• Member Since 21st Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen February 27th

ForlanceAbice


A cynical old dog of the fandom who has become apathetic to the state of things. Still willing to give a debate if an ear listens and willing to return tactful courtesty. Stories currently cancled.

T
Source

Applejack is a simple pony. But a hard working one. Working day in and day out, she provides for her family in a good, honest way. She would not have it any other way.

Spitfire is a Wonderbolt. A damn good one at that. At least, that was until recently.

Now she is going to bring a whole heap of trouble to Applejack's doorstep.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 113 )

... Great.... All that work was for naught...
Just great... So much for any chance of getting read.
Oh well. Better do something about the first chapter or letdown squat.

Tally ho:ajbemused:.

Thumbs up for being one of a handful of spitfire ship fics that don't pair her with RD or Soarin.

Dayum, this is an intresting ship...a very intresting one indeed... :raritywink:

It's certainly an interesting pairing, but you need a proof reader. As soon as possible. I saw a number of places that you switched tense mid sentence, glaring grammatical errors, and a number. of redundant descriptions; "cold as a frozen icicle", for example.

Also, Applejack's dog is named Winona.:ajbemused:

2122249 A proof reader? Believe me, I searched high and low for one. As for the other criticisms that you have pointed out... Yeah, I understand all too well how glaring they are, so I have to make up the bulk of that in sheer volume. I am desperate, but I am out of options.:facehoof:

Edit: ... Great... How did I miss that spelling error?
Whelp, at least I have the proper name now. Hopefully there won't be anymore of those errors in the future.
As for grammar.... I can guarantee you that it will suffer throughout the story. I suppose that it might be due to how I look
at language in general and how I perceive it's usage in everyday life. To me, the main objective of language in general is to
convey an idea, to communicate needs and desires to fellow humans, and generally makes things more efficient in general.
As long as the main idea is conveyed, I usually don't mind the grammar errors as much, though I do encourage the proper
use of the language's grammar at all times.

Clearly that is not the case as this chapter demonstrates. I'll take your advice and redouble my efforts to snag myself a proof reader...
But I am not sure who to use in the proof reading group that we have here on the site... And somehow I got myself banned from the Editor's Group. I can only assume that my cynical additude has gotten me more trouble than it is worth here on the site at some point in time.

2122155 I've seen one other one that ships her with Pinkie Pie. Heck the fact that Spitfire is being paired up with somepony other than Rainbow Dash or Soarin is the reason why decided to give this fic a shot. :eeyup:

Seems like it's off to a good start. :pinkiesmile:

2123004

I read one where she was being shipped with AJ even though the primary focus was Twidash, sadly for the life of me I can't recall the name of it.

good sir this story is excellent

AppleFire? Do continue. :ajsmug:

2123004>>2122155 Bravo to that. Spitfire is an interesting character for me, mainly due to how I have seen Applejack shipped with Soarin most of the time. But I have been inspired to ship her with Applejack, mainly due to the depictions on deviantART shipping her with Applejack. One whizbang later, and voila! You have this fanfic right here.

Here is the group that I have created for this shipping specifically.
http://applejackxspitfire.deviantart.com/ In it, you'll find the few artists who actually use this shipping.

th08.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2012/094/2/d/applefire__by_jinyaranda-d4v0g3d.jpg
By JinYaranda.

And th03.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/097/5/8/ready_for_a_ride__by_furor1-d4vd798.png
By furor1. Speaking of whom, has a shipping fic on hiatus that ships Spitfire with Twilight Sparkle of all mares, one of the main inspirations of shipping her with Applejack, the other being "What Would Daring Do?" Here is the fic of the TwiFire ship. Be warned, it has been on hiatus for some time, and it is unlikely the author will continue it unless there is a sudden surge in popularity for it. The reasons for this varies from Writer's Block to general life getting in the way of things, including collage.
By the way, here is that fic that I was talking about. http://furor1.deviantart.com/art/Taming-Fire-chapter-1-255495062

2123272 Excellent? :ajbemused: Hardly, at least compared to the caliber of some of the better known stock on this site.
In contrast, this fanfic doesn't even scratch the surface in terms of quality. I have to mainly make up the main bulk of it in sheer quantity in order to have any sense of quality, and even then it sometimes falls flat on it's face. Doesn't help that the update schedule for my fics in general is usually spontaneous and sporadic. That, and the general lack of what format of outline I should use when creating stories doesn't help the matter much at all. Even with the extensive research I have done using Google and TVtropes, (Read: Months worth of it.) I haven't found anything much to my liking nor style, at least nothing solid that I can honestly work with. So I have to lump these techniques all together and hope for the best when creating my shoddily lopped together outline.

