King Sombra Hates Kinderquestria.

by Hotel_Chicken

Twas Kindness That Killed The Beast.

I am King Sombra, ruler of all Equestria…

“I’m not touching you~,” the orange coated mare below my throne mocked.

I survived the Elements of Harmony and woke up in another world so much like my own.

“King Sombra! Make her stop~,” the blue coated stallion next to the mare whined.

I easily conquered this world in a day, locked the Elements of Harmony in the dungeon, and have made the two alicorn sisters my playthings.

“I’m not touching you~,” the mare continued to jeer.

I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I have their throne, I’ve used Celestia and Luna as my toys and my stress relievers, and I’ve all but cemented my complete control.

“King Sombra! Please!”

I sighed as I buried my muzzle into my hooves, listening to the two nobles prattle on with Celestia and Luna sitting at the base of my throne, a collar around each of their necks to claim them as my property. There was a reason why this world was so easy to conquer, and it was driving me mad.

“I’m not touching—”

“Shut up!” I yelled, causing the two of them to wilt as their ears kissed their manes.

These ponies were stronger than their counterparts on my homeworld. They could survive the darkest of hexes and were immune to my carefully crafted spells which were designed to maim, kill, and control ponies. With that in mind, anypony would think that conquering such a world would be nearly impossible.

But, despite their strong bodies and immensely strong connections to Harmony, every single pony was apparently missing one vital thing.

A BUCKING SPINE!

I literally trotted through a river of tears to the throne, only using a few well-placed insults as my weapons when I had drained myself of magic trying to kill them. My spells still harmed them, but their simple cuts, bruises, and rug burns were nothing compared to the pile of corpses that should have littered my path.

“Guards! Take these two idiots to the dungeon!” I ordered, earning a worrying look from Flash Sentry, one of the few stallions that hadn’t burst into tears at a slight insult.

“Um, y-your majesty there’s uh… There’s no room in the dungeons.”

“Then execute them!” I demanded, stamping my hoof against the dais my throne rested on as Flash looked at the pair of bickering nobles.

Flash looked over at the duo for a moment before he turned back to face me. “What’s ‘execute’ mean again?”

“I already told you yesterday what it means! Put them in the guillotine I built and chop off their heads!”

“Oh, you mean the watermelon opener you invented? But they’re not fruits,” he pointed out.

I silently stared at the stallion as my eye began to twitch erratically. They… They used my guillotine, the one I made out of dragon scales, to cut fruit.

Just as their internal magic was stronger than anypony on my world, their bodies were also much more durable. Their golden armor was more of a decoration than anything practical, and I had to find something more suitable for the guillotine since other metals actually bent against their skin.

And they used it, my specially imported dragon scales, to chop fruit!?

Taking a deep breath, I attempted to reign in my growing anger as I glared at the stallion. “Put their heads in it,” I ordered through clenched teeth.

“Okay… Why?” Flash asked.

I physically felt the world itself go quite as his question hung in the air. My vision turned red, not out of anger, but because I was starting to bleed from my bucking eye. I barely even noticed it as I tried to make sense of the insanity around me. It felt like I was actually drowning in stupidity, I couldn’t even breath properly as my head began to swim.

“… I’m not touching you,” a quiet voice cut through the air.

“King Sombra!”

“Murder them!” I shouted at Flash, pointing a hoof at the ridiculous ponies that were squabbling at the base of my throne.

“Um… What’s mur—”

“Eviscerate them! Disembowel them and hang their intestines like wreathes on Hearths Warming! Throw them off of the highest cloud and watch them hit the ground! Encase them in concrete and throw them into the deepest lake you can find! I don’t care what you do! I want them dead!” I explicitly explained, causing half of the court room to faint at my rant.

“No, no, no, no! Flash! As your king, I order you not to—”

Buck me, the one semi-capable guard I had just hit the floor. Celestia and Luna were still conscious, along with my secretary and the two cowering nobles who had come to me with their annoying argument earlier.

Raven cleared her throat, causing my head to snap to her as she held up her clipboard like a shield. “My-my liege, w-we can’t do that. Nopony has ever been sentenced to… to.”

Faust damnit, could she not even say the word, “death”?! It’s not even that bad, it’s a basic fact of life!

“I don’t care, Raven! I want them dead, their bodies decorating my castle walls and their families dragged here by their manes!” I ordered as I pressed my pressed my muzzle against hers and glared into her eyes.

Tears quickly welled in her eyes as she fell into a fetal position and began to wail.

“Ohhh no, no, no, noooo, don’t cry, don’t cry! Sweet unmerciful me, stop crying!” I shouted.

Unsurprisingly, the mare refused to listen to my order and only cried louder. My heart began to race as my breathing became shallower. Crying, every day they were crying and complaining, every single day. Every single day. Every single day. Every single day.

"May-maybe we can come later and—”

“Oh, my Faust, I don’t care!” I yelled violently, summoning a blast of arcane energy that struck the stallion with the collective force of a hard shove.

“By her cursed bucking teats, why can’t you all shut up for five, bucking, minutes?! You are all the most infuriating, absolutely mind-numbingly moronic ponies I have ever had to meet! I don’t give a buck if she held her hoof close to you! I could care less about what she bucking said! In my world, stallions wouldn’t cry unless they were on their bucking death bed, you pathetic excuse of a pony!

