Angel's Salvation Squad
The floodwaters continued to rise as the ship was rocked by the waves. The ark’s wooden structural beams creaked and groaned under the pressure of the wind and rain. Noah and his family huddled around the fire in their cramped living quarters and made supplications to the Lord that He might preserve them on their harrowing voyage.
With the rest of the known world covered in water, Lyra and Bon Bon had no choice but to continue their charade as husband and wife. Their very lives depended on the success of this farce. For the first couple of weeks aboard the ark, Lyra and Bon Bon were too depressed to talk. They spent their days sitting silently around their pen. During that time they hardly slept or ate. On the rare occasions when they did talk to each other, they had to be careful to conduct all conversations in secret. It was on one such night, after Adam and Eve had fallen asleep, that Lyra and Bon Bon discussed their situation. Adam’s words weighed heavily on their minds. While they had both been pondering the implications of the flood for weeks, it was only now that either of them felt comfortable discussing their looming fears.
“If the flood happened like he predicted, does that mean Adam’s right about everything?” Bon Bon asked apprehensively, “Does God really hate us?” Lyra sat brooding as she glanced at Adam and Eve sleeping peacefully beside each other. The sounds of sloshing water could be heard as the ark swayed back and forth. Adam and Eve slept the sweet sleep of the vindicated. Even as they rested, their faces wore the smug expressions of self-righteous bigots. Lyra bore her teeth at them.
“Who gives them the right to call our love unnatural and wicked?” Lyra said quietly to Bon Bon, “Their deity is no more real than Baal. I can’t believe in a God who hates me.” Bon Bon was not a particularly religious mare. She was raised Pagan and was aware of all their religious holidays; mainly because they used to mean big business for her and Two Legs. In spite of these outward expressions of faith, Bon Bon didn’t truly know if God existed or not. She thought the Baal worshipers seemed harmless enough, until they tried to sacrifice her. Considering what the two of them had been through, Bon Bon was surprised by Lyra’s skepticism.
“After all the things we’ve seen, how can you not believe that God exists?” Bon Bon asked in the hopeless tone of one who had already accepted defeat, “What do you think caused the flood, if not God?”
“I don’t know,” Lyra said, her voice quivering with emotion, “but I doubt it was God who caused the flood because I refuse to believe in Him. I can’t accept anything that would try to separate us.” Lyra and Bon Bon looked lovingly at each other. Even in the dim light of the reflected fire, Bon Bon could see that Lyra’s eyes were moist.
“Oh, Lyra,” Bon Bon said. Lyra turned her head away and gnashed her teeth in frustration. Bon Bon watched helplessly as Lyra shut her eyes tight and a single, bitter tear ran down her cheek. After taking a deep breath, Lyra slowly opened her eyes.
“I may not believe in God,” Lyra said as she stared at the ground, “but one thing is clear. The universe wants us dead, Bon Bon. We were lucky to avoid the flood, but we may not be so fortunate next time.” Bon Bon moved closer and hugged Lyra in an attempt to comfort her.
“If loving you is a sin,” Bon Bon said, “then I don’t want to be saved.” Lyra choked back more tears in an effort to compose herself.
“And if God really does exist,” Lyra said, “then He played a pretty sick joke when He created us. According to Adam, we’re nothing but a pair of mistakes in God’s eyes. He hates us and now He’s trying to kill us." Based on the things she had experienced, Bon Bon felt as though she had no choice but to accept the existence of God; that being said, she wasn't about to agree with Adam's interpretation.
“God doesn’t hates us,” Bon Bon said. sincerely, “He allowed us to escape from Sodom, didn’t He? If God wanted to send us to Hell, he would’ve stopped us from boarding the ark.” Lyra stared at the ground as she processed Bon Bon’s words. After a moment of silence, Lyra raised her head and looked intently at Bon Bon.
“What if those who died at Sodom were the lucky ones?” Lyra said, with new clarity, “What if this ark is our Hell? Our punishment is to live our lives in constant dread aboard this floating coffin. We’ll linger here until we die. Slowly. Miserably. Painfully.” The mounting hopelessness was more than Lyra could bear. She started to sob. Bon Bon also began to cry as she wrapped her forehooves around Lyra and held her close. Bon Bon’s expression of love helped to lift Lyra’s sinking spirit.
“It’s going to be okay,” Bon Bon said, “I promise we’ll always be together.” Those were the words Lyra had been longing to hear Bon Bon say ever since the first day they met.
“Nothing in heaven or earth could keep me from you,” Lyra said, “I love you, Bon Bon.”
“Shhh,” Bon Bon said in a quiet whisper, “For now, call me Steve.”
“Steve,” Lyra whispered back, “I love you.”
