you can highlight text you've typed, and then click the button to only deal with typing the URL in the pop-in.

That is all,

Cave Johnson out.

[Shao]

lolz.

nuff said

[FanOfMostEverything]

Ah, yes, the classic tale that brought us the equally classic line:

We're out of vodka! And it's only partly my fault this time! >

Glad to see it on FiMfiction.

[fearanger]

174744 what the hell is up with your mind?

[Super_Big_Mac]

176996
Read
These
Three,
Then
Tell
Me.

I am also hopping my new story gets through. "Fun Foods From Science". It's all about Twilight, heh heh heh...

[Cloud Shimmers]

<-------<< Twilight's crush.

[Witchfinder General]

Drunken ponies talking about pirates and sex?

images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/12/2/129042873422751575.jpg

Yo ho ho.