//------------------------------// // Cruisin' for Confusion // Story: Lyra and Bon Bon's Forty Day Cruise // by Bronystories //------------------------------// The mighty ark rested proudly atop a hill. Large torches illuminated the boat’s perimeter. The vessel was constructed from gopher wood and measured four-hundred and fifty feet long, seventy-five feet wide and forty-five feet high. It was taller than a three story building. As Lyra and Bon Bon approached the ark, their mouths hung open in amazement. “It’s beautiful,” Bon Bon said. A line of animals stood patiently as they waited to board the ark. Two by two; male and female. Lyra and Bon Bon stood behind a zebra couple, who were waiting their turn. "Remember," Lyra said, "When it's our turn to board, just act like everything's natural. If we can fool Noah, you and I will have free food for the next forty days." "And a warm bed to sleep in." Bon Bon added, excitedly. She closed her eyes and nuzzled Lyra’s neck. "And a warm mare to sleep with," Lyra said. Bon Bon’s eyes shot open. She looked around cautiously and tried to act masculine. "You mean stallion, right honey?" Bon Bon asked in a gruff voice. Lyra covered her mouth with her forehoof; realizing her faux pas. "Of course," Lyra said, blushing. Feeling the need to overcompensate, Lyra wanted everyone to know how heterosexual she was. "Yes, my husband, whom I am madly in love with," Lyra said loudly, "I can't wait to get on that ark and start making babies with you!" The zebra couple turned their heads around and stared awkwardly at Lyra. They both raised an eyebrow. Bon Bon blushed while Lyra had a huge, embarrassed grin. "You’ll have to excuse my virgin bride’s eagerness," Bon Bon said, as she lovingly rubbed Lyra’s flank, "She's never known a stallion before." The zebras seemed convinced and resumed facing forward. The male zebra turned his head back towards Bon Bon for a moment and gave her a congratulatory sly wink. Bon Bon grimaced and returned his gesture with an embarrassed shrug. When no one was looking at them, Lyra and Bon Bon breathed a sigh of relief. “So, I’m the virgin, huh?” Lyra whispered snarkily to Bon Bon, “That’s a laugh, considering all the things I’ve taught you.” Bon Bon’s face became beet red. The sky flashed with lightning as loud, thunderous rumblings were heard throughout Sodom. Bon Bon glanced up at the sky, cautiously. "So, Noah thinks the Earth will be flooded..." Bon Bon said, warily. "Don't worry," Lyra said, "There's no chance of that actually happening." She made sure to whisper quietly enough so that the zebras in front of them didn't hear. "But won't Noah look silly with a boat filled with animals if there's no flood?" Bon Bon asked. "He may decide to kick us out before the forty days are up, but I doubt it," Lyra said, "These religious types will usually say anything to avoid looking foolish. Noah will probably continue as planned for the full forty days, even without a flood." "But won't the people question why the Earth wasn't flooded?" Bon Bon asked. "Noah will probably just talk his way out of it," Lyra said, "He'll tell everyone that it wasn't meant to be a physical flood, but a spiritual flood of sin, or some BS like that." "Religion is confusing," Bon Bon said. The parade of animals advanced quickly until it was nearly Lyra and Bon Bon’s turn. The male zebra rendered his ticket unto Noah, who welcomed the couple aboard the ark. One of Noah’s sons led the zebras to their holding pen. When Noah turned back around, he saw one last pair of animals waiting to board. Lyra and Bon Bon stood at the ark entrance, smiling. They were met at the door by Angel and Noah. The prophet was holding onto his shepherd’s crook. A small lantern was dangling from the end of it. Angel had a large quill in his hand and was finalizing his last minute checklist. When Angel noticed Lyra, he was shocked to see her again. Lyra levitated Angel’s business card over to Noah, who examined it before glancing down at his assistant. "Good work, Angel Bunny," Noah said, "I was afraid that the unicorns would not survive the flood." Angel blinked in disbelief and looked up at Noah trepidatiously. He cautiously put a checkmark in the unicorn box, even though the category was still crossed out. Angel slowly glanced up from his checklist and squinted suspiciously at Lyra. “Welcome aboard the ark,” Noah said as he gestured for the couple to enter, “This is a sacred vessel; watched over and protected by the hand of Almighty God.” Lyra and Bon Bon bowed reverently as they walked past Noah and into the ark. "Now that the last of the animals are on board, I'll seal up the entrance," Noah said, "Angel, please escort our unicorn friends to their living quarters." Angel continued to stare suspiciously at Lyra. Bon Bon felt self conscience and made sure to thoroughly conceal her gender-specific parts with her tail. Lyra and Bon Bon followed Angel as he led them deeper into the bowels of the ark. There were three floors of small pens. Each one was housed with a different species of animal. They passed by pens with green alligators and long-necked geese, some humpty-backed camels and some chimpanzees, some cats and rats and