"I love you, too," Bon Bon said. The two marefriends kissed as they eked out some small modicum of pleasure amidst their harrowing surroundings. Bon Bon’s fake horn rubbed against Lyra’s horn as the two marefriends expressed their love for each other long into the night.
The passage of time was a curiosity aboard the ark. Without a sun or moon to follow, one day would bleed into the next. When Lyra and Bon Bon awoke from their sleep, they couldn’t tell if it was morning or evening. All they saw were the usual four walls of their pen. They had been woken up by the excited voices of Adam and Eve, who were making plans for the garden they hoped to plant after the flood. Using the straw on their floor as a grid, Adam had managed to make a nice landscaping design.
“The cobblestone path will go here, alongside the fish pond,” Adam said, happily, “Your flower garden will be planted beside our prayer altar, where we’ll teach our children to worship the Lord.”
“And stone those who are different,” Lyra muttered to herself. Bon Bon yawned as Lyra stretched her body. They usually pretended to be asleep when Adam and Eve were awake, so as to avoid having to talk with them. This was one of those regrettable instances where they were all awake.
“Lyra? Steve?” Eve said, “You two have been awfully quiet this voyage.”
“Have we?” Lyra said, snippily, “Sorry. Steve and I have never been on a cruise with the last remnants of Earthly life before. Maybe when we’re as experienced as you, we’ll know how to act more appropriately.” The snide comment went over Adam and Eve’s heads, who were baffled by Lyra’s lugubriosity.
“There’s nothing to apologize for, Lyra,” Adam said, “It’s just that you look so depressed. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were feeling sorry for the Sodomites.” Lyra pursed her lips as Bon Bon shot her marefriend a nervous glance. Bon Bon was silently praying that Lyra wouldn’t make a scene and blow their cover.
“While I respect and admire your tender hearts, you mustn’t shed tears for queers,” Eve said, “Their wicked souls aren’t worth your pity. The Sodomites were nothing but filthy, selfish beasts who only cared about glutting themselves on perverted fornication. Real love between two souls can only be experienced within the holy bonds of matrimony between husband and wife.” Lyra and Bon Bon scowled at their neighbors. Adam and Eve merely assumed that their new friends’ sour expressions were due to them feeling sea sick.
“Lyra and Steve,” Adam said, “You both seem to be having an especially difficult time adjusting to life on the ark, so Eve and I have taken it upon ourselves to help you.”
“Help us?” Lyra said, “You mean you’re going to throw yourselves overboard?” Adam and Eve laughed insufferably.
“Oh Lyra, how I do enjoy your fierce wit,” Eve said. Adam seemed mildly annoyed that Lyra had interrupted him to make a joke, but he was willing to look beyond it for the sake of perfecting her soul.
“But seriously,” Adam said, “Eve and I are concerned for the both of you. All you do every day is sit in your pen and mope. I never hear you singing hymns or praising God to pass the time.”
“I’ve never been much for singing,” Bon Bon said, trying to sound gruff, “I had hoped to use this voyage as a chance to rest from my labors.”
“Idle hooves are the devil’s playground,” Adam said, cautiously, “In order to save both of you from the sin of sloth, Eve and I will go with you and give service to the other animals aboard the ark, as a sign of our pious charity.”
“As true believers in the Son of God, it is our sworn duty to help others,” Eve said. Lyra and Bon Bon looked at each other. Lyra discreetly glanced up a Bon Bon’s horn, which was slightly askew. Fortunately, Adam and Eve didn’t seem to notice; possibly because Bon Bon’s suggestively-shaped horn was too embarrassing for the prudish Earth Ponies to stare at for too long without thinking impure thoughts. In any case, Lyra was in no mood to press their luck.
“I don’t know,” Lyra said, trying desperately to think up any excuse to avoid spending more time with their neighbors, “The last time Steve and I got out of our pen, we got in trouble.”
“Noah won’t mind as long as you’re with us,” Eve said, “Adam and I have special authority aboard the ark from Noah’s assistant.” In the corner of their pen were a couple of badges tied with string. Eve went over and slipped one around her neck. It had an illustration of Angel Bunny’s face with the name of the group written below in gold letters.
“Angel’s Salvation Squad,” Bon Bon said as she read aloud from the badge, “A.S.S.” Eve seemed oblivious of her group’s potentially embarrassing acronym.
“This badge allows the wearer to move about the ark for the purpose of helping others,” Eve said, “If the two of you come with us, we’ll be able to double our service opportunities.” Lyra looked at Bon Bon, who vehemently said no with her eyes. Lyra was about to vocally reject the offer, when Adam opened his pen door and undid the latch on Lyra and Bon Bon’s pen.