Doesn't help when my ADD goes into effect and I end up becoming distracted, instead of focusing my efforts to creating the actual story. Also, laziness... Lots of it too... You can thank this very site for that. :facehoof: You are tearing me apart FimFiction! :raritydespair: Curse you and your quality reading material updating when I am in the middle of creating something! :raritycry:

2123004>>2123040 Wait... Mind giving me the link to those stories if possible? Failing that, describe what they were about in detail and I could try searching for them. I usually can go on a manhunt for them if I have garnered enough interest to actually drive me to muster the effort.

2123494 Wilco! Just give me a few months or two to create the plot. I am formalizing this as I go.... Yeah, I know what some of you superior writers out there are thinking. Can't say I can help it though. At least I am using a hybrid version of this, creating an outline for ideas and possible plot points and formats for everything, ranging from sentence structures and how to descriptions. (Do you have ANY idea of how long I have been search for a guide on how to write engaging organic dialogue fluently?)

2128950

I'll see if I can't somehow dig it up.

Edit: Here it is. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2097/time-in-equestria Be warned that the Spitjack is very much a secondary ship to the primary Twidash.

2128950 I can't remember the title but it involes Spitfire getting drunk at I believe Rainbow Dash and Soarin's wedding. She passes out and Pinkie Pie cares for and Spitfire starts to realize she has feelings for Pinkie Pie. It only has I believe 3 or 4 chapters.

“”Wait a sec, is that-.... Big Mac, you see that yellow thing out there?"

BULL!
Two many ", only thing I'm going to say.
But the story is great. Waiting for more...
Why not.

Lending a Help Hoof

Help Hoof should be Helping Hoof.

Applejack looked out the window of her home, wearing a scowl with genuine irritation. She was barely able to see the orchard through the thick white frost. A red stallion slowly lugged his way next to the apple farmer and slowly settled down, gazing out into the howling abyss.

Taking a look at these lines: "Wearing a scowl with genuine irritation" is an awkward, telling-not-showing way to phrase this. Scowling in and of itself implies irritation, sos something more along the lines of "Applejack looked out the window of her home, a dark scowl cemented on her face" would give off the same vibe in a way that gives the reader more to work with.

A red stallion slowly lugged his way next to the apple farmer and slowly settled down

is cumbersome on several accounts. Lugging means carrying something heavy, like a cart or a sack of potatoes. The verb you're looking for here would be more along the lines of Ambled, Moseyed, Shuffled, Meandered, or some other verb that describes walking in a relaxed way. The other probelm I have with this sentence is calling Mac a large red stallion. If you're going to describe him that much, you might as well use his name. It's not like there's any other large red stallions who live on the acres. If you don't want to use his name, which is fine, I'd suggest referring to him as Applejack's brother.

“Looks like the storm is picking up a mighty fierce one. You have to wonder what them boneheaded pegasi at the Cloudsdale manage to screw up this time.”

This first sentence doesn't have the right grammar for what you're trying to put across. Either change it to Looks like this storm will be a mighty fierce one, or, and this is what I think you're going for, Looks like this storm is picking up to be a mighty fierce one. And, this is totally a matter of personal taste, I see Earth Ponies like Applejack referring to Pegasi as featherbrained. Take that or leave it.

“Eeeyup.” A low baritone bellowed in reply.

Bellowing describes an angry shouting. I appreciate that you're trying to get away from he said, she said, he said madness, but I'd recommend checking the alternate verbs in a dictionary online or something as a general rule. Here, Droned, Intoned, or Agreed would all be better choices.

Applejack sighed as she made her way back to the living room. She sat next to Wionna, who was resting peacefully. Snuggled up next to her was Applebloom, whose hoof hanged off the side.
A small smile found it's way to Applejack's muzzle. Never did that stop being cute, both filly and pony's best friend tucked together in a warm embrace under the blanket.

Check spelling on Winona. Hanged, in that verb tense, normally is reserved for executions and nooses. The one you're looking for is hung. The sentence "A small smile found it's way to Applejack's muzzle" is a little weird in its passive tense. I'd recommend changing it to something more like A small smile flickered across Applejack's muzzle or Applejack found a small smile on her muzzle. Applejack's smile was the one doing the finding in the sentence you have right now, which is just wrong. Similarly, "Never did that stop being cute" is a clunky little sentence fragment. Word flow would be smoother with something like The sight of her little sister and her loyal little friend tucked together in a warm embrace under the blanket never stopped being cute. A small change like that would make the sentence have some forward motion and lead the reader on to wherever you plan to take them next.

“Well, hopefully the damage to the barn ain't gonna put a dent in our savings.”
Then she heard a loud bang coming from the direction of the red barn.

Combine these two lines into one.

