• Published 7th Dec 2012
  • 24,745 Views, 572 Comments

Certain Advantages - The Descendant

When Dash makes Spike bet on this year's Sisterhooves Social, she's sure she can't lose... right?

  • ...

Chapter 2: "Down to the Wire"

Chapter 2: “Down to the Wire”

Thud, thud, thud.

Spike didn’t bother to look up as the sounds of the princesses rejoining the race lifted from the course.

He was far too interested in seeing just how powerful the supernatural forces that Rainbow Dash’s astonishment had created truly were. In addition to many popcorn kernels, the air above the astonished pegasus was now full of cotton candy, Mairsy Doats wrappers, assorted trash, a lounge chair, and Scootaloo.

He was just about to see if he could get one of the portable toilets up there too when all of the objects came crashing to the earth.

As Scootaloo wobbled away on unsteady legs, Rainbow Dash recovered, lit up in excitement, pulled him closer, and then pointed towards the obstacle course.

“Ha!” she said. “You thought that you had me there, didn’t ya’, kiddo? But the princesses are at the pie-eating table now, and they’re gonna have their just deserts!”

Spike was just about to inform her that she meant "desserts", but he instead focussed on how she smiled down at him in a way that made him uncomfortable on a number of levels ranging from professionally, to philosophically, to grammatically.

“Aren’t ya’ gonna say it?” she asked, barely dropping her manic grin.

“S-Say what?” he asked, taking a step backward and bouncing off of a still-dizzy Scootaloo.

“That word,” she said, “the one you’ve been using, and I just used when I said that.”

“Sardonic?” he said, rubbing his head in confusion. “But what you just said was kinda ironic, sorta, not sardonic. Ironic means using sardonicism, sometimes. It usually means the opposite of what ya’ thought was going to happen, so it wasn’t even that, huh?”

Rainbow Dash dropped her smile, and a scowl went across her face as she stared down to the course.

“The first thing I’m going to do when I win this bet,” she said in a huff, “is have you teach me all of the meanings of all the stuff you said when you were losin’ this bet!”

“There ya’ go!”


“Never mind…”

It truly was a race now, and the princesses quickly regained their place at the forefront of the pack, despite Celestia having to hop along due to her self-imposed embarrelment.

The pie table was right in front of them, and the two sisters leaned down and began to devour the pies before them, easily gathering larger mouthfuls as the other sets of siblings struggled to keep up.

Luna reached down for what she thought was her last few mouthfuls, but to her surprise the pie plate was already empty.

She looked up to discover her sister staring wide-eyed into the distance. The edges of her mouth betrayed just the slightest presence not only of her own pie, but Luna’s as well.

“Oh my…” breathed the Daybringer.

To Rarity’s surprise the princess snatched her pie away from her, smiled self-consciously, and then devoured it down to the very pie tin. Rarity looked on in astonishment as the princess then lapped at the tin with squeals of delight.

“In father’s name!” the older alicorn cried, craning her neck to gather the pie that sat in front of Sweetie as well, a shudder of delight running through her as she did.

She then reached for Applejack’s, and Apple Bloom’s… and Dinky’s… and just about every pie within tongue-length…

“Oh, in mother’s name!” called Celestia, falling over onto her back, her body hidden from the grandstand view by the table. That turned out for the best, for as the barrel-half hung over her she continued to pull pies down to herself with wafts of her magic, devouring them with obvious epicurean delight. In the grandstand, several older sisters found themselves having to explain to their younger siblings the type of things that happen when an ageless, supposedly immortal, and supposedly divine alicorn and a pie love each other very much.

“The old problem, my sister?” asked Luna in a judgmental tone, looking down over the prostrate form of Celestia. “One should think that thou hast but conquered the demon within by now.”

Little tremors of pleasure went up the legs of the older sister, and as the other participants in the race sprinted towards the next obstacle even the massage therapists who were seeing to Granny Smith had to turn their heads and gaze towards the hidden form of their sovereign.

“Oh, forgive me, Luna, but I’ve not had pie such as this in centuries!” Celestia called in enthusiastic tones. “I must know!” she cried as the barrel-half spun around as though it were her head. “I must know who crafted these divine pies!”

“Come forward!” lifted the voice of the sovereign, echoing across the farm in a tone both beautiful and terrible, sending more spectators running from the grandstand and into years of expensive psychotherapy.

“Come forward, crafter of these delectables! Come forward and receive the blessings of the sun!” said the barrel-half, apparently.

A single young mare picked her way forward, her body trembling as she went to where the two princesses, and the barrel-half, sat among the rapidly depleting fruits of her labor.

“I-I h-have c-come, Maj-Majesty. I-I m-made these… these pies for the com-competition,” she stuttered as yet another empty pie plate flew away from where Celestia lay hidden.

“You are Allspice, are you not? Fear not, child! I have not tasted pies of this quality since long before your birth! We congratulate you, and we praise you!” said Celestia, waving the barrel-half around.

“Really?!” said Allspice, her face brightening as she lifted it to the barrel-half. “Oh, Majesty, thank you! I…”

“Please, child,” said Celestia in a voice both gentle and chiding as she recoiled the barrel-half, “please do not look directly at my bunghole. It is indelicate to do so.”

Allspice blushed brightly and then looked back down to the ground.

“Child,” Celestia asked in her usual gentle tones, “would you perhaps do me a favor? It is just a small one.”

“Majesty?” Allspice answered. “Of course!”

A momentary stillness hung over the racecourse.

“It is really just a little thing.”

“Certainly, my princess!”

There was a moment of silence.

“Just a tiny favor…”

“Simply name it, Majesty!”

