Chapter 1
“Now, repeat after me,” the Princess of the Night said to her two students. “DEAR CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA, WE BID THEE WELCOME!”
“Dear Citizens of Equestria, We bid thee welcome!” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Dear Citizens of Equestria, We bid thee welcome!” Cadance punctuated the sentence with a loud gurgle as she sucked the last dregs from her juice box. Twilight whirled in her seat to stare at her. Cadance winked back.
The classroom was perched halfway up the south wing of Canterlot Palace, overlooking a well-manicured courtyard. Although it could easily accomodate twenty students, only two were present, sitting awkwardly at desks intended for much younger ponies. Twilight Sparkle sat attentively, fresh notebook open with "Royal Canterlot Voice Lesson" inscribed at the top of the page in her neat handwriting. In contrast, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza sat with the exasperated attitude of a pony who had been dragooned into a duty she found both inconvenient and irrelevant.
Luna glared at Cadance. “Is it the custom these days to have so little respect for one's instructor as to gulp down refreshments in the midst of a lesson?”
Cadance smiled back. “Oh, it's long been recognized that students learn better when they're properly hydrated.”
“Be that as it may, your enthusiasm would stand you in better stead. Really, I had expected only Twilight would require instruction in the Royal Canterlot Voice. I had not anticipated my sister would be so lax in your own education, Cadance.”
Cadance stuck out her tongue. Luna's eyes narrowed dangerously, and Twilight surreptitiously kicked at Cadance's ankle.
“Errr, Princess,” Twilight spoke up, trying to head off the situation. “Umm, I think maybe Cadance and I aren't really the 'Royal Canterlot Voice' sort of alicorn.”
Luna raised one eyebrow. “Nonsense, Twilight Sparkle. 'Tis a skill every princess should know. Imagine, if you will, yourself on the battlefield, the air thick with the hot stench of blood, the cannons roaring all about....” Luna began to outline the myriad important uses of the Royal Canterlot Voice, turning to the blackboard to add illustrations as she went.
Cadance slumped down and laid her head on her desk, facing Twilight. “Twilight, what am I doing here,” she moaned softly. “I have a graduate degree in romance studies, and I write the lonely hearts column in the Canterlot Times. Why am I being lectured in a grade school classroom?”
Twilight split her attention between listening to Cadance and scribbling notes about the fascinating glimpses into Equestrian history Luna was dropping. “Aren't you interested in learning something new?” she whispered back.
“Hmmm...” Cadance said, noncommittally. “Hey, Twi,” she whispered after a moment, “have you ever heard of a Neighpponese thing called 'hadaka apron?'”
“Nnnooo...?”
“It's this super kinky thing where you cook a meal for your sweetheart, and you wear an apron and nothing else. I want to get back to the Empire and try it on Shiny!”
The more Twilight thought about this, the more she looked as if she were sucking on a lemon. “Right, first, the Cakes in Ponyville bake all day long wearing nothing but an apron, and it is not sexy. Okay? And second, please don't put images of my brother making out with you in my head. No disrespect, but eww.”
Cadance giggled. “Oh Twi, as soon as you get a special somepony I promise I'll make Shiny just as weirded out.”
“Cadance!”
Luna paused and turned back to her students. “Is there a problem, you two?”
Cadance and Twilight both sat straight up in their seats. “No, your Highness,” Twilight said.
Luna gave a dour nod. “Good,” she said. “As I was saying, troop morale is not the only use for the Royal Canterlot Voice. An unprepared enemy will often be momentarily paralyzed at the sound...”
“Hey, Twilight! Twilight!” Cadance whispered. “Loan me a sheet of paper!”
Twilight frowned. “Am I supposed to get it back?”
“Uhh, no?”
“Then you want me to give you a sheet of paper, not loan you one.”
Cadance frowned. “But you're a princess now! I can't very well say, 'Your Royal Highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle, gimme paper!'”
Twilight stifled a giggle. She tore a sheet from her notebook and levitated it to Cadance. “I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, do hereby graciously grant you suzerainty over this sheet of paper. Do you need a pencil too?”
Cadance grinned. “I'm fine, thank you your Highness.”
Twilight smiled back at her—best foalsitter ever!—and turned her attention back to Luna's explanation of how judicious use of the Royal Canterlot Voice had frozen an assassin just as they were about to strike down Starswirl the Bearded.
Twilight couldn't help but gasp. “Somepony tried to kill Starswirl the Bearded?”
