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After the successful return of magic and reconstruction of her home, Sunny Starscout's life has become quite hectic, not to say adventurous.
This is why after coming home from a long and grueling day, she's dying to get a good night's sleep.
She instead has a religious experience.
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The concept is interesting (I assume you at least partly based it on the Mandela Catalogue) and Sunny and co. releasing something far more than they bargained for is a concept I quite enjoy, but I admit to me the high point of the story was actually the humor (namely the gag about Sprout.) Written jumpscares sadly don't really work and there is very little buildup or anything else that would make this story scary.
Written horror I believe comes mostly from consequences. The dread doesn't come from the character being dismembered, but rather the fact that they decided to investigate an obviously suspect sound, especially when all of their instincts say they really-really shouldn't. That, and of course the fear of the unknown. Though there is a whole lot I highly disagree with in way the story is written, WHITE does this concept very well by never spelling out that something is wrong, rather allowing the reader to realize that things have subtly changed.
But either way, I'm glad to see you post again.
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This fic was indeed written not long after I watched Mandela Catalogue, a series which managed to scare me, which is quite a rare occurance nowadays tbh.
It may not be the most polished, but I had a lot of fun writing it.
NOTHING IS WORTH THE RISK
NOTHING IS WORTH THE RISK
NOTHING IS WORTH THE RISK
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If you liked it, I also recommend checking out the Monument Mythos. It's a lot less in your face than Mandela, but I found it a lot more engaging as a work of horror, due to its clever implications and unpredictable twists.
Alternate infestation. Almost as bad as a roach infestation.
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Monument Mythos is also a great series, one that I'm also a fan of.
Personally, I preffer Mandela over Mythos due to the former's religious themes, but the latter was enjoyable nonetheless, even if it didn't scare me per se.
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uh oh, bad decision drake
literally just came out and it's on the front page lol
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I am inside your walls
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Fr? Doesn't pop up on mine
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Hooray, new friend!
:D
This seems kinda pointless. Sunny does an internal monologue about bringing magic back and Sprout and her friends and her accomplishments, then she goes to bed, and then a demon randomly shows up and kills her? What's the point of this?
Wow! This was, like, really good! Not just really good but exceptional especially how it was written. It’s left me asking so many questions though! I’m curious but I know I probably shouldn’t know the answer.
Complete? Dang.
I was hoping it was Twilight congratulating and rewarding her.
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https://i.imgur.com/6LfQDtc.png
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Kinda have to agree. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the writing a lot, but I do wish there was more of a through line to it.
I don't see it that way, but ok.
Oh come on, people, stop doing that. Using Faust as God was funny once and it was a decade ago (and it makes even less sense in G5).
Aside from that and one typo I saw ("responcible"), it's not bad. I'm perhaps a bit blase when it comes to horror given that I read and wrote quite a lot of it, but while I didn't see anything that would stand out in a bad way plot-wise, it didn't also have many stuff that'd make it stand out in a positive way (perhaps due to its length?). It's a solid story, but not much beyond that.
A little dissapointed at the end to be frank. The concept of Sunny misinterpreting her fathers teachings about Old Equestria into deifying Twilight is interesting, and I feel your ending would of had more bite if the "demon" really was Twilight or some representative of hers. The creature praising her before leaving would showcase that her faith is...misplaced? Incorrect? It would be more of an ACTUAL religious experience then "monster arrives and kills her"
Good work none the less though, I just feel the ending needs a tweak.
Isn't that an image of an Imposter from the Mandela Catalogue?
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Added a second chapter to serve as an ending, see if you like it.
Thanks for your comment and criticism, I'm trying to improve as a writer, and your comments are most helpful.
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Perhaps it's my own fault for stressing this enough, but whatever came after Sunny wasn't Twilight.
It copied her form form the painting in Sunny's when it appeared to her, albeit not able to copy it perfectly, hence the lack of wings.
I kind of thought of that fake Twilight as a Satanic figure trying to lead the ponykind astray via Sunny, hence why it appeared to her.
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Looking back, the inclusion of Faust was most certainly a bad desicion.
I'd say the only reason it appeared here was due to the fact that it's my second story set in G5, and I'm still getting 'the hang of it' so to speak.
Meh.
Not too bad. Definitely best you added another chapter, but my only nitpick is that I think it ended too soon. There's definitely more room for additional chapters and story, seeing her friends know something is up, and there's more that could be added. As it is though, a decent little horror story with an unsettling ending. Cliché concept, but nothing terrible or poorly written.
6/10
What is with some of your commenters being so harsh? Did you piss someone off?
Sorry to the story, I'm kind of dumb. I started the sequel without reading his so I had to come back.
Honestly that first chapter was pretty creepy. I liked the mood you got in it and it worked for me even though it was pretty short.
Going back now to read the sequel lol.