The Good Stuff
Just One More Hit
Twilight Sparkle is an addict. But in the wake of scrupulous crack-downs and bans, she has to turn to unsavory sources to get her fix. It’s fine. Just this once. After that, she’ll be done.
She knew from the start that it was a bad idea to come alone. Loitering around a waxed and polished red Mercedes-Benz behind her school’s track field, in the empty corner of the parking lot where students once went to smoke or hook up, was a circle of unfamiliar faces in familiar school uniforms.
“About time you showed,” their leader, an unassuming petite girl named Sour Sweet, leaned off her car and stuck her hand out in greeting. “But I don’t know why we had to come to this dump. If you want a hit, my house is the perfect place, I even got a separate rec room too, if you want privacy.”
Whether she was trying to change their deal or just acting sleazy—her calm, aloof tone and confident smirk told Twilight it was a bit of both—she didn’t have the patience to play games with her dealer. Already her body was feeling hollow like the strength had been sapped from her, and the bouts of insomnia, stress, and anxiety had been ill company during her withdrawal. When was her last hit? Three weeks ago? A month? She had endured long enough, she just needed a little bit to wean herself off. Twilight gripped tight the ends of her skirt, wiping away from her palms the cold sweats that came with anticipation. Then, she shook her hand briskly so that he wouldn’t notice her shivering, the summer night was too warm for that, before reaching for her wallet.
She paused before she showed off her cash. “Did you get what I asked for?”
“Don’t freak, I got you.” Her dealer motioned to one of the other Crystal Prep students, a freshman whom Twilight didn’t recognize, to open the trunk of her Mercedes. Immediately, the musk of fresh paper was as if she had walked into a cluttered, overstocked bookstore, making Twilight’s head swirl and her skin itch. She almost reached out and grabbed the product from the trunk, until she took a look at what he was actually selling. Ever since the Grand Censor, she had been desperate to find reading material that wouldn’t bore her half to sleep, even resorting to rereading books three or four times just to remember what it was like to see an original idea. All that was left in the libraries and schools were whatever the Grand Censor thought wouldn’t challenge traditional social norms. Even private books stores, when enough pressure was put on them, gave in and discontinued most of the titles on the Grand Censor’s “prohibited materials” list. But Twilight still wasn’t desperate enough that she didn’t have standards.
“What are these?” she asked, pointing an accusing finger at the books in her dealer’s car. “I wanted to read A Clockwork Orange, not,” Twilight paused and squinted at the bootleg books, doubting if she was even reading them correctly. “The Steampunk Apple? Seriously?”
Sour’s cocky smirk quickly turned into a frown. “Hey now, it wasn’t easy getting a hold of these, you know.” She grabbed the first title off the stack. “Sure, it’s spoofed a little bit, but that’s just to throw off the Censor Police.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t think this is for me,” Twilight said. “I know times are tough with the Censor but your product, it’s contaminated. You understand why I can’t trust this, right?”
Sour Sweet’s fist balled up and her arm trembled. The other students hanging around her seemed to rouse with her frustration, but they stayed in their places, drinking beers on the hood of Sour’s Mercedes and watching for any roaming teachers. “For God’s sake, I didn’t come all this way for you to skip out on me! What’s it going to take to make a sale, huh?” She pushed away the top layer of books to reveal more titles beneath. “Go ahead, name a book, I’ll have something you want.”
“Sour—”
“Don’t give me that, Twilight,” her dealer snapped. “You think it’s easy getting a summer job at the library in this climate? The Censor found yuri manga on our shelves and halved our budget. So. Name. A. Book!”
“Okay, fine!” Twilight surrendered. “Uh, 1984?”
“Ah!” Sour Sweet snapped and brightened with a smile. “Yes! I have that one!”
“You do?” It seemed like an impossibility, but for a moment, Twilight allowed herself to hope. She leaned forward and watched at the bright red cover and large white font seemed to glow under the park lot’s street lamps.
“Holy shit!” She rarely swore, there were so many better words in the English language to use, but this time, Twilight could not contain her excitement. Without asking she pulled the book from Sour Sweet’s hands and opened it up. And there on the first page was the full title of the contents. 1984: A Historical Atlas.