“Very well. Thank you, my child. Now, I am going to teleport you to Canterlot. There you’ll find Joe. He is a retired guardspony who owns a doughnut shop. I already cannot eat his doughnuts in polite company, and I had to meditate for days just to get over my initial addiction to them. I should like for you to please consider leaping into his embrace and falling madly in love with each other. Having done that, I should like for you to spend years and years and years in the throes of nothing short of beautiful, magnificent, wondrous, wanton lust. That being accomplished, you will then have many, many, many, lovely foals who will eventually grow up to become, in the magic of their parents, bakers and confectioners the likes of which Equestria has never seen and who will supply me and my court with such baked goods as these for eons to come…

… and, child, please get right on that.”

“W-What?” breathed Allspice as surprise fell across her face.

There was a single “pop”, and with that Allspice disappeared from the scene.

“Really, my sister?” asked Luna as she eyed Celestia dubiously. The other alicorn waved the barrel-half around and rose to the upright once more.

“What?” asked Celestia as she wiped the pie from her face with her magic. “I asked politely, did I not?”

“I do think that thy hast had your fill of these baked delights,” said Luna as her magic wafted over the table.

“No! Luna, please!”

The remaining pies all disappeared into a nexus of evening magic, and Luna guided her bawling sister on to the next obstacle.

Meanwhile, back at the fjord, things had taken a turn for the theological.

Rex called his dogs to their knees as they gained the high plateau. As the fjord glimmered far below them he raised his arms wide, extended his paws, and called on their divinity to guide their progress.

“Lord Snoopy!” he called. “Give to Rex and dogs their baubles! Give us the strength to go on. Show us the way from atop mighty doghouse in sky! Send to us some sign. Give us some way to know…”


Splat, splat, splat.

The dogs looked on in astounded wonder as Rex was soon covered with what appeared to be a few dozen banana cream pies that came falling from the sky. He was soon plastered in their apparently holy crusts, and their seemingly divine meringue dribbled past his ears.

Rex sat there, on his knees, motionless. After a few moments Biscuit approached him and dared run his claws across the sacred moist filling, freeing it from the face of his commander and friend.

Biscuit heard Rex whisper a name, and as soon as he heard it he turned towards another dog that crouched on the beach.

Old Blue fought to his paws, the aged shaman came closer, his dog tags and collars jingling upon his staff. As he approached Rex he could see that the eyes of the diamond dog pleaded with him for answers.

“Old Blue,” Rex asked, a tremble going through him, "what do pies mean?”

Old Blue grunted, shifted his jaw. Soon, sacred words lifted from him as he jangled the staff over the commander.

“Bow wow,” he chanted, “bow… bow wow wow, ruff. Bow ruff, ruff.”

The dogs bowed their heads in reverence.

Old Blue stopped. He lifted the staff, grunting and shifted his jaw once more as he did.

“W-What do pies mean?” repeated Rex.

“Old Blue,” said the shaman, “have no idea.”

With sounds of effort and a creaking of his old bones, he bowed down and lifted one of the more intact pie plates.

“But,” he said as he began to munch upon the remains of the pie, “Old Blue think it time for a lunch break.”

With that he went off, leaving the dogs on the mountain path in the midst of personal spiritual crises.

Thud, thud, thud.

The princesses approached the next set of obstacles, Celestia still hopping about in the barrel-half.

They were made to stop as a bawling Twilight Sparkle appeared out of nowhere, crossed the racecourse in front of them in the midst of her despondency, and once again pelted off into a poof of her own magic.

“I was being…darn…” Spike frantically called to her, waving his arms, hoping and failing to catch her before she disappeared again.

“Hey, Spike?” said Rainbow Dash, her voice cracking slightly. “I… I wouldn’t feel too bad about making Twilight cry like that.”

“W-What? Why?” asked Spike in disbelief.

“’Cause I didn’t do it! You did!” she said as a wicked smile crossing her face. She laughed as he once more put his face in his palm and groaned aloud.

Thud, thud, thud.

Their progress now unimpeded by emotionally distraught unicorns, the two alicorn sisters made their way to where the hay bales stood.

“Sister!” Luna cried. “We fall behind once more! Let us not tarry! Nay, let us exert ourselves!”

“Careful, Luna,” Celestia said as she hopped forward, joining her sister before the remaining hay bale. “You exerted yourself too much at the first obstacle, and you had to fly back again.”

“You speak the truth,” said the younger sister with a sigh, “and we shall only exert ourselves as much as needed.”

“Just a tiny bit of exerting,” said Celestia, eyeing her sister.

“Of course,” replied Luna, lowering her head.

“Only the sparsest of exertions!” warned Celestia, bouncing up and down, the barrel thumping in tiny, worried, motions.

“Certainly,” replied Luna, and with that she placed her head to the bale.

As it soared out over Sweet Apple Acres, it seemed to only be gaining speed. The two sisters, the ponies in the grandstands, and the masseurs who were still applying their arts to Granny Smith, watched it leave. Only a few stray shafts of hay seemed to escape it as it disappeared into the far, far horizon.

After a moment, Luna spoke.

“I find that this competition doth lack the simplicity of contests I truly enjoy,” she said with a shake of her head. “Truly, it is much easier to simply crush my foes and leave their broken, twisted bones to bleach in your sun, my sister.”

“You are going to be an absolute charmer at the National Moon Pie Eating Championship, Luna,” Celestia said with a heavy sigh, the irony dripping out of her words in such quantities that it soon filled the barrel-half and spilled out of her bunghole.

Duke was a good dog most of the time. Sometimes, however, he was a bad dog. Yes, a very bad dog, indeed.

As the diamond dogs clawed their way up the face of the mountain he was being a bad dog. This was mostly because he wouldn’t shut up.

