• Member Since 30th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Phxntxm


T

After a fun day at Twilight's with Applejack, Rainbow learns something has terrible has happened, who's going to be the one that can keep her spirits up? Will it lead to something she wasn't expecting?

Dramatic reading by GoombaBrony

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 57 )

homeless rainobw.....heheheheheh

Not sure if Twidash or appledash....

D'oh well, ill find out soon. (it better be Twidash)

Cheers
~iraqlobstah

>>IraqLobstah I think I kinda hinted it would be appledash by Twilight being into colts :P sorry to burst your bubble, but that's just how the stories been forming in my head. I do agree Twidash is best shipping though :D

Can't wait to read the rest of this!

(Please god let it be Appledash)

172850
I actually didn't read that part, i was skimming over the race scene and went to far, i assumed she just left after the race thing ended so i read on. I was expecting the shipping to come out AFTER rainbow lost her home.

Cheers
~iraqlobstah

>>IraqLobstah
That is when it's going to start, I just wanted to hint towards where it was going.
>>apulblewm
It's Appledash ;)

*gasp* :pinkiegasp:
I WAS FRIST!!!!!!!!!!!
:yay: ~yay

>>zombie-kitty
First in chapter one :P there's 6 other comment sin chapter two

Rainbow Dash hates books, :rainbowderp: Yeah no surprise here. We'll see if her perception changes when the episode "Read It and Weep" airs this Saturday. I'll be watching :pinkiehappy:. As for this story, this is a great story so far! Keep the chapters coming.

Five stars!

Few days before the episode!

:applecry: awwwww rainbow **gives rainbow dash a hug** its ok rainbow :fluttercry:

Howdy Phxntxm! I'm going to point out ANYTHING that I noticed, so unfortunately this is going to be long and belittling :derpytongue2:. Sorry, you asked me to. :raritywink:
I did read the note at the top though, so I know this has never been edited before. So I guess I'll give you some basic editing and a couple suggestions, but if you have any specific concerns with characterization or something please let me know so I can think about it. :twilightsmile:

"This was the exact reason she knew this was what made her argument with Applejack no contest at all." Right, except you never showed us the argument. I have no idea what that argument was about. It took me until after the Applejack scene to connect the dots and realize it was about which type of ponies are the best (or something along those lines). Also, the part I bolded is confusing, I think you have an extra 'was'.

"... but instead of into Twilight Sparkle's library" Putting 'crashing' between the bolded words.

I don't really feel like copy-pasting all of them, but if you go back and reread your dialogue there are lots of places where you forget to capitalize the first word.

'Maybe they'd keep ya from crash landings so much.':pinkiegasp: Oh noez! It's plural! (plural's a funny word... I mean, 'singular' comes from 'single', obviously, but where the hay did they get 'plural'?)

'Well that happens when you're the best and coolest pony ever,'” I feel like there should be a comma after 'well', but that's a stylistic choice and totally up to you.

'No, it's a new spell I was practicing on today, before you came barging in I was practicing a mind reading spell.'" You may as well start a new sentence in place of a second comma. You seem to like to put in a lot of commas (believe me, I LOVE to do that, I used to use way to many commas). Try to look through your sentences and think about which commas could be periods instead. Otherwise, you get a lot of long sentences that are a little awkward.

"The spell wore off shortly thereafter and her thoughts were her own again, although she shared them whenever she saw fit anyway, and after having something to eat, sat down near Twilight and watched her write notes and study the scroll that she got the spell from." This is a perfect example of the rampant comma usage, but that's coincidence. The real reason I saw fit to make note of this sentence is because all of a sudden you tell us that Rainbow can tell when Twilight is reading her thoughts (she knew that it wore off). Plus, you say Rainbow shared them whenever she saw fit. So they apparently still have linked minds? I think the mind-reading could've been explained a little better, then it wouldn't be surprising when you tell us these things.

OK, here's a couple of things I noticed that don't involve specific places in the text:
You stumbled upon a little pet peeve of mine, friend. There are parts where you have quick conversations between the characters with no description. I actually love it when there are fast paced conversations like that, they're great for comedy. You know, like two little fillies arguing and going "Nuh-uh!" "Yeah-huh!" "Nuh-uh!" "Yeah-huh!" "Nuh-uh!" "Yeah-huh!" "Nuh-uh!" "Yeah-huh!" "Nuh-uh!" "Yeah-huh!". When people are having a casual conversation though it's a good idea to at least describe their expressions. It's good to write in description during dialogue like that because it can give us a better idea of how the characters are reacting to what each other are saying and also HOW they're saying it. Obviously, there's a big difference between. "'HA!'" and "'HA!' Rainbow smirked in triumph."