“Trust me,” Adam said as he hoisted his neighbor’s door open, “A little selfless service will do you both worlds of good.”
Seeing that resistance was futile, Lyra decided that if they were going to explore the ark, she wanted to do it on her terms. The last thing they needed was to be separated from each other.
“Alright,” Lyra said to Adam, “Give me one of those badges and Steve and I will help the passengers on the north side of the ark. You and Eve can tend to the animals on the south side.”
Adam was taken aback by Lyra’s presumptuousness. The very idea that a mare would have the gall to demand something of him or give him orders made Adam’s bigoted blood boil. Adam refused to dignify Lyra’s idea with a response. Instead, he turned to Bon Bon and addressed her.
“Steve, if I were you I’d put a bridle on your bride,” Adam said, hotly, “Her loose tongue is going to get you in trouble one of these days.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Bon Bon asked. Adam shook his head as he chuckled to himself.
“My naive young Steve, ” Adam said with a sigh, “I can see that there’s still a lot you have to learn about the proper role of a stallion. The Lord has declared that it's the duty of a wife to submit to her husband’s will in all things. Isn’t that right, my darling Eve?”
“Yes, my love,” Eve said, “I’ve actually been wanting to organize a Homemakers’ Circle by gathering some of the other wives aboard the ark and discussing how to properly serve our husbands.”
“That sounds like an excellent idea,” Adam said, “You and Lyra should go out and find some more members. Lord knows she needs to learn some proper discipline.” Lyra and Bon Bon were physically disgusted by the chauvinistic misogyny on display.
“Can’t a couple be equal partners?” Bon Bon asked. Adam stared at Bon Bon in disbelief.
“Steve, I have to assume this is more humor at my expense,” Adam said, slightly irritated, “You’re not serious, are you? A husband and wife can’t be equal partners in marriage because they’re not created equal.” Lyra and Bon Bon stared Adam down as they tried to keep their balance amidst the rolling of the ship. They considered his reasoning to be as solid as the ocean waves which carried them.
“As a sheath is incomplete without a sword, so is a female without a male,” Adam said to Bon Bon, “In order to know full well the differences between husband and wife, Steve, you need only to look at the endowment that the Lord has blessed you with betwixt your hind legs.”
Bon Bon blushed as she crossed her hind legs. The last thing she needed was anyone getting a good look back there.
“Modesty; now there’s a quality you like to see in a stallion,” Adam said, “Stick with me, Steve, and I’ll teach you how to properly rule over your wife.” Without giving Bon Bon a chance to respond, Adam put a forehoof around her neck and dragged her out of her pen. Lyra watched helplessly as Adam led Bon Bon down the hall. Bon Bon looked back and shot Lyra a fearful glance. Bon Bon’s tail was tucked tight between her legs and her fake unicorn horn bobbed slightly as she walked. Lyra was about to rush after Bon Bon and hopefully prevent her real gender from being revealed, but Eve stepped in front of the way and blocked her path. Eve gave a coy smile as she stared at Lyra.
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to discuss with you, Lyra,” Eve said. Lyra looked past Eve and watched helplessly as Bon Bon reluctantly followed Adam downstairs to the first floor of the ark.
“You should know that I’m well aware of the deception being perpetrated aboard this ark,” Eve said, ominously. Lyra froze in her tracks and stared horror struck at Eve. The ark suddenly became unnaturally quiet. Lyra gulped.
“You... you do?” Lyra asked nervously. Her mouth was dry and her tongue felt like sandpaper.
“There are those aboard this ark who are living a lie,” Eve said, “Blasphemers who foolishly think that they can hide their sins from God.” Lyra began to sweat. Her heart was pounding as Eve backed her into a corner, between the outside of her pen and a support beam.
“You!” Eve shouted. Her eyes burned with the fiery passion of righteous indignation. Lyra flinched as she awaited her condemnation
“You,” Eve repeated quietly for emphasis, “are going to help me convert them.” Eve smiled tenderly as she placed a forehoof on Lyra’s back. Lyra opened her eyes in surprise.
“Excuse me?” Lyra said. She found it difficult to speak, as her heart had leapt into her throat.
“Unlike us, there are some on board the ark who still haven’t accepted the Son of God as their savior,” Eve said, “They arrogantly think that they don’t need His sacrifice. I need you to help me save their prideful souls.”
Against her better judgement, Lyra followed Eve upstairs to a nicer part of the ark on the third floor. The holding pens closer to Noah’s living quarters were well-lit. They were also roomier than the pens on the second and first floors. This was because they each housed more than two creatures.
“Since you’re not as well versed in the words of the prophets, I’ll do most of the talking,” Eve said, “While I’m saving souls, you should just concentrate on finding someone willing to join our Homemaker’s Circle.”