“No,” Twilight whispered, throwing the book back into Sour’s car. “What the hell, do you have any real books? Do you have To Kill A Mockingbird? ”
“I got the next best thing.” Sour Sweet ripped a book from the bottom of the scattered pile and shoved into her hands. Twilight looked down, her throat dry and void of life.
“This just says Bird Murder.”
“Yep,” Sour Sweet nodded. “It’s basically the same, except everyone is a bird. No white people, no black people, no controversy. It’ll slip right past the Censor, trust me.”
“But it’s not the book I want,” Twilight protested.
“That’s okay, totally understandable. You want something exciting, something revolutionary, well I got more. Check this one out.” She flashed another from her collection, this time a Harry Potter book, though the cover had been drawn over with a sharpie.
Twilight glared at it, eyes wide with disbelief. “Is that Harry, smoking a blunt?”
“I know, right?” Her dealer flashed a stretched grin. “This is a Crystal Prep original. I paid some poor kid to skip class to finish writing this bad boy. I call it: Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer Stoned. It’s the same story but there’s no magic, everyone’s just so high that they think they’re real wizards. That way, the Censor can't complain about exposing kids to witchcraft.”
“But your version has drugs— actually, nevermind. I don’t care.” Twilight threw up her arms and stepped away. “I’m not here to buy your fanfiction rewrites. These banned books can’t just be replaced, they’re literary icons that have forced people to confront controversial dialogues. Why do you think Gender Queer was banned? The people operating the Grand Censor want us to run away from the hard questions the stories pose.”
“Funny you should mention that,” Sour began.
“Don’t,” Twilight groaned, “just don’t.”
“Relax, I’m not going to shill you a knock-off of Gender Queer. But how would you feel about A Dozen Hues of Gay? It’s like Fifty Shades except it’s about twelve ripped gay dudes living together.”
“No—”
Sour Sweet cut her off before she could finish her thought. “It even has professional illustrations at the end of every chapter. Really raunchy stuff.”
She hated admitting it, but that made Twilight pause. She nibbled her lip, debating how desperate she was for something, anything, to read. Over 1,600 books had been banned by the Grand Censor, and every day that number rose. They cornered small-business book stores, used secret police to raid book deliveries, and every school and library had a noose around their budget, threatening to hang them if they even considered breaking the bans. It was impossible to read anything that didn’t conform to the ideals of the Censor’s Board of Directors.
Twilight eventually sighed. “You still have Lemon Zest’s ecstasy?”
“Always.” Sour tilted her head. “Why do you ask?”
“I’ll take two pills, and the, uh, gay book. At least I can still get high and read smut.”
Her dealer chuckled, already reaching for her purse where she kept her drugs. “You got it, girl. Nowadays, that’s just about the only thing any of us can do.”
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...
. I seriously question what caused the world to become like this. Our world isn't this bad. No matter how hard some try.
I laughed. It's pretty funny and topical. I like the word play; it's simple and enjoyable.
This gave me a lot of steven he vibes
11382246
Really wouldn't be that difficult, especially in the USA. Just a few pushes here and there from hardcore, religious fundamentalist politicians, the odd bit of propaganda and an indifferent party system.
Quietly horrifying underneath the veneer of comedy. Nice work in shining a spotlight on the deplorable efforts to silence voices with something to actually say.
11382390
Well its a good thing we don't have a hard right Supreme Court packed with judges that have expressed interests in stripping long held rights in favor of some arcane interpretation of the constitution. . . Right?
(Cries)
…huh.
11382561
Not like it hasn't happened before and in the end they got shoved back. Only good thing about conservatives - they're all stupid and overwhelming old. Eventually they either die from old age or get shoved out by the people who have to clean up their messes.
Now we just need to wise up and ban anyone over 55 from voting or holding office.
Lmao just when I thought it wasn't about drugs.
Oh you fucking got me and it was great
my god
10/10
~Reggie
I’m 99 percent sure this is satire but it’s the one percent chance that haunts me.