“Oh yes,” Luna nodded. “Several times, in fact. It was that damned spell, you know. He was so proud of it. Beards everywhere. Nopony was safe! Why, after a while you stopped shaving it off because he'd just cast it right back on you. It caused more than one diplomatic incident.”
“He... he cast a beard spell on ponies? Wait, when you say nopony was safe, you aren't talking about yourself or, or Princess Celestia, right?”
Luna snorted. “Celestia was his prime target! I think he had a crush on her.”
Twilight sank back in her seat, dizzily. She still had so much to learn.
Luna paused, frowning. “We have come adrift of our subject,” she said. “Stand up, you two. Nopony can truly master the Royal Canterlot Voice from a seated position.”
Twilight hopped to her hooves, while Cadance groaned and stood up. “Back to shouty time,” she muttered.
Luna's ears twitched. “It is not a matter of shouting, Mi Amore Cadenza, it is a matter of projection.” She quickly sketched a pony onto the blackboard and drew big fat arrows pointing at the belly. “Sound does not come from the throat, or the front of the lungs, but rather from the very core of your princessly being! Close your eyes, focus your mind on your gut, and repeat after me: DEAR CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA, WE BID THEE WELCOME!”
“Dear citizens of Equestria, We bid thee welcome!” Twilight shouted.
“Dear citizens of Equestria, We bid thee welcome!” Cadance shouted. “Let us take up no more of your precious time!”
Luna merely arched one eyebrow, and said, “It's 'thy precious time,' Cadance.”
“Yes, it is my precious time,” Cadance responded with a nod. “I need to buy an apron and get back to the Crystal Empire before dark, so can we please wrap things up?”
“Then I suggest you bend your efforts to making progress with the Royal Canterlot Voice,” Luna replied archly.
“No aprons!” Twilight interjected.
“Now,” Luna continued, “Repeat: WE WOULD HAVE NO STRICTURES OF FORMALITY BETWIXT THEE AND US.”
Cadance's eyes crossed. “What?”
“We are telling Our loyal subjects to relax in Our presence,” Luna explained.
Twilight frowned. “Umm, actually Princess, I didn't want to say anything, but you keep using 'thee' and 'thou' as plural forms; but they've always been singular forms of address. You should be saying 'you' and 'ye' instead. I think you might be treating them similarly to the 'Royal We,' so to speak, but they don't actually work that way."
Luna's brow clouded with annoyance. “Ever have We said it thus.”
“Indeed, dear sister,” came a voice of warm sunlight. “But your Cantrish always was a little odd.” Celestia stepped into the classroom, brightening the atmosphere with her very presence. Twilight spun to face her with a squee of delight.
“Sister? What brings you here?” Luna asked. “My class is unruly enough as it is.”
Celestia laughed. “I heard a great tumult of shouting, and thought I should investigate.”
Luna harrumphed. “Twilight Sparkle requires instruction in the Royal Canterlot Voice. As, it turns out, does Cadance. Sister, how could you be so irresponsible in her education?!”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Oh, Luna, nopony uses the Royal Canterlot anymore anyway.”
Luna stomped her hoof. “Nevertheless, it is not fitting that a princess be incapable of it!” She raised her nose and huffed, “You are always like this, Tia! You just do what you like and never think about the future! You... you are a frivolous, scatterbrained pony!”
Celestia held a hoof to her mouth, stifling a giggle. Twilight, however, stared at Luna, scandalized. A certain level of good-natured ribbing among sisters might be natural, but for Princess Luna to characterize Celestia in a manner so... so completely and objectivly contrary to reality was beyond sufferance! Twilight could no more let it pass than she could round pi down to a mere two decimals.
“Princess Luna,” she began, “I can't believe you would say such a thing! You of all ponies should know Princess Celestia is not frivolous and she certainly isn't scatterbrained. She's the cleverest pony in Equestria. She has stratagems within schemes within subterfuges! Why, she... she's practically a master of eleventh-dimensional chess!”
There was a moment of silence. Then both Celestia and Luna burst into raucous laughter.
Twilight glowered at the unseemly display. “What's so funny? You know it's true! Just think back to the Nightmare Moon incident! Celestia, the moment you knew I was aware of the prophecies of Nightmare Moon's return, you sent me off to Ponyville.”
“Oh,” Luna said dryly, “that certainly proves it.”
