Of Hearts and Clubs
The Jewelpond was, objectively speaking, a charming place. A spotlessly clean lake, surrounded by a well-maintained municipal park. No one of right mind could deny any of those appealing facets. It was resting comfortably in the shade of the Crystal Palace, geometrically sound and not even eight minutes of trotting from the main entrance to the complex. Seven minutes thirty eight seconds, to be exact. And yet, it was a place as accessible as remote, with only a hoofful of ponies making visiting it a part of their daily schedule. An irony escaping the laws of rationality.
Still, it was an acceptable inconvenience to handle, that exception. When searching for a moment of necessary respite after a day full of calculations, double-checking, shakedowns and passing administrative decisions, Jewelpond did its part for the society and its devoted servants with loyalty, pride and, some would scandalously gossip, silent eagerness.
Still a place to definitely admire and appreciate, as Legal Basis surely did.
He was neatly sitting on a pristine bench of crystal, right by a trimmed bush.
His neck was straight, the pew was polished, the shrubbery was tamed into a shape of a globe.
Proper peace, undisputed quiet, delightful order.
Yes, Jewelpond did nicely. And maintaining it was not a drain on the Empire’s finances, which was most important. Had it been any different, Legal Basis would have been the first to contact a number of real-estate developers. The kind that would be ready to pawn their own grandmothers for an opportunity to build a villa or an apartment complex so close to the Palace.
Fortunately for the supporters of the greener side of life as well as the elderly mares of varying financial worth, the park definitely offered much methodical and economical respite and joy.
Away from the chaos of pony life. Especially that date, none else than the Hearts and Hooves Day, coming swiftly to its Hearts and Hooves Eve.
An interesting jubilee it was, for certain, Legal Basis had to admit. There were ponies absolutely everywhere, wishing to express their affections through lavish gifts and lavish services. Overpriced and provided by opportunistic entrepreneurs, of course. And to celebrate something as tax-exempt as love. One of the most, it had to be said, convoluted ways of filling the Crystal Empire’s coffers to the brim, he considered. There were many other, far more efficient and less maudlin ways to do just that.
Still, Legal Basis was not going to oppose if ponies wished to show in their own, habitually manic, way the affection for their country and its administration. It was affection aplenty, after all. And, though he preferred to avoid the clamor and the crowds, he had nothing against the celebrations themselves. Money did not stink, even if tinted pink. Just like all the hustle and bustle and rustle around on that particular day.
However, speaking of rustling, the immaculately trimmed bush to his side had apparently decided to strike up a conversation.
“Your money or your life.”
A quite ruthless bush, some would judge, but its tone was practiced and clear. Commendable.
Legal Basis turned his head but a little, scanning the leafage with his cobalt eyes. “Congratulations on the clarity of the classic formula. Remarkable enunciation,” he praised the flora. After all, if a shrub could deliver the declaration so prominently, did it matter that it should not have been able to talk in the first place?
“Thank you, sir. It is a high praise to receive, coming from the Imperial Tax Collector himself,” the bush responded in a feminine tone and in genuine, plant life gratitude. And knowledge of Imperial officials, which was a marked achievement.
“Think nothing of it. Professional inauguration of any proceedings speaks volumes and deserves every ounce of praise,” Legal Basis assured with absolute honesty.
“Quite so,” the scrub agreed, proving it was anything but. “And I shall allow myself to hope that, considering the rumors and, as far as I can tell, the ongoing proof of you being a stallion of efficiency and capability, the conduct shall be carried on without unnecessary delays, especially ones that would warrant the usage of force which has already been implicated.”
Legal Basis smiled just a little. The bush was presuming a little too much, but that was quite alright. It was natural for it to be at least a little green, no?
“Implicated, though not verified, as I have to point out. To react accordingly to the antecedent implication I have to be able to first make a distinction whether the threat aimed my way currently is ‘empty’ or could be considered ‘true’,” he clarified his argument. “Might I require a more visible demonstration of capability of inflicting bodily harm?”