11382390
I dunno why this got downvoted, it’s 100% accurate
This story seems particularly apropos for Banned Book Month
Ah, book bans, the bane of a free and healthy society.
Very topical stuff, considering the efforts in some parts of society to stop people from asking the difficult questions.
lol the books people ban and then the books they leave on the shelves...
None of those evangelists who banned books can claim to give a damn about free speech.
11383748
Presumably the "Muh country right or wrong" types or those I'm explicitly calling out.
All she ever wanted was a copy of "If I Ran the Zoo", by Dr. Seuss...
Should there be a "Narcotics" tag on this story? For implications if nothing else.
This can only be an improvement.
Oh god, it's so funny but it's so hard to laugh at. Stretch this to a cinematic run time and you'll have the next don't look up.
11386120
Thank you, that's kind of the feeling I wanted when I wrote this. We must laugh, else we just might cry.
11383287
👀
11383808
Thank you very much. The freedom to write and read is necessary for an informed democratic society.
11383066
Thanks Reggie.
11384787
The use is not depicted, only referenced or implied, so I don't believe that necessitates the tag. Though it would be a good way to double down on the joke.
11385090
It's what the people want.
11382561
It sure is a good thing, or else I might have to write more satire to vent.
11382535
I don't know if I would call it a spotlight, I feel like it's not enough to really demonstrate the issue, but I am glad it gets people thinking and talking.
11387114
Never have truer words have been spoken. In an ideal world it would be taken as a given.
But we, alas, do not live in an ideal world.
11387117
Fair enough. Just sayin'.
This is my relationship with sugar in a nutshell.
I enjoyed your darkly hilarious take on a censored world. The message I took away is that "you can't stop the flow of information. Trying to will lead to...it being controlled by fanfic writers."
11398753
It's definitely one major message, yes. More broadly, my intention was to make a satirical demonstration of how banning literature and preventing the free expression of ideas is futile because grassroots and local efforts will always find ways to circumvent them. And also, such bans on expression and literature will also lead to a corruption of our ideas, as satirised by the many knockoffs in the story.
11399586
Prohibition didn't stop people from enjoying booze. In fact, it led to gangsters controlling booze and deadly moonshine.
The War on Drugs didn't stop people from doing drugs. In fact, it led to the Mexican drug war and unregulated drugs like Krokodil.
Banning books would be just one more futile thing that will blow up in our faces.
Glad I read the comments before reading the fic. 😬
Ok, this is still funny.
11382246
You'd be amazed. I studied at the University of Alabama for a bit, and one of the topics I focused on there was the way that the education system is being manipulated by people in positions of power to try and hide the pretty dark stuff the USA has done. It's also by no means a new phenomenon; older history books about the American Civil War frequently ommitted critical events that did not fit the political narratives (pro-Confederate ones, for example, often leave out the siege of Fort Sumpter because the Confederacy firing first did not fit the narrative of the Civil War being a war of Northern Aggression).
11399686
Especially in the age of internet distribution of text.
11611715
Similarly, the stringent copyright laws haven't stopped the creation of derivative works. The laws try (and fail) to wipe out creativity in the name of creating IP cartels like Disney.
11612551
Fanfiction is considered Fair Use in the UK AFAIK.
11612561
I know. But for artists who want to turn a profit, copyright heavily restricts what they can produce.
Hence why it wasn’t until 2023 a Winnie the Pooh horror movie got made.
11613230
This is news to me.
11613447
Believe me. The copyright regime is so draconian, Disney was able to block a family from burying one of their relatives with a Spider Man tombstone, claiming THAT was a copyright violation.
11613538
I remember that case. It certainly made Disney look pretty bad.
11613634
I'll put it to you this way: Had it not been for the 1998 extension of copyright, stuff like Murder on the Orient Express, Charlie's Chaplin's Modern Times, and Casablanca would've entered the public domain. Independent creators could've done their for-profit works with them.
Sort of unrelated, but my mind wandered to this.
Very love the premise and execution. She needed to become the Princess of Books