“Duke not see why we have to climb mountain!” he spat as he lost his grip. His curses rang out across the cliffside even as he and the other dogs struggled towards the top.

Rex knew full well why they had to, and he had explained it thoroughly. This was the fastest way into the interior, and would keep them from being spotted by the regular army and guardsponies. The rock was too hard to burrow through… so climb they must.

Duke was ignoring that, and instead focusing on something else entirely. Something else that, if he didn’t shut up, could possibly get them all in a lot of trouble.

“Oh, dogs see one pony princess, dogs get all scared!” Duke said, turning on a small ledge.

Rex winced even as he heaved himself up to the next level of rock.

“Oh no! Pony princess have scary big eyes and cutie mark on butt! What pony princess gonna do to dogs? Chew grass at dogs? Bat eyes and ask dogs to go away or she cry?”

“Duke!” Rex called as he reached above himself again. “Shut mouth!”

“Oh no!” Duke continued, tripping a bit as his shelf of rock crumbled beneath his paws. “Rex scared of pony princess! Dogs scared of pony princess! Duke not scared of pony princess. Duke think pony princess not so smart, or would have come to stop dogs! Pony princess fly away! Pony princess do what? Ha! Duke think…”

As the hay bale struck him, Duke went tumbling from the mountainside. As his screams sounded out around the fjord the dogs looked on in wide-eyed terror.

After a long moment the dogs that clung to the cliff saw the splash, and after a moment the sound of it reached them.

They hung there in silence for a moment, and then a new sound lifted from the dogs.

“Rex like pretty pony princesses!” came the booming voice of their leader, and soon the mountainside was filled with a chorus of diamond dogs repeating his refrain. As seagulls looked on in confusion the dogs clung to their outcroppings and sang out in a mixture of terror, wonder, and hidden personal truths.

“Dogs like little ponies!”

“Me like pony princess!”

“Biscuit really like her mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!”

Thud, thud, thud.


Rainbow Dash and Spike had no time to argue semantics before the princesses had gained the next obstacle. With a single bound and flap of her wings Celestia had lifted herself into the great vat of the grapes in preparation for the creating of the grape juice.

There were many factors in what happened next. Perhaps it was the enthusiasm of the princess, or the great mass of her graceful body. Maybe it was the unyielding staves of the barrel-half, or the roundness of her bunghole. Maybe it was all of these factors… perhaps it was none.

Whatever it was, Celestia quickly showed herself to be rather proficient at making grape juice.

The tidal wave of purplish waters that washed over the audience and other competitors was, put mildly, appreciable.

After much coughing, sputtering, and hacking, the audience stood and looked back to where the princess landed beside the cask.

“Oh my,” she breathed as she examined herself. As she did she noted how the mud from her earlier fall still clung to her pink hair in two streaks, creating purplish and pinkish hues that stood out on her now lavender coat.

“Oh my!” she breathed again, folding her wings closer to herself so they almost disappeared against her coat. She pulled down her bangs in front until they nearly reached her eyes.

“Why, I almost look like dear…”

Celestia lifted her head and scanned the audience.

“Hello, Spike,” she said, catching his eye. “Do tell me, who do I remind you of?”

Spike blinked. Apart from the barrel-half and the jewelry (and her immense size, supposed immortality, and suggested divinity) Celestia almost looked like…

“Oh, how I do love books!” Celestia said, raising her tone. “I should make a list of all the things that I enjoy about books… and then list the things that I love about making lists!”

“No way,” said Spike, fighting back a smile.

“Now I shall spend the next few hours studying the minutiae of this or that topic of no real importance before writing a detailed summary which I shall develop into a thesis… and then file it away!” she said, hopping a little in her barrel-half to represent the rapturous joy that seemed to possess Twilight at such thoughts.

Spike tried to stifle his laughter, but it erupted from him in a single snort.

“Oh no!” Celestia cried, painting feigned concern into her voice and shaking her head to frazzle her hair. “Something has gone slightly different that I had originally planned! I shall now devolve into a fit of hysteria!”

As a small tremor of her magic washed the coloring from her coat the princess smiled at him, noting how he was now laughing a touch. She and Luna then proceeded on to the next obstacle, the dragon unaware of her departing.

“Hey, hey!” he called out, “Now send your assistant off to fetch something… because you don’t have spares for the spares! Or, or… how about being so concerned with your spell that you don’t seem to realize that you’re hitting him with a rock! Or, hey, how about throwing him across the room because he tickled you! Or…”

Spike was deafened as a single bawl punctuated the air behind him. He turned around to find Twilight spinning around in a circle, dancing her hooves, and pelting off into her own magic as theatrical streams of water washed from her eyes.

“No, wait, Twi! I was being sarcastic! No, wait, was that sardonic? Whatever it was I’m sor…” he cried, once more waving his arms as she disappeared.


He turned back to face the smirking presence of Rainbow Dash.

“How long was she standing there?” he asked her.

“Long enough to make it hilarious,” she answered, bopping his nose again.

He groaned again, pinched the bridge of his nose, and sat down to watch the continuing debacle of the race as it unfolded.

Thud, thud, thud.

The two royal sisters approached the next obstacle, the apple toss.

As a few of the spectators finished swimming through the remaining pools of purple, they made their way back to the grandstand seats. They looked down to see the alicorns gaining the long table where the apples sat in the sun.

“Cast them hither, sister!” called Luna, arriving at the distant cask.

“Here they come, Luna!” cried Celestia, and with that she dropped her oak-shod hooves across the edge of the table, like she had witnessed Applejack do earlier.

