Elementary School, my dear Rarity
The scratch of chalk on blackboard echoed around the classroom. “Suspicion. Noun. A feeling or thought that something is possible, likely, or true.” Twilight took a step back and turned to face the classroom. The nub of chalk levitated in a purple aura. “It also has a second meaning.” She narrowed her eyes. “Cautious distrust. As in, feeling concerned that someone you know, someone you consider a good friend… could be responsible for something truly heinous.”
Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Big Mac each shared a look from the front row of desks. They shifted uncomfortably in their undersized seats. “We know what suspicion means,” Rarity said.
“That may be so,” Twilight said, nodding to herself, rubbing at the dark circles beneath her eyes. “But do you also know the meaning… of murder!”
Big Mac gasped and nearly toppled out of his seat. Rarity and Rainbow Dash just sighed. “Nobody was–“
“Murder!” Twilight declared again, louder, slamming her hooves down on Cheerilee’s desk to glower at the trio. The chalk jabbed out at each of them in turn. “Murder, I say! Murder! Murder most foul!”
“Twilight, you sound crazy. Did you get, like, any sleep last night?” Rainbow asked as she continued to try and fail to find a comfortable position. Eventually she settled for something less likely to give her a cramp and gave Twilight a flat stare.
“Yes,” Twilight declared, pushing back some of her frazzled hair.
“Pfft. Liar.”
“Be quiet! The only liar here is one of you – you murderer!” Twilight paused, then stomped her hoof again for emphasis.
“Nobody here is a murderer,” Rarity replied. “This is absurd.”
“That’s exactly what a murderer would say.”
Rainbow looked at Rarity. “Okay, I missed a couple steps here. Why is she screaming bloody–“
“Murderer!”
“Yeah, that.”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Because she–“
“Because I found the victims!” Twilight declared, earning another gasp from Big Mac.
“Because a couple of books from the library were damaged-“
“Murdered!”
“They’re books they can’t be murdered!” Rarity shouted back, tugging one of her arms free from the desk to point back at Twilight. After a moment she coughed and turned back to Rainbow. “Since then, she’s been leading a one mare crusade to find the culprit.”
“It’s not just a couple of books, Rarity. It was a whole pile of them! I discovered dozens of victims, all showing lethal levels of exposure. Most were so bad they couldn’t even be identified.” Twilight levitated over a cup of coffee and took a sip. “It’s taken a week of hard work. A week of working the evidence, leaning on suspects, and I’ve finally narrowed down the culprits to you three. It could be one of you. It could be all of you.” She narrowed her eyes, taking a long, messy slurp of coffee. “And I will find the truth, in this life or the next.”
“And why is she talking like…” Rainbow gestured at Twilight, “that?”
Rarity just tilted her head toward the corner of the room. A trash can could be glimpsed beneath a pile of spent coffee cups.
Twilight glared at them and took another defiant sip. “It helps me think.” Slurp. “And keeps me focused. On justice.”
There was the sound of creaking wood as Big Mac tried to lower himself down further into his seat, the desk straining to contain his bulk.
“And why are you doing your thinking here and not at the library?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Twilight scoffed. “I am not going to contaminate a crime scene while I bring the perpetrators to justice. For murder! Book murder! Burder!”
Slurp.
Rarity looked around the room. The posters on the wall listing the basics of the alphabet and giving pastel words of encouragement were hidden behind a mess of photographs, scraps of coffee-stained paper, and enough red string to make a large (and incredibly tacky) dress. A kitten hanging off a branch urging the reader to ‘Hang In There!’ was defaced with the words ‘Bribery? Extortion? Revenge?’ in messy black ink. She frowned when she noticed a few unflattering pictures of herself among the mess.
“So you just thought you would contaminate the school room instead.”
“School is out for the summer and Cherilee is visiting relatives in Manehattan,” Twilight said defensively, taking another sip.
“Meaning she wouldn’t yell at you for ruining her classroom.”
“That may have played into my equations, yes.” Slurp.
Rarity nodded. “Right. So, just to restate everything, you think one of us ruined-“
“Murdered!”
“Alright, yes, murdered your books. So you’ve gathered the three of us here so you could reveal which of us is the guilty party in a suitably dramatic fashion. Dark shadows, conspiracy board, the whole thing. You’re channeling Shadow Spade, and I can appreciate that. Truly, darling, I get it. But what made you think any one of us would be guilty in the first place?”
“Exactly!” Rainbow said. “I didn’t murder any of your books. Like, pfft, what, do you think I’m some kind of egghead? I’m not like, going to go around checking out books to learn how to do stuff.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “That would be lame.”
“And I would never damage a book,” Rarity added. “I am not some low-class simpleton. It’s simply uncouth.”
Big Mac whimpered and blushed.
“You’re right. You three have strong alibis. No real motive. A clean rap sheet.”
Rarity nodded. “Yes. Exactly. Which means-“
Twilight’s eyes narrowed. Slurp. “Too clean.”