“Might as well,” Lyra muttered quietly to herself, “After all, misery loves company.” They passed by several roomy pens. Each of them housed seven members of their respective animal species. Cattle, deer and goats cautiously watched the two mares as they walked by.
Eve suddenly stopped in front of the spacious sheep stable. Some of the ewes were knitting shawls from each other’s wool. One sheep in the back was plucking on a small, twanging instrument, which she held in her mouth.
“How come there are more of these animals?” Lyra said, “I thought the limit was two per species.”
“Ma-a-a-a-ybe for you gentiles,” an elderly-looking sheep replied, “but not for us kosher animals.”
The large, curly-horned ram who addressed Lyra approached the fence where she stood. He wore a small, round cap, known as a yarmulke, atop his head. His shaggy wool formed long, tight curls which ran down either side of his face.
“Well, don’t just stand there like a couple of Schlemiels,” the elderly sheep said, “Come inside. There’s plenty of room.” After being welcomed in, Eve and Lyra stood there awkwardly.
“Well?” the wizened sheep said, curtly, “What do you want, Eve? Are you here to host another prayer circle on behalf of my soul?” Eve ignored his question and pressed forward with introductions.
“Lyra, this is Abra-ram,” Eve said, dispassionately, “He’s the patriarch of his Ewe-ish flock.”
“Ewe-ish?” Lyra asked, “What’s that?” Lyra didn’t realized that she had stumbled across Abra-ram’s favorite subject. He would talk ad nauseum about his Ewe-ish heritage at the drop of a yarmulke.
“It means one whose mother was a ewe,” Abra-ram said, proudly, “We are God’s chosen sheeple.” Lyra stared at him awkwardly.
“I can see you’re still confused,” Abra-ram said, “Allow me to explain. From the foundation of the world, God set forth the standards for clean and unclean animals. We sheep have cloven hooves and chew our cud, which makes us pure and kosher in the eyes of the Lord.” Much of the Ewe-ish tradition and religious symbolism was completely lost on Lyra. She could tell that Eve and Abra-ram had a different system of beliefs. As far as she could tell, they both worshiped the same God, but in different ways.
“My Ewe-ish heritage includes my covenants with God,” Abra-ram said, with an air of superiority, “The Lord has declared that I will bring forth a great nation, which God shall bless above measure, and my name shall be great among all nations, and I shall be a blessing unto my seed.” As Abra-ram spoke at length about all the blessings God had prepared for the Ewes, Eve was getting more and more anxious.
“Father Abra-ram thinks that only kosher animals can receive the full blessings of the Lord,” Eve said to Lyra, “but he’s wrong.” Eve and Abra-ram scowled at each other. Lyra looked decidedly uncomfortable.
“Kosher animals aren’t any purer than the rest of us,” Eve said, “We’re all sinful creatures in the eyes of the Lord. None of us are worthy to return to His presence on our own.” Lyra slowly backed away as Abra-ram and Eve prepared to bash religions.
“That’s what I’ve come to talk to you about today,” Eve said, “I bring glad tidings of great joy! God has made it known through his holy prophets that the Son of God will be born in the meridian of time to take upon Himself the sins of the world. Through His sacrifice, everyone will have the opportunity to become cleansed from sin.”
“I could believe that God would need to send a savior for the unclean goyim like you,” Abra-ram said, “But we sheep are pure and kosher. We don’t need a savior.”
“You stubborn Ewe!” Eve said, “Your pride will lead to your downfall!” The war of words between Abra-ram and Eve continued to escalate, with each side devolving into slinging slurs at one another. Lyra was embarrassed by the scene Eve was making. She was so focused on tearing down Abra-ram’s faith and traditions, that the notion of “saving souls” seemed more like an afterthought. Lyra hesitated to join in the loud discussion and decided to distance herself from Eve.
Lyra wandered over to the far corner of the room, where a solitary ewe was twanging happily on her mouth harp. The instrument was shaped like a horseshoe, with a flexible metal reed attached to the frame. When the ends of the instrument were placed in the mouth, the reed could be plucked, which gave off a cheerful twanging sound.
“You’re pretty talented with your instrument,” Lyra said, “...I’ve always had an affinity for music.”
Lyra swiveled her hips to give the ewe a good view of her flank and lyre cutie mark. The ewe removed the harp and wiped her saliva-slickened instrument against her soft, wooly coat.
“Thank you,” the ewe said, “The harp was a gift from my father.” With a nod of her head, the ewe gestured over to Abra-ram, who was beginning to curse at Eve in yiddish.
“You stupid Shikseh!” Abra-ram said, “Noah would’ve saved a lot of time and effort on this ark if he only allowed the clean animals on board! You noch-schleppers are lucky to be here at all!” Lyra winced as Eve’s face became red with anger. It looked like she was going to have a meltdown.
