• Member Since 14th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen July 13th

Bronystories


T
Source

In the ancient city of Sodom, Lyra and Bon Bon sneak onto Noah's Ark by pretending to be husband and wife. Thanks to a fake horn on Bon Bon, the human prophet Noah thinks the two marefriends are the missing unicorn couple he needed for the ark.

Can Lyra and Bon Bon keep their true identities hidden from Noah? It won't be easy when their every move is being scrutinized by the cripplingly homophobic earth pony couple. Will Evangelical Hope and her husband Adamic Faith expose Lyra and Bon Bon for who they are, or will this forty day cruise be smooth sailing?

Cover image by Why485

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 283 )

This is Bronystories wishing everyone a peaceful Good Friday. :twilightsmile:

Please enjoy the story and thanks for all the feedback! :yay:

I see in no way which this could go wrong.

Commence read.

A new adventure sets sail.

Bible parody, gay ponies.
Could this get any better?

New bible headcanon. I'm going to take a crayon to all the bibles in my church to fix them.

New christian influenced story = INSTANT WIN!!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Oh yeah. This is gonna be awesome! :yay:

Wow... uhh,,, this was.... this was pretty good, despite my original thought. :twilightoops: Take all my faves!

Suckling on Lot's wife? Classic!

As a Christian....I shouldn't need to explain the dislike....:ajbemused:

Bronystories....I am disappoint.

Oh well, no use crying like a baby or wishing that God strikes you down or something. Believe me, he's got better things to do then strike down anybody who disagrees with me.

I now will go. Goodbye.

*leaves thread and ignores story*

Very good read, Mr. Bronystories, very good read indeed. Solid under-the-table adult humor, excellent portrayal of old world hedonistic pagan rituals, and your comprehension and induction of various aspects from this particular chapter of the bible (especially that ending portion) were just straight up ingenious. Every downvote you get is surely wrongfully cast upon you by people so tasteless, if I were to cook them they'd taste exactly like Hawaiian poi. A fine example of this, is the buzzkill of an uptight twat above me. Clearly didn't even take the time to read this beauty. But I have to ask: won't you melt if you don't write something loaded with smut:rainbowlaugh:? Anyhow, this is looking to be marvelous, I definitely like!

Loathe,
Your Antagonist

Hoboy. You've got some balls, writing about this. Early this month, I got into a huge flame war for writing a grimdark story with religious themes. Thing is, I caught hell from atheists, not theists.

This one looks promising, quality-wise, but I can see it being hated by both. Brace yourself...

AJ

Haven't read it, but is this supposed to be a knock on Christians?

2340361 Funny. As a Jew, I find this hilarious.

As a Christian, I find this hilarious.

Go on. Hit me.

:twilightsheepish:

Before I even read the story itself, that was the best story summary I have ever heard.

As an atheist I find this interesting!

Does that mean all the other ponies drowned?

Oni

2337762 oh good god a fic from you that doesnt make me wish brain bleach existed!

The EFU niggers are back!

I haven't even started reading this and I already know that it is going to be the best thing ever just by reading the description.

2340403 As an Atheist, I found this clever, funny and worthy of a thumbs up.
Anybody who calls stuff like this blasphemy needs to take a chill pill. This story isn't being offered as anything other than a work of total fiction

2340327
What can I say? Ponies love their salt licks.

You, sir, have not been reading the proper source material. (Or, in this case, listening)

2340361
Trust me. This isn't meant to bash Christians, gays, Jews or anyone else.

I believe in Jesus Christ. As the story progresses, you will be able to feel my deep and abiding love for my Savior.

This spiritual reflection is just intermingled with the antics of cross-dressing unicorn lesbians.

2340398
Thanks for the feedback! If you enjoyed my details in this chapter, you're going to love my descriptions on the inner-workings of the ark in the next chapter.

Look for it on Easter Sunday. :scootangel:

Yes... YES!!! YEEESSSSS!!!!

Finally! Someone figures out how to put religious themes in a pony story but do it right!

Cue the holy chorus!

Okay i can just imagine bonbon with her mane cut short and that 'disfigured unicorn horn' strapped to her forehead, if they get by noah they are either masters of disguise or noah had his share of wine that day. I love this story and I find it hilarious that this would happen, plus it explains why there are no more unicorns on this planet, maybe the earth ponies and unicorns can cross-breed to save their species...

2340929
Bon Bon's hair is short and curly, but still long enough to conceal the straps of the strap-on "horn."

..."maybe the earth ponies and unicorns can cross-breed to save their species..."

4.bp.blogspot.com/-8K-LkGP3owo/TfOicsj4yVI/AAAAAAAAAD8/3cVdjmFrHkE/s1600/12941%2B-%2Bew_gay%2BLyra%2Bmegasweet.jpg

Wait wait wait. So Lyra is the reason I can't have a unicorn?!? Damn you, Lyra! Why couldn't you just take one for the team and get nailed by some stranger!

As a Christian I was a little hesitant to read this, but...I'm going to give this a shot because after reading the comments I find that the author is a Jesus fearing Christian as well.:scootangel:

Also, I thought I would put these scriptures that any brony (Christian or otherwise) would find extremely interesting.