“Oh for crying out loud,” Rarity said under her breath. “Big Mac, can you talk some sense into her?”
“Eeynope!”
“Also, you were the last three ponies to check out books from the library.” Twilight levitated a scroll out in front of her. She coughed. “But Spike spilled some coffee on the paperwork.” Unfurling it revealed a mess of brown and black, with only their names legible on the parchment.
“Is that what you meant by contaminating the crime scene?” Rarity asked.
“Look, I’m the one asking questions here,” Twilight replied, dropping the soggy scroll onto the desk. “I know one of you was the last pony to touch these books before they were murdered. So question one: which of you did it, huh?” Twilight’s horn burst into a ray of light she shined into each of their faces, moving down the line in turn. “Confess! Confess! Confess or I’ll…”
Rarity squinted. “You’ll do what, darling?”
“I’ll continue asking even more firmly. I’m empowered by the Princess to do so!”
“First off, no you’re not. Second, just… turn off that light. It’s giving me a headache.”
“Oh, sorry.” There was a click and the light vanished. “Better?”
“Yes. By a mile.”
“Good.” Twilight tossed her coffee cup toward the pile of discarded cardboard. It missed. “Now confess!” she shouted.
Rainbow Dash banged a hoof against the desk. “Okay, I bet I can prove I didn’t do it. Beyond a feasible doubt!”
“Reasonable,” Rarity whispered.
“Reasonable doubt!” Rainbow banged the desk again.
Twilight had resumed her pacing in front of the blackboard. “Alright, I’m listening.”
“What were the books that were dama- I mean, murdered? Like, what were their titles?”
Twilight paused long enough to levitate a clipboard in front of her. “Apple Farming In The Age Of Electricity, by Growing Shock. How To Pick Up Mares, by Creeping Daily. Strength And Competition: What Mares Really Like In A Partner, by Buff Himbo. And… six issues of Country Life magazine. And those were the only ones that could be identified. The others were mutilated beyond recognition. They’d been there a long time.”
Rarity snorted. “Right. Well, this has been a delight, but since you have your guilty party,” she said, casting a sidelong glance at Big Mac, the stallion doing his best to melt into the floor, “then I think it's about time that Rainbow Dash and I left. We wouldn’t want to intrude on what I imagine is going to be a totally normal and not very awkward conversation. Best of luck. Are you coming, Dash?”
“Uh…”
Rarity turned to look at the blushing Rainbow Dash, who was also sinking deep into her seat. “Oh. Oh no, sweetie,” Rarity said, her face softening. “Darling, you need to stop punishing yourself like this. What you two have, it’s not romantic. And you’re not made for a life on the farm. It’s not meant to be.”
“The heart wants what it can’t have,” Rainbow muttered back, inhaling sharply, and refusing to meet anypony’s eyes.
Twilight frowned. “Wait. Are you admitting to the murders?”
“No! I put those books back in the return box when I was done with them! I didn’t hurt anything!” Rainbow winced, her voice dropping to a whisper. “Except… my heart.”
Rarity let out a soft comforting hush and gave Rainbow’s shoulder a squeeze.
“Book return box? The library doesn’t have a book return box.”
The two mares turned to look at Twilight. “What? Yes you do. It’s the wooden thing right outside the front door of the library. It has a big slot in it.”
“Do you mean the trash can?”
“Eeynope,” said Big Mac, sitting back up in his chair – or doing his best, as it looked like one of his legs was caught up beneath it. He gave Rarity a steely nod.
Rarity leaned forward. “Twilight. I know you’ve only been in Ponyville a short while, but did the previous librarian leave you any, say, instructions, for when you arrived?”
“No. No, she didn’t leave… didn’t leave me anything,” Twilight said, the color draining from her face.
“So in all of that time, you’ve never gone to check the box in front of the library?” Rarity pressed.
Twilight licked her lips, trying to work some moisture into them. “Once.”
The ponies stared at one another. Reaching out a shaking hoof, Twilight pulled a chair closer as she sank into it. “No. Oh Celestia, no.”
Rarity stood up with as much grace as she could muster. Wiping her eyes, Rainbow Dash followed suit, followed a few moments later by a bruised and aching Big Mac.
“I thought… I thought you had to come in to return the b-books,” Twilight muttered, holding out her hooves in front of her as she stared at them with watery eyes. “Does… does this mean…”
“I’m afraid it does, darling. You broke the case. You found your murderer.” She leaned in to whisper in Twilight’s ear. “Was it worth it?” Turning on her hooves, Rarity strode out of the classroom, flanked on either side by her compatriots. The doors swung shut behind them, cutting off a howl of regret and shame they would never forget.
“Is Twilight gonna be okay?” Rainbow Dash asked. She glanced back over her shoulder. “Shouldn’t we like, stick around?”
“She’ll be fine,” Rarity said with a wave of her hoof. “She just needs some time alone to get it out of her system. She worked herself up into a bad place and, well, she isn’t going to benefit from having us gawking at her as she deals with the ramifications of all this nonsense.”
