Come what may and test what will, I always find peace in some form of writing. Be it famous, hidden, or simply my own, it is and forever will be a sanctuary.
There are some things that time cannot heal, some wounds that life won't let us forget. These are the scars that are bare for the world to see, and they are reminders that no matter how happy we once were, we are no longer. But still Rainbow Dash takes the trips that festers the wounds and opens the scars, because no matter how awful she feels, forgetting would be worse.
Prior to Season 3
Story five in my Twidash Challenge: Rainbow Tragedy Theme
Image credits go to Jykinturah
Page generated in 0.184 seconds
Total duration
712 users online
717,359 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/12/7/g5cW4tYSu0Oc9Q0zzhjFOw2.png
futurobeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/feels02.jpg
You planning on making me shed Manly tears???
AINT gonna happen!
...
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/002/796/447px-Manlytears3.jpg
Nops, if i read on my atual state, its suicide for sure, but YAY new story
This is one of them stories that reguardless that 1/3 of the ratings say its bad...It's going on my read later list anyway.....its just one of those things. I look forward to reading this.
Get it?
Why 4 dislikes within minuets of submission? Anyway I'll get round to reading this later tonight.
Great story, I love me some TwiDash. Though the cover image is a bit too spoilery for my tastes
Commence read.
Comment: I knew what to expect, yet still saddened by it.
You made me cry you bastard. The song that really spoke out to me towards the end was "Beautiful Goodbye" by Maroon 5.
1764481
Probably because of the changeling Twi on the cover =/
Yeah, the cover art kind of spoiled it. Also, souring the ending with chrysalis like that kind of ruined the feels.
That was dark.
I probably shouldn't read this. I did not need all of the bad feels right now.
Getting down to brass tacs, the concept itself is brilliant. What better way to illustrate Dash being trapped forever in her denial and pain than becoming the thrall of a creature who feeds on misplaced loved? I felt the scene was a little flat, though. Dash just kind of passes out and Chrysalis gloats. It probably would have been better if it was kept more subtle. Twi and Dash embrace and Dash pours out her love and Twi tells her that, not to worry, she'll be there as long as Dash loves her. As Dash begins to pass out from from sudden exhaustion, Twi comments that she'll be here for Dash, as long as she lives, and as she does so, her form subtly distorts revealing a changeling drone before going back to normal. This shows less, allowing the readers to freak themsleves out, potentially implying that the changeling is going to drain and kill Dash on the spot, a much more effective way to get negative feels. The exposition from Chrysalis about how sweet Twue Wuv is kind of takes us out of the mood, which you don't want to do given how powerful and disturbing moment this is. I also would have picked a drone instead of Chrysalis. Why is the queen of the changelings hanging out in a graveyard? Was she stalking RD? Did she plan this? Doesn't she have something better to do with her time?
Everything else was pretty much 100% solid. The flashbacks walking us through Dash and Twi's relationship were some of the best writing I've seen you do. I find the idea of AJ being a bigot to be kind of an annoying character choice, but you handled it better than most.
I kind of feel bad upthumbing this though considering how unrelentingly dark it is. This is not the kind of story I would normally read or endorse, and I honestly only read this story because the concept seemed good and I trust you. Then again, I guess it deserves it for how well it works. Don't expect me to favorite it though..
Overall? A+ Concept, A- Execution. Some of your best writting yet, but not my cup of tea.
*sigh*
Beautiful.
You are a musician of emotions and a spinner of love and care when it comes to your stories, and hell, every story you write earns my tears. I simply wish that I had more to give you then my full hearted thanks and I hope that you accept it.
Thank you.
I equal parts live and hate you for writing this. I hatve you.
I knew that ending was going to happen
So, I said I'm critique the next fic you posted so here it is. It's pretty long, all personal opinion and apologies in advance if I come across as too harsh. The fic is awesome, but I think it can be improved is all.
"Her carriage bent as her path veered..."