“Naturally, sir.”
The leaves parted and the illusion of criminally inclined flora was shattered. However, it wasn’t an entirely unpleasant realization.
A pony silhouette stepped out from the bush, indeed. Lacking natural camouflage of any sorts, it nevertheless possessed a hue and texture the quality of peridot and nephrite, which made hiding in greenery that much easier for a crystal pony. Aside from that, an elegant shawl of charcoal hue hid facial details and a prudent gown covered the cutie mark.
Two defining features remained – the moonstone mane, neatly combed and pinned, as well as a pair of dolomite eyes with traces of cinnabar markings through the irises. Those were not enough to betray an identity directly, though were sadly, as it had been pointed out in Legal Basis’ own inner narration, defining.
A confined brigand’s nitpicking aside, he was dealing with a fellow hoofpad and a mare. Past work hours too, so he did rise from the bench and nod in a polite greeting.
“A pleasure. I have to say, ma’am, yours have been a laudable performance so far. I realize that I am dealing with a lady of both natural talent and experience,” he pointed out with a kind smile. “Effective uniform for the task as well, and yet retaining a noble quality to it, possibly even allowing hiding in plain sight among the evening crowds without the necessity of a quick change.”
The assailant’s reply was courtly, her voice even clearer now and definitely melodious in an engaging way. “Thank you, sir, you are being far too kind. It should be pointed out that I posses a variety of other outfits for the job, though I see no merit in choosing a garb that hides too much. I find mobility as important in the banditry line of work as anonymity, and anonymity as vital as style and manner. A certain tact and complaisance between the three does wonders.”
Legal Basis allowed himself to maintain the smile, hearing that. “Of course, quite understandable and logical, ma’am. Finding a way to be practical and look comely in our field is a welcomed approach.”
“Why, thank you, sir, I am happy to hear you approve,” the mare replied in what sounded like genuine joy. “Now, I believe there is business to attend to. Your money or your life.”
“Naturally. However,” he found it prudent to offer a reminder to her, “I would continue to insist on the presentation of any carried or secreted weaponry, armaments, ordnance and corresponding munitions et cetera, et cetera... before we proceed any further. I take it we both would agree that without verifying the quality of the threat, this exchange quickly turns moot.”
“I concur, sir. And, certainly, I am happy to oblige,” came another most elegant reply, which made Legal Basis’ expression that much more amiable.
It especially did not falter due to the revealing of a polished club. Quite the opposite, as it was an admirable truncheon of dark wood, comfortably attached to the mare’s right foreleg by the means of a choice and stylized strap for greater control and hold.
Legal Basis squinted, examining the blackjack with his eye of a former and current expert. “The hue is rather pleasing, not to mention matching the ensemble, exemplary. Walnut, I presume?”
“Northern Equestrian kind, indeed. Sturdy, easy to maintain and produces a harmonic tone when making contact with the skull,” the assailant readily explained, her eyes betraying a petite smile that must have appeared behind the shawl.
“How compelling. I take it the pitch makes losing consciousness far less unpleasant for the victims?”
“You would be correct, sir. I find that it adds a certain refinement to the assault. Sadly,” the mare admitted with a small shrug, “sending questionnaires after the robbery causes a selection of issues, so I cannot base my statement on a respectable cohort.”
She admitted that with a bit of a wistful look to her charming eyes and Legal Basis did understand. Both the notion and that sadness. Lack of proper evaluation was definitely a letdown to anypony taking their work seriously.
“That might be so, ma’am, although I will take a calculated risk and trust your statement even without evidence. The very thought of providing a victim with a more pleasant form of bodily harm is noble. And down to such details?” he praised her sincerely.
Receiving another spark in her bright eyes. One that he began rather enjoying.
He reached out with his hoof. “Might I inspect the weapon more closely, by any chance? I wonder how it feels in the hoof.”
