A human, named Trace, is guided by the mane six in learning the pony way. Fitting in is terrifying as everypony seems to be out to get him. Read on as he learns to fit in and ends up fighting off the immense loneliness of being the only human.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can dig it. Thumb and a fave from this guy.
This is interesting to say the least. Imma watching it now.
A good start in my opinion. Though Rarity saying that he should think about getting a herd makes me wonder if this will become a heram sory. Nothing against them, in fact I like them. Just wondering.
By the way, there are no dashes in any of the mane sixes names. Either one word, or two. So it is Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.
Good luck with all of your endeavors, and hope you continue.
Critique 1: A few spelling and grammar mistakes, but everyone has those. You seem to hate commas though, as many of the sentences you have written do not make much grammatical sense without them. IE...
This seems to be rather odd from a grammatical standpoint without commas. Of course, the incorrect word usage also kills it.
It just sounds better. Also, something like this for the first paragraph...
Would be better off as...
You want to bring the person into the story, make them experience it. The very commonly used phrase "Show, don't Tell"
Critique 2: Don't use the term Mane Six when referencing Twilight and her friends, except in Author's Notes, unless this is a Brony in Equestria story. It takes away from the immersion factor of your story. Oh, and don't EVER have the ponies actually say Mane Six. That is just... ugh.
Despite all that, though, I look forward to more!
MOAR
That's if you don't mind
1846128
Thanks, I'll keep all that in mind. Also, you are right. It did sound much better than the way I had it. I will have to run through it again and place commas and I'll redo the parts where they say mane six. Thanks a bunch for the positive criticism!
Nice. Thumbs and fave for this.
It isn't in second person. What is this blasphemy?
Yes, I'm kidding. Keep it coming. I liked this first chapter.
more please.
I quite like the idea, tracking it to keep an eye on it. You should probably find an editor though, a lot of sentences just sound awkward.
Methinks English isn't your strongest suit, huh?
1848447
Yeah, it would help if I had an editor. The editor I do have doesn't like my little pony fanfics
Your grammar is awful, as well as your spelling. And why do you frequently start new sentences when you need a comma?
Not bad, not good. kinda in the middle. My biggest issue was this.
βI promised the Princess since you were stuck in our world for the moment, the mane six and myself would prepare you to live in our world.β
Somehow I don't believe Twilight would refer to herself and her friends in a brony term, pretty much killed any chance of me getting in to the story right from the get go. It should just be, my friends and I, or something of that sort. Also the second usage of the word, world, is redundant. It could just be "here."
1849913
Yeah you are right, I went and changed it
I am liking this story. Can't wait for another chapter to see where this goes!
For some reason I envisioned the dance scene from Pulp Fiction when reading this. Anyway I see you're a fan of Xenophillia, I like the whole herd thing, and more stories should use it. And I'll echo what everyone has been saying about needing an editor. Well I look forward to your next chapter.
1859695
Yeah, I do need an editor, and yes I am a fan of Xenophilia and this story was inspired by it. Whenever I finish the second chapter I'm gonna thank Xenophilia for inspiring it.
The only slight annoyance I have with this is that he seems like that effeminate male friend of the popular girls.
Wow *claps* I'm surprised I immensely enjoyed this chapter, it was pretty well done and as others mentioned the fact you cut past on how he got there and show what matters is good.
It felt satisfying that he gotten some good glances from everyone at the Bar. So gonna read more.
I loved it all so far I can't wait to see what happens next between them all and what happens next to them all.And Trace sound's awesome so far.
Rarity always was a clever one, nice characterization.
And then he wakes up tomorrow morning, with Sweetie Belle on one side of the bed and Crackle The Dragon on the other.
Spirit of Generosity indeed. Rarity would've probably preferred a quieter evening, but went with this to help ingratiate Trace with her fellow Ponies.
Truly, a friend indeed.
Loving it so far. Think I'll just binge read or right to the finish
Seems rather similar to Xenophilia.
6477669
Is that really a bad thing
6477669
I have seen this word refencesed so many times, is it a story or something, if so can I get the link?