Tired
Rainbow Dash suppressed a sigh, her eyes fixed down into her lap. Her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton - vague and fuzzy noises filtered in from the outside world, almost unrecognizable. Somepony was talking. Somepony was laughing. A group, chattering happily, all around her. She didn’t really feel like joining them. Didn’t really feel like anything at all, really. She was just tired.
The chattering stopped. She noticed that. The silence it left. Her head was heavy, difficult to lift, but she managed to look up to see the group of gathered mares looking at her expectantly. Her mouth was dry, her drink untouched. “Huh?” Her voice croaked out, more scratchy and rough than usual.
Rarity’s eyes narrowed, slightly. Annoyed that she’d been ignored, probably. “I asked how your training was going,” she said. “None of us have seen you out practicing recently.”
“Oh,” Rainbow said. She shook her head. “It’s… fine.”
Applejack cocked her head to the side. “Fine?” She echoed. “Not ‘amazing’ or ‘awesome’? Who are you and what have you done with Rainbow Dash?” She asked jokingly, earning a small chuckle around the table.
Rainbow didn’t laugh. “I don’t know,” she muttered under her breath before she could catch herself. She winced and coughed, hoping nopony had heard her. She puffed out her chest slightly, and her usual bravado felt like an ill-fitting mask as she said “I’ve got ponies lining up for autographs as usual - you know how it is.”
“Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy asked quietly from her right, and Rainbow forced herself to smile as she turned to her oldest friend. “Are you okay?”
No. “Yeah, just a little tired. Why wouldn’t I be,‘Shy?”
“If you’re sure,” she said. “You’ve seemed kind of strange recently.”
“I think you mean awesome,” Rainbow corrected with a painfully forced chuckle.
“You haven’t touched your sandwich,” Pinkie noted.
Rainbow looked down at her plate and the offending slices of bread. She shrugged. “Eh, I’m not that hungry. Had a big breakfast this morning. You can have it, if you want.”
Usually, Pinkie was on leftovers in a heartbeat, this time, she just quirked her head to the side. “Are you sure?”
Waving a hoof dismissively, Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure. You kinda ambushed me for this gettogether right after I finished eating.”
“We apologize for the abruptness, dear,” Rarity said. “It’s just that you’ve had to cancel the last few meetups for work. So when we heard from Flitter that you had the day off, we wanted to take advantage of it.”
Flitter. Of course it was Flitter. “Heh, yeah, work’s been crazy recently.” Rainbow reached up to scratch the back of her neck. “Lotta clouds rolling in from the Everfree this time of year. Gotta keep ‘em in check or they’ll cause a real mess. Been pretty tired because of it.”
“And y’all’re sure you’re okay?” Applejack asked.
Rainbow felt her muscles tense slightly. “I’m fine, AJ. Just tired.”
“If’n ya say so,” Applejack conceded, accepting the answer. And why wouldn’t she? She was the Element of Honesty, and Rainbow was telling the truth.
She was tired. Tired of these questions, tired of-
“Scootaloo hasn’t seen you in-”
“What is this, twenty questions!?” Rainbow shouted suddenly, slamming her hoof down on the table as her wings snapped open. “Some kinda interrogation? Why do I have to answer for every second of my day? I’ve been busy at work, and I’ve been tired, so I’ve been napping. The hell else do you want from me!?”
The outburst left the group in silence, and Rainbow cursed herself under her breath. “Sorry, sorry,” she said, tucking her wings back against her sides. “I’m just tired, and I guess a little grumpy.”
“A little?” Pinkie asked.
Rainbow glared at her. She didn’t mean to, but she did. “Okay, fine, a lot.”
“Have you not been sleeping well?” Rarity asked.
Rainbow’s teeth ground together. “I’m fine, just tired,” she repeated. “I’m… I’m gonna go find someplace to nap, okay? Sorry for snapping,” she said, her chair squeaking as she stood up. She was stopped as something pulled on her tail, and she whirled around to chew out whoever it was, only to find not a pony, but rather a sparkling magenta aura around her tail. She looked back to its source - a similar glow around Twilight Sparkle’s horn. Their eyes met, and Rainbow could see the silent question lingering behind her violet irises.
“I’m. Fine,” she growled lowly, grabbing her tail with her teeth and yanking it out of the unicorn’s grasp. “Just tired. I’ll see you all later.”
A cheerful jingle announced her departure as the bell above the door was shaken, and she slammed it shut behind her as she took off into the sky.
She cursed Flitter for ratting out her day off. Cursed her friends for trying to stage some kind of intervention, or whatever that was supposed to be.
Cursed herself for making them worry.
She was fine. Just…
She was just tired.
So very tired.
She didn’t bother using the door, instead opting to fly right into her bedroom window, crash-landing directly on her bed with a soft bounce. Clouds were the best places to nap, and she was so tired, she felt like the second her head hit the pillow, she’d drift off to sleep.
Maybe she’d be a little less tired when she woke up.
If she woke up, anyway.
She recognized that thought, and frowned, her eyes pinched shut. She wasn’t supposed to think things like that. Normal ponies didn’t think things like that, or at least if they did, it scared them.
It didn’t really scare her.
“Shut up,” she growled, flipping onto her back and staring up at the blank white cloud ceiling.
Being unable to sleep was another unfortunately familiar sensation. Long nights spent staring at nothing were an old friend, but she didn’t much feel like getting out of bed, either. Instead she just lay there, bored and lost in thought.
Until she heard a noise she was dreading. A faint magical popping noise, right outside her door.
“Rainbow?”
She groaned as Twilight’s voice drifted in through her window, and she pressed her head back into her pillow. Maybe, if she stayed quiet, the unicorn would assume she was asleep.
“You can’t sleep, can you?”
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. How would she know?
“You’re so tired, all you want to do is sleep, but you just lay there counting the minutes, right? And sometimes you think about getting out of bed and doing something else, but the thought of doing anything just makes you more tired.”
Eyes wide, Rainbow sat up in bed, looking towards her window. Did Twilight… too…?
“Please talk to me.”
Rainbow licked her lips and found them painfully dry. “D-door’s open,” she said, quietly. So quiet she wasn’t sure if she’d been heard, but a moment later she heard her door open, and a set of hooves was climbing the stairs.
Then she appeared in the doorway, a small smile on her face. “Hi,” she breathed.
Rainbow swallowed nervously. “D-do you…?” She trailed off, but her question was obvious, and Twilight sighed. Instead of answering, she trotted over and glanced at the bed, then back to Rainbow, silently asking permission.
Rainbow shifted, and nodded, and Twilight sat down on the bed next to her. Their sides pressed together gently as the mattress depressed under their weight, forcing them closer together.
“Sometimes…” Twilight started, but paused, and had to take a deep breath. “Sometimes it feels like I’m so tired I can’t even keep my eyes open, but I still can’t sleep. Reading is… exhausting. Everything is exhausting. Everything that I’m supposed to love or enjoy just seems so… boring, and tiring, and I just feel… numb.”
Numb… that was a good word for it.
Rainbow found herself staring at the mare next to her, Twilight’s eyes seemed to shimmer distantly.
“I’m tired,” Rainbow said slowly. “I’m tired of everything. Tired of being awake, tired of being asleep, tired of my flight practice and my pranks and tired of reading Daring Do. I-I’m… I’m t-tired of… of…” she stuttered and struggled as a thought she’d felt so often was forced into words.
Twilight remained quiet, waiting patiently.
“Sometimes,” Rainbow said, and she felt herself swallow a lump that hit her stomach like a bowling ball and stayed there. “Sometimes I just get tired of being alive.”
She winced, bracing for Twilight’s reaction. Anger, maybe, at having such a thought. Maybe she’d be disappointed, or offended.
Instead, very gently, Twilight reached out and put a hoof around Rainbow’s shoulders, drawing her into a hug.
“Sometimes,” Twilight whispered gently in her ear, “When I do finally fall asleep, I wonder if it would be better to just not wake up.”
Rainbow Dash felt her heart throb, and it felt like something inside her shattered. “I-...” she croaked out, but her voice broke, and nothing more came, until Twilight squeezed her a little tighter, and like forcing the water out of a sponge tears poured down Rainbow's cheeks as she took a shuddering breath.
Then she buried her face in Twilight’s chest and sobbed.
Twilight just held her tightly, letting her cry as much as she needed, even as a few empathetic tears leaked from her own eyes. She felt her chest quickly become damp, but she wasn’t particularly concerned with that. Her hooves rubbed in small circles over Rainbow’s back
Slowly, very slowly, Rainbow calmed, even as her breath still came in fitful hitches and sniffles, the warmth of the mare holding her seemed to drive away the numbness that had taken over her. Eventually, she pulled back just enough to look up and see Twilight’s face. “D-does it ever go away?”
Twilight smiled sadly at her. “Not entirely,” she said. “But it can get better. You can find ways to manage it. Make it easier to deal with, so that it happens less often, or doesn’t last as long.”
“How?”
“Talking about it is a good start.”
Rainbow nodded, slowly. “Twi?”
“Hmmm?”
Her cheeks flushed slightly as she asked, “C-can you, um... can you h-hold me for a little longer?”
Twilight chuckled quietly, once more drawing Rainbow tight against her chest. “For as long as you want.”
Though her face burned with shame and embarrassment, Rainbow felt herself smile into the damp purple fur, as her heart beat gradually slowed with her breathing. Before too long, soft snores slipped past her lips, and Twilight smiled as she held her sleeping friend.
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I feel this. On like a VERY personal level I do feel this.
I really liked this story, It’s very well written and lowkey relatable with the insomnia
i love me some good ole twidash
lovely story!
Amazing, love it :D
Tired.
That is as fitting of a word as any.
You wake up, look outside, the sun is shining, birds are singing, bees are buzzing, crickets are chirping - and all you feel is tired.
There are friends you can visit, gardening you could do, games to play, hobbies to pursue - and all you feel is tired.
A really excellent story!
I relate so much
This was a good read before bed. My kind of depression, when experienced, is less like general life-sapped numbness and more like spirals of agitated misery. I would actually prefer to have the version represented in this story, the pure feeling of heavy-weighted do-nothingness, though that may partly be an artifact of being tired right now. Luckily I have come out of my latest depressive episode I think, which makes the sadness of this more of a vibeshift for me than it would have been last month. Maybe I shouldn't read too many sad stories. There's a kind of sympathetic pleasure to be derived from empathizing with characters in such moods. I wonder what if anything in particular has Twilight and Dash feeling like this. It's quite interesting to see a character like Dash be depressed and wonder how someone like her could get to a state so antithetical to her typical presentation. The part with the crying and being held at the end was well-written and depicted exactly what I need more of in my life.
I was like this for over a decade and a half… heck, I still feel this way every now and then…
Damn it, stop punching us in the feels with something we can easily relate to!
yep.
just yep.
Sometimes I'm like this with my friends but most of the time it's... harder to explain. Like, imagine living in a cottage with a fireplace. It's cold outside, really cold. I have to start the fire or I'll freeze, I'm reluctant but I'll do it. Sometimes, my friends come over, so I do what I can to ensure the cottage is cozy, my thoughts squarely on them. They come over. We chat, we play, I keep the demons away. But as soon as I open the door to let them leave a gale of wind extinguishes the flames and it's cold again. My strength is sapped, the demons back and the numbness won't go away.
…good story, very good. I’m…gonna go think.
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It's easier to are about others, than it is to care about ourselves. Others radiate a sense of value outward, that we can't even find within ourselves.
"There's beauty in the breakdown..."
It can be mighty difficult to explain one's mental and emotional troubles, especially for the one who is dealing with them.
You explained Rainbow Dash's troubles so simply and pointedly that anyone reading this tale can understand what she's going through.
It also puts a certain EQG song into perspective for me.
You did a fine job!
i don't have much to say that hasn't been said better by others, but thanks a lot for writing this.
I tend to avoid stories like these because seeing Rainbow hurt makes me sad, and I was worried seeing the tags, but after reading it, I'm glad Dashie has Twilight help her
I'd say the story is very well written, and it does hit home.
Read this aloud for an audiobook version to come soon.
I think this is a overdue change of pace from all the silly stories I've been reading lately.
Thank you.
I feel like this quite a lot too, the best thing to do is to just get busy with something, until it passes.
I have a continnuous dissatisfaction when it comes to this topic.
No, it's not the story, I quite enjoyed it. The first scene may have changed RD's character a bit more than necessary in my opinion, but I loved the trepidation when stating that living is tiring; that was a really good framing.
No, it's just that a lot of stories that deal with similar subjects, and have good or bittersweet endings, usually limelight the sharing of pain. I am sure most people do find solace in "you are not alone," but to me is, "welp, if your life sucks more than mine, then the world is truly a sad world."
I understand that building context and personal relationships leads to healing. Still, it feels numb to me. Maybe I have no soul.
Anyways, great story, you should feel proud of making something that makes people think a bit more deeply.
In a weird way, the best thing about this story is, in my opinion, that it's NOT a TwiDash fic. Don't get me wrong, their dynamic is pretty well written as usual, and the subtext is definitely there, but it's just that: subtext. I dunno, I've seen quite a few fics where something like this would be used at cheap against to put the romance into motion, when in real life making a move on your friend just after learning something like that is... problematic, to say the least.
Back when I was an engineering student, this was my default setting. The constant feeling of not wanting to do anything. I was so tired all the time - tired of going to classes, tired of not understanding any of my lessons, tired of sitting at my desk desperately trying to understanding my homework. Tired of wasting my parents’ money, tired of failing my exams, tired of eating lunch alone.
Tired of being less than I know I can be.
After I dropped out, the feeling dissipated. Eventually. Nowadays, with my job, I feel a different kind of tired. It’s a physical exhaustion, which leaves after a good night’s sleep. Mentally speaking, however, I’ve never felt better.
This story resonates with me. It brought back painful memories of my awful, awful time in college. But this fic is also comforting, in a way. I like the feeling of not being alone in my suffering.