Big Mac nodded. “Eeyup.”
“Plus, she has been running on nothing but obsession and caffeine for a week now, and I don’t want to be anywhere near that crazy bitch when she crashes.”
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Wiser words were never spoken.
Ahh, yes. Really nice setups. RainbowMac is a new one to me. And the classic "curse word in the last line of the story" to seal the deal.
11337361
With all these being checked out by Rainbow, I think it was referring to the RainbowJack pairing
Judging by the way they handle Ahuizotl and the other Daring Do villain, murder apparently is legal in Equestria.
11337361
I think the twist implication was one-sided Appledash.
Could be wrong, though.
Poor books, murdered by the very one that loved them the most.
Poor Dash, suppose it explains why she's always competing with AJ.
Okay, that last line made me laugh.
11337403
11337449
Think I am just confused. Makes sense.
Truly Rarity is the most experienced of us all.
Stories like this are my favorites, the kind that could be seamlessly slipped into the show without anyone noticing. Well, except for the crazy bitch comment, but that's just cause of ratings. I could actually imagine this one playing out as an episode.
I absolutely loved this, hilarious!
Now we know how Rarity really feels.
"here is a murder,” Rarity"
"here is a murderer,” Rarity"?
Well, the humor was hurt for me somewhat by the degree to which I empathised with Twilight, but other than that, an unexpected bit of fun. :)
That was a good story.
When you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever remains no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
Ahh, another great read.Well done.
Now to work on Asylum...
"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."-Mark Twain.
It was a wonderful story with a fantastic punchline at the end.
11337331
I feel like there is an untold story there. She speaks from experience.
11337361
It’s my Planes Trains and Automobiles moment - worth the ratings tag for that single line!
11337403
What’s funny is that I did also want to make them fit Big Mac too. He is quite literally a red herring. Eh? Eh?
I’m not sorry.
11337521
Not murdered; Manslaughtered (Bookslaughtered?)!
Murder requires intent.
11339718
From what the old interwebs tells me, this instance of death would be considered involuntary manslaughter (bookslaughter?)
11339734
Precisely!
11337331
me but with methamphetamine
I love this!
my favorite line. The on justice punchline made me cackle
That one got me haahhaha
11337411
What does the M in MLP stand for? That's right - MURDER.
11337449
That was my intention, but I am very bad at romance, it has to be said.
11337521
We hurt those we care about the most.
11337566
She probably keeps borrowing AJ's library card too, just to have an excuse to visit.
11337585
Mission Accomplished
11337642
You can't spell Experience without... uh... Rarity?
11337716
Yeah, that last line was my Planes, Trains and Automobiles moment.
Worth it.
11337750
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!
11337879
I think Rarity is also a little upset that Twilight got to do the grizzled noir detective schtick before she did.
11337895
Dangit, I knew that was a typo, had someone point it out to me, and I still somehow failed to put in the correction when I uploaded the story. Every time, I swear!
11338075
Thank you!
11338089
I think I agree.
11338136
Eventually...
11338442
And that is an amazing quote!
11339718
Book Slaughter does hit differently than burder... Like, Book Slaughter sounds like an 80s cartoon villain that fights against our hero, who is trying to convince 5-9 year old children the value of reading.
11340024
I am so glad. I had too much time with Twilight and coffee, it must be said.
11340130
Victory is Derek's! I'm glad that line didn't end up feeling too out of place.
ah... book "murder". For $3.99 a day, you can save a confused Twilight by donating at the library today
11340942
She also accepts Starbucks gift cards, dark fedoras, and confessions.
Incredibly funny fic. Loved it. There were many good moments, my favorite is the running gag of Twilight slurping her coffee. The twist at the end was so simple and yet brilliant. Poor Twilight. All that blood on her hooves. I don't know how she'll ever be able to forgive herself. I wonder if she'll turn herself in for involuntary bookslaughter or try to cover it up?
The only thing I didn't really like was the AppleDash, but that's just because I'm not a shipper. I did think the joke with the book titles was really funny though.
11341694
Thanks!
I’m not much of a romance guy myself. But I did like the idea of a one sided crush - if just to sell the joke that it wasn’t Big Mac but Rainbow Dash. Misdirection is the name of my game… and I am on New Game+.
… that sounded better in my head.
11340130
Ha no it was the one line that sold the story perfectly
All of them were so patiently despite knowing it's nonsense
So hearing their true thoughts made that perfectly clear.
11340814
[nods]
Typos are sneaky.
Note to self: never play among us with Twilight. She would freak at the meetings.
This felt like an episode from the show lol great read!
Burder lol!
11355643
Agreed, with the exception for the last line. And the fact that the show almost never had Twilight do actual librarian work. Thank goodness for fanfiction.
A piece of advice: when you make stories like this, try to clarify in what period of time it is set because it is only at the end that one realizes that it would be located in the first season