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My name is Rainbow Dash and today I learned something new. I learned I'm actually a changeling. You'd think that would be something you would already know. I just learned it now when I saw my true self for the first time. How did I come to replace the real Rainbow Dash, and when? And why can't I remember it?
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1325663
Bannable offense.
1325664 What did he say?
1325687 All he commented was 'First!'
What is with the dislikes? It's a decent story. Bit overused idea but it's not like Black and Red alicorn OC or Brony in Equestria.
1325664
Who said what?
Well, I had a few problems with this.
1. Applejack's accent. When we read Applejack's lines, we know that it's Applejack speaking, so we're already reading it in her accent. You don't have to write her accent in. I wouldn't have had a problem with it, though, if you hadn't over-written it. "Twah?" "Bahfore?" Really?
2. The "one of the mane 6 is really a changeling" thing is a little overused at this point.
However, besides from this, it's an OK story. I'll read further chapters if you decide to continue this, but I won't favorite it.
The stuff I have to put up with to join the TWE. Anyways, my beard and I have read the chapter and have some advice:
First, and most important: EMOTION! Show it, a lot. Dialogues feel bland, boring and uninteresting. Feels like I'm reading through a menu in a restaurant. And that's bad. My beard implies that if something reads like a menu you should be able to ask some of it to eat, which I think it's not the case.
There are some punctuation issues here and there, but nothing way too horrible.
Most of the story, like three quarters of it, is mostly random scenes that just stretch the story too much and tells nothing about the premise of the fic. And that only makes the interest grab his suitcase and call a taxi.
One of the thinks that made my beard try to punch the screen was the "Finally she got bored and opened her eyes" part. Seriously, it makes no sense! She kept her eyes close not because the sight of her eyelids was amazing, but becayse the pain (as you mentioned) didn't allow her to open them.
Anyways, considering the one issue with the spell in the season finale that disrupted every single changeling, it didn't affect RD here. Why? There must be explanations. If you are to mess with canon, you need a hell of a lot of stuff to back your theories up. And you have non here.
I can't judge with the Choo Choo thing, and I don't consider this SO bad. However, I have the feeling that both AJ and FS's scenes were put there in order to make the story long enough to submit. It's not like it's going to be important in the long run (I don't trust that those scenes will become Chekhov's guns of any kind), and a simpler and shorter scene would've worked better.
Good day,
Simon o'Sullivan, bearded reviewer.
This is relevant to my interests... let's see where this will go
1325891
I for one, don't mind the long chat strings, I'm even prone to writing them myself. The dialogue sounds normal, which is often used to try and give a sense of normalcy to make RD's big unveil more shocking. Same with all the random scenes, normalcy to make the unveil more shocking.
I do like this fic, and am interested to see where it goes.
1326287
It's called juxtaposition, and it's the same reason Half Life opened with ten minutes of you going to work on a normal day before the place explodes.
Decent idea, but the execution has... quite a bit to be desired.
The introduction with Applejack then Fluttershy could stand to be either expanded upon to, as 1326287 says, create a sense of RD having a normal day before the reveal, or deleated, start with the reveal, then go back in time to show--as stated in the description--RD had no idea she was a Changeling. As the introduction is now, I feel like it's a waste of space, and I speed-read through most of it (something I very rarely do, and almost exclusively to stuff I've already read before).
Also, RD's reaction to finding herself stuck to a wall really should be extensively explored, and I imagine she would be a bit more violent about finding herself trapped with AJ glaring at her and FS crying, at least until TS asks that question. At this point, I think it's really important it is shown that she is still RD (or thinks she is) somewhere in the part after she awakes from the effect of TS's spell--the sooner, the better.
1326317
What fun that was. So the term 'juxtaposition' actually applies to entire segments of the story? I thought it only applied to things like: "X was a nice bully." Ie, words or phrases that contradict. I guess you really do learn something new every day :D
As of this minute, "Forever a Changeling" is featured on FimFiction. Congrats :P
1326382
Yay! This is the 2nd time one of my stories has been featured. The last one was up for almost an hour.
faving this.
... Yeah, sure, this looks interesting... Continue...
Before even reading, and without an image because I'm lazy,
FOREVER A DRONE.
Is it me in my insecurity or is there a lot more "I'm a changeling" stories lately?
Aaaand I read it. Dear Christ, the bit at the end about the dividers makes this feel like an episode of Doctor Who. And the dialogue reminds me of me. That's not a good sign.
1326287
I have to agree to certain point. However, I still consider the amount of them a bit excessive. Maybe if there was only one scene would've been fine. I'm a writer myself and I don't shrink to admit that the first paragraph of a story is the hardest to write, and something like a scene of day-to-day life is the most reasonable option.
I still consider that the dialogues are heavily lacking emotions, and though it's true the fact about normalcy, I have to disagree with your concept of normalcy. For example, Pinkie Pie being giggly and hyperactive is normalcy. Actions that ponies do everyday are normalcy. The fact that the ponies speak without a single trace of emotion attached to it... seems like we have cybermen speaking; emotionless, plain and boring dialogue. I just think that some spice of gestures and emotions to go with the dialogue would vastly improve it.
Even though the story is slightly interesting (though the premise is slightly overused as I've noticed), I don't consider that a bad sign, but it's indeed a challenge for the writer here. He must stand and say "I can do it better. I can do it memorable. I can make a story that will become the epythome of the "pony was really a changeling all along" concept!". And then he must do his best, and then do even better. And while it's an average start, the future chapters will dictate how this will do.