That paragraph is very, very choppy and very stilted. Up to this point, the flow had been hear perfect, but that paragraph was just off. You constantly mention bars, gates, and fences multiple times within a few sentences and that just makes it sound repetitive. The worst section is "The iron fence ended at a gate, standing twice as tall as the fence did at its highest. The bars of the gate arced higher than the fence, even the sections that were standing to their tallest" simply because both times you're talking about height in the exact same manner essentially. The rest of that paragraph is alright, but I really do think it could be done better. Also, there's very limited flow between each description. For example " though it was hardly a contest to do so. The metal bars could have been waxed once a year..." could have been rewritten to something like " though it was hardly a contest to do so. They could have been waxed once a year..." to help with the flow.
"They never invited company, and certainly didn’t give an aura of warmth."
I find that sentence a tad redundant personally since both parts say the exact same thing in slightly different ways. Neither description builds on the other as if they had an aura of warmth, it'd invite company and vice versa. Perhaps something about it having a aura of cold instead? It'd add to the description by saying that it almost actively pushes people away, while drawing on the familiar 'aura of warmth' description.
"The shovel sang quickly"
I'm gonna be super picky and take offense at your use of 'quickly'. Why? How does one sing quickly? I get what you're trying to do here, but I just think that using a music term like 'tempo' or 'rhythm' or even using an actual genre of music or just removing it entirely would have worked a lot better. I'd personally go for genre of song because if I say something like 'blues' or 'jazz' or 'rock' it's a lot more than just speed. It's got emotions and feelings tied up with it, which would in turn add so much more to the description.
'“Oh! Did Spiky just come out of the closet, too?”'
Best. Line. Ever.
"Her cloudy pink eyes looked at it again..."
This paragraph is awesome. Why? You take Dash's love for flying and use it so well to capture her emotions. Everyone has that one thing that they just love more than anything else and always cheers them up so for you to draw upon that to explain how depressed Dash is? Epic. Purely epic.
Oh man, those sections after the flashback reveal of cancer? Where you talk about the final days? So damn good.
My only real complaint is that two of the flashbacks you chose were not the best in my opinion. What I mean by that is the the second and third scenes (relationship coming out and wedding) didn't really add that much emotion. In fact, the second scene felt like a waste as the entire fic is focused on AJ's acceptance rather than Twi-Dash relationship, which is the central focus of the fic. I would have rather seen you write out the first date where Twi realizes her feelings or some important scene from their dating period, and the date where Dash proposes. Why? Emotions. It'd add so much emotion to the entire scene. It'd add so much love and happiness and joy to everything, and it'd make us feel so happy in return. At the same time, it'd build up to the emotional crash and dread that you've been cultivating the entire fic. The higher you take us up, the harder we hurt when we hit the ground.
That been said, that flashback involving the question of "what do you think happens?" So great. You manage to keep Twilight's answer in character, Dash has that tearing of emotions between not wanting to talk about it and wanting to keep Twi happy. Then, you cap it all off with Twilight's smile. So good. And that death bed scene. I mean, wow. This is what I meant above about the other two flashbacks. You need this kind of emotion in there.
One other thing, I think you could have made the ending even better. How? Give Twilight some egghead explanation, have them go out on a 'final date' or something. Drag it out so that we think Twilight is actually back before hitting us with the wham at the end. Of course, you'd probably have to change the cover image, but I just feel that'd make the final crash even more glorious. Give your readers that final spark of hope and desire and all that positive emotion before ripping it away from them in one move. Of course you'd need foreshadowing, but I just feel as though that'd make the entire scene even greater.
I was writing a little when I saw your fic and that happened after I read it :
imageshack.us/scaled/landing/202/1336403859558.jpg
And now :
img842.imageshack.us/img842/5971/1339965872137.jpg
Thank you very much, I can't write no more because I'm too sad and not in the right spirit for writing something fun.
And the worst is that you have a Twilight tragedie to write for your TwiDash challenge. I'm double sad.
Ps: If I was listening to "mad world" with the lyrics, did that make it a more harcore mode ?
CĂ©dric
OhMMM man, almost, i'll love you forever is the 199 twidash fic on the shipping group
oh, by the way.. feels... i hate you, that fic is well...amazing
the progress is flawless, I believe in Dash's actions , the concept... is not so original but is written in a way that make it realistic
for you 4/5 pinkies
as always, nicely done
me:by the chaos emeralds.oh maker.oh god.this needs a sequel.but for now assassins are you guys done reading.
assassins:ya.why?
me: cuas we're going to war.
assassins:with who grand master assassin?
me:with the changlings.so get ready.
assassins:got it grand master.