“Twilight,” said Celestia, “every two-bit crazy who ever heard of her had some kind of prophecy about Nightmare Moon's return. As soon as I saw you dipping into that level of nuttiness, I knew I had to pry you from your stuffy chambers and get you out somewhere making friends.”
“Exactly!” Twilight nodded with a grin. “Friends who were potential Elements of Harmony, precisely the friends I would need if I were to challenge Nightmare Moon." She paused for a moment, her brow furrowing. "Oooh, I wonder for how many generations you manipulated their bloodlines to produce the perfect candidates?” Twilight looked positively giddy at the thought.
Celestia drew her head back, appalled. “Twilight, what an awful thing to imagine! And if I were relying on your friendships to save everyone, I should have given you more than a day to make them! You six barely knew each other when Nightmare Moon returned.”
“No, that was all part of the plan, Princess,” Twilight insisted. “As Nightmare Moon witnessed us forging our friendships, she would be reminded of her own desire for friends, and her heart would soften. Remember? She went from trying to kill us to trying to split us apart.”
Celestia shook her head. “Twilight, really, I had no deep strategies or anything of the sort. I honestly wasn't expecting her. I mean, it was so long; who keeps track of which anniversary it is over ten centuries?”
Twilight stomped her hoof. “It was the thousandth year! I told you it was the thousandth year!”
Celestia's ears drooped sheepishly. “I thought you meant it was coming up in the next decade or so, not in a few days!”
Luna nodded. “It is true, Tia had no idea. I'm not proud of what I did as Nightmare Moon, but the expression on her face when I materialized before her? Priceless.”
“I was pooping cinder blocks, Twilight,” Celestia agreed.
Twilight stared at the two of them in disbelief. “No no no no no! What about the Discord incident, when you knew just when to send my Friendship Reports to me to remind me of the bonds I share with the others?”
Celestia's face colored. She looked away.
Luna snickered. “Oh Twilight, you should have seen her. She barely kept it together while you were with her; as soon as you left she had a complete meltdown. She was turning the place upside-down trying to find her old love letters.”
Twilight tilted her head in confusion. “Love... letters?”
“It was a long time ago!" Celestia squawked. "I was immature and foolish! How was I to know he'd turn out to be such a jerk?” She stared at the floor and pouted sullenly.
Luna gave Twilight a conspiratorial wink. “She was trying to find the old letters to get rid of them, but she kept turning up your reports, so she started sending those back to Spike to get them out of the way.”
Celestia interrupted, “Can we talk about something else?”
Luna gave a sly look, and said, “Maybe we could talk about how clever my sister was at Cadance's wedding.”
“Oh please no,” Celestia groaned.
Twilight glared back at Luna. “She was clever!” she insisted. “After I tried to break up the wedding, she told me 'You have a lot to think about.' She was right! I hadn't shown evidence or substantiated any of my claims! I needed ironclad proof before I started making accusations! That's what she was telling me—not that I was wrong, but that I had to think it through step by step and make a case through indisputable facts!”
Celestia stared at her and gave an unsteady laugh. “Twilight, I was mad that you were ruining Cadance's special day.”
Twilight squeezed her eyes shut and started shaking her head, with increasing vehemence. “No, no, no! Princess Celestia is the smartest pony in Equestria! She has plans and fallback plans and counterplans and don't tell me she doesn't know what she's doing because she DOES TOO KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING AND ANYONE WHO SAYS SHE DOESN'T IS PROBABLY BEING TRICKED INTO MAKING A MISTAKE BY HER CLEVER SUBTERFUGES BECAUSE PRINCESS CELESTIA IS WISE AND CLEVER AND PERFECT AND NEVER MAKES MISTAKES!”
The room froze into a stunned silence. Celestia's mane slowly drifted back into place from being blown straight behind her by the force of Twilight's shouting, and a thin shower of plaster dust sifted down from a newly opened crack in the ceiling.
Twilight's eyes widened in horror as she realized she had just bawled out the twin rulers of Equestria. She was going to be sent back to magic kindergarten—no, she'd be lucky if that was all she had to face! Magic preschool! Magic preschool preparation classes! All on its own, and by dint of long practice, her body began the soothing ritual of hyperventilation.
It was Luna who broke the silence—by clapping her hooves against the floor in applause. “Well done, Twilight Sparkle! Very well done. You see? You are eminently capable of the Royal Canterlot Voice after all! You need but focus on your diction, and you shall master the art in short order.” She gave a well-satisfied smile.