As she did, a gasp went through the crowd. Each pony there imagined what new sort of mishap or tragedy would befall the princesses, the other competitors, or even themselves in the wake of this new challenge.

A bit of breathless anticipation went through the crowd as the apples lurched into the air, each pony in the grandstand wondering what sort of horror would be unleashed. Still others wondered what sort of spectacle they were about to witness.

As the glistening surfaces of the fruit went shimmering through the air, a high, collective whine escaped from those who sat in the bleachers. As the apples came closer and closer to Luna those in the grandstand grasped for their loved ones and breathed deep in anticipation.

The apples fell into the basket with ease.

“Well,” intoned Celestia, “that was simple enough.”

“Indeed!” replied Luna, and with that the two were off to the chicken coop beyond.

The ponies in the grandstand breathed an easy sigh of relief. Truly, the worst seemed to have passed. There was only one real event left, and then the quick dash to the finish. Wiping their foreheads with the back of their hooves the occupants of the grandstand congratulated themselves on surviving the Sisterhooves Social, and laugher began to rise from them.

That was when the first abomination arose from the chicken coop, tearing off into the sky with a cry like the voices of all the demons of Tartarus. The occupants of the grandstand huddled together in one large Equestrian lump, watching as it swooped once, twice, and then flew off to destinations unknown.

They could only stare in further disbelief as it happened again.

“I pray you, sister,” called Luna as the two alicorn sisters departed the chicken coop, carrying an egg between them. “Would this not be easier if you did not keep hatching the eggs with the radiance of the sun within you?”

Even as Luna said the words a tiny chick sprang to life from the egg they had been carrying, the newborn peeping happy.

“D’aaawwwwwwwwwwww!” cried the crowd in unison.

“Perhaps,” said an annoyed Celestia, trying her best to hop carefully in her barrel-half, “though I truly could not unless I risk having my power ebb and the solar system fall out of alignment again.

“Again?” came a defeated voice from the grandstand. With that a prominent Equestrian astrophysicist stood up from her seat, dumped her most recent thesis in a nearby garbage can, and went to sit under an apple tree and ponder her life.

“It would be equally as useful, I should say,” continued Celestia, “if you would not waft the dark powers of the night and your moon into them.”

With that the chick immediately grew to hundreds, then thousands of times its original size. At once its wings grew leathery and its talons sharp. The creature, a chickenodactyl of sorts, lifted into the air, screeched a sound filled with hopelessness and despair, and lifted into the skies above the farm.

“D’aaahhhhhhhhhhhh!” cried the crowd in unison.

“I see much truth in thy words, my sister,” Luna said, watching the creatures swooping to and fro, scattering the other competitors and very, very, very nearly making the massaging team give up their ministrations over Granny Smith. The “massaginists” continued seeing to the needs of the aged mare even as they pelted the chickenodactyls with various loose objects, their emptied bottles of oil, and Scootaloo.

“Mom?” she asked, bouncing off of one of the birds.

“Though,” Luna said as she lifted her shoulders, “if one doth but seek to fashion an omelet, one must break a few eggs.”

“Or turn them into terrifying creatures from beyond the darkest reaches of thought, it seems,” Celestia said, giving one a disapproving glance that sent it flying away over the horizon.

“Indeed!” Luna giggled.

“The moon pie eating competition should be absolutely amazing this year,” Celestia said with a grimace. “Come now, sister, look! The pathway to victory is open for us! We simply must leap the hurdle and dash to the finish! Come now!”

As the other teams lay about in shell-shocked confusion they watched their sovereigns begin the final stretch of the race.

“Yes!” cried Rainbow Dash in a victorious laugh, rising into the air on a powerful beat of her wings. With a loop she landed back beside Spike. “This has been stupid, but it’s almost over the only way it could have ended! With. Me. Winning!”

“I can’t watch!” cried Spike, listening as the princesses thudded their way towards victory.

Thud, thud, thud.



The tired competitors, the loyal spectators… passing chickenodactyls… they all looked down to see Celestia once more face down in the dust, her barrel-half having been caught upon the hurdle.

“Oh dear,” she said, “I seem to have known some difficulty with my bunghole.”

In unison, the entire gathering of sisters and spectators snorted a stifled laugh.

That is, until the other sets of sisters realized that this was their one last hope of crossing the line first.

“Sister!” Luna cried, a particularly competitive tone dripping out of her that sent Berry Punch and Berry Pinch circling in fear and alarm before they zipped past her towards the distant finish line. “Quickly! Victory eludes us! I shall use my magic to finally remove the obstruction!”

“No, Luna!” cried Celestia, shifting her weight and trying to get back to her hooves… errr, barrel. “Sister! That is not fair! We promised not to…”

Still, it was useless. Luna’s competitive nature arose within her, and at once night magic and a spell of teleportation arose in dark colors around her horn. Her eyes shone, her wings went wide…

… and that’s when a bawling Twilight Sparkle exited a poof of her magic, running straight into the Nightbringer.

Luna’s spell was cast as she fell to the earth, Twilight once more disappearing as the magic arced wide.

Luna’s teleportation spell fell among a small crowd nearby…

The sounds of diamond dogs locked in battle arose over the mountains that lined the cliffs around the fjord.

Nightmarish beings that looked like the unholy result of a drunken escapade in a cheap hotel room between a chicken, a pterodactyl, and an umbrella swooped down at them. As the calls of the abominations reached them the dogs were stunned by the sound. It was a vile noise, one that made them blanch, fall to the ground in fear, and made some wish that they had made earlier bathroom breaks.

They rallied on one another, their spears held high, trying to shield themselves from the onslaught of the chickenodactyls.

In a moment of respite, Rex threw his sword into the earth and extended his paws. He collapsed to the dirt, and then sat up and to his knees.