“I must apologize for Eve,” Lyra said, as she shook her head sadly, “She seems to be upsetting your father.”
“It’s alright,” the ewe said, with a chuckle, “Shouting at goyim is one of father’s favorite pastimes.” Lyra smiled as she glanced back at Eve and Abra-ram. Eve was stomping her hooves in frustration as she matched words with the stubborn sheep. She touted the need for a savior by citing the words of the prophets.
“Since the foundations of the Earth, God has made known to His prophets the need for a savior,” Eve shouted, “And His name shall be called, Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace!” The other sheep were gathering around Abra-ram as he defended his faith.
“Eve may be insufferable,” Lyra thought, “but at least she’s fearless. It can’t be easy when you’re the only contrary voice in the room.”
“You can sit by me and rest your hooves if you like,” the ewe said, “It looks like they could be a while.” Lyra shook her head sadly before sitting down beside the ewe.
“My name’s Eunice,” the sheep said, “What’s yours?”
“Lyra,” Lyra said, “Thanks for letting me rest here with you. I hate contentions.” Eve was making wide, sweeping gestures with her forehooves as she extolled the great mercies of God and prayed vocally for Abra-ram that the scales of doubt would fall from his eyes. Abra-ram looked highly irritated.
“Your friend sure seems passionate about her religion,” Eunice said as she nodded her head towards Eve.
“She’s not my friend,” Lyra said, bitterly.
“Oh,” Eunice said, “Then why are you with her?” Lyra glanced back at Eve, before sighing heavily.
“It’s complicated,” Lyra said.
“Sounds like my life,” Eunice said, with a smirk. Even though they had just met, Lyra felt a strange connection to Eunice. For the first time since boarding the ark, Lyra felt as though she had found a new friend.
“Would you care to join our Homemakers’ Circle?” Lyra said, “We discuss how to be obedient wives and... ugh, submit to the will of our husbands.” Lyra couldn’t even say the words without wanting to retch.
“You don’t sound very passionate about the group,” Eunice said, smiling.
“I’m not,” Lyra said, sincerely, “Adam and Eve are a little too backwards thinking for my tastes.”
“I can relate,” Eunice said, as she glanced toward Abra-ram, “My father is very strict about following Ewe-ish tradition. You wouldn’t believe the pressure I’m under.”
“It seems like we’re both stuck keeping up appearances,” Lyra said, “That’s all the more reason to join the Homemaker’s Circle! Between you and me, I’m secretly trying to subvert the group from within.” Eunice giggled.
“I wish you luck,” Eunice said, “but I still shouldn’t join, since I don’t have a husband.”
“Marriage isn’t a prerequisite to join,” Lyra said, “I’m sure your father would be impressed to learn that you’re serious about your future marriage responsibilities.”
“In our family, they’re more like marriage obligations,” Eunice said, “and as far as my father is concerned, he wouldn’t want me associating with unclean animals.” The hairs on Lyra’s neck tensed up. She hated being labeled.
“Oh, so because I’m not a kosher sheep, I’m not good enough for you. Is that it?” Lyra said indignantly.
“Please, don’t be upset,” Eunice said, “You seem nice enough... for a gentile.” Before Lyra allowed her anger to get the better of her, she reflected on her efforts to prove herself to Bon Bon. Lyra tried to empathize with Eunice’s desire to respect her father’s wishes. After taking a deep breath, Lyra managed to calm herself down.
“It’s alright,” Lyra said, “I understand completely. We often have to change ourselves for those we love.” At these words, Eunice’s lip began to quiver. It looked as though she were going to cry.
“I’m sorry,” Lyra said, “Did I say something wrong?”
“It’s not you,” Eunice said, “It’s me. I have to hide who I really am from my father.” Eunice had never told a soul her secret before. She was frightened by the prospect of saying such things out loud. And yet, there was something about Lyra that gave Eunice the courage to confide in her new friend.
“I have a confession,” Eunice said in a whisper, “I like ewes.”
Lyra smiled.
“Well, I like ‘youse,’ too,” Lyra said, “I like ‘youse’ as a friend, of course.”
“No. Ewes. E-W-E-S,” Eunice said, “I’m a lesbian.” Lyra did a double take. She never expected to find another tribber on board the ark.
“It’s scary to be a homosexual when your family is steeped in Ewe-ish tradition,” Eunice said, “There isn’t even a yiddish word for ‘lesbian.’” Eunice was shaking from shame and fear. Lyra wasn’t about to let her new friend suffer from the things she couldn’t control. Before Eunice realized what was happening, Lyra leaned over and hugged her. Eunice gasped in surprise.
