• Member Since 19th Sep, 2011
  • offline last seen Last Friday

Celestias Paladin


T

Once upon a time Sombra, the Dark King and Conqueror of the Crystal Empire, was an orphaned colt in the old capital of Xenophon. Adopted by Celestia and taught by the princess he becomes a powerful shadow mage.

Once upon a time Celestia, Princess of Equestria, heard stories of a orphan with a gift of magic. She adopts the colt Sombra as her son and student.

Shadows don't necessarily mean evil, but the path is dark and even the best taught of student can succumb to the taint of Darkness. Teacher and Student face each other for the fate of two nations. Sun and Shadow.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 35 )

:twilightsheepish: Nice story! (Darkrai is the Guardian Counterpart of King Sombra.) Xenophon... what is that?:ajsleepy:

1826599
Point them out, I know grammar check in Word doesn't catch them all. And thanks.
1826602
Thank you, though I am confused about the Darkrai comment. Xenophon is also known as the Ancient Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, well... the city the castle was found in.
1826608
Sorry about that. But can you tell me what you thought of the story?

I really enjoyed this story. Keep up the good work.

dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2205_small.png

Ok here we go:

reeinforments -> reinforcements

There are others but cant remember/didnt copy them tight away. Still a nice "little" story, :pinkiehappy:

1857905
Thank you Doc, and if I remember correctly that was less of my fault and more of Word goofing on me. Let me look for it and fix it. Thanks again.

1857919

It's right at the start, letter from Shining Armor to Celestia.

1857941
Got it ann.....dddd fixed.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Sun and Shadow
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 5
Pros (list three pros)
Celestia's portrayal was very good, touching and one that can be easily sympathized with the audience.
I really liked how you made Sombra her son and student.
I liked your depiction of the use of airships as warships.
Cons (list three cons)
Some grammar/formatting issues are present. You might want to take a detailed look through your fic to go through them.
As with one shot stories that flash back and forth, yours appears to have some unanswered questions and holes within.
You might want to be a little more wordy in your descriptions. They were rather brief.
Notes Section: As I said, a good thorough proofread is required to get rid of some of the issues. You may want to elaborate on some of the incidents in which Celestia was teaching Sombra, just to make us sympathize with him more and understand Celestia's feelings more. Another good thing is that your canon characters were quite in character. As for the descriptions, simple is good, but sometimes I want to know how Celestia looked like when she was facing Sombra, her former student (anguish, rage, or pain). Still, I liked it so have a like and a fav!
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Rembering the Fallen

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors helping Authors

Name of Story: Sun and Shadow

Grammar score out of 10: 5. In places it was fine, in others not so much.

Pros

The concept was great.
I like the idea of Celestia being Sombra’s student.
You fleshed out the pony world well

Cons (list three cons)

The flashbacks were not delineated well enough
The scenes set in the present felt unnecessary
Way, way, WAY too much telling and not enough showing

Notes:

I was really excited to read this because I also want to write a story based on Sombra, and the idea of him being Celestia’s student was a great one. Unfortunately, your execution of this idea leaves a lot to be desired.

This is a story about Celestia’s relationship with Sombra, yes? Currently we see nothing of it. We see one scene where they interact, and it is when Celestia is telling Sombra he is ready to head out on his own. In every other scene, Sombra is the enemy. This robs the ending of any and all impact, because as a reader I have no reason to believe they were ever close or that Celestia ever cared for him. This is a major, major issue. You get so bogged down with details of the world and with retelling the Crystal Empire story that your story-the story of Sombra-is lost.

One thing that plagues this story and contributes to this problem is the idea of telling and showing. You tell your entire story. You tell us that Celestia cares for Sombra, but we never see it. We are never shown Sombra’s flip from good to evil if there was one. We are told minor details about the world, but none of them matter to the actual story.

If I can offer some suggestions, I would retool this fic. Get rid of every scene that takes place in the present except for the final one and focus on the past. Show us that Sombra sees Celestia as his mother. Show us that Sombra is powerful and talented, don’t just tell us that he is a shadow mage. Give us scenes of him learning, and show us his steady descent toward madness. Then you can show us that last scene, and it will have much more of an impact.

Grammar wise, you have quite a few issues. Like Vren said, a good proofread will help, as some of them appear to be typos or dropped words or suffixes. Work on showing scenes instead of telling them, which will help set your readers into your world and understand your story.

This story needs a lot of work, but the concept is good and with some heavy editing I think it can be made a winner.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Journey to Equestria

Aqu

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors helping Authors

Name of Story: Sun and Shadow

Grammar score out of 10: 4. It became a bit difficult for me to read at places, whether from the lack of commas, or other conventions. Even through flashbacks it is possible to stick with the same tense, or make the transition smoother.