He looked deep into the reflection in the blade, and then with his arms still held in front of him he leaned back and called out to the sky.

“Lord Snoopy!” he brayed. “Rex seek! Rex and dogs fetch! Dogs come to Equestria to find gems! Dogs only have really, really, really bad time! Why? What must Rex do!?”

He choked a single choking cough, and then went back to his exhortations.

“What must Rex do!? What would you have Rex do to save dogs! What must Rex do to save dogs from poultry-based fate!” he cried, the words lifting from him in a plea.

There was the soft pop of magic.

Rex suddenly felt weight in his hands. There was softness there, and for some reason there was a flowery scent that lifted from… oil? Oil on his paws?

He blinked, leaned forward, and looked at what rested in his paws.

The old, green, wrinkled, oiled mare seemed not to have realized that she’d left the farm and the team of masseurs that had been giving her such welcome and professional service for the last few minutes.

“Now then,” said Granny Smith, her eyes still closed, “Ah think it’s worth talkin’ ‘bout if this here little bit o’ fun is gonna have a happy endin’…”

Rex’s scream echoed out along the mountainside, down the fjord, and out over the sea beyond.

“Come, sister!” Luna cried. “The race is…”

Her head panned to the finish line. As it did it revealed the trembling forms of Rarity and Sweetie Belle standing there as a very nervous looking official smiled, sweated, and prepared to give them their medals.

The entire assemblage turned and looked at Luna.

“… over,” she concluded. “Oh well!”

“That is that then!” said Celestia. “Well played, let us go congratulate them!”

“Indeed!” replied Luna, and with that the crowd picked their jaws off the ground.

The sudden whoop of a dragon whelp lifted from the grandstand, and as he began to dance his dance the sound of a small whine escaping from a pegasus mare provided the soundtrack.

“Dashie is my slave, doo doo! Dashie is my slave, doo doo!” he sang as he bounced around. “Dashie, Dashie, slave, slave, slave, whooty whooty whoo!”

Together the two went down to the finish line, Dash emitting miserable tones the whole way down to where the princesses stood pouring their praise over the other competitors.

There was a poof of magic, and at once Spike stopped dancing. Before Twilight could teleport away again he wrapped her tight in a hug, not releasing her until he was sure that she had calmed.

“I’m sorry Twi! I was being sardonic! Or, depending upon the situation, sarcastic! I don’t really think you treat me like a slave! Well, not all the time, anywho…” he said quickly, not giving her a chance to speak.

He looked up to see that she was pointing down at something, and with that he looked all around himself. There, around Twilight, stood all twelve of his favorite ice cream flavors in large three-gallon tubs.

“Really, Twi? Can I?” he asked, his eyes sparkling. She nuzzled him, and with that Spike had to admit that the day had turned out better than he had imagined it would.

The princesses were now near them, and all of the ponies bowed as Celestia gave a quick shake of her mane, returning it from the pink to the great rolling waves of light and color that drifted on the solar winds.

And, noticeably, she did so without the theatrics that it took to reduce them.

With a simple flexing of her strength the barrel-half flew into splinters. The crowd watched in shock as Celestia’s bunghole was devastated.

Now, with a single flash of deep magic, both sisters cleared themselves of the dust, the sweat, and the juices that had poured over them during the competition.

“Rainbow Dash?” Celestia asked. “Would you come here, please?”

The pegasus lowered her head and walked towards her sovereigns.

“When we but arrived here,” spoke Luna, looking down over the pegasus, “we came not to compete, but to partake in the frivolity. Yet, in an instant, we gathered your meaning when you flew away with such a look in your eyes.”

Dash sighed a guilty sigh.

“We were soon to be on our way to deal with an… issue,” Luna said. With that both sister’s heads turned towards a distant fjord. “But upon seeing what thou had but planned for the poor dupe, we knew our place was here.”

“We ran the race, but in the end what you thought would be our advantages actually turned out to be a distraction and a bother,” Celestia said, painting a motherly tone into her voice. Upon hearing it, Dash was able to raise her head and look at the princesses.

“Rainbow Dash, you are strong, loyal, and brave, and we all make mistakes. I think that there is one thing that you should know, though,” the older sister began.

“Y-Yes, Princess,” Dash said, lifting her face. “You are right, it was unfair of me to force Spike into the bet. I should have considered his feelings.”

“Yes,” Celestia said with a warm smile, “I am very glad that you learned that important lesson...

... but, what I wanted to tell you,” she said, her smile curling up in a smirk, “is that you are screwed.”

As Dash fell back over in a groan, Spike once more began his victorious dance, Twilight joining in with him as they circled the prostrate form of the pegasus.

There was a poof of magic, and as a suspiciously contented Granny Smith rejoined the assembly she gathered up some ribbons.

“Yer’ Majesties,” she said, with a twinkle in her eyes, “we’re really glad that ya’ joined us down here at the Social this year… really, really thankful, as it were. So, here’s some nice ribbons for ya’!”

The sisters’ faces shone as the ribbons were affixed to them, the word “Participant” standing out boldly upon them.

“Come ye’, one and all!” Luna shouted. “Partake in the victory feast!”

The magic of the sisters lifted the treats that had been laid out earlier and placed them on the long tables. Soon all of the ponies were dining happily.

Eventually, the food began to wane. Rainbow Dash yelped in shock as eleven cold, hard containers of ice cream were stacked upon her back, and as she steadied them with her wings she fell into line behind Spike and Twilight.

Spike turned around upon Twilight’s back, looking over his dairy-based hoard even as he dug into an opened container.