Thank you for this wonderful piece, Kodeake, and my heartfelt congratulations on a well-deserved Top Featured spot.
Sometimes, the thing that has been done before needs to be done again and again. And you've done it very well.
I'm one of the lucky people who has never really had problems sleeping. But I know some people who have been struggling with insomnia for years, and it can be nasty.
It's good for Rainbow that she has a good, and understanding, friend in Twilight.
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As much as I was dying to end this fic with a kiss (because I like to make the cute ponies kiss), it would very much be the wrong choice. For once I fought back my Twidash addiction, and the story is better for it.
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If this little vent piece does nothing else, I'm glad it can at least help people see they aren't alone. An obvious statement, sometimes, but I find myself needing a reminder, every now and then.
11594811
Honestly I was talking with my editor about whether or not it needed the suicide tag, or even to be rated teen at all, given that it's not actually directly referenced. I added it out of an abundance of caution, knowing it may scare some people off in exchange for warning people about the general themes discussed. I also very much avoid sadfics as a general rule, but I'm glad you decided to check this one out and enjoyed.
Wow, this is an amazing story. There are things that do relate to us in real life.
There are people out there who deal with this stuff, but they have to realize that there are people who experienced the same thing and aren't alone. We need more of empathy in our broken world.
There are a few grammar errors here and there, but it doesn't change the fact that I love this story, and delivers a powerful message. Thank you for creating this!
Depression is not sadness but more of unrelenting numbness
Beautiful depiction here
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Would the same apply to forehead kisses?
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Depression comes in many forms. For some it's numbness, for others it's straight up tiredness.
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Yeah
Depression is like
I dont feel like doing NOTHING!
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As someone who's had chronic depression since he was like 9 or 10, Yeah a kiss would have... ruined it, but maybe taken me out of it.
A pre-established relationship, maybe, but a depressive episode is not the place to confess love. Emotions are wild and people are not thinking things through. Also loves kiss won't just magically make things better. Just slightly easier, if anything
Hugs are good 😊
Good friends are willing to get on your bad side if it means pushing you back onto your good side
Thank you.
This was a very interesting read. I wrote a similar story involving the same character, although it has a slightly different ring to it, I think it still has the same message.
Additionally, I have no issue with thought of wishing I was that tired. A few months ago literally was laying in bed just like Rainbow Dash thinking to myself “I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.” But above all I want is to feel something, anything, because I haven’t been able to cry my emotions out in the last decade, despite how stressful life gets. In other words I’m too numb to cry.
Very good.
This was a really well written one-shot.
I've had days like this, as a single guy in a world that implies that that is bad, I would definitely like to have a friend like Twilight, but most of the people I know at work or in town are young college age or established married families of 20+ years. Even the people that are close to my age have their established friend groups that went to school together yada yada. I moved several times growing up so I don't have those cradle/schoolyard buds that I can go grab a drink with.
I once tried googling singles groups in my area but almost all that led to was "JOIN THIS AMAZING DATING WEBSITE" yeah for how much $$$?
man..................
this story is so relatable somehow, There was a time that i also felt like this.. i just felt so bad about existing at some time that i would literally just spent time sleeping so i wouldn't feel that horrible thing inside my chest... i'd spent various minutes laying on my bed just trying to find a way to stop it. everything just felt it had no propurse, everything that seemed fun before i'd be too scared to try it out again with the fear i would just feel worser. i'd just have the fear that it wouldn't go away.
i'd also spent hours listening to "sad songs", they somehow made this bad feeling a bit less worse. but, i like to think this is just a mental state, if i had been happy before it means i can be happy again. and yeah, everytime this bad feeling comes, it stops after some time (maybe days, maybe weeks, but it will stop). and yeah, it is true in some level, i found ways to avoid this and there was many and many months i wouldn't feel it again, i truly found happiness again. this bad feeling comes up rarely now, but they won't last longer than 1 or 2 days. i hope everyone that have gone through this or something at a similar level find happiness again!
Overall..
i cannot give any solid advice at all because i belive this mental state can only be changed by yourself realizing how to stop it with time and thinking, the worst thing we can say to people with this problem is a simple list of things to do, like "go socialize" or "go find a hobby" because when we feel this way, we don't want to do any of these, and this feels like we can only get better if we do these stuffs we feel tiring to do, which is a great pressure on us and and also a lie. you first need to overcome this massive bad felling and then later seek getting a hobby and socialize, if you feel enough good to talk to someone else for support, do it. dont feel pressured and give it the time you need.
Oh my god. This is probably like, what, my tenth time reading this? I should've probably commented this instant this came out but I'm kinda weird so whatever.
I reread this everytime I'm feeling down so that I don't feel so alone. For some weird reason I like to know that there are ponies who can relate with me so much. Thank you so much for writing this.