Equine Tails and Their Tangible Relation to the Definitive Flavourings of Magic: A Thesis by Rainbow Dash (Dictated But Not Read)

by 8_Bit

Nomf

I have a theory.

And, as far as theories go, it's a weird one. At least, eggheads like Twilight would call it weird. But I think it's a theory I can back up with good, hard evidence. And eggheads like evidence, right?

So, we all know there are different types of magic in Equestria.

Earth pony magic, which helps them look after plants, and animals, and all that junk.

Unicorn magic, which... well, it's magic. Like, if you're the type of egghead who owns a dictionary, pick it up and look up 'magic'. You'll probably find a picture of a unicorn.

And then there's pegasus magic. Now, I can imagine ponies asking 'what magic?', and to that I say:

Firstly, shut up.

Secondly, we do have some magic. You think our small wings can really move fast enough to give us enough lift to get off the ground?

No. Magic helps.

Plus, there's our ability to manipulate weather. Ask my mom and dad's next door neighbours from when I was growing up in the outskirts of Cloudsdale. They can tell you exactly how good I was at reshaping clouds into spelling out rude words.

So what is my theory? Magic has flavour. Like, you can taste it.

It may sound crazy, maybe even a little stupid. But I ask this: why not? Magic does all kinds of crazy stuff all over Equestria and beyond, so who's to say that magic doesn't have a taste?

Now, as the eggheads will likely be asking, 'how did you come to this conclusion, oh awesome one?', and to you, eggheads, I say this.

Because I tasted it myself.

Anypony lucky enough to have been at a certain Best Young Flyers Competition in Cloudsdale will remember bearing witness to that most amazing of showstoppers, the Sonic Rainboom. Performed by yours truly. Now, I can't dwell for too long on this subject, but if you want the whole recount of the events of that day, they'll be covered in chapters eighty-nine to ninety-seven of my fan-published biography, which is apparently coming soon.

When exactly? Ask Scootaloo.

So, it wasn't until after the whole thing happened, while I was flying away to chill with the coolest ponies this side of Mount Aris, the Wonderbolts, when I realised that I could taste something. The Sonic Rainboom had left spicy flavours in my mouth.

For legal reasons, I'm not allowed to actually suggest trying to taste a rainbow. But if you were to visit the Cloudsdale Weather Factory, and were to accidentally let the main ingredient of rainbows, a liquid called Spectra, touch your tongue?

Well, firstly, I was not involved in the series of events that led to you doing this.

Secondly, you would realise how seriously spicy Spectra is, as is rainbow essence.

And thirdly, you'd probably be smart to go to the ponies who run the Weather Factory, to find out what voluntary organizations exist to help you rehabilitate afterwards.

Getting off-subject there, but yeah. In a nutshell, rainbows are spicy.

And that got me thinking: maybe it's not just rainbows that are spicy. Maybe pegasus magic is spicy.

So if pegasus magic is spicy, do the other types of magic have flavours as well?

It's about here that I hit a bump in the road. I mean, seriously, how do you go around tasting magic without raising eyebrows? Trot up to Twilight Sparkle and ask her if you can sample a taste of her unicorn magic? Yeah, that's not gonna fly.

But if magic has flavors, I kinda want to know them all. I've got the spicy Sonic Rainboom covered, but what about the rest? Is unicorn magic all sophisticated and intellectual, like a fine wine? Does earth pony magic taste like the freshest apples in Sweet Apple Acres?

And how about alicorn magic? I bet Princess Celestia's magic tastes like eternal sunshine and wisdom. Luna's might be a bit more mysterious, like a midnight snack of dreams and starlight. Now that's something worth trying!

I realise I'm venturing into very dangerous territory there. I don't think two immortal goddesses of the sky would appreciate me eyeing them up like they're a tasty snack.

Or worse, maybe they would appreciate it? Thousands of years old, they might be into some crazy stuff.

But with ponies whose magic doesn't exactly have a magical aura you can chase, how do you taste it?

Easy. Have a taste of their tail.

And if I just lost you, here's my reason. I nibble my tail in my sleep sometimes, nervous habit (tell anypony and you're dead), and I know when I've done that because I wake up with traces of spicy flavours on my tongue.

Spectra is spicy. Rainbows are spicy. My tail is spicy. My tail is also rainbow-patterned.

Coincidence?

Maybe I could organize a taste-testing party with some other ponies. We could call it 'Magic Munchies' or something. Twilight might even get on board if I frame it as a 'scientific investigation'.

But the alternative is way more likely: that Twilight will call me an idiot.

And on the other side: what if there's regional flavours based on the personality of the pony?

Like, okay, so your normal earth pony, who might have a tail that has more earthy, savoury flavouring? Compare that to Pinkie Pie, also an earth pony. You gonna sit there and tell me her tail would taste like anything other than the sweetest sweet that ever sweeted?

As far as theories go, it's out there. I know that. I have some self-awareness.

But this whole theory? I had to come up with on the spot.

So, to bring this whole spiel full circle: I say all of this as a rational excuse for this thing that happened last Tuesday, where I was in bed with Applejack, and I woke up to find I was nibbling on her tail. And she asked me why.

Because... all I could think of to say was "Umami."

Comments

[Joel11]

Good

[Fluttershyisacutegal]

quite cute, I'll say

[oranzinispegasas]

masterpiece

[LordKioshi]

Perfection at its finest

[marmalado]

Very interesting take on the extremely silly cover art. I love it!

[Themaskedferret]

Hahaha, excellent! I really appreciate that you captured Dash's specific level of scientific intelligence. n_n Fun headcanon too.

[Shakespearicles]

> Apple Snack intensifies

[Mica]

Concise, funny, on character, love it.

I also used to joke that maybe white ponies like Rarity would be vanilla flavored, Twilight would be grape flavored, Scootaloo orange flavored, etc.

[Novi]

Very well written and adorable!

[Winter_Solstice]

Okay: When I find myself actually agreeing with RAINBOW DASH, even for a moment, it's time to sit in front of the fireplace with a bottle of eighteen-year-old scotch and contemplate where my life went wrong...

[ThePeer]

Rainbow Dash,

We deeply appreciate your submission to the Canterlot Scientific Journal but to get approval we need you to do further testing. Please send us your findings when you get them.

- The Journal

[Secret Moon]

11802119
We do know the rainbow in Cloudsdale factory has flavor- spicy.
Uh oh...

[Lexiebommel10]

11802119
Twilight would taste like grape poprocks and rarity more like wine i think. I wana taste all the tails now. Also hair is magicaly linked with thier magic since rarity couldnt simply grow hers back so it could have a taste imparted.
Mhmm poprocks

[TheManehattanite]

That was a wonderful, much needed laugh. Thank you.

[Shrinky Frod]

Tell the truth, Rainbow.

Were you answering "umami" or "ooh, mommy," we won't judge!

[Turbotune]

What a delight! Time for more Rainbow tests on Magic Tails!
And Applejack can help, we all saw her tasting Rainbow's tail multiple times~

[DragonIdiot]

i just imagine rainbow walking up behind someone and saying 'can i taste your tail?'

[Stahlseele]

i mean . . she has a point . . kinda . .
also, pinkie would probably be up
for letting her taste her tail a bit.
And it would taste like cotton candy floss as well.

[sunray boom]

I love this I have not stopped laughing.

[Jymbroni]

Spectra is spicy. Rainbows are spicy. My tail is spicy. My tail is also rainbow-patterned.

This had me rolling. Rainbow have you tasted your tail!?

But this was an awesome story and you definitely nail how Rainbow would approach a topic like this.

[8_Bit]

11802914

I nibble my tail in my sleep sometimes, nervous habit (tell anypony and you're dead), and I know when I've done that because I wake up with traces of spicy flavours on my tongue.

Why yes, she has

And thank you!

[PrincePegacornV]

11802369
Your comment is one of the funniest yet! Although, it isn't just Rainbow that causes me to feel that way. There are several of these pony characters that do make me sit back and wonder, "I just don't know what went wrong!", then hit the cinnamon schnapps...

[AvoidingFever17]

Spectra is spicy. Rainbows are spicy. My tail is spicy. My tail is also rainbow-patterned.

I hear spectra and immediately go NOT RAINBOW FACTORY!

[AvoidingFever17]

11802369
Hey!
She is Loyalty so you gotta agree at something

[Lurks-no-More]

Nomf!

[Mind Jack]

Very funny story! Loved the punchline at the end.

[Gyro Pony]

So first Pinkie... tasting horns FOR SCIENCE!!
Now Rainbow... tasting tails. (Yes, for science too).

I can't find that one-shot fic about Pinkie. Someone help me find it.

[Gyro Pony]

Duplicate post deleted.
Pinkie is messing with the Internetz again.