Pros

The concept is interesting.
The characters didn't seem out of character
Clear to picture scenes with detail

Cons

The flashback transitions were a little jarring
The present scenes had unnecessary information
Lack of commas had me rereading sentences to understand them

Notes:

This is an interesting original concept. I haven't scene anyone place Sombra as a student. Celestia and Sombra need more interaction. The first scene, before Celestia reads the letter, drags on and seems to have a bit of unnecessary information. I think this idea could do very well if edited with proper grammar, along with streamlining some scenes. Also, if you'd like help, I can edit for you. Copy and paste your story into google docs and send me a message with the link. If you want to, I can help with the grammar.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Iron Vein

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors


Name of Story: Canterlot: Sun and Shadow

Grammar score out of 10: 6.3

Pros:
- The characterisation was fairly decent
- The description was pretty good
- The overall concept was nice

Cons:
- Tenses. You often neglect to use the past tense of a verb. For instance, you may write 'King Sombra has return', when you mean to write 'King Sombra has returned'.
- Lack of commas. There are many places where commas are either needed or suitable for use there, but you have't used them. An example would be 'She can't believe it after 1005 years the Crystal Empire has returned', when it should be 'She can't believe it, after 1005 years, the Crystal Empire has returned.'
- Show vs. Tell. This is something that many authors have trouble with understanding, and that not many people care to explain. Basically, you almost always just state what is happening and what it means. However, it makes it a lot more engaging to the reader if write it so that they make their own conclusions. For instance, instead of, say: 'Jim looked at Bob angrily.', you could make this a lot better by writing it like, 'Jim looked at Bob, a vein pulsing noticeably in his forehead.'. They both tell the reader that Jim is angry, but the second one does it in such a way that the reader gets that idea without you explicitly stating it to be so, this is a lot more interesting and engaging to a reader.

Notes Section:
The concept was pretty decent, and you've written the characters well. My only qualms are with the cons stated above. I would recommend going back through the story and altering a few of the scenes to make them both more descriptive, and more engaging. You should also make sure that you work on those tenses, as they were fairly distracting. If you feel yourself in need of a proofreader, I would recommend checking out the Proofreaders and people willing to proof-read group. Overall though, I believed this to be worthy of another like.


I hope this review has been somewhat useful to you, and I would really appreciate it if you could check out my story: Oldnew Luna
Dan


This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Grammar score : 6. Actually, i didn't find many mistakes but punctation, using Big letters is kinda bad.

Pros
# Characters had good personalities, really fitting.
# Idea of Celestia being teacher to Sombra is not so much original, but well executed.
# Last scene was really good, even if rest of story didn't bring emotion to force tears in this one moment.

Cons
It's incredibly confusing story. You throw a lot of names, cities, flashbacks without major descriptions, fast action, really fast time running. Hard to follow.
Descriptions are poor, mostly with emotions, not with landscape.
It's extremely rushed story, Last Scene probably was this one to bring tears, but rest of story just didn't build any emotion to make it happen.

Notes Section :
Instead of summarum, I just say what you should make better. First ( And Only ) point, make story longer. Descriptions, more stuff related with Celestia -> <- Sombra feelings, some more world-building but do not bring so many names and stuff. This story have potencial, just expand this idea and do some epic stuff.


So yea, that's all. Please help me out by looking at my story: Equestria in Flames

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Grammar score: 7/10
While grammar is not an intense issue there are times when punctuation is missing. The overall structure is a bit confusing but not at all hard to follow. A little more attention to proofreading in the future.
Pros
A very original idea executed in a way that makes the characters dynamic and real.
Elegant prose.
Artistic liberty taken to build upon an established world that improves upon rather than detracts from the MLP universe.
Cons
The structure, while original, seems disjointed and occasionally throws off built-up flow.
An odd mixture of flowery vocabulary and messy grammar gives it a rushed feel.
Some descriptions, while very informative and picturesque, make it feel forced at times.
Notes
My first impression was not entirely a positive one and after the letter I was worried that you would get carried away with making it feel all too true to many military-based works. Fortunately, my fears were assayed but the longer I read the more I felt that characters might have been too far removed from what we’re used to. Change is good, but keep in mind that things are better in moderation. Otherwise, it was a solid piece of work that could have been better.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/41176/roseluck-learns-puns

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Sun and Shadow

Grammar score: 7/10

Pros: First, your story is an original take on Sombra (a villain I do not particularly like from the show). I am very fond of stories that are about the things the show does not elaborate upon. Next, the final scene between Celestia and Sombra was pretty touching, particularly because of the shock reveal. Finally, you have some interesting worldbuilding going on with the Concordiat, Sombra's attempt to gain immortality, and the shadowy alicorn at the end.