“Quite naturally, sir, on two conditions,” the she-brigand did reply.
“I would not expect otherwise, ma’am. Please, state them for my evaluation.”
“You, sir, as the threatened party, shall not utilize mine, the demanding party’s, armament in any other fashion than inspection. Revenge, assault and battery as a form of self-defense, mutual threat, or any other permutation of taking advantage of my desired transparency is out of the question,” the mare recited, looking straight into his cobalt eyes. “I do not believe I need to make you aware, sir, that such an action would be uncouth and disheartening, considering your remarkable performance thus far. And, might I warn and make clear, irrelevant considering my level of preparedness.”
Legal Basis found himself smiling a little bit more. “I wouldn’t dream of being so coarse, ma’am. We are currently partaking in a quite clear scenario of an assault, mine is not the prerogative to strike back, even if I do possess the skill and training, myself having a highwaypony background. That being said,” he added with a small chuckle even, “had I managed to spot your presence in the bush earlier, I would have little to no scruples when it comes to a role-reversal. I have every ounce of certainty, born out of both impulse and observation, that you could play the role of a victim with marvelous professionalism.”
“That is refreshing to hear, sir, and very courteous of you,” the mare’s warm response was. “I wish to assure you that you would be very correct, as I have researched the nuances of the noble art of brigandage down to the details of victim behavior. And, I shall be daring enough to say, I would be honored to be the target of the famed highwaypony turned Imperial Tax Collector.”
“Please, ma’am, you humble me,” Legal Basis let her know, granting her a small bow, “I am the one honored to have spoken true of your capabilities.”
Her abashed giggle was even more melodious than her stern voice presenting conditions, which was quite remarkable. He had to doubly focus when she continued. Continued translucently, by virtue of her race and mental capacity, as he was rapidly learning.
“Second stipulation, for the sake of maintaining the coherency of the ongoing assault, would be for me to repeat the necessary formula before passing the weapon. Your money or your life.”
“I consider myself reminded, naturally. Such wonderful prudence. May I now?” Legal Basis asked politely, reaching out for the weapon...
“Of course, sir.”
... which his attacker passed to him, having undone the strap with a practiced move.
Less practiced was for their hooves to touch for a split second.
“I do beg your pardon, ma’am,” Legal Basis immediately reacted to that, with a tone most polite. “That definitely was not an intentional physical contact, especially not one with hostile intent,” he assured.
“No harm has been done, sir,” the mare replied and the hidden smile was somehow even more blatant from behind the shawl. “I believe an actual physical act from a professional like you to be far more deliberate and calculated. Besides, I trust you not to break the conditions that had heretofore been stated.”
“Never, ma’am. My word stands,” Legal Basis confirmed as such, weighing the club with interest.
He turned to his side to have safe space and swung down, then horizontally, then twirled the weapon a couple of times, finally leaving it rotating for a while on the very tip of his hoof. It was like a cog in a grand machine, it maintained its place without any issues, always ready to do its part and more.
“The balance is striking, if I can be pardoned the pun.”
“Nothing to pardon, I find it pleasingly whimsical,” the mare responded as her faceted eyes gleamed at the sight. “I suppose the same adjective could be used to describe your proficiency, sir. I imagine it being nothing less than thrilling to be on the receiving end of your skills.”
“You are most gracious, ma’am. I believe we both relish a good bump in the night,” he replied, checking the weapon’s thickness. “A wonderful choice, doubtlessly. I can safely say that a strike from this truncheon would be most efficient, if not even potentially lethal.”
“Do you mean whilst striking against vertebrae or the trachea, sir?”
Legal Basis shook his head, showing his white teeth in a grin that was almost unbecoming of a professional. “Ma’am, I hope you don’t take me for somepony who would judge a weapon’s capabilities with a suggestion to target something as vulnerable as the windpipe, that would be most nescient. Especially considering your solid and sound choice here.”