Job 39:9-10, Deuteronomy 33:17, Numbers 23:22 and 24:8; Psalms 22:21, 29:6 and 92:10; and Isaiah 34:7

Each one of these passages mentions a beast called "Re'em" which translates into "Unicorn"...So, according to the Bible, Unicorns existed.:raritystarry::twilightsmile:

Must... resist temptation... to point out... massive moral and physical problems with... flood story.

:deep breath:

Ah, phewew... there we go. Right. Now then, I like what you did with the setting somewhat. I'm not sure how to take the whole "sacrificing animals to Baal" thing, especially given that the Abrahamic God was a-okay with that itself. But then again this story is a fictionalized account of a piece of mythology that still influences the world's two largest religions today, so the hell with that kind of nitpicking. :pinkiecrazy:

In any case, I suspect that at some point (Day 39) the two get outed and are about to get tossed overboard when God decides to show up and check on how Noah was doing...

God: "Yo, Noah what is up-what are you doing too those two ponies?
Noah: "My Lord! This Unicorn and ordinary pony are lovers!"
God: "And?"
Noah: "Well, their female."
God: "Yeah, I see that. And that justifies you killing them because..."
Noah: "Well, Leviticus-"
God: "Oh, medammit! Leviticus again?! Look, that guy was a deafer then a box of rocks. I say my greatest dream is a world without booze and he puts down "world without Jews". I mean, I made sure I got that piece of scripture burned but I just know the angel I had editing left some stuff in. That's why he is now the operator for the telephone with hell and believe me that is a very hot line!"
Noah: "So... what you are saying is..."
God: "I'm saying I don't have any problem with gays! Love is love and if I never intended males to sleep with males or females with females then why the hell would I have added the genetic and biochemical factors that influence sexual orientation? So, look... just let the two stay on the boat."
Noah: "But... My Lord, now there is only one Unicorn!"
God: "Oh, hey that's right. Well that pushes a few things ahead of schedule, so don't worry about it. I'm saved some awkwardness when I finish the book, although that doesn't really say much all things considering. Anyways, keep them on."
Noah: "... Yes My Lord."
Bon Bon: (somewhat bewildered) "Lyra... what just happened?"

:pauses:
I just wrote that, didn't I? :twilightoops:

Anyways, one thing that leaps out at me: what about the pegasus? I mean, should be pretty easy for them to avoid the flood. Hell, the Big G is even providing the clouds for them to wait the flood out on!

This story sort of breaks a few Christian Morals. :rainbowhuh:

I have nothing of value to add here.
HOWEVER.
I do finally have a scenario where I can use this...

As a Catholic, I find this a pretty neat idea, also, learning of the Re'em is also cool. Plus, I was like WHAT? when you mentioned the salt lick. By reading the segment of the story before it, and remembering what happened with Sodom and Lot, I realized thet started licking on Lot's wife's (I don;t think we ever learn her name in ANY Scripture) salt hand. BronyStories, sir/ma'am. you are a mad genius.

2341551
I don't plan on having any Monty Python-eque God who speaks to Noah by parting the clouds.
skepticmoney.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/God-monty-python.jpg

As for the animal sacrificing... you'll just have to wait and read the rest of the story.

2341735

I have nothing of value to add here.

That's never stopped you before. :ajsmug:

But seriously, that song was pretty hilarious. :applejackunsure:

"Hey Noah, we understand you're trying to preserve animal life..." Lyra said.

"And we do have experience working in a sperm bank..." Bon Bon added.

Nah, that's not gonna happen in this story. :twilightoops::rainbowwild:

2341436

Wait......REALLY?!:pinkiegasp:

*scoots over to bookshelf....*
*pulls down old, heavily abused book.....*
*Flips through pages*
*Mutters..."job 39.....verse...9..."
"'..will the wild ox consent to serve.....' ummm, nuu....." :applejackunsure:

*flips a few more pages*
"Deuter...33...17...." "'Magesty he's like a firstborn bull, his horns are the horns of a wild ox....'" "hehe, joseph's an ox....why do i find that funny? God called both Esau and saul an ass..... Off topic. :twilightsheepish:

*flip**flip**flip**flip*.....
"Numbers....23....whatsitagain? Ah. 22." *flip*
"'...God brought them out of Egypt.....they have the strength of a whild ox....' Dammit. I'm seein a pattern here." :facehoof:

Hey, um, what translation you have? I've had this NIV for years, and need to do some cross referencing.... this ol' thing's starting to fall apart anyways. :twistnerd:

2341785 And you say that I rant all the time. :duck:
Besides, I really don't matter here. I'm just a tourist.

Never even read the bible either, but I don't plan on changing that anytime soon. :scootangel:

2339808
I've seen cupcakes, watched squidward's suicide, played amnesia at 2:00 in the morning..... But you.... you scare me.

2340716

This spiritual reflection is just intermingled with the antics of cross-dressing unicorn lesbians.

And truly, what is more Christian than that?

I only have one question: Are there any other MLP species like pegasi, alicorns, and griffins?

Login or register to comment