(assassins leave)
me: were coming for you Queen Chrysalis. prepare Chrysalis.cuas your going to die.no changling,not even the Queen,is going to do this to dashie and live.
1764463
i.qkme.me/352zjr.jpg
Ironically I was trying to find a non pony picture to show my distaste in your treachery, but this one fit just right.
First, 2 disclaimers:
1: I don't like shipping.
2: I don't like sadfics.
So why did I read this?
I've been angsting over Wander D's fic The Changeling Queen's spin-off by a different author involving Changeling Queen Twilight more or less raping Dash into submission and into a changeling.
So seeing a changeling Twi x Dash fic with a different storyline was something I needed to shake that.
In other words, I read it based on the header mage. (Boy was that a letdown.)
Also I enjoyed the writing in your clopfic, even if I took exception to some of the progression (which I held back on criticizing).
Overall you write the way I'd like to write.
But your delivery bothers me.
The main issue is the delivery of the ending. EVERYTHING should have been from Dash's perspective. The part with Chrysalis' perspective serves no purpose and kills the drama.
Cutting it would make the story stronger and the emotional impact hit much harder. There was NO NEED to spell everything out.
The next problem is that there is too much "sad". It's oversaturated. The emotions during the flashbacks are very well delivered and garner a lot of sympathy. Your description of the graveyard is a bit much, but from Dash's perspective it's understandable. But then all the lengthy description of her moping, crying and wailing. It's overburdening the story. As it stands now the reader is either too emotionally drained or doo detached by the end for it to have the impact it should. We feel "for" Dash (sympathy) instead of feeling "with" her (empathy).
I would recommend thinning out the description a bit and making Dash "hold it in" more. That would massively generate more sympathy when she crumbles for "Twi".
Third problem: that pic. It spoils the ending and makes the middle confusing.
For some more specific issues:
-Near the beginning when Dash is musing on the state of the cemetery it is confusing when referring to "living there" if she is talking about herself or Twi.
-Why the hell is Dash wearing a suit at her wedding? That's stupid. She's a lesbian, not trans. When 2 gay guys get married formally one doesn't wear a dress (unless they are into that), why would 2 gay gals not both wear dresses?
-Dash's obscene level of grief. It's necessary to make the ending work, but grief without guilt or regret is not usually that crippling.
-Magic cancer. I don't even...
And for the bias:
I would have liked this more if it wasn't shipping. I have seen a bond easily as strong between these 2 forged through events but with no romance involved.
Unfortunately the ending needs the shipping to work because otherwise Dash wouldn't keep "Twi" to herself. Or allow "Twi" to keep Dash to herself, forsaking all else.
Which brings me back to shipping, because this limitation is only imposed due to TwiDash. There are many other candidates that could be caught in this trap. And many other ways it could work.
You, sir, are a bastard. You're an asshole and a monster and I hate you. My feels are through the fucking roof right now. Burn in hell.
My first thought:
AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME
WE COULD BE STARVING
WE COULD BE HOMELESS
WE COULD BE BROKE
AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME
I'LL BE YOUR PLATINUM
I'LL BE YOUR SILVER
I'LL BE YOU GOLD
*BASS DROP*
AS LONG AS YOU L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-- okay, i think we get it.
Second thought:
What are these things that fill up my eyes? No, I'm not being entirely true with that. What are my feels doing is more like it.
I think a part of my more or less died with this. Poor Dashie. Can I give her a hug?
Great story, man.
1765950>>1765693>>1764914>>1764839
I'll... I'll just go cry now.
1765863
I don't usually do this, I really don't, as I endorse people to say what they think, but despite you phrasing your words as if it's rare thing to be critical, I have never seen you comment well on any story, and I've seen you on a quite a few, including my own. I will still take your opinions to heart, but don't phrase it as if it's rare for you to be critical. That's quite possibly all you are.
1764952
I'll take that as you said it.
1764887
Well, you certainly delivered what you promised. I'm glad you enjoyed the sections I worked the hardest on, and you're right about the parts that you commented on. I guess I chose the ones I did because of a combination of spacing the time out as evenly as possible as well as showing different hurdles. But then, I'm usually wrong in the things I perceive, so I'll take your words for the next time I write.