“Awww, it’ll be okay, Dash,” he said, patting her head with the back of his spoon. “I’m not gonna be too tough on ya’! Hey, you might even like spending the week as my slave!”

“Bet ya’ double or nothing that I don’t,” she said, attempting to paint what she thought was irony into her voice.

“Oh, sure,” said Twilight in a mocking tone, “go ahead and bet against Spike again! That alllllways works out sooooo well for you!”

Dash lifted her head, snarled, and muttered. “Okay, yeah, now that’s sarcasm.”

“Buck yeah it was!” laughed the dragon.


As the crowd began to thin, the sisters walked to a secluded spot, and placed the ribbons on the nearby table. The ribbons began to fall…

Meanwhile, the sisters zipped around the course unseen, gathered up some grape juice, skipped over the obstacles in a blur of motion, gathered up some treats, and sat down again.

… and caught the ribbons before they touched the ground.

“Thou wert truly marvelous, my big sister,” Luna said, grinning happily as she began to munch.

“You played your part equally as well, my little sister,” Celestia answered, touching her muzzle to the crumb-strewn face of her sister.

The two ageless, seemingly divine sisters sat there, enjoying their company and the good food of the farm.

“I particularly like how quickly you caught onto my pie-eating farce,” Celestia said with a giggle.

“I noted thee refusing to partake of the banana cream pies,” Luna said. “I recall that you detest them.”

“Horrid things, bananas,” Celestia said as she shook. “I can not understand why anyone would like them. I am also impressed by your creativity with the chickens.”

“Ah, yes,” Luna said with some small satisfaction. “Truly, they were inspired. All too soon they shall but complete their purpose, and return here anon and return to chicks. I do wish I could see the looks on the faces of our guests as they faced them, though.”

“That will end soon enough as well,” nodded Celestia.


In Canterlot, Pony “Doughnut” Joe was just finishing his day. It was already one o’clock, and his bakery and cafe were wrapped up nice and tight. He sat staring at the familiar faces in the picture frames above the counter before addressing them with a smile.

“Beanie. Gents,” he said with a bow, and with that he clicked off the lights.

In his kitchen, he put the little cap and his dirty apron in the hamper. He was just about to close the door to the closet when he heard the sound of magic gathered near him.

He sat there, his forelegs wide, as a very deep and a very powerful magic covered him. There was a soft pop, and with the magic cleared.

Joe looked down to find a rather surprised, and rather attractive, mare in his forelegs and lap.

“Hello?” he said, rolling back slightly so that she rested more comfortably.

“Oh! Oh… umm, are… are you, Joe?” she asked, a bright blush going over her face.

“Why, yes, miss… yes, I am,” he said with a laugh, her infectious blush leaping to him as well.

“Hi,” she said. “Hi! I’m… I‘m Allspice.”

“Hello, Miss Allspice,” he said, his gaze still falling down into her eyes.

As she rested there, caught in the warmth of his presence, drifting in his gaze, she made no move to raise herself out of the cradling touch of this gentle stranger.

And Joe certainly made no motion to make her leave…

Around the bakery all went quiet, a lovely silence that was only interrupted by the distinctive sounds high overhead of the cries of terrified diamond dogs being carried back to Canida by chickenodactyls.

Back at the farm, a few more quiet moments passed before Celestia spoke again.

“It is good for them, our children, to see us this way. At least, from time to time,” she said as she gazed over the course once more. “I should hate for them to feel imposed by us, just because we have certain advantages. I like seeming all too mortal, at times, for I should hate for them to ever see us as goddesses or something of that ilk.”

“Goddesses! Couldst thou but imagine?” laughed Luna as she turned some of the grape juice into fine wine. “What nonsense!”

With that the sisters sat quietly, enjoying the company of the other. When their meals were finished they lifted their wings and let the deep magic of their land sweep over them, catching in their eternally tossing manes.

“I shall still rock the National Moon Pie Eating Championship mightily, though,” Luna declared.

“Of course.”


Comments ( 500 )

Ah, comedy!
It was a while sinds I last read comedy, I'll be sure to check it out once I have time :rainbowkiss:

*klicks read later*

Sweet Apple Acres was so thick with estrogen that it seemed to hang in the atmosphere with a visible pinkish haze.

So substantial was the presence of such an environmental hormone imbalance that even a stallion as manly and endued with excess testosterone as Big Macintosh could scarcely breath without having the lingering urge to talk about his feelings and eat dark chocolate.

You... Oh lord :rainbowlaugh: alright, I'll return again once I finish...

Gonna put this on my "read later" list. So many things, so many things.

Well my reaction to pretty much everything in this story.....

Also, is that a little spoiler with Joe and Allspice, pertaining to perhaps your next story??:trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:
And if not, then I demand it to be!!!!! :twilightangry2::flutterrage::twilightangry2:
After you and Raven finish Of Apples And Roses, of course!!:twilightsheepish::twilightsheepish::twilightsheepish:

Oh my goodness gracious... This is the funniest thing I has read in a looooonnnngggg time :rainbowlaugh:

I nearly burst into laughter during my English class. That's how funny it was! But that would've been awkward if I did burst into laughter since it's silent reading, and I'm supposed to be reading Harry Potter, which isn't all that funny.... Oh well :scootangel:

So basically, this made my day. It was beautifully written (per usual) and was funny without being stupid. You write with a subtle sense of humor, that's HILARIOUS when you pick up on it :pinkiehappy:

Well, I should probably get back to class... Though I really don't want to.... I wish I could read fanfiction for choice reading....


Ah, such a wonderful read! :twilightsmile: Between the diamond dogs being hit with everything but a kitchen sink, and the multiple times the word bunghole brought back Beavis and Butt-Head memories, I throughly enjoyed this! Oh, and the rest of the story was delightful as well.