“Thank you again, sir, your words are very kind,” the mare replied, solidly and soundly pleased. “Still, I do make sure the application of force is adequate. I think we can both agree that battery with a fatal effect is both unprofessional and resulting in a rather causeless amount of paperwork for everypony affected. And paperwork must have a purpose.”
Legal Basis couldn’t oppose at all, on the contrary. It was one thing to draft convoluted contracts used to maybe one day professionally betray somepony and another to have to fulfill numerous condolence messages because social norms dictated pretending to be mournful was in some way courteous.
Not to mention ponyslaughter was, as his assailant had accurately pointed out, rather amateurish.
“I wholeheartedly agree, ma’am. As a pony fully appreciating the red tape in abundance I would never agree for it to be squandered in any way.” He tossed the club in the air, where it made a perfect somersault, and then caught it proficiently by its thicker side, ready to give it back to the mare. “Congratulations, ma’am, your threat has been deemed ‘true’. Though, I have to say, I had no doubts it would be so.”
“Thank you, sir, for your cordiality.”
Their hooves touched yet again when the weapon was reunited with its rightful owner.
Legal Basis shook his head. “Once more, ma’am, I do beg your pardon. How clumsy of me.”
“And, once more, no harm has been done, sir,” she replied without delay, her voice itself filled with some cordiality. “Some would say that such occurrences seem topical on an evening such as this.”
“I acknowledge the point, ma’am, Hearts and Hooves Day does make such happenings thematic,” he concurred, as it was logical.
“Not to mention they are not entirely unpleasant,” she added afterwards.
As a test. He knew it. And he was not going to disappoint her.
“Ma’am, I would rather not mix shallow, communal amusements and even delightful, repeated, cliché happenstances with a prim and proper robbery, especially one conducted by a true professional.”
The highwaymare nodded gracefully. She moved a strand of mane away from her forehead as her eyes shone once again.
“Very honorable, sir. It is fortifying to encounter a broad and yet focused mind. It is definitely a joy to be your assailant this eve.”
Legal Basis waved his hoof. “Please, ma’am, that is simply too kind of you, think nothing of it. The proceedings can continue unabated. My genuine appreciation for your expertise shall not affect them in any way. You can consider me sufficiently threatened by the possibility of bodily harm.”
“Pleased to hear that, sir. As such - your money or your life,” the mare repeated the formula once more, with definitely a warm tone to it.
Legal Basis was delighted to hear it... though an issue did exist that he had to make transparent. Any robber showing so much integrity deserved that much.
“Ma’am, I must and simultaneously regret to inform firstly, that I do not carry around any sums of money that I feel would be sufficient to become an equivalent of my life. It is a deliberate choice, though one working somewhat against me at the moment, insomuch that I shall not be able to take advantage of the option designated by the expression: ‘your money’.”
The mare nodded thoughtfully, weighing the club in her hoof. As expected and positively befitting. Her readiness was more than comely.
“Considering your position, sir, I understand the choice. And I also understand and very much appreciate you being forthcoming. Though, if it pleases and assures you, any possessions on your person could be quickly evaluated, to make it absolutely sure that your point is valid,” she replied, hitting the club a bit harder against her hoof. “Having in mind the inspection you have performed, I am certain you would not prefer an imposed decision upon you, not to mention one based on an erroneous belief.”
“It would be interesting to examine personally the claim about the musical accordance between your walnut weapon and my skull, though perhaps in other circumstances,” Legal Basis responded and furrowed his brow a little. But his smile stood tall. “I shall allow myself to ask – I take it that you are considered an expert witness then, ma’am? You are, perhaps, a minter by virtue of education? Jeweler? Antique dealer?”
The mare giggled once more, which was growing further into a quite pleasant thing to experience. “A bit of this and a bit of that, sir, but you are quite right. I have acted the aforementioned role of an expert witness in a number of cases throughout my career outside of the criminal field. Real estate appraisal as well as valuations of movable, tangible property happen to be within my choice qualifications.”
“Quite remