• Member Since 21st May, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 18th, 2019

Blitz Stratus


E

While walking home from work, through a thick blanket of snow you find a little filly name Luna laying in the snow. Would you take her home or leave her alone to freeze in the snow?

Note: The format is messed up on Monospace and Courier New

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 153 )

Not bad. Worth a favorite. :derpytongue2:

Wow. The formatting is a mess.

2070381 You do realize there's a reply functionality for the comments, right? If I hadn't checked back into the comments, I would have never seen your response.

Anywho, the whole formatting is whack because it seems like you've centered (EDIT: thought it seemed centered, my bad) and indented the entire chapter, and even then the indenting seems very spontaneous with some trailing lines breaking into the next with indenting, or sometimes without. It makes it very jarring to look at. I need only point you at your second paragraph for an example of this, on top of most of the later half of the chapter.

2070258
Agreed. Keeping an eye on this, liking it so far, and it seems the formatting issue brought up in the comments has been fixed as well.

2070381 For me nearly every other line is indented, if you want I could screencap it to show you.

2070655 I'm looking at it right now, and it still hasn't been fixed.

2071039
What are you viewing it on? My tower that I view with Firefox shows left align with no tabbing. My phone I'm writing this comment on shows the same, with tabbing. No center align at all.

2071146 Yeah, it seemed that it wasn't centered, but the problems with the formatting are still there.

For reference, the chapter looks like this from my end. That is a complete and utter mess to read through.

Awww man, I want more! Please! :pinkiehappy: This was just starting to get interesting! :twilightsmile: Aside from a few typos, I found you using apostrophes (') on words that don't need them. Like near the end you have "house's" when the house isn't owning anything. And the following is a paragraph from the beginning with the same minor issue:

"Man I'm out of shape." You pant, as you clutch your side's. Then between your gasp's for air
the sound of a small voice come's to your frost burned ear's.

The words in red should be replaced with the words in green, below:

"Man I'm out of shape." You pant, as you clutch your sides. Then between your gasps for air
the sound of a small voice comes to your frost burned ears.

There are a few more near the beginning, I'm just not awake enough to find them all. Aside from that little issue, the rest is very good! I really want to read more and see what happens next! I've fav'd and will be keeping an eye on this! I've often wondered if anyone would do a story based on the pic you used for your cover image. :eeyup:

2071397 I've gone over it and fixed as many typos as i can find. thanks for pointing them out JaydexTheShadowKnight.:twilightsmile:

And I've added adjusted the format for the people who pointed it out.

2072391
Glad I could help. I look forward to more. I have a real soft spot for Luna, especially given, she is one of my favorite ponies! :yay: I didn't notice any formatting issues, everything was "left-aligned" and looks fine as far as I could tell. :twilightsmile:

Hey Blitz Stratus,

This was a fairly good read; I compliment you for taking an idea similar to My Little Dashie and throwing in your own good twists. As has been mentioned, you have a good amount of formatting and grammatical errors, but still I've given it a follow to see where it goes.

I do have a full review here if you'd like to see it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjGtr8FW0pA&feature=youtu.be

2073503 Thank you and im still in the process of fixing the grammer and formating errors.
so i'll get the updated version up as soon as I can.:twilightsmile:

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say this is My Little Luna under any other name.

2073868 Well yeah but that title didn't sound right to me.

wright more pleaz :pinkiehappy:

2072852 Luna is one of my fav ponys too. I can't wait to see what happons next. :rainbowdetermined2:

Its a ripoff of "My Little Dashie" but it has Luna so your forgiven

Other than that, great work:twilightsheepish:

WARNING: ADORABLNESS OVER LOAD! HEART TRANSPLANT NEEDED!!!

*gasp* DEAR GOD!!! THAT AMOUNT OF ADORABLNESS COULD KILL A MAN!!!

2080880 SCREW "It is a ripoff" IT'S STILL ADORABLE:flutterrage:

2085843 Even I was hit by Luna, it still woudn't be as painful as seeing her freeze.
:fluttershyouch:ouch

Comment posted by HighTreason25 deleted Feb 7th, 2013

Good story, please please please proof read. There are multiple glaring errors.

3rd paragraph "You mumble as a faith noise reach's your ear" faint?
4th paragraph "Your breath is heavy as you skid to a halt in front of on alleyway, trying to catch your breath." No.
16th paragraph "After what seems like a lifetime one of your hands bumps into something other then snow. What it is, is what was a cardboard box" Me being picky but I do not like the way that was worded.

Meh, still very good just those things really pop out at me.
You reserve the right to call me stupid and say everything in those sentences is actually correct. You may very well be right, English is a dumb language.

And that is why you should not put living creatures in your jacket unless there is no other option. Because you will get hit. In the face. In a not-so-gentle fashion.

Words of wisdom right there.:eeyup:

Call me crazy but isn't this a ripoff of My Little Dashie? :unsuresweetie:

I dont vare if this is a ripof on My little dashi i still love it keep it comming:pinkiehappy:

2107193 It won't be a rip off of My Little Dashie. Mostly because I've never read My Little Dashie.
So it would be a bit hard to make a rip off of it.

What's up with the alignment? :rainbowhuh:

well, alignment was fine until "Hey. If your still in this room I have something to say." and then it started skipping again + random misspell:

rapping her little legs around your neck.

So much DAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW:pinkiehappy: I love the story please continue :pinkiehappy::twilightsmile::yay::moustache::yay:

I'd say that this second chapter is quite an improvement compared to the first. You did much better with spelling/grammar errors, and I'm really starting to like where you're going with the story. I even find the "cutsieness" bearable, and I'm not the guy to go for cute stories.

Keep up the good work, my friend.

Hnnnnnnnng (thump) call an ambulans
Cuteness lvl it's ower 9000:flutterrage:

Oh god, anything but a crying Lu... HHHNNNNNNGGG!

Se is has special eyes to make others cry.
:pinkiesad2:

Hey, just a few things...

Under the couch hey.

To me that should be eh, not hey.

Also, if I had a nosebleed like that, I would have gotten a towel or something first, but that's just me.:applejackunsure:

Otherwise, good job, keep up the good work, all that jazz...:yay:

P.S... looks around to make sure no one else is watching HHHNNNGGG!!!

WHYYYYYYYYYYY


WHY A CRYING LUNA

rapping her little legs around your neck.

should be wrapping.

I also understand why your hiding from me

"Uh I made you a salad if your....hungry"

should be you're.

Just a couple of things I caught. Please, continue.

good chapter good to see wuna (baby luna) is sorry for kicking him directly in the face btw HNNNNNNNG

baby tomato's, and a few radish's

her eye's

drop the ', it's unappropriate here.

One note; that salad wont be very safe to eat now.

blood pooling in your hand from your newly broken nose.

You never mentioned washing hands and dressing the injury. :raritywink:

this story is painfully adorable:twilightsheepish::pinkiesad2::heart:

Awww, just as it's getting good, the chapter ends! :raritydespair: But I shall eagerly await more! And aside from everyone else's concern about the character's bloody nose needing attention, you did much better on the grammar and spelling. And, I am still loving this! :yay: A quivering lip baby Luna... *grabs heart* So much dawwwww....hnnnnnggg!

I was reading this in bubble voice so i thank you for giving me a cardiac arrest

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