• Member Since 19th Feb, 2012
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A Pole by birth, a Lawgiver by trade and a Trickster by choice. Altogether a most friendly, sociopathic madman. At your service...


This story is a sequel to Your Money or Your Wife

The position of the Imperial Tax Collector has since always been crucial to the well-being of the Crystal Empire. Legal Basis, having secured it through the unorthodox means of mugging Princess Cadance, revolutionized the system of duties, tariffs and necessary extortion of funds through his experience in the field of brigandage.

Even during the romantically consumptive time like Hearts and Hooves Day, work continues as always and one cannot care one bit for the Cupid’s arrow.

... but what about a club?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 75 )

I have long awaited the return of this spectacular series of shorts, and here I find it, unsuspecting and out of nowhere. I am ready


Believe me when I say that I, as well, awaited this return. :twilightblush:

I'm sure this is all part of the great Master Plan of princess Cadance :rainbowlaugh:


How "intriguing". :raritywink:

After thoroughly reading and rereading this story an unconfirmable amount of times, I can say that it does indeed meet and exceed my every expectation. Well done to this, and I simply can not wait for your next work


Haha! Right into the spirit of things! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

I was just mentioning the series of stories to a friend recently. What a coincidence if I do say so
still a great transaction.


How fortunate then, that I could provide just in time! :twilightsmile:

Having read the work of fictional, hereafter to be referred to as the “work”, documented above I shall now commence on a briefly expounding on my personal perspective concerning said work. The work suffered from no technical imperfections or they were infrequent enough that I, in my literary investment, was not made aware of them. The work maintained a pleasant adherence to previously laid down thematic elements, whilst also introducing new content in such a way as to not be redundant. As a result of this work’s excellence I shall fulfill in my end of the implied contractual obligation of this website by applying a like in the appropriate area.

Ah he's back. How gratifying.

Guess who's back back again Legal's back tell a friend :yay::rainbowkiss::pinkiehappy::twilightsmile::ajsmug::raritywink:

This was six thousand words of legalese flirting. Cadence was very likely elated and appalled in equal measures :rainbowlaugh:

Bravo sir, bravo!

Rather unflappable this one.


The party claiming authorship, designated by the term: "writer" shows genuine appreciation for the generous evaluation of skills and craft by the means of a circumscribed sign of gratitude: :twilightsmile: denoting an expression classified as a "smile". The writer expresses hope that further offered works of literary ability shall be to the other party's contentment.


I could say the same thing. Happy to be of service. :twilightsheepish:


Feel free to, yes. I'm glad to have him back as well. :pinkiesmile:


Thank you, thank you, for once my own proficiency proves useful. :raritywink:


As cold as a mortgage deal. :trollestia:

assaulting a brawny minotaur and two hawkers that happened to have been twins.

I see what transpired here.

Dear Faust, not only are there two of them, but they're almost certainly going to reproduce. If they haven't started already.

And I don't mean contracts in duplicate.

The only couple that would likely send out an one hundred page document requesting RSVP.


Could you be absolutely certain consent was not given in written form? :raritywink:


A couple that litigates together, stays together. :twilightsmile:


It appears given the evidence that consent was given verbally, repeatedly, and at times with obvious intent and with the invocation of royalty (appropriate, given the Equestrian member of the contract) to the turn of "Oh Celestia, do that again!" Followed by "Yes, yes, yes!" . (Others were less distinct due to biting a pillow.). Certainly enough times to stand up in court.

And everyone knows that marriage licenses are in triplicate, anyway.


:shhh: Don't ruin the purity of their dealings with uncouth, passionate declarations. :rainbowlaugh:

I find it extremly amusing that Legal Basis was, and probably still is, willing to accept that bushes not only are capable of sentience and polite ineractions, but also banditry.

Also, so this is how lawyers are made.

I wonder if future Twilight will eventually hire a young, polite, legally based stallion/mare after his/her first practice in the occupation of brigandry.


... congratulations, you just inspired me for the sequel! :rainbowlaugh:

Ok... I'm like, 90% sure they spent the evening filing the forms necessary to start a business, 9% sure it was a nonprofit, 2% sure that I've suffered paper-related trauma, 100% sure this was adorably weird, and a further 100% sure that I'm about to be audited.


"Your money or your life, unless of course, you'd like a wife."

(In which case, you give her both.)


Oh, you're getting audited, alright. Your percentages are off! :pinkiehappy:


Were it only so simple! :twilightsheepish:

I will consider this one of my greatest achievements! :rainbowlaugh:


Come now, I know your works, you can aim higher than that, surely. :pinkiehappy:

I want to shoot myself.

I have been on Fanfiction, to Wattpad to Archive of our Own, I have seen the depths of hell and braved the worst written pieces the most undeveloped of minds have concocted in wheat-addled feverdreams.

I have waded through the muck and dived through the depths, been swallowed by the great whale and spat back out into the endless abyss of filth.