elephants; all of them in pairs. There were also pens for the lions, tigers and bears. “Oh my,” Bon Bon said, as she smelled the overwhelming aroma of their excrement. With more than sixteen thousand animals on board, they produced twelve tons of waste every day. To solve the problem of crap collection, the floors of the pens were slatted, allowing the animals’ waste to fall through the narrow openings onto a platform designed for disposing of fecal matter. The wooden aqueducts which supplied the animals with fresh water had an additional purpose. A secondary channel which ran parallel to their water chute went below the pens and was used to wash away the animals’ excrement. The wet fecal matter flowed with the bilge water towards the stern of the ship, where Noah had created a bilge pump out of tanned sheep bladders, which would safely flush all collected animal waste overboard. Angel led Lyra and Bon Bon up a flight of stairs to the second level. They walked past one of Noah’s sons, who was helping the zebras into their pen. A series of mirrors reflected light throughout the vessel. The source of the illumination came from a contained fire within Noah’s living quarters located in the top center of the ark. Smoke traveled outside through a metal funnel. The ark was a marvel of modern engineering, the likes of which had yet to be seen anywhere else in the known world. After traveling a bit further, Angel stopped in front of an empty pen. A sign above said “unicorns.” He gestured for Lyra and Bon Bon to enter. Once they had complied, Angel kicked a wedge that propped the door up. With the wedge removed, the door slid down, trapping Lyra and Bon Bon inside. Angel nodded satisfactorily before hopping off to find Noah. Lyra and Bon Bon looked around their new living quarters. There was a thin layer of straw to serve as their bed. In the far corner of their pen were two troughs suspended to the wall. One was for food and the other was for water. The edges of the ark’s interior were used to hold the animals’ food supply. During prescribed feeding times, Noah pulled a rope which connected to the manna storage. Sufficient rations would be dispersed for all the animals. It wasn’t very filling or flavorful, but it would keep them alive for the duration of the voyage. Bon Bon was having second thoughts about this whole cruise thing. She thought about her old life in the olive orchard. Now, instead of a warm summer breeze, Bon Bon’s nose was filled with stuffy, stale air and the overwhelming stench of animal waste. She had no space to walk around. The familiar comforts of home were calling to her. "I had more room in my pen," Bon Bon said, petulantly, “I wanna go back home.” Lyra did a double take and stared at Bon Bon. "You were also about to be sacrificed to a pagan god, remember?" Lyra said, "We need a place to hide for a while, so let's try to stay positive, alright?" "I'm sorry," Bon Bon said, "You're right. At least here we can be together." Bon Bon nuzzled Lyra's neck. "Exactly," Lyra said. The two mares then kissed each other longingly, until their love was interrupted by an abrasive voice. "It's good to know there's at least one pair of God-fearing unicorns left in the world," the stallion said, "I was beginning to think your species would die out along with all the Sodomaniacs." Lyra and Bon Bon broke their kiss and stared at the stallion in the pen to their right. He and his mare were the two earth ponies aboard the ark. The reflected light of the fire was dim, but Lyra and Bon Bon could still see their neighbors. The stallion had a sea-blue coat. His thick mane was the color of seaweed and his cutie mark depicted three ovals that formed six points around a small apple. It looked like the symbol for an atom. The mare had a white coat with a neon-yellow mane. Her cutie mark consisted of three golden hearts forming a 'Y' shape. The tips of the hearts were facing each other, with a golden apple in the center. All the images of her cutie mark had a black outline around them. It looked vaguely like the symbol for nuclear energy. “My name’s Adamic Faith,” the stallion said, “but you can call me Adam. This is my mate, Evangelical Hope. I call her Eve, for short.” Eve bowed respectfully. “So, what are your names?” Eve asked. Lyra and Bon Bon knew that if they wanted to survive this trip, they’d have to avoid raising suspicion. In an effort to make peace with their neighbors, the two marefriends tried to be as cordial as possible. “Well, my name’s Lyra,” Lyra said. “And I’m her husband, Bon Bon,” Bon Bon said. “Bon Bon?” Eve said, smirking, “Isn’t that a strange name for a stallion?” Bon Bon blushed. It suddenly dawned on her that her real name made for a poor alias. “Oh it’s, um, short for... Steve,” Bon Bon said, as she lowered her voice to sound more masculine. “Steve?” Eve asked, skeptically. “Yes,” Bon Bon said, emphatically. She shuffled her feet nervously as Eve raised an eyebrow. “Well,... Steve, erstwhile known as Bon Bon,” Eve said, “Please allow me to welcome you aboard the ark.” Adam and Eve bowed respectfully. Lyra and Bon Bon exchange nervous glances. “What were you saying before about the flood?” Lyra asked, indignantly, “What