In a way, this is similar to the dialogue thing in that it ends up feeling a little rushed. There are parts where nothing happens (which is perfectly fine, nothing happens all the time in real life. That's not the problem), and since nothing is happening you skip over it like it's not there. For example, after Rainbow grabs some food and sits down by Twilight, it felt like an instant before Applejack was there knocking at the door. Even though it was probably 10 minutes or something. It sounds stupid, but if you take the time to write out those points where nothing happen it makes the world you're creating that much more believable.

Not trying to make you feel like an idiot with these suggestions, just thought that you might benefit from those thoughts. :derpytongue2:

I know I tore this chapter apart, but honestly. It looks good. I enjoyed it a lot. I'd be happy to proof-read for you in the future if you'd like, by the way.

Anyway, onwards to the next chapters!!! I can't wait to read more!!! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

173190 Now you just gotta aim for the next level up: an Equestria Daily post. :pinkiehappy:

And O GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE LOOK AT THAT WALL OF TEXT

>>Dash is Best Pony
It's no problem, I did ask for it :twilightsmile: I know about my comma problem, English teachers have told me about that as well. I'm going through it and fixing the errors so it should be good :scootangel: and btw, this chapter came out because basically I knew I wanted to write a story...but had no idea where I wanted to go with it. So the chapter felt forced to me, and I don't think I did it well :pinkiehappy: the next chapter's are better imo :trixieshiftright:

But by all means, tear it apart, that's what'll make the story better :D

Part 2! First off is a healthy dose of editing:

"After a while Twilight decided to be a little sympathetic towards her" My thought is that there should be a comma after 'after a while', but that's almost a stylistic thing and not grammar, so it's your call completely.

"... you can still raise at speeds that would be ridiculous..." They sound so similar. I hate it when words do that. :derpytongue2:

There's a little bit of the quick dialogue I was talking about before, so refer to that if you want to hear more. I do want to reiterate, however, that it IS OK to have quick dialogue. Just don't do it unless it fits the mood of the conversation, you know?

Oooh, I didn't find anything else in this chapter. I wonder if you unconsciously got better at writing or if you edited this one? Anyway, cool chapter. Rainbow's homeless :rainbowlaugh:. AJ's gay :rainbowwild:. And Twi' is a gaming nerd :twilight sheepish:. This is great! :raritystarry:

'I can't be seen as a weak pony, that's not me. Ever since that day I've made myself the toughest pony I could be. I had to be to survive on my own, this only happened when I was a little filly, that day changed me into who I am now...that day..." Ooooh, thank you thank you THANK YOU! I love when authors give the characters a good, not BS reason to be the way they are. Even if "my parents died" is cliched, the fact that you connected that to her personality is great.
Also, that needs a quotation mark at the end (lol, totally killed the mood there, sorry. :facehoof:) (it's hard to tell it's missing with the way I formatted the excerpt, but if you go find it you can tell it needs the quotation mark).


"It was late at night after Rainbow's mother tucked her into her cloud bed and reading her a bedtime story. Rainbow had been asleep for about five hours when she heard a bloodcurtling scream that she could only have come from her mother which woke her up leaving her heart pounding a mile a minute." Read that aloud. You see the problems, I'm sure. The second sentence is a run-on, by the way.

At this point in time I would like to remind you about the comma thing I mentioned in the first chapter. That is all.

"She could see the sadistic grin on the colt's face as he brought slid knife straight across the throat of Rainbow's mother." :trixieshiftright: (Oh god I'm sorry, did I really only leave an emote after that? I've gotten more sarcastic the longer I've been editing for some reason)

"All three ponies were crying after Rainbow's story." :rainbowderp: Oh. I hadn't realized that she was telling this story. I just thought it was a flashback. You might want to mention that before the italics launch into that tragedy. Actually, that being said you have a lot of little inconsistencies like that throughout the story. Remember that we can't see what you're imagining in this story, you need to write it down so that we can imagine it.

Rainbooooooooow” Needs to be 20% creepier/scarier. I wasn't sure if this was the colt or not. More wtf, I says!