But never, never in all my years have I ever read something as frustrating as this.

The sheer level of empty words and cyclic language makes the entire piece a chore to read and frankly I'm genuinely impressed at the mental fortitude it takes to write this trite, much less read it.

You sir, go into the special pile, for if politics were a person, it would be this entire..... thing

-7/10 Please shoot me in the head, it hurts so much.


Haha! My friend, that is one heck of an examination!

If it's not your thing, I completely understand it. It is a certain type of comedy and there are as many tastes as there are people. Nevertheless, I want to thank you for your time and effort to go through it. And I thank you for the comment and adding this to one of your library folders. I'll take the consolation prize of the heat that it generates for the tale. :twilightsmile:

I don't accept this. The OTP is Legal Basis x Chrysalis, and nobody can tell me otherwise.


The fact that there even would be an OTP for Legal Basis is hilarious to me! :rainbowlaugh:

Didn't you notice the raw sensual energy between the two as you wrote it? Chryssy had several salacious thoughts (of how evil and cunning and competent Legal is), revelations about her place in the world, a good hearty laugh and she threw off her coverings for him.
And then it all ended when he clobbered her with his hefty truncheon.

See, this is a kind of masterpiece.

I will admit this is magnificent.

But to me, this specific kind of magnificence is blinding to the point at which it liquifies my eyeballs.


(...) and she threw off her coverings for him.

Oof, stop it, my clause can only get so strict.

I do acknowledge your point... maybe there is an idea here to explore at some point. :raritywink:


"She Blinded Me With Legalism".

To each their own. :twilightsmile:

I dunno Legal and Politesse come across as a little too identical in personality for me. Half the fun of a relationship is learning to appreciate each other's differences.

The household thus created is one that would bid its visitors to sign, in triplicate, each sheet of toilet paper, before use.

Well, I just read a story about a robbery turned romance written in excessive legalese. If someone told me before this that my favourite romance story on the site would look like this, I would not have believed them.


find it extremly amusing that Legal Basis was, and probably still is, willing to accept that bushes not only are capable of sentience and polite ineractions, but also banditry.

Well, yes this is Equestria after all (though they preferred to be called "money trees").


Don't ruin the purity of their dealings with uncouth, passionate declarations.

Just wait until they start filling out form 27B/6 together!


I think I need a cold shower and a lie-down after that.


I'd say that there are different relationships. I think they both find a certain comfort in the conduct predictability of themselves. :twilightsmile:


Proper deportment is critical in matters friendly. :scootangel:


Hah! Thank you so much, I shall take it for a great praise! Warms my lawyer's heart. :pinkiehappy:


Authorization of repairs of domestic living quarters is all fine and dandy, but there's nothing more sensual and perverse in life than applying for tax exemptions, no? :raritywink:

I loved this story and am a little disappointed we didn’t get to see the reaction of shining and cadence to Legal not only finding a romantic partner but also finding someone who is a kindred soul to himself. Also I fear for what the progeny of such a couple would be like and so should the crystal empire...
Regardless, it was heartwarming!


Oh, trust me, they felt it. It was like a disturbance in the Force, surely! :rainbowlaugh:

Glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

I confess my only disappointment is that this meeting of soulmates was not somehow arranged by Cadance.

Excellent work!


I need to leave something to conjecture. :raritywink:

Thank you very much.

This reads like something that Terry Pratchett would write. I couldn’t stop snickering.

If you had told me three years ago that I would one day read and enjoy a story of legalese flirting between two equine clandestine brigands, I would have laughed and asked what you were smoking. Now, all I ask for is fanart and sequels.

I can only imagine Legal Basis meeting Idol Hooves. It would truly be an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object!

High praise, not entirely inaccurate in my assessment. Does go on a bit long, imho. Pratchett ravels out (raveled out I suppose) jokes for quite awhile but generally ended them before they wore out their welcome. This, I'm afraid, lingers just a touch too long. Still, cut out about 10% (a good tax rate that) and you'd have it. Still high praise.

...I'm half doing the cadence (ha!) now, aren't I?


Wow, I'm honored to be compared like so. Thank you so much! :twilightsmile:


Hah! Alright, I'm down with that. At least, when it comes to sequels! :pinkiehappy:


That would be a most interesting occurrence to end a universe, indeed. :trollestia:


Are you sure you're not trying to find a needle in a haystack here? :raritywink:

Sturdy, easy to maintain and produces a harmonic tone when making contact with the skull,”

I was trying to imagine this line spoken in an unnaturally (for the situation) friendly, pleasant voice, and it took me a few tries to get a satisfactory one.

“You are most gracious, ma’am. I believe we both relish a good bump in the night,” he replied, checking the weapon’s thickness.

That they did.

But, if I might be so daring, could I ask for your name first, before I reveal my pitch?”
“Certainly. It is Politesse.”

Naturally, with decorum like that.

That was wonderful! I eagerly await the (hopefully inevitable) next installment of this series! :yay:

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