Cons: I would have liked to see a little more information given about some of the elements you added to the mythology, which sounded interesting. Also, and this is a pet peeve of mine, but underlined text in stories annoys me. Italics are great. Bold words are okay. But underlines just aren't usually found in short stories and novels.

Notes: An interesting premise. I really love Celestia as a character, so I found the whole idea of Sombra as her son a fascinating one. (I'd read a story where he was her father before, but not the other way around.) It just says so much about the burden of immortality to watch one's children die. But being the son of an immortal gave Sombra motivation to want to attain immortality himself.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, Celestia in Excelsis. (Or the first few chapters, since it's longer than this one.) It's all about Celestia, so I hope you like it. Thank you.:twilightsmile:

I found this story a refreshing take on King Sombra, the final scene brought tears to my eyes a very tough thing to do. Bravo my hat is off to you.

Wow...
First of all, lots of potential. Very good story, seems to have a strong structure built up to it. :scootangel:
Sadly, I was very confused with the flashbacks at first, really seemed to disturb me. (You could have at LEAST titled it 'Flashback') :ajsleepy:
Wow...present tense and past tense? V-e-r-y confusing. Pretty annoying too, I couldn't guess if it was a flashback or not.

Overall score?
7/10
Grammar and tenses need work. Still a very stable story.

2517529
I acknowledge that this is not my best work.

For you first Pro... :pinkiehappy: it just so happens that Stone Vines has a descendant in the current era named Sandy Vines, Sand to his friends, that is Commander of the Canterlot City Watch.

Alright, added to Twilight's Library,

has the Dark King Sombra return?

Past tense, I should think.

And... I can't help but think, when doing lines in two different time periods, particularly when a character is remembering an interaction, the older of the two actions should ALWAYS be presented in past tense... well, unless you're doing a vission-of-the-future dealy, in which case, present tense and future tense should be fine. But either way, you need to make it clear which time period you're speaking in- you want SOME difference between the two, whether it be comentary(celestia opining for a simpler time, wishing she'd made different choices, etc.), or a different tense. Heck, just putting it in italics works- it clearly marks that section of text off as different.

2848857
I've always had trouble with tense, and I would think the line breaks would be enough a hint that the POV has changed or I shifted 1000 years to the past. But did you like it?

2848871

It was an interesting tale, I'll give it that, but the tense kept throwing me off.

And it's good, yes, but it feels off to discuss past events in present tense, and line breaks are often used to simply mean that there is a break between point point A and Point B, such as implying, say, that multiple hours have past between two events, or that we're focus in a different area. When working so intensly with two seperate time periods, and with so many jumps, it's important to make it easy to, at a first glace, identify if a section takes place in the past or the present. Imagine if I read half of this, stepped away for a moment, and came back, having forgotten if I'd finished the last section I was reading, or when it took place, or whatever? Several pasages(Particularly those focused upon similiar topics to previous ones) could make this incredibly confusing.

Basically, when you put in a line break, assume that your reader will take that as a sign to make some tea, and ensure that, if they do so, there will be no confusion, no matter how brief, when they return. *le shrug*. It's why most fics with multiple primary characters either visually show who is being switched to or begin with a line that clearly identifies who the new subject is- even a moment of confusion can detract from the fic as a whole.

On an otherwise unrelated note, you don't use enough comas in conversation. Just because a sentance is only three words long doesn't mean people won't pause, and very few people follow gramatical rules while speaking, especially not confusing ones. Also, you don't always need to have characters clarify things- Cadance responding to 'your husband' with 'shiny?' feels awkward and unreal, because of course she knows who her husband is. Having her respond with something like 'is shining/shiny alright?' would feel more natural, and be a normal reaction for any mare whose husband was in the miltary.

Comment posted by StormLuna deleted Jul 24th, 2013

2926583
Ok... let me try to answer those concerns.
1) TENSE: I've always had a problem with it, but yes I did write the flash backs in present tense. For those sense Celestia is reliving the past, so form her prospective they are the present.

2) MILITARY: If you mean the military after Luna's return, yes they are modern by the standards of fantasy, compared to us they are still over a century behind. Equestria has airship and it stands to reason that the Royal Navy would have them as well.

