Cloudline Dasher
Joined 12th Dec, 2012 ·
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I can dig it. Thumb and a fave from this guy.
This is interesting to say the least. Imma watching it now.
A good start in my opinion. Though Rarity saying that he should think about getting a herd makes me wonder if this will become a heram sory. Nothing against them, in fact I like them. Just wondering.
By the way, there are no dashes in any of the mane sixes names. Either one word, or two. So it is Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.
Good luck with all of your endeavors, and hope you continue.
Critique 1: A few spelling and grammar mistakes, but everyone has those. You seem to hate commas though, as many of the sentences you have written do not make much grammatical sense without them. IE...
This seems to be rather odd from a grammatical standpoint without commas. Of course, the incorrect word usage also kills it.
It just sounds better. Also, something like this for the first paragraph...
Would be better off as...
You want to bring the person into the story, make them experience it. The very commonly used phrase "Show, don't Tell"
Critique 2: Don't use the term Mane Six when referencing Twilight and her friends, except in Author's Notes, unless this is a Brony in Equestria story. It takes away from the immersion factor of your story. Oh, and don't EVER have the ponies actually say Mane Six. That is just... ugh.
Despite all that, though, I look forward to more!
MOAR
That's if you don't mind
1846128
Thanks, I'll keep all that in mind. Also, you are right. It did sound much better than the way I had it. I will have to run through it again and place commas and I'll redo the parts where they say mane six. Thanks a bunch for the positive criticism!
Nice. Thumbs and fave for this.
It isn't in second person. What is this blasphemy?
Yes, I'm kidding. Keep it coming. I liked this first chapter.
more please.
I quite like the idea, tracking it to keep an eye on it.
You should probably find an editor though, a lot of sentences just sound awkward.
Methinks English isn't your strongest suit, huh?
1848447
Yeah, it would help if I had an editor. The editor I do have doesn't like my little pony fanfics
Your grammar is awful, as well as your spelling. And why do you frequently start new sentences when you need a comma?
Not bad, not good. kinda in the middle. My biggest issue was this.
“I promised the Princess since you were stuck in our world for the moment, the mane six and myself would prepare you to live in our world.”
Somehow I don't believe Twilight would refer to herself and her friends in a brony term, pretty much killed any chance of me getting in to the story right from the get go. It should just be, my friends and I, or something of that sort. Also the second usage of the word, world, is redundant. It could just be "here."
1849913
Yeah you are right, I went and changed it
I am liking this story. Can't wait for another chapter to see where this goes!
For some reason I envisioned the dance scene from Pulp Fiction when reading this. Anyway I see you're a fan of Xenophillia, I like the whole herd thing, and more stories should use it. And I'll echo what everyone has been saying about needing an editor. Well I look forward to your next chapter.
1859695
Yeah, I do need an editor, and yes I am a fan of Xenophilia and this story was inspired by it. Whenever I finish the second chapter I'm gonna thank Xenophilia for inspiring it.
This is too freaking great!
0.0 OMG im loving this so much so far please please continue
1868775
I like your profile pic, so cute!
1868789
I'm glad you like it, I'm hard at work on the third chapter.
Awesome chapter. Keep going!
This story is too good, please keep them coming
Very nice indeed, keep em coming.
I am loveing this story keep it up!
1 word
awesome
"The DAAW is strong with this one!"
My very own quote. (I think...)
Perfect fit for this chapter.
I am really enjoying this story. Keep up the good work.
The story somehow remind me of Xenophilia but only a little but you caan't escape the similarity if you are basin on the same world and character, so i see a it evouling in great story, if only chapters were little longer.
I have no problem with clop whatsoever but glad their taking things one step at a time, adds more to the story and the daww moments aren't bad either; not by a long shot...
damn good one
I love the cover art for Trace.
1874782
Thanks, It took me awhile to finish it
This story is just so captivating! I've read stories such as 'Green' and a list of other good reading articles, but none caught my eye as much as this. I NEED more this story...I'm dieing without it.
Favourited, Thumbed and Followed. Hope to see the next enthralling chapter up soon!
1888473
*giggles* I am so glad you and others are liking my story. I will hopefully have the next chapter up real soon.
Love it
..........
Keep this shit up bro
Two chapters in one day
Man you dont know what you are doing to me guy lol cant wait for more 
Oh yea and one more thing nice to see another member from the "Dasher" family
1889926
Yeah, sorry about that.
and hey, maybe we are distant cousins 
The Dasher Family, wouldn't that be epic? 
Well that escalated quickly.
Very nice, the scene with Applejack was awesome. Had I been in Trace's place, things probably would have gone a bit differently "Ain't that right AJ?"
Sonson, you dirty bastard...
You, I like you now.
FFFUUUUUU QUICK ESCALATION!!! Good coverup with the ponies going into heat though.
Well, so far I enjoyed reading the story. I liked the fact that you didn't make your main character bang everypony in the first chapter, that's a plus
Winter is- I mean, mating season is coming, Trace is going to be busy
If I must say, I am afraid about Lyra, what if she is affected from the heat?
Even if it is a possibility, I guess 2 month and half of stalk can work as an explanation.
BTW this story is good, probably similar to xenophilia, but great anyway.
1892046
To be all honest, Xenophilia inspired this story, the part of female's being in charge was based on Xenophilia, but any other similarities are accidents or I couldn't work around it to make it different from Xenophilia.
Yeah, I really am liking the story. Thumbs up, dude.
The only slight annoyance I have with this is that he seems like that effeminate male friend of the popular girls.
Poor Trace. getting raped left, right and centre it seems.
*read the first few sentence*
Ahem..
I saw that coming