That's just amazing :pinkiehappy: I am thoroughly amused and entertained by the nonsensical application of semidivine wisdom from the diarchy.

The air that hovered around Sweet Apple Acres was so thick with estrogen that it seemed to hang in the atmosphere with a visible pinkish haze.

Oh God, dat opening. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.png

[...] Big Macintosh could scarcely breath without[...]


listening as Twilight appeared and disappeared in the far distance in poofs of her magic, still wailing noticeably

What DO you smoke while you write that gives you such hilarious mental images? I want it.
This is the literary equivalent of a group portrait via Skype, where everyone is shouting out suggestions like "make the shark shoot lazers out of his eyes" and "the sun should be holding a knife!"

In conclusion: There. Are. No. Words. Should have... sent a... very... stoned poet...

*rest elbows on desk, stipples hands in front of face after adjusting the light just so so eyes can't be seen through glasses* All according to plan.

Good god this is hilarious.

The Awesome on these pages is so great, it deserves to be bottled and applied to Rainbow Dash daily by a specially picked team of Swedish bikini models.

Oh man, T.D. Your comedy fics are always fun to read, even if some of it goes a little further into brainbleach territory than I would like (Granny Smith's "happy ending," for example, repeated and gratuitous use of the word "bunghole"). I definitely laughed out loud several times - particularly at anything Celestia did without mentioning the bunghole, and all of Luna's antics.

It's interesting that this one points to being part of your canon, unlike the apparent side-stories of "Dear Idiot" and "Bailout."

I'm glad you write a variety of styles. :)

I loved the part with my buddy :eeyup: I felt sorta bad for him though

I'm surprised that it took this long to see something like this, actually.

Once again TD, you've outdone yourself. By far one of the most hilarious fics I've ever read, and it has the best opening to a story ever! I can only hope one day my comedy can become as funny as your's, but until then I'lll just keep on reading and giggling under my breath like a little girl.:pinkiehappy:

It's been a while since I've read a great comedy with a coherent plot. I did feel bad for Twilight as the child she shares a parental/guardian relationship with says that she mistreats him. The parts with the Diamond Dogs were hilarious. Allspice being told by Celestia to have children with a donut shoppe owner that she doesn't know in order to genetically engineer a race of super bakers. :rainbowhuh: :rainbowlaugh: Also this one of the few fan fictions that made me learn some things.

Sardonic-- is an adjective and it means: Grimly mocking or cynical. Funny enough its synonym is sarcastic.


A gem of your choice from my hoard. This is a riot, from the bunghole jokes to Lord Snoopy.
Yours is some of the best comedy on this site. Keep it up.

In the grandstand, several older sisters found themselves having to explain to their younger siblings the type of things that happen when an ageless, supposedly immortal, and supposedly divine alicorn and a pie love each other very much.

“Biscuit really like her mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!”

“Mom?” she asked, bouncing off of one of the birds.

With a simple flexing of her strength the barrel-half flew into splinters. The crowd watched in shock as Celestia’s bunghole was devastated.

I can't even... :rainbowlaugh:

In Canterlot, Pony “Doughnut” Joe was just finishing his day.

Joe had a cameo? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.

Overall thoughts? Well, first, you did it. I mean, I remember the blog post and thinking it was an absolutely brilliant idea. And then here it is. And it's brilliant.

Second, this is easily the funniest thing I've ever read. The Diamond Dogs, the antics of the sisters... Comedy gold, sir. Comedy gold. :rainbowlaugh:


Awwwwww. Such a cute pic. It reeled me in, and I'm staying.

As always with your stories, *fav* and *thumbs up* prior to reading since I already know that I will love it. I will post my response to the actual story once I finish reading it.

Faving to read later. This looks like it could be quite hilarious. :trollestia:

I dearly want to find out what happens at the Moon Pie Eating Championship. This was hilarious and a nice pick me up during a rough day. Thank you

Aw shit. :pinkiesmile:

I look forward to your thoughts when you do!

I can't wait to hear what you think!

I know, right?:twilightsmile:

Indeed it is!

I'm very glad that you liked it!

That too! Thanks for reading and commenting!

I can't claim that it's actually a lead-in, but GiantMako wrote a story with Joe's son... I thought it would be nice to give a hint where the colt came from!:raritywink:

I'm just waitin' on word from Dag as to when we're gonna finish Of Proses!

Thanks for the spelling catch, Matt. I shall fix it presently. In regards to your question, I smoke nothing... this is exactly what it looks like inside my head at all times!

I'm glad you liked it! I hope I didn't go too far into the "Trollestia" or "Trolluna" in this, did I?

I'm sure you will! I'm glad I could give ya' a giggling fit!

I actually have to disagree with that definition of "sardonic". Sardonicism deals with the situations, and sarcasm deals with individuals. Well, at least that's what I was taught? Anywho, I'm glad that you enjoyed it! I always look forward to hearing from you!

Thank you so much for doing so! I greatly appreciate you saying that. Thanks for reading!

Don't keep passing out like that! You might not wake up, and I can't afford to lose any readers!:raritywink:

He took it well! Thanks for reading and commenting!

Always love to hear your thoughts, CS! Thanks for reading this one as well!

I'll love to hear your thoughts when ya' finish it!

An appropriate macro! Thanks for reading and commenting!

You know that I look forward to your thoughts!

I look forward to seeing what you think of it!

You are very welcome, and I hope you are having a better day!

Heh, I'm glad you enjoyed it!:twilightsmile:

Heh, it gets real up in here!:twilightsheepish:

No you didn't, they didn't do this for their own personal enjoyment at the expense of others so they are not trolls as defined by the Protect Celestia charter, "A defense for Princess Celestia".