It was then that Applejack's eye caught Big Macintosh looking out the window, with a small frown. Big Macintosh never frowned unless there was a really good reason to, such as when Applejack wiped herself out from trying to harvest the whole orchard by herself, only to end up causing even more problems than fixing them, such as causing a bunny stampede to devour all the food products in the market.

A couple things stood out with " Applejack's eye caught Big Macintosh looking out the window, with a small frown." Once again, It sounds like Applejack's eyeball is the one making decisions here. There's also some incorrect comma usage. Consider changing to something like From the corner of her eye, Applejack could see Big Macintosh looking out the window with a small frown.
The other thing is that most people have probably seen Applebuck Season, so you don't need to put the nitty-gritties in here. Axe the red bits above.

I will finish this later, but I need to eat something before class... Hope this is a helpful start.

2147420 By Luna... My skills are lacking, that much is clear to me in your comment.
It is a wonder I managed to get anything right. As for the he, she, or what have you said, apparently there is a point of over doing the descriptions.

The trick is to find a balance between the word said and other descriptions...
I guess this might be due to me being blunt as a heavy hammer. Short, dull, but straight to the point.
It doesn't make for very engaging wordcraft, but it get's the job done I suppose.

2147442.... the real thing is that I get OCD about grammar and stuff. This has great potential, and I'll hopefully finish the chapter tonight when I have more time. Gotta run, though.

I rather enjoyed the story. I do not really look for rrors, if I like the story I like the story. I could never say why but meh. I hope you keep it going

2128950 um okay I was going by my opinion and hey I have ADHD so no crying over it

Like it. I hope to see more chapters soon. :twilightsmile:

2148627 Who said I was mate? Just saying that I know that I can improve. Just need a little patience and elbow grease.

2147456 Aye, I don't mind that. Ironic considering that as INTP, we're supposed to be absolutely fanatical about this sort of thing.
I suppose it depends on your perspective on language. For me, the objective is to convey a common sense of understanding between at least two individuals. If that is accomplished, then you are good. Though I still encourage the use of good grammar and spelling skills.

It could be said that I am absolutely paranoid over scenic descriptions in this story, always cautious and careful to convey the proper message without knowing what my words could invoke. I can see the scene in my eye, but can the reader see something similar? The problem is that there really isn't any generator thingie to produce a visual to my word automatically, so I have no idea what the reader see's in my story. At that point, I get paranoid. Some artist impression would be nice to have as a bonus. But as each to their own, we each come one step closer to our goal, bit by bit.

Another thing would to have something to compare and contrast with. I know there are numerous fics out there, but some how to guide or what have you when facing writer's block would be ideal indeed.

2148053 2150032
Much obliged dear sirs.
I appreciate your flattering words. Though I still have a long way to go, and I am notorious for veeeery slow update speeds, assuming I actually do update something.

2151259
slow or not, updates are updates mate ^^

Comment posted by Midnight herald deleted Feb 28th, 2013

Hey, so I'm back, and we'll see what I get this time.

Oh for Pete sakes Mac, what no-” She stopped as her words died in halfway out her throat.
Whatever made up the broadside of the barn previously had been reduced to nothing more than a pile of splinters and plywood. A large hole had been punched through the support beams near the left entrance.

For Pete sakes should be for Pete's sake. A style thing, but I'd recommend having AJ's dialogue go more like "Oh, for Pete's sake, Mac, what... no -" simply for formatting details. It reads better if you use ellipses for pauses instead of more commas. Also, her words died in halfway out her throat should be As her words died out in her throat.

"All that hard work, all for nothing." Applejack thought with utter dismay. A forehoof pressed against her head as she felt the beginnings of a headache already forming.

The period after nothing should be a comma.

Squinting to make sure that she wasn't seeing things, sure enough, somepony had apparently crashed into the barn.

This lovely sentence ia fragment. Rewriting it to something along the lines of Applejack squinted to make sure that she wasn't seeing things; sure enough, somepony had apparently crashed into the barn would fix that. There just needs to be an active verb form in there somewhere.

Then she mentally slapped herself. What was she thinking? There is a pony out there for Pete sake!
Whatever thoughts Applejack had were dashed quite literally when she saw that Winnoa had bolted out the door.

There is a pony out there for Pete sake! should really be italicized, since it's in thought form. There's also another Pete sake in there, which should once again be Pete's sake. And Wionna should be spelled Winona. This is a pretty standard thing throughout the chapter, so a simple find/replace should catch it.

She sent a secret prayer of thanks to Rarity for getting her hat it's own tie. Wionna yipped as she pawed at the rubble

It's should be its here.

I seem to be doing this more sporadically than I thought I would be, and I'm sorry about that. I'll do another chunk this evening if all goes well...