does that have to do with being a Sodomite?” “It’s a well-known fact that God hates Sodomites,” Adam said, “Any nation which tolerates or promotes homosexuality will eventually be destroyed by God’s wrath.” Lyra bit her lip. She wanted to curse out Adam, but she held her tongue. “First the Baal worshipers commit murder in their god’s name,” Lyra thought, “and now these zealots use their religion to justify bigotry.” Bon Bon could sense Lyra’s anger rising, so she tried to keep the peace by finding some common ground with their neighbors. “I’ll admit that the Sodomites are wicked,” Bon Bon said, reflecting on their animal sacrifices, “but isn’t it more likely that God would be upset by their raping, stealing and murder?” “Well Steve,” Adam said, “while those are grievous sins to be sure, we can’t discount the role homosexuality played in God’s decision to flood the Earth.” “If anything, homosexuality is worse than murder,” Eve said, “Most murderers know what they’re doing is wicked, but homosexuals will try to convince everyone that their sinful behavior is normal; which it isn’t. Sodomy is a perversion of God’s grand design.” Bon Bon felt as though she was going to be sick. Having been born and raised in Sodom, it had never occurred to her that someone might be opposed to same gender attraction. Such relationships were commonplace in Sodom. Their society had evolved to the point where no sexual persuasion was considered taboo. To now find herself on a boat filled with rabid homophobes, Bon Bon was in fear of her life. She realized that if these religious zealots discovered that she was a lesbian, there’s no telling what they might do to her. “To better understand what we’re dealing with, I’ll pose a riddle,” Adam said, “What’s common amongst all living things?” Lyra and Bon Bon didn’t answer, so Adam divulged the solution. “All living things reproduce after their own kind,” Adam said, “Mares beget foals. Trees beget seeds and so forth. Homosexual couples can’t propagate their seed; therefore, they shouldn’t be considered living things. Those who lust after their own gender are nothing but genealogical dead ends who spread disease like a fornicating plague. “ Lyra and Bon Bon winced. They didn’t feel disease-ridden. “The fate of the Sodomites was sealed when they subjected their bodies to unnatural acts, which angered the Lord,” Eve said, “That’s why the Earth is being flooded.” “You would think the Creator of the universe would have more pressing concerns than what the Sodomites do in their bedrooms.” Lyra said, impertinently. “It just helps to illustrate the strictness of God’s commands,” Adam said, “He would rather see the entire Earth flooded before He allowed the Sodomites to corrupt His perfect world with their unfettered sexual depravity.” “Once the world is purged and made clean, we’ll never have to look at the Sodomites' blasphemies ever again,” Eve said, hopefully, “Sing hosannas to the Lord! Praised be His name!” Bon Bon looked ill. Adam was so enthralled by the sound of his own voice that he didn't notice Lyra’s scowling face. “Fear God and keep His commandments,” Adam said, “or be subject to desolation, darkness and destruction.” At that moment, the very Earth began to shake. The blaze in the fire pit was extinguished, which plunged the whole ark into darkness. The great ship was filled with commotion as all the animals murmured excitedly. “What’s happening?” Bon Bon asked as she tried to find Lyra in the darkness. “Divine intervention,” Lyra muttered quietly to Bon Bon, “Now let’s get out of this insane asylum while we still have a chance.” Using her unicorn magic, Lyra undid the clasp which held their pen door shut and lifted it with her horn. Adam and Eve were too busy singing hymns and praising God to notice Lyra and Bon Bon running out of their holding pen in search of an exit. “It was a mistake to come here,” Lyra said, “We just traded one group of religious zealots for another.” “I’d rather take my chances with the Sodomites,” Bon Bon said. Lyra’s illuminated unicorn horn dimly-lit their path as the two marefriends ran past all the other animals. Bears, tigers, lions, elephants, rats, cats, chimpanzees, camels, geese and alligators. There was great confusion as the various passengers growled until the howling of the winds outside was rivaled by the dull roar of voices within the ark. Many were shouting excitedly about the coming of the Great Flood. “They’re insane if they believe that old crackpot’s fables about a flood,” Lyra said as they ran, “I just came because he was giving away free food.” “The storm outside sounds pretty bad,” Bon Bon said, “What if Noah’s right?” “The chance of a planet-wide flood is about as likely as our tribbing ending with conception,” Lyra replied with confidence, “It’s inconceivable.” The door which they had used to board the ark was sealed shut. Lyra looked over to some nearby stairs, which led to the higher levels. “I see some light above us!” Lyra said, “It looks like a way out. Follow me.” Lyra led Bon Bon up a flight of stairs and past the contained fire pit. It’s flame had been extinguished due to the gale force winds. When Lyra and Bon Bon stepped out onto