“And you!” I suddenly said, pointing an accusatory hoof at the still sniveling secretary. “How dare you waste my time with these insistent and meaningless meetings! This isn’t the job of a royal, it’s a bucking foal sitter’s job! I’m not their parents, I’m not their foal sitter, I’m their bucking king! I’m allllll your bucking king!” I roared, turning my attention back to the cowering crowd of ponies.

“I’m not here to coddle you and kiss your bucking boo-boos! I’m your leader, your master, I control the entirety of Equestria! I have more important things to do that listen to your stupid squabbles and….”

… What happened? Why can’t I shout at them anymore? Why… why’s it harder to breath? Chest inside feel funny. Floor, fllor clos mems drwi.

---

Many ponies stared at the limp body of King Sombra, waiting for the tyrant to stand back up until a guard gently nudged the king’s head.

After a few experimental pokes, and a few urges to wake up, the guard turned to the collection of ponies and announced King Sombra’s demise.

“He’s dead.”

There was only a moment of silence for the dead stallion before the entire throne room erupted into cheers, with the exception of two alicorns sighing as they reclaimed their respective thrones.

“Yet another villain dying of stress. Tis a shame we could not play with him longer,” Luna groaned as she sat down. “For a moment, I truly thought he would actually outlive Discord.”

“I know, Lulu. But, at least we were able to take a small vacation. And, the sex was alright too,” Celestia consoled.

“Oh yes. And you were right, sister, we did need a break from their constant moaning. For once, it was fun being the whining little mare instead of the mare who listens to others cry. Still, it’s sad that there won’t be another like him anytime soon, and it will be much longer until we get another vacation.”

“Aw, cheer up. Guillotine watermelon?” She offered, summoning up the sliced fruit with a simple spell.

“Oh, yes please!”

And so, Equestria would prosper under the guide of kindness with the Royal Sisters as their leaders. Many stories would spawn from the mean king’s demise. Some say his heart grew three sizes that day, before it promptly exploded inside his chest. Other’s would say that it was his conscience that killed him when his brain stopped working.

The story would always end the same though. And the moral of this story? Keep calm and be nice to others, and don’t be a meanie with a crown.

Comments

[Bigwig6666]

He died of stress? Not gonna lie Sombra keeling over due to stress was pretty funny

[Silver Starlight]

Finally someone recognizes the killing power of sheer irritation! Incredible.

[Alondro]

This is the goal of all Internet trolls...

[karnazom]

This is a certified KEK moment

[KKSlider]

Yeah, I had a hunch that it was sex when Sombra said he used them as toys.

And it turns out this Celestia is basically Molestia! Her sister and her, trapped in this world of theirs, contained by the sheer infancy of the world's population.

[OneLonelyPickle]

So that was... something.

I had no idea what was going on and I didn't find it funny. But it was something!

[NanoMouse]

Yep, I figured that I'd see it in the Featured box from the moment I first saw it in the New box.

[Twilight sparkle565]

This story was so funny king sombra get killed by stress and it was totally worth it

[Green223]

I honestly thought that they wouldn't know what sex was when they can't even fathom death.

[iAmSiNnEr]

it was his conscious

Is this supposed to be conscience?

[Hotel_Chicken]

10850230
Thanks!

[evilpoptarts]

This got an amused chuckle from me. Very good.

[fanreader999999]

Keep calm and carry on.

[mrkillwolf666]

I have no idea what is "kinderquestria" can someone tell me what it is?

[Hotel_Chicken]

10850733
Equestria but where every pony acts like a child. It’s pretty much an even more sugarcoated version of the show, where a person could get jail time for using a few swears or shouting loudly. Just imagine everyone as being overly childish.

[Depressed_Tea]

The story would always end the same though. And the moral of this story? Keep calm and be nice to others, and don’t be a meanie with a crown.

Pinkie wrote this.

[mrkillwolf666]

10850744
wow lol

[dragenfire68]

10850191

Pretty sure they were doing that on purpose.

[AdmiralTigerclaw]

10850744
I want to kill it.

I'm not even Evil, and I want to kill it.

With fire.

NUCLEAR... fire.

[Huk]

Original and funny I feel for poor old Sombra, though. The life of a villain is tough .

[StraightToThePointStudio]

My goodness, this hit great in terms of humor and enjoyment all the way up there and beyond! This is one heck of a ride that I certainly never expected but love all the same! I hope ya didn't mind, but I couldn't resist making a reading of this fic of yours!

Audio Linky!: https://youtu.be/rCrFxjfhkZI

(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)

[Kichi]

Maybe they could try with Cozy Glow or Queen Chrysalis? One is already a foal and the other is a Queen of bugs and could have adapted to whinny children. Maybe they last longer.

[MidnightFMare]

Their golden armor was more of a decoration than anything practical

How's that different from the baseline?

[HUSKYBOI]

I imagined Sombra's voice as Mojo Jojo from the Powerpuff Girls the first time I read this.

[Azure Drache]

That was a nice humourous read, good work!

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