*clears throat* *large inhale*
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOWWW!!!!!!!!!!
1325814 That's bizarre, overused, you say? This is only the second 'Mane 6 is actually a Changeling' fic I've ever seen. The first being 'Whoe we Are.'
D'you got links to the others?
Wow, I must say that you are truly talented if you could make me favorite a 1000word story at the first chapter. Excellent work, my dear Author!
1326524
There are a few. My favourites are the changeling Twilights which thankfully are more numerable. I'm on my phone so I'll have to name them off the top of my head.
First and best IMO is "Mirror's Image"
Next is "Want me, Need me, Love me"
"Coronation" is promising.
"Changing Perspective"
"Changing"
"The Vampony Chronicals" has one part with changeling!maneSix. But I won't spoil it.
"Right" is short and sweet.
-placeholder while I find moar-
Here are some non mane six ones:
"Life, lies and love"
"Mendacity" is pure gold
"Scootaling"
Also this genre is no more common than alicorn!ManeSix.
1325777 HOLY, good to know... I might of tried that one day if I ever made it first.
I kinda wanna see a story where one of them is a changeling, but instead of embracing them in hug or something, it pulls out a silenced uzi and guns them all down before walking away.
1326524 Want Me, Need Me, Love Me, Mirror's Image, The Three Sisters, Changelings, Changelings Everywhere, even though it's more of a parody of these types of stories, Scootaling, and plenty of others. However, even though it is kind of overused, it doesn't stop these types of stories from being good, as some of the stories I mentioned came from my favorites list.
Actually I'm really interested in seeing that each of the Mane 6 go through the "I'm a changeling?!?!?!" process. If done right, they will each have fascinating reactions to this premiss.
1326595 Scootaloo isn't Mane 6, so that can't be used in your argument.
I can't remember the one where Bon-bon is a Changeling, but I think her Shae name was Mendax.
1326554 I think Alicorn Mane 6 is more common, and I should know, seeing that I made fun of it in a fic I wrote. I think Mendacity's the one with Bon-bon, right? Is that it? I can't remember.
1326565 The Rarity one that I can think of is the one I already named, but that one's actually a riddle in and of itself. The changeling had always been there, and actually was the Element that they represented. It wasn't Applejack, she couldn't have lied about being one. It wasn't Pinkie Pie nor Dash, though I can't remember the exact reasons, though I believe it was due to an extenuating circumstance. Twilight wasn't it just for the reason that the Princess would have known. Fluttershy couldn't be the changeling because the love she got from her animals was fairly small, if consistent. The changeling was Rarity, but it never named her in the fic. You had to find that out yourself.
Also, Scootabuse is for bitches. I prefer Applebeating.
Now this is intressting, Can't wait till the next chapter
1326717
Yep, and Chrysalis should go bite iron >:)
There's another like it too, but can't seem to find it among the ~29 pages of favourites I have. Basically it has stalker Twilight in it's sequel. Need I say moar?
EDIT: One of them's "Life, lies and love"
wanting moar!
Seems Interesting enough. Cant wait for the next chapter!
1326761 Yes, that's exactly what I said.
I had named 'Who we Are.'
I like this first chapter, it's a little short and not a lot of build up, so I presume things will get more intense and interesting as the story progresses, in short...
manscreed.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/im-listening.jpg
Whoo! FIRST
Actually, I think you could've dragged out Twilight being hostile a bit farther. It was pretty awesome when Twilight went overkill in The Seven Tribes.
1326317 And what explosion was that! I mean, dayum!
If you promise me such quality of... "explosions" then I will gladly read it!
For now adding to the to-read list.
Interesting.
Tracked, and waiting for more.
Hm... this is a very nice concept that i would like to see continue. But it needs a bit of work.
I knew lingering by this page for all eternity would eventually bear fruit!
This is intriguing.
Tracked because it's an interesting concept, but disliked because it lacks polish and needs work.
... Urg, just. Urg.
Most of that chapter was completely and utterly pointless. Gave no development to the plot or the characters in anyway. Pretty boring conversations about... things and well too fast. Come on, couldn't you have given us a bit more build up?
> Brothel in Los Pegasus made up of changelings
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9kom41kUJ1rso5ng.gif
1327234
Ditto. The concept, good. Everything else? SO, SO BAD!
Ever heard the phrase 'adult fear?' http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AdultFear Basically it's the things even as rational adults that can strike fear into us.
RD suddenly finding all her friends against her? Her identity being a lie? Unable to get the face back she recognizes her own? If not for Twilight's memory spell they'd have likely beaten her to death trying to wring out of her where the 'real' Rainbow Dash was.
1327340 I think I once saw a R34 comic with this idea. It wasn't very good but I always thought it would be a logical thing for changelings to do. Allow ponies to experience fantasies they couldn't normally (or legally), get love and money in exchange? Sounds like the perfect arrangement to me.
It's good, but there is one thing that I - personally - would REALLY like to see more of:
Detail. There isn't enough of it. I want to be able to see what Rainbow is seeing. I want to be able to feel Fluttershy's despair. I want to be able to hear the stern inflections of Twilight's voice.
Most of the story's dialogue is fine, but I think more detail would really draw the reader into the story more. I'm not talking Background Pony level of detail, but a bit more would do the story good.
Also, it doesn't mind that this is another Mane 6 as a changeling story, they're my personal favorite plot device, so whenever a new one come around, it's always worth a read!
Anyway, good job on the story, hope to see more of it!
WANT MORE!
un-freaking believable...so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ermagerd maherd