1764818
As a perfectionist, I appreciate the A's in all categories, though I would have liked to grab an A+. Still, I can't fave you for not faving a story you can't enjoy. That would be weird in itself, but I thank you for the up vote all the same.
1764399
Five hours later and i still have no idea what the hell that means.
And in conclusion good sirs and madams, I shall honor my own final request.
i.imgur.com/6T5st.gif
1766098 THEY ARE FEELS
1766098
I'm glad I could be of help to you, but always remember to get a second opinion 'cause I tend to wrong from time to time as well
1766098
Not sure how you got the impression you're attributing to my phrasing.
And also not sure what you mean by "comment well".
I almost always post something on every story I read, whether that be a simple comment, review, rant, pointing out typos, or discussion with other commenters.
Criticism is something that encompasses most of that. Positive, negative, and constructive. I have no regrets.
But just to compare, here is a comment free of criticism:
Hah Dampe. LoZ fan? Awesome. This story reminds me of Disturbed's Inside the Fire. Write more!
(By the way that comment is 100% honest. OoT is my fave game, It does remind me of that song, which I love, and I do want to read more of your writing, even if the subject matter (shipping) is not something I generally take seriously. I just feel criticism is more valuable than stuff like this. And in case you're wondering, I tend to criticize stuff I like more. This has an upvote from me. Not a fave though. Hopefully, one day, I will find something of yours I love enough to fave. Then you can have my creepy ass watching your ass forevermore.)
1765693
cache.ohinternet.com/images/thumb/2/2d/Trollface_HD.png/618px-Trollface_HD.png
I bet you hated it! Hue hue hue!
1766098 ... Meanwhile
Sorry, I just had to. Great story though.
Oh, and I think NUKER3X might have been responding to MisterGTFO posting that Justin Bieber video.
1766098
You gonna stick to that?
onlyhdwallpapers.com/thumbnail/video_games_heavy_tf2_team_fortress_aviators_desktop_1680x1050_hd-wallpaper-742859.jpg
1766263
God I love that smile.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_llj3m6Qz6q1qdth1ho1_400.gif
1766345
th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2011/285/c/2/lol_face_by_rober_raik-d4cm1yl.png
1766440
I needed this setup to see that absurd resolution.
legitreviews.com/images/reviews/1069/ATI-Eyefinity-WOW.jpg
it took me 3 hours to read this. mostly due to the fact that i couldn't stop crying
1766582 Who in their right mind would use six monitors for WoW, and NONE of them being used for ponies? This is an absolute outrage.
1766616 ... Um, yeah... crazy. Would it be better if it were just two monitors for full use of SC2 and not WoW?
There's an error right at the end: "Yes, my precious Rainbow Dash, you’re love will keep me alive forever." Should have been "your love".
Heh. Can't let that be my only comment, otherwise I might look like some sort of heartless monster. :)
1766687
Compared to the rest of the comments above you, and the massive amount of dislike this has garnered, I'm pretty sure you're not going to look like anything less than a helpful viewer.
Sems I was right to guess this was going to hell the moment you had a character called Dampe with a shovel.
1766756
Going to hell... that's a bad thing.
i.imgur.com/3TmjN.gif
i.imgur.com/IuWek.gif
i.imgur.com/WnpWF.gif
LXDFNSCDKjfgdjvbfvbkjsvnlgjhnaldifuglb
1766777 Oh, I'm sure you know what I mean. You did a good job, regardless; I did spot a few mistakes here or there, but curse this tablet for not letting me keep track of them.
Meh remind me to ask you for your autograph when I reach hell mkay?
Also, mad world isn't that bad...
1766782
So... did I do you justice?
..... You.... You..... You CRETIN! New I have to get new tear ducts!
MY INSURANCE DOESN'T COVER THAT, YOU BASTARD!!!
Oh my gawd. The feels. So many feels.
This...this is beautiful. Well done.
totally guessing, twilight is dead and rainbow dash gets a changeling to act like twilight to see her again? PM me if you want to keep it a secret or if you want me to delete this post.
if i am right, i will not read. if i am wrong i will read it! let's play a game :P