“Unlike,” she added, “my other pupil, who would appear to lack any desire to advance herself.”
Cadance snorted. “I have a definite desire to advance myself to an apron store, and then all over my husband, if you know what I mean,” she shot back.
But Twilight barely heard. Her breathing had changed from the bad sort of hyperventilation to the good sort of hyperventilation. She fluttered her new wings and rose from the floor, forehooves pressed to her mouth as an irrepressible grin spread across her face.
“Princess Celestia, you're brilliant!” she cried out. “You just did it again, didn't you?!”
Celestia glanced away from the gathering storm between Cadance and Luna, and looked uncertainly at Twilight.
“All that nonsense about you being scatterbrained and winging it through every crisis,” Twilight continued, “it was all just a ruse! Another of your ploys, to help me learn the Royal Canterlot Voice! Oh Princess Celestia, you're the most wonderfully devious princess ever!” She buzzed around Celestia, flying circles of delight around the princess. Celestia's jaw hung slackly open.
Luna took a deep breath and attempted to regain control over her classroom. With a quintessential rendition of the Royal Canterlot Voice, she declared, “THIS IS NO PLACE FOR FOALISH SHENANIGANS! SETTLE DOWN, EVERYPONY!”
And that's when Cadance's spitball struck the Princess of the Night square between the eyes.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Glimmerglaze · 6.5k words · 625 6 · 7.6k views
- anowack · 10k words · 1,845 23 · 27k views
- MidnightDancer · 10k words · 957 10 · 14k views
- Wages of Sin · 34k words · 491 20 · 7.2k views
- HermitKlam · 27k words · 680 17 · 15k views
- Causal Quill · 33k words · 329 10 · 4.3k views
- Lady Grey · 2k words · 434 5 · 6.1k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.227 seconds
Total duration
601 users online
875,718 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
... This is hilarious. +fav.
I laughed a bunch, so you win a
This amuses me.
You have earned a Level in the Art of Funny. Good Job.
Ah, the Celestia problem… she really should know to just nod along and take credit.
Oh man...last line is priceless. I love how you leave Luna's reaction to that up to the reader, it makes it that much funnier.
2199876
No, no, I'm sure Twilight had it all right at the end!
2200025
I figure the cover art happens 10 seconds after that last line.
Hee hee hee.
Cute story
Bwahah, all my giggles.
Aside from the formatting issue with the spacing, a very cute little story.
Actually, I like the thought of unprepared!Celestia and that Twilight is actually organising the world-saving thing all on her own. The mental breakdown when she realises that she has actually been carrying Equestria on her small shoulders for years would be quite funny to watch.
Trollestia lives!
LOVED IT
That's the best way I can express how I feel about this story.
TOTAL WIN!!!!
This was amazing, you have set a high bar for Twilicorn fics indeed.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3851-1332283623948.gif
My sides...
i can't help but think of the cover picture after the last sentence.
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/87580.png?1362190066
Fav and thumbs up despite my preferring Genius!Celestia VERY much. She even said so at the end of episode 2.
2221640
Oh gosh, she did, didn't she?
It's, uhh... cute how she tries to cover for herself, isn't it?
2226841
Eh.... I prefer to overlook that little bit of canon when reading this story, rather than say that Celestia would violate Honesty in such a fashion.
Cadence is hilarious in this fic.
MORE OH SWEET JESUS CHRIST MORE
That was beautiful. I am so tired of fics that overplay Celestia's apparent omniscience, going in the exact opposite direction was exactly the breath of fresh air I needed... even if you did overplay it perhaps a teensy weensy bit on the Discord scenario! From one swing of the pendulum to the other, as it were, so I guess that balances things out in the overall fic meta.
Regardless, perfectly hilarious in all respects, lively and guffaw-inducing without much OOC, surprisingly.
Now let's have another chapter where we find out whatever Cadance's RCV trigger is, eh?
There is no higher praise.
I like Twilight Sparkle's reaction. Been dragged into the attack of head canon when expressing a contrary or minority opinion. I dislike the "my opinion is right and yours is just dumb" argument. Sometimes the latter is correct but those times just make me feel sad.
I'm so happy to see a story where Celestia isn't so omniscient and scheming as Twilight makes her out to be! Absolutely hilarious, well done! You get a +fav and a follow.
I liked it well enough, but Princess Cadenza felt really out of character to me. Like she felt like a gum-chewing delinquent sex maniac which is mostly contrary to, like, every scene she's been in ever.