This story was great. XD I laughed many a time while reading this.

Yeah, I was curious what that one meant so I looked it on google and now, I'm looking at in my paperback dictionary.

Sarcastic, sardonic
->These words have similar enough meanings.Sarcastic means cruelly ironic, taunting. Sardonic means scornful, but with a sense of humor rather than cruelty.<--> Sadonic owes its origin to the plant known in Latin as herba Sardonia, because it causes facial contortions when eaten.

Then when you reach Sadonic, it says adj. sneering, sarcastic.

It's a fun word, and hey even if people hated the story at least they can say they learned something. :derpytongue2:


I read this while at work, and I now have to resist the urge to walk around yelling bunghole.

A old friend of mine drew the image you used for this story. Could you please put the source up?: http://cuteskitty.deviantart.com/art/Sisterhooves-290132278

So bucking awesome, words cannot express.:rainbowkiss:

Pay ya' five bucks to do it!:raritywink:

I do believe that I credited him. CuteSkitty's name is right under my name in the title. Perhaps you hadn't noticed? He gave me permission to use the piece months ago, and I certainly wouldn't use an artists work without their consent. I hope you enjoyed the work!:twilightsmile:

I'm very glad you liked it, Mask!:pinkiesmile:

Gotcha! Sorry, I was only looking for it on the cover page.

Priceless. Utterly priceless.

Alt. Title: SPOLIER: Celestia And Luna Win

Ha that was funny, nice work!

Also, a sequel of Rainbowdash's week would be funny.

Whereas all the mares and fillies are there to compete in athletic competition, wouldn't that also work as Amazonian (as in, like the Amazons?). Anywho, thanks for discussing syntax with me. Thanks for reading and commenting!:twilightsmile:

It would be neat, wouldn't it?:raritywink:

Thanks for taking the time to read and leave me a note!:pinkiesmile:


Your welcome, good luck on your other works!

Yeah, the little back-and-forth about "sarcastic" and "sardonic" are what make the Dash/Spike interplay so fun to write! I'm glad you took the time to leave me a note!:twilightsmile:

I thought so! Thanks a bunch, Lurk... oh, and nice hat!:raritywink:

Aw, c'mon Spike, being Rainbow Dash's slave wouldn't be so horrible, would it? She might have something kinky in mind! Well, obviously not, but the possibility is what prompted me to look beyond the synopsis. Ever since Spike's Super Amazing Rocket Sled of Awesome, I had hoped you would put your creative energies toward another freaking excellent comedy, and then I came across this one without even noticing who the author was at first!

No one can make me laugh quite the way you can. Not only is the situation [strike]pants-crappingly hysterical[/strike] rather entertaining, there are a few clever instances where you made the English language itself work for the humor, like Dash's inadvertent demonstration of irony. And look, there's even some meme-based humor … and it's almost entirely food-based … and now I'm wondering how a chicken-banana pie would taste.

When most writers make fun of the Spike-is-Twilight's-slave gag, they exaggerate it and build the humor from that situation. It comes as no surprise that you would put a more delightful - but no less entertaining - spin on it. I really expected Twilight to begin calming down just as Celestia started making fun of her, then run away bawling even harder for new reasons. I also expected her subplot would merge with the Diamond Dogs' by having her teleport there purely by coincidence. It probably would've gone something like this:

Twilight: “Waaahhhhhh!
Rex: “Now we assaulted by crying ponies! Why we suffer so much? Why?
[Old Blue marches up to Twilight.]
Old Blue: “Why pony cry?”
Twilight: *sniffle* “M-My friend thinks I t-treat him like a slave b-because I work him too hard.”
[Old Blue nods wisely and thinks for a minute, then reaches a decision.]
Old Blue: “Then your friend work for you no more!”
Twilight: “What? I can't send him away, he's too important to me!”
Old Blue: “No send him away. He no longer work for you because we work for you!”
Rex [catching on]: “Yes! Our Lord Snoopy wishes it so. You treat us like slaves instead!”
Twilight: “Ummm … okay.”

And that's how Twilight and Spike ended up with a whole crew of workers who proceeded to make their lives easy as pie and effectively compensated for Spike's comparatively short week as Dash's slave.

This is going straight to my favorites. You can bet your bunghole I plan to read it again someday.

I'm now convinced that "bunghole" is not a real word.

Fine ending for what was a supremely silly story! You hit a good balance of farce and meaningful stuff here.

It isa touch gross, isn't it?:pinkiehappy:

I couldn't overdo the "slave" thing, as their relationship is the most important part of the series to me. I'm glad it came across as carefree, though, and I like your little scene there!:twilightsmile:

It is real! I promise!


I'm glad it was just the right mix, Lurk!:twilightsmile:

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on it!:twilightsmile:

Dash had "Sardonicism" confused with "Sadism".:twilightoops:

A chance of Luna and Celestia losing in a battle against mortals because of a bunch of bs?! DO NOT WANT. Thumbs up anyway.


Quick look:

The sense of humor in this fic is interesting, especially when compared to the ship situation irony humor, puns or the more aggressive innuendo. I can't place my hoof on it, but your writing style is unique - keep it up.

I've never seen such fancy language used to describe such juvenile humor before.

It was actually pretty awesome.

But, merciful princesses, I haven't heard the word "bunghole" used in cold blood in... over a decade. :derpyderp1:

Bunghole : a hole for emptying or filling a cask.
Thou art a fool to question thy author's grammatical acumen.
It's really fun to speak in that way.
Oh, and I like the story too. It was really funny.

Marvelous story ! :pinkiehappy:

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