3) GOVERNMENT: I'm figuring it has to do with both the past and present governments. I will try to explain both.
A) PAST: The Sister may technically lead Equestria but they are considered First Among Equals to the Senators. So yes the Senate does have a lot power since they the heart of the Concordiat's political power.
B) PRESENT: Think like the US government, three separate branches that check each other but the Executive can still do their job even if the Assembly is deadlocked. Yes I removed power from the Princesses but I wanted to avoid accusations of Tyrantlestia

4) CITY NAMES: White Haven (or just Haven) fits, Adamaspolis is Greek and is a stealth pun for the Empire (Adamas is the root word for Diamond) and is also not in Equestria proper, and Xenophon is a stealth horse pun (Xenophon is RL is considered the Father of Western Horsemanship). I try not to use the obvious puns with names.

5) SOMBRA: Ok you will have to explain to me what's illogical about that. Thought I understand the last bit about him reappearing before Celestia when she returns to the Empire, that part was tacked on and I know I could have done better.

With fanfiction I try my damnedest to work within canon lest I render the universe I am working in completely destroyed. Go to far and it's no longer the universe of the series. All I do is fill in the gaps left in canon, and stick as close as I can to canon characterization as Celestia will always be the kind and just ruler that is willing to defend her ponies and her nation.

Comment posted by StormLuna deleted Jul 24th, 2013

2928902
I know that the US doesn't have the perfect government, no nation does. I use them as my basis as it is the government I am most familiar with, though I had to make some changes to make it fit which includes borrowing the House of Lords from the UK. The history of Equestria is different from ours so it stands to reason that the influences on the government would be different as well, and them being ponies instead of humans then society would be different as well.

I am a World Builder even as I use canon as the foundation of my 'verse. I expand up what is said, and not said. I gave the Concordiat not just a government but also a history 2000 years in the making. Canon doesn't say how long Nightmare Moon reign lasted, I gave them a year and half of endless night, canon doesn't say how long Discord's rule lasted so I made it 500 years of disorder and tyranny. Canon shows that Equestria has steam powered locomotives on steel rails 100 miles long, skyscrapers, airships, motion pictures, and possibly a petrol powered automobile. So I see where that would equate to other technologies including the military. Supplemental canon, the Hasbro Map, shows Equestria on a single continent with the other nations across the sea, that mean their is ocean going trade, when there is ocean going trade then their is someone who want to take the trade (ie pirates), and where is pirates then there is a navy to protect those ships. I use logic and canon to build my universe. It is not perfect but it works.

You are throwing around the title of Tyrant willy-nilly, but it makes me wonder one thing. And I know by saying this you will hate more than you already have, but why would Princess Luna want to form a Republic which by definition is not lead by a monarch of any kind. To me she would be worse than Tyranlestia and the Solar Empire for she is not being up front about her dictatorship and is willing to tear about Equestria for over slights that may or may not even exist.

Think about what I said very carefully before responding, but let it be know I do not support the Republic or the Empire. My allegiance is the United Equestria and the Twin Thrones of the Sun and Moon.

What's this? I never asked for this feel. Also

Commander Leonidas Hurricane

THIS! IS! EQUESTRIA!

3159491
So I take it that you liked it?

And techincally I just based him off a piece of fanart... that happens to pull the 300 reference.
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/022/c/f/pegasi__tonight_we_graze_in_hell__by_graffegruam-d4na6o0.jpg

Celestia steps down from her thrown

*throne*:pinkiehappy:
Some other grammar mistakes. i can send you a proofread if you like.:twilightsmile:
Excellent writing, and so fast-paced! It was surprisingly touching as well! I love your idea for this story, it's very unusual and engrossing.:twilightsmile:
Some of your ideas have actually struck me before, and I like the mother-son relationship of Celestia and Sombra, and how he was corrupted by going to the "dark side" after her teachings. I like how you've expanded on the personality he was never really given in the show.
In my own fic Celestia as a young mare shares a close friendship and then intense love with Discord before he suffers a similar class of character downfall, this time with the absent sage teacher being a cross-dimensional enigmatic being without a name who has taught him to use force-like energies without thew usual aid of a horn that allows unicorns to do it. I've been wondering for a while whether to work in Sombra as the tragic and powerful child of their union, who would be corrupted maybe some time after the rise and fall of Discord. I've been mulling over that she would probably send such a child to an orphanage (after ridiculously long alicorn gestation) to avoid a repetition of its heritage.
I think this fic settles it for me. I want to try to make it work.
So thanks!:twilightsmile:

Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.

4432098
Yes I have, but I know it's not good enough to be accepted

Hm, nice story. I especially like the scene with Sombra and Celestia, with the whole question of immortality. Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

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