“It’s okay,” Lyra said, “You’re not alone.”
“But I am,” Eunice said, sorrowfully, “You wouldn’t understand. I’m the only lesbian sheep in my flock. You don’t know what it’s like being the only homosexual aboard the ark.”
“You never know,” Lyra said, covertly, “There may be other tribbers who escaped Sodom.”
As much as Lyra appreciated her new friend, she didn’t feel comfortable outing herself as a lesbian to Eunice at this time. They still had a long voyage ahead, and Lyra wasn’t about to say or do anything to compromise her secret. For her sake, as well as Bon Bon’s, Lyra would have to continue her ruse as a straight mare.
“If you ever need any help, or someone to talk to, my husband and I will always be here for you,” Lyra said, “We can sympathize. You’re not alone.”
“Since I first discovered my sexuality, I struggled with fear and self-loathing,” Eunice said, “I was taught from a young age to shun what my father calls ‘unnatural lusts.’ When I boarded the ark, I prayed to God that He would remove my lesbian desires and leave them at the door. All I wanted was to be normal like my family. I had hoped that my deviate urges would drown with the rest of the world.”
“But they didn’t,” Lyra said, “because your sexuality is linked with your identity. You can’t change who you are inside, and you shouldn't try.” Eunice’s lip quivered. Lyra’s heart was moved to compassion as Eunice looked wistfully at her father. It looked as though he and Eve were both running out of steam. Their voices were becoming strained due to the shouting.
“I can see that your family’s heritage is very important to you,” Lyra said, “Take it from me. It’s pointless to try and accept anything before you can accept yourself.”
Eunice sat silently as she let Lyra’s advice sink in. Lyra took a deep breath and tried to not let her emotions get the best of her.
“You’re right,” Eunice said, “I’m a kosher Ewe. I have a responsibility to live up to my heritage, even if I‘ll never fully understand it. I need to learn as much as I can about my family’s traditions and bring my whole soul into that world, including my desires.” Eunice leaned in and hugged Lyra around her waist. Lyra tried not to giggle as the soft wool tickled her. She put her fore-hoof around Eunice’s back and hugged her.
“Thank you, Lyra,” Eunice said, “Your husband is fortunate to have a compassionate mare like you.” Lyra blushed as she thought about Bon Bon. She suddenly became very worried about Bon Bon alone with Adam.
“I realize that I’ll probably never find another ewe like me,” Eunice said as she sat up and looked at Lyra, “All I've ever wanted was to find a nice, quiet meadow where I could be myself. Someplace where I could graze peacefully and play my music.”
“I’ll come and visit you,” Lyra said, “as long as you’re willing to be friends with a gentile.” Lyra gave a wink. Eunice giggled.
“I’d like that,” Eunice said. Lyra and Eunice’s reflective revery was interrupted by Eve’s abrasive voice.
“Lyra!” Eve shouted with her strained vocal chords, “Let’s go! These hook-nosed hobgoblins wouldn’t recognize real salvation if it came up and bit them on the tuchus!”
“You unclean carbuncles look towards a savior to fix all your problems,” Abra-ram said, derisively, “God’s salvation requires personal sacrifice.”
“Faith is better than sacrifice,” Eve snapped, “The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can be cleansed from sin.”
“The only sin was not kicking you out sooner,” Abra-ram said, “Now begone and never return!” Following Abra-ram’s commands, the other sheep began to nudge and push Lyra and Eve out the stable door. Eunice watched from the back as Lyra was roughly escorted out. Once they were outside, Abra-ram closed the door. All the sheep turned their backs on Lyra and Eve. Eve tapped her forehooves against the ground.
“You’ve got to kick the dust off of your hooves after your message is rejected,” Eve said to Lyra, loud enough for Abra-ram to hear, “This signifies to the Lord that we regard the stubborn Ewes as impure and profane. They had their chance at salvation, but they shunned it.” Lyra’s face was beet red. She had never felt more embarrassed. As Eve turned to leave, Lyra followed slowly behind. Eunice turned her head to watch her new friend leave. Lyra glanced back and saw Eunice smiling at her.
“Thank you,” Eunice mouthed silently. Lyra responded with a single head nod. Eunice watched as Lyra and Eve descended the stairs to the lower floor.
Lyra had hoped to walk in silence, but Eve ruined that idea when she tried to strike up a conversation.
“I saw you talking with Abra-ram’s daughter,” Eve said, “What did you two end up discussing?” Lyra wasn’t going to lie, but she didn’t have to tell Eve the whole truth, either.
“It looked like you weren’t going to get anywhere with the father,” Lyra said, “He’s too set in his ways to change religions, so I thought I might have better luck converting the daughter. I invited her to join our Homemaker’s Circle.” Eve smiled.
