Note
Originally published under my alt
Longdesc
Though it hasn't been long since her coronation as Sovereign of Equestria, Princess Twilight Sparkle is already feeling the weight and stress of her new role. Luckily, she brought more than just books with her when she moved to Canterlot: she also brought along Ponyville's resident human. If only she weren't so anxious about what their new relationship means.
Tags
- Sex: Sex is talked about as a great thing that the characters do all the time, but no details are mentioned. There is lots of making out and cuddling and blushing, but that is as far as it goes in terms of physical actions.
- Fetish: There is a Sovereign-concubine relationship between the two characters, which is in-name-only but also deliberately played up for spiciness. There is also the aspect of cutie marking, which is the reason why I am definitely tagging this as Fetish.
Chapters (1)
Such a sweet cuddle-fic.
Not bad, I've certainly seen much worse, and wrote, worse first fics. Overall, the writing is nice in the beginning, it's a bit of a tangent but who doesn't like that every now and again. Most of the word count is dialogue, which is also good. This could have easily been another two-thousand words if you focused on building up the room's decor, but you showed some restraint. I can appreciate that considering how much I go on and on about setting.
Dialogue is also nice, not clunky or robotic and it has some genuine personality in it.
Now, for a bit of a critique. I think a lot of the negativity may stem from repetition. "The Human" appears around 50 times, and "Human" appears around 60 times. I feel like this story would work better if the woman had a name, you referred to her as "the royal concubine" every now and again to break it up, or if this story was Second Person. A lot of second person stories have a similar personality to this one. The one line,
felt very "human" to me, like something a person telling this story instead of reading it would say. Also, "You" allows for a wider amount of readers to put themselves in this character's position. The fact that the concubine is a woman doesn't add much to the story, especially since we never get her name. It's mainly a cuddle fest where there's only hints of a sexual love and relationship, but not any actual sex or sexy playfulness, like a wing stroke between the human's legs or a wandering hand that finds a special place on the alicorn. I'm not saying you have to make this sexy, I love cuddle fics, I'm just saying that you may want to consider how the human's physique and personality can play into the story.
Also, one final critique, the fetish tag isn't necessary. Sure, they talk a bit about domination and how Twilight's role as a princess is "hot", but that tag is usually reserved for stories with actual sex or kinks like bondage or those diaper-fetish fics. The sex tag kind-of gets a pass because they're talking about sex, but the fetish one doesn't need to be there. Some could argue that pony on human counts as fetish, but on this site, it's pretty much par for the course.
Overall, this was a nice story. If there was one thing I'd ask you to take away from this, it's to be happy with your own writing. This is a nice story, and leagues above some of the other failed attempts at first fics that liter this site. You don't have to do anything we've suggested, but I'd appreciate it if you considered our words. I really did enjoy this story, and I hope I can see you make even more wonderful stories in the future.
Wtf did I just read. It was still good somehow though.
10867217
Thanks for the very thoughtful critique! I do agree that the Fetish tag probably isn't "necessary", but I tend to err on the side of caution about such things.
I don't know why/how this has many dislikes. It looks fine to me, for a first story. Probably of ''waifu stealer'' but other than that, keep up the great work!
This story put so much into perspective for me.
Like what it can mean when a story has the same number of upvotes as downvotes, and how to take critiques.
I broke the perfect balance of upvotes and downvotes just because...for once I'm the reason we can't have nice things like that perfect balance of no more upvotes than downvotes, I guess.
Sorry I upvoted and broke it.
10867642
"Dandy Horse, please come to steal my waifu, and 'accidentally' let me catch you in the act."
"that I wasn’t asking really you for"
"that I wasn’t really asking you for"?
Also, if you don't mind me asking: why an alt, for this and the sequel? You don't have to answer, of course, but I'm curious.
Lovely!
10884503
oh since my main account is becoming more "prominent" i felt a bit odd about my very self-indulgent HiE fics appearing on ppl's feeds haha
11227882
Ah, righto; thanks for the answer!