Other than that....
HHHHHNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
That's the first time I've ever used that annoying, overused phrase, because it's the only time I've felt the need to use it. Damn, that was adorable.

Keep on writing, Phxntxom, you're doing such an awesome job with this. Let me know whenever you want me to do any editing! :twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

On that note actually, any conundrums, concerns, cares, questions, or kumquats you want to ask me about?

>>Dash is Best Pony
Thank you very much, I do appreciate it :pinkiehappy: I've fixed all the little things you mentioned, and looked through for the quick conversation thing. I figured the "inconsistencies" that you mentioned would have been there, I'll read through the whole story and look for those at some time. As for the stupid little errors (like the one that got me the sarcastic Trixie face) I usually write after midnight when I'm in the mood :pinkiehappy:

But thank you for the compliments! I feel proud that the first story I've ever written turned out a lot better than I thought it would :pinkiehappy:

CONTINUE IT, NOW! ::flutterrage:

Sorry lol, I'm gonna write soon, I got dejected after being rejected by EQD and wasn't in the writing mood :pinkiehappy:

still waiting, this story is to good not to keep writing!

Sooorry guys, I really am...I had like 5 different ways that I could have taken this story, so I've sat down to write chapter four about 5 times and I kept changing things. But I figured out how i want to do take the story, and I'm aaaalmost done...I'll try to finish it before I go to bed tonight.

You good sir/madam have now defined swag! I say! :moustache:

A great story I must say!

I love the story, must be because i love appledash-shippings :ajsmug:
However, it's not just because of the shipping that I'm loving this, but because your type of writing is really good.
The character-development my be a bit fast, but I think it's better than having to read about 10k words befor something happens :rainbowkiss:
5/5 and eagerly awaiting part 5 :rainbowwild:

Great chapter! :ajsmug: I knew Both Rainbow and AJ were meant to be together. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Great chapter! Can't wait to see more :pinkiehappy:

Loveable story and a realy good chapter :pinkiehappy:
I knew it was a good decision to follow this one :rainbowkiss:

Keep up the good work!

pxhoijavsroivgja im going to make you look stupid again on plug if you do not update one of your stories!!! i know you have written more!!

:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

You posted it on here too? AND you have a sequel that already has four chapters?! Damn, I'm slacking.

660636
What do you mean "too" which other site did you read it on?

662570 fanfiction.net. Even left some "reviews" (aka, lame comments) on the last three chapters.

662588
Ah...well yeah my sequel is on there too :P

662690 So I noticed. But Fimfiction is so much easier on the eyes due to the formatting. :P

Rainbow never rlly had a home to begin with, she just chose a cloud and slept. Especially when she napped. lol. :rainbowlaugh:

D'AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

That...was beautiful.:pinkiesad2:

1594123
What about that huge cloud house thingy? With the rainbow waterfall.

Nice beginning to a story. I like how it is going so far. Keep it up.

I really liked the way you had this chapter go. For some sadistic reason, I enjoy it when somepony's parents end up dead or something. It makes for a good story. Keep up the great writing!

And thus begins the blossoming of a beautiful relationship.

I think I would be more towards the side of the spectrum that has me strangling Derpy to death and causing her extreme agony in a slow and painful death, not just thanking her for destroying my house. Great chapter by the way.

Why i wont read this:
Tragedy Sad and Dark tags dont mix well for me

I try reading sad stories, but find myself crying after them, wich i dont really like.
But I MIGHT read this (MIGHT)
Just not now, im more in the mood for a heart warming story :3

3803364 same here. I may be a man but i'm also a sappy bitch. I've only read one story with tags like this one, I didn't finish the story on an account of crying my eyes out.:ajsleepy:

3819253
3803364
I can't make you read anything but it'd be cool if you did read it. While it's not my favorite story I've written...other people seem to like it (for some odd reason) :unsuresweetie:

3819299 so I slept on what you said, awoke to day and said why the hell not. Very happy I did it's one of the best AppleDash stories I have read in a long time. It definitely was not as sad as I first thought it was going to be which is a good thing. All in all great story man! :ajsmug:

3823938
Thanks...I still don't think the writing in it was very good :ajsleepy: but oh well. Thanks for reading!

Happy I finally got the time to read through this. Its a very nice story, simple in design, but very well done. Sad to see the sequel was cancelled. But, happy with how this arc ended nonetheless.

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