“Divide and conquer,” Eve said, shrewdly, “I can already tell you’re starting to listen to the Holy Spirit.”
“Uh... sure,” Lyra said.
“The Spirit of God will tell you what to say, if you listen,” Eve said, “I’ve followed the guidance of the still, small voice for years and its influence has helped me convert many heathens.”
“The fact that you hear voices inside your head explains so much,” Lyra said, mirthlessly.
“I couldn’t do it alone,” Eve said, oblivious at Lyra’s attempts to question her sanity, “It’s a sacred gift from God. Live worthily of the Holy Spirit, Lyra, and it will always be with you.” Eve’s words of spiritual counsel were lost on Lyra. She was too busy thinking about Eunice.
When Lyra and Eve returned to their pens, their spouses hadn’t arrived yet. It would soon be time for the evening meal.
“I wonder where our husbands are?” Eve said, “I thought they would’ve returned from their service by now.” A knot formed in Lyra’s stomach.
“We’re doomed,” Lyra thought, “By now, Adam’s probably trying to coax Bon Bon into having a dick-measuring contest.”
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Lol that ending
Btw, the concept of the son of god was never present during Noah's time. Just a heads up, I'm a bible geek
Brilliant!
Abrah-ram, ewes, everything... It's a punstorm. And I love puns.
It helps I'm completely in Lyra's court, though. I mean, I'm not a lesbian, but, you know.
I really hate those earth ponies. I really really hate them.
But I do like the religious themes that you're mirroring.
Dammit, this is by far the most original story on the whole site! Lovin' every second of it~
2363143
With all due respect, the word of God isn't limited to the Bible. Isaiah declared, "Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son" (Isa. 7:14) So there were Old Testament prophets who received foreknowledge of Jesus Christ.
Noah technically didn't write anything. His account was written by Moses, so it's hard to say for certain what concepts were known by Noah. I'd like to believe God kept all of His prophet on the same page.
To Jeremiah the Lord said: “Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.” (Jer. 1:5.)
If God had this prenatal rapport with Jeremiah, then why not Noah as well?
Look at Abraham for another example. When he nearly sacrificed his son, it was meant to mirror what God the Father would go through with Jesus Christ.
My point is that God was dropping hints about Christ's sacrifice for us from the foundation of the world. You just have to know where to look.
(I'm a Bible geek, too. I just play fast and loose with chronology in my Biblical fanfics about lesbian unicorns.)
puns, oh so many of them.
“The fact that you hear voices inside your head explains so much,” Lyra said, mirthlessly.
Hahahahahaahh! Adamic Faith and Stallion Bon Bon having a dick measuring contest! That is one of the funniest images ever. How would they do it if they don't have a ruler or measuring tape?
Sweet Flying Spaghetti Monster... Ewes. Is it prejudiced that I imagined Abra-Ram sounding exactly like Mel Brooks in A History of the World (Part One)?
That's my biblical head canon.
2363675 By cubits.
When I started reading this, I was looking for a light read between updates, just sayin'
Now, though, I'm having a hard time reading anything else. Humour is not my usual go-to around here, but this left me happy enough to wait up for more.
Your religious parody floating around there is just brilliant. Sure I'm not religious myself, and that makes it all the easier, but even if I was I wouldn't be able to find this anything but hilarious. Go with it where you may, I'm following this til the end, and then I'll hassle you for a sequel, most likely...But until then, onwards and upwards!
Hmm. I can't help but wonder if Angel just gave those two the A.S.S. pendants in the hopes that they'd get themselves killed. The Lord works in mysterious ways, after all...
Also, are the donkeys members of A.S.S.?
A Ewe. Playing a Ewe-harp, no less. Genius. Anachronistic, given the use of Yiddish, but Yiddish is always funny, so who cares?
And, of course, there's that eternal question: If God hates homosexuals, why do homosexuals exist? Calling them mistakes seems inherently flawed; God is supposed to be infallible. It's not like sin. There's a reason for that; it came with knowledge. (After all, it's hard to sin if you've never heard of it.)
Every time Adam and Eve start spouting bigoted bullshit it is so hard to stop myself from laughing. It is such a ridiculously good parody.
2363675 Whip em out and line them up, then... Eww, Gay
Sin, the physical form of sin, should make a cameo with Lyra creepily saying "I am...so weak...but lucky...I can live...though you....hahaha...." and then disappear through the floorboards.
Lyra's face when: tinyurl.com/d9sl7mj
Meanwhile in the basement of the Ark... Sin tries to convince Bon Bon that he can save them from the "anti-lesbian freaks" if he does him a favor....
2363712
I might have to do a spinoff/sequel set in modern-day Equestria. We've already seen that Applejack has sheep slaves...