I feel bad for AJ now. She's getting treated like Rainbow would do to Spits :rainbowlaugh:

"Eeyuuup, ever since she came down here to Ponyville along with Fluttershy. Heh, she was so defensive about even me asking her name, with a rowdy temper to boot. We didn't exactly start off on the best hoof."

"It all started when we had an argument over who was the better athlete. I didn't mind her all that much till she claimed that she could probably buck my apple trees better than I could. Course, I couldn't let that challenge go unanswered. Poor Shy was so nervous and jittery that she thought we were going to kill each other. So we set up a competition of bucking twenty apple trees in a minute's time."

"I managed to clear my set of trees in about forty three seconds. Rainbow on the other hoof was still stuck on her first tree after five minutes. She was so stubbornly insistent that I had to pull her off. She told me that the trees were broken, that they were rigged."

"Believe me, she is a lot more tame than she was when a first met her. Believe it or not, she accepted me as a friend on the spot after I treated her over to some cider. Claimed that I was good enough to be her rival, saying that all ponies like her needed a good nemesis. It only went further when ah helped her build up Shy's home."

All of these quotes sound like the perfect idea for an episode. Of course some things would need to be changed.

Guess that just goes to show how well you wrote this. :pinkiehappy:

2213581 ... That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me....
And I actually nailed it? I actually managed to write something that wasn't complete rubbish patch?

2152925
My followers and what not know that to be true =3

That's an awesome, poor AJ she has her own fangirl now! I can't wait for the next chapter, keep up the great work! :ajsmug:

2216287>>2217152 If you gentlemen wouldn't mind, your comments on the story's strengths and weaknesses would be most appreciated. :trixieshiftright:

2217405
Give me time to wake up before i start pointing stuff out :rainbowwild:

2217852 ... You have two hours. Do not fail me. :ajbemused:
Or I will stick "Lucky" on you.

2218954 Someday....

In other words, I have completed the first quarter part of the next chapter.
It should hit here by either this week or the next. Hopefully anyhow...
And I am still waiting for your feedback. :ajbemused:

And before you say it, I know that the second chapter is filled full of holes.
I haven't exactly gotten it entirely proofread yet, unfortunately enough.

2217152 Eeeyup. Wait till Rainbow Dash of all ponies get's word of this....
Actually, forget I said anything, it probably wouldn't involve...


Care Bears.....

2224277 Then find some bloody time to review.
I need holes poked into this ship! ... Pun intended.
I need to know what continuity errors are out there.

Fill it full of bullet holes.

2224309
I've read it, but not close enough to review. Just wait until I get done being sick and as random as pinkie pie

I am fuly enjoying the way the story is going so far. The side story about AJ's Pa is a nice touch to help flesh out and help add a little filler, having spitfire go all fanfilly was a good touch, I was grinning like a mad man to be honest. When granny went all protective mother hen the thoughts of 'ohhhhh shit....' popped into my mind. I feel the pace is good. You are not dragging anything out, and you are giving wonderful details. I know how spitfire feels about getting sharp shit pulled out of your backside...I tripped and landed butt first onto a patch of cacti...yeah not fun... then the memory of being canned from her position, I feel it will be able to help give a few more of these moments where AJ feels the need to protect spitfire. That being said I can just see spits settled up against AJ sound asleep and AJ acting someone like a guardian to the wounded mare. Then again that is sorta already happening ya?

2240227 Meh, I suppose. Truth be told, I think I might have jumped the gun a bit early here. Usually the stories I see build the tension up a bit longer before snapping the rope that hold's back the sling.

2240291
Well in my mind I am able to see a few paths to help you build up the tension. The whole deal with Spits leaving the wonderbolts. That can be used to help make a fair amount of stress. Thent he side story of AJ's pa. I can see that maybe making more static between AJ and Spits than anything else. Then there is the whole teasing Spits for being a fan filly of AJ's.

2240326 True. I wonder how I shall implement them further on thought... Hmmm.

2240385
Well what ever you think of I look forward to it

Spitfire looks bigger m'kay.

Seems like a fun premise (also damn that giant description), but yeah. You've already heard from the others about the need of a proofer.

2240437 ....
Explain this.... Comment...

2240442 What can I say? Subtlety simply isn't a concept for me. Have a Luna.

And believe me... There is no one that is available to proof read this...

Consarn it. I want to next chapter, now. :ajsleepy:

2242701 Be patient young grasshopper. Good things come to all who wait...
In the meantime, would it be possible to hold you at gunpoint to force you draw art for my stories until the end of time, is it?
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120218001808/halo/images/5/50/Rarity_pursing.png
If not, then I shall use this Weeping Frog of Mass Chaotic Cute Impulse Kill Disorder Making Pup.
Or WFCCIKDMP for short.

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