2393766
2716285
Heh, yeah, I'd seen enough of the Celestia, Master of Batman Gambits theme to want to poke some fun at it.
2716445
You aren't the first to make that criticism. In my defense, I think show-Cadance lacks much presence to begin with--mostly she exists in the background (Crystal Empire, which ought to have had good character stuff for her, but just left her wilting in distress), or appears to showcase some other pony (Rarity doing her hair in Games Ponies Play.) So I feel she's still a fairly blank slate for character portrayal.
That said, we know Twilight regards her as the world's best foalsitter, by which I took her to be fun in an irreverent way (since that would make my world's best babysitter list.) And I was thinking of her not so much as "sex maniac" as "newlywed," which ties into her annoyance at having to take time out to learn the RCV, a skill she would regard as being outside her "official domain," as it were, of love.
I was hoping I'd give her a bit more lively a personality without overstepping what the show gives us, but maybe I've gone right off the deep end.
Great lolz I was having to control myself reading this. Consider it added to the main folders of Twilight's Library
You, my good sir, are very good.
Nice story.
2716747 Well think about it: she's Twilight Sparkle's favorite foal sitter. When she was a filly. Seriously, do you remember what she does for fun? And she was a kid--which means Cadence was probably fun to play with and was up for reading and fun conversation and doing what Twilight wanted. That's all it really takes to be super awesome.
Furthermore, she is not a blank slate in the show. There's definitely a lot of leeway with her character since it hasn't been showcased--but that doesn't mean whatever you want can be in character. Would the Cadence in this story prove to Twilight who she was by doing the "sunshine" dance? Would she have ever participated in the sunshine dance to begin with? I guess what it comes down to is that the Cadence here comes off as very sarcastic and "above" things. She comes off as inauthentic--which sort of comes off as teenager-y and out of character since there is nothing that Cadence is portrayed as if not genuine.
2226841 You know, I think we can overlook that. The number of times I've said "All planned!" in League of Legends after getting caught out of position but netting my team a kill or three. I like the idea of Celestia being a little clueless, enough to call that thing in episode 2 her own "all planned".
I approve of this fic.
Now we need the follow-up chapter wherein Cadance reveals that she is the cunning mastermind who has been manipulating Twilight's destiny. After all, the hoof that rocks the cradle...
Reminds me of a certain story...
Twilight´s willing blindness regarding Celestia´s incompetence reminds me this quote from "Small Gods":
2393766
"Dear sister, this seems like a plan only a fool would engage in!"
"Oh, hush. Lecturing her obviously isn't going to help her learn the Royal Canterlot Voice, so now we're doing it MY way."
Luna flies in to Cadance's room with a glamour spell that makes her look like Queen Chrysalis. She grabs Shining Armor and flies off as fast as she can. Cadance screams, in true Royal Canterlot Voice, "NOT MY HUSBAND ,YOU BITCH!" The ensuing blast of energy could be described by gamers as a "Hyper Beam", which did unfortunately singe off a good portion of Shining's mane, but absolutely pulverized Luna.
2717628
Yes? She gets along with Twilight fine. It's Luna who is the oil to her water. She's not cynical, she's just having a bit of a spat with Luna.
I do appreciate your critique. I can see I'll need to lay more groundwork if I'm tempted to depict her like this in the future.
2721465
Celestia hauls her sister back to the Canterlot infirmary, coughing at the occasional wisp of smoke. "That could have gone better," she says.
"Did you hear her?" wheezes Luna. "Magnificent! I think I really have a knack for teaching."
The ending. Was. Perfect.
Enjoy these my good sire!
2725832
If only there was a Starswirl the Bearded face. Ahhhh, good times.
there are no words(except for the ones i am typing)
Glorious!
MOUSTACHE SPELLS FOR EVERYPONY!
3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058
2393766 Agreed. 'Omniscient' Celestia always struck me as more of a manipulative jerk (and a perfect manipulative jerk, at that) than someone who actually cared about other ponies. While I would admit that Celestia is an expert chessmaster, portraying her as a wise and caring ruler who is still imperfect makes her a much more interesting and compelling character than someone who flawlessly predicts every possible outcome in advance.
beards everywhere!
I can totaly see cadence as a "this is BOREING! Lets go do something fun" kinda pony
Especially when she is around friends and away from her responsibilities
Do all of Celestia's students develop crushes on her, or is Luna just ribbing Twilight by comparing her to him?