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/mlfw1110_STFU2.gif
What if I do a parody where Eunice is Moses and Applejack is the Pharaoh?
"Let my sheeple go!"
2363813
Thanks! I look forward to reading more of your feedback.
2363828 On the issue of homosexuality and why it exists:
Homosexuality has been observed in over a thousand animal species. Hell, it has been observed in squids... a species who last shared the evolutionary genepool with humanity several billion years ago. You woud literally have to look for species that reproduce asexually to find one more genetically unrelated.
Of course, as someone once pointed out to me: this means homosexuality is more natural then the institution of marriage.
This chapter was funny as hell lol. Its like the wesbroo baptist church meets will and grace meets one of those reality tv shows were people get voted out of the house and stuff. "no tears for queers" that was the funnest line for me. XD
2363230
There is a shorter version below this wall of text if you dont want to read this. I de-railed a bit sorry. XD
(for the record im using a historical view now a biblical one so if something seems off it could be that or i could have gotten off track at some point to so sorry. ) Btw some of the jews had always had ideas of wanting a savior because of the Hellenistic period and getting the idea of some form of hell into there religion by the other neighboring Hellenistic religions (and even before then when they had no concept of hell. They believed in a alfter life but no clue what would happen to people who weren't like them. They suspected oblivion i guess.) they had reason to want someone to save them from there sins also because of the fact that the constant sacrificing of there livestock wasn't really beneficial to them and they wanted to have more converts for obvious reasons. The fact that a group sprang from them (being Christianity) isn't that surprising because other people wanted change and first group didn't. Something like that probably started the Jewish religion too, it was probably Babylonia in origin with a bit of Egyptian. ( its just like how Islam came from Christianity.) Christianity became to power over the Jewish and Greek religion because of these reasons making it a more preferable pick. People will usually change their lives if they feel it will do them better in the end. The idea of a "savior" was past along and stayed a thing for so long because it was a better idea. They knew of some kind of savior (and im pretty sure they had plenty of ideas of one) but really had no idea of who or what age that person would be or even that it would be a baby or anything if im correct. (btw keep this up I can see this fic bring up some very educational discussions!
Ironic seeing how this is suppose to be a fic about lesbians ponies killing off the unicorns lol.
ok i re-read this and think i could have gotten off topic a little so to make my point quick: the idea of a savior was bung up because it was better then what they already had so the fact that other impotent figures who brought it up was most likely going to happen anyway, the impotent people who did bring it up probably didn't have a consistent idea of what their savior would be (until more important people made up something like virgin births to get rid of the questionings.( Also the virgin birth idea was Egyptian first. They used it for the god Horus also that idea was used for Krishna so they probably got that idea from one of them) but they knew the religion would change soon so they let it be and keep flowing around so that others could work on it when they finally had something to work off of. So maybe some people who were important agreed now and then and even those who were and were not brought up in the bible. Also sorry again that this is long winded but i love these kind of discussions!
Look as long as you keep it in the bedroom I don't care if you're gay
I love all this religions all on the same boat. I can practically see a group of satan worshipers coming across Bon Bon and Adam and them having arguments over blood sacrifice
Boy, I'm glad I'm catholic... Ba-dum tsh.. No but seriously, this was another great addition. Also, does anyone else have the urge to watch the movie: Evan Almighty? I do... Hmmm.
2364618
True. (I think 1,500 was the approx.) But what many (almost everybody) forgets is that all animals that exhibit gay tendencies don't limit themselves to just that same gender. They also exhibit straight sexuality in their lifetime as well.
The only animal known to restrict themselves to the same gender in all animals that have gay tendencies is...humans.
2375296
I was hoping someone would make this point. Those who say there are gay animals are being disingenuous. It's more accurate to say there are bisexual animals.
The only animals capable of a naturally-occurring, monogamous, homosexual relationship are human beings.
(And fictional ponies.)
What Adam would say: Dick measuring contest? BLASPHEMY! If they did that they would be unfit to live in the eyes of the lord!!!
Great chapter as always, love the biblical references and I'm glad that Lyra found someone that her and Bonbon can relate to. 
Hm. I wonder where the Pegasi are...? If they are considered 'the birds of the air', there might be 7 of them on the ark. I can just see a pegasus stallion approaching Adam and 'Steve' to say "Hey blokes, I've got six of these hot featherbeds up here, and I'm only biblically allowed four, so what say the two of you take one each off my hooves? I'll even allow you to pick."
Literal sheeple! Brilliant!
And Sacrifice trumps Faith any day!
2397338
that's nice mine freund
As an ewesh man myself, I approve of this kosher chapter.
did i ever tell you how much i love religious parodies?