the deck, it was pouring rain. The winds were so fierce that it caused the precipitation to pelt their coats with terrific force. Thunder crashed overhead as lightning streaked across the sky. Noah stood to the left of the ship’s bow as he surveyed the city of Sodom. All the buildings were on fire. Lyra and Bon Bon stared in horror as the anguished lamentations of the Sodomites filled their ears. A great, tumultuous noise emanated from below the city as an enormous earthquake shook the foundations of the buildings. “This can’t be happening!” Lyra said, aghast. Up until this point, Lyra had just assumed that Noah was an eccentric old man. A new, horrifying thought slowly began to dawn on her. “Was Noah right?” Lyra thought. Lyra and Bon Bon stared in shock as a huge wall of water rose above the tops of the mountains before bearing down on the city of Sodom. The flood extinguished the fires, along with all life. The high place was washed clean of the residue of filth which had been left behind in the aftermath of the Baal’s Balls Ball. Once the city of Sodom was completely submerged, the tidal wave began to move towards the ark at an alarming rate of speed. Noah took this as his cue to get inside. When he turned around, he noticed Lyra and Bon Bon standing on the deck. Their manes were soaked as the fierce winds whipped around them. As the wall of water bore down upon the ark, Lyra and Bon Bon were too petrified to move. “What are you two doing up here?” Noah said, in disbelief, “Come on little ponies, this is no place for you!” With a swiftness which belied his advanced years, Noah ran over to Lyra and Bon Bon. Holding one of them under each arm, he ran back to the ark’s entrance. Once inside, Noah placed a thick board over the door to keep it closed. A watertight seal, which was made from actual seals, helped keep the flood out. The ark was rocked as the enormous wave crashed against the side of the ship. The structure creaked and groaned as it was pushed off of its hilly foundation. The sounds of rushing waters could be heard all around the ark. Lyra and Bon Bon were still in a soaked state of shock as Noah carried them through the ship. He passed by the darkened pens, which were filled with green alligators and long-necked geese, some humpty-backed camels and some chimpanzees, some cats and rats and elephants; who all looked forlorn. Noah soon stopped at the pen of the unicorns. As Noah set the two marefriends back in their pen, their eyes were wide as saucers as they stared into space. Lyra and Bon Bon’s bodies shivered as their wet manes clung to their coats. Water dripped from their drenched bodies as they tried to process the horrors they had seen. After sliding their door closed and locking it, Noah took extra precaution by tying a piece of rope around the latch. After giving a satisfied nod, Noah left to restoke the fires. Lyra and Bon Bon stared out into the dark interior of their cramped pen. Everything they had ever known was gone. As far as they knew, they were the only survivors of Sodom and the last lesbians on Earth. Even though they still had each other, they had never felt more alone. A sense of dread consumed their thoughts as they drifted aimlessly aboard what they considered to be a floating psycho ward. Adam approached Lyra and Bon Bon’s pen to find out what exactly happened outside. “I could hear the winds and the waves, but I never actually saw God’s wrath unleashed upon the wicked city,” Adam said, “Judging by the state of your coats and your soaked manes, it looks like you were right in the thick of things.” Lyra and Bon Bon remained silent, but Bon Bon managed to give a slow nod to confirm Adam’s suspicions. “Were you able to see the city’s destruction?” Adam said, eagerly, “I’m so jealous; but not in a sinful, covetous way, mind you. It’s just that I would’ve loved to have seen the looks on the Sodomites faces as everything was taken from them.” Unbeknownst to Adam, he was looking at exactly that. The pain of loss was reflected clearly in Lyra and Bon Bon’s eyes. The city where they had grown up was lost. All the pleasant locations from their youth were now buried beneath the waves. Bon Bon reflected on the olive orchard where Lyra first confessed her undying love. Lyra wistfully remembered the rolling hills which offered a pristine view of the marketplace. The back alleyways of Sodom’s famous glory hole grotto were now lost to the sea. Everything they had ever loved or cared about was gone; the one exception being each other. Lyra’s tongue felt as though it was made of lead. She spoke, not for Adam’s sake, but because vocalizing her thoughts helped her to reconcile the emotional trauma of Sodom’s destruction. “The entire city was engulfed in flames,” Lyra said, distantly, “No one survived.” Lyra’s personal moment of silence to reverence the dead was interrupted by a gloating Adam. “Ah, so God set fire to a city of flaming benders,” Adam said, smugly, “Truly the Lord doeth work in deliciously ironic ways.” Lyra and Bon Bon held each other close. They didn’t reply to any more of Adam’s inquiries. They didn’t say a word. They simply remained silent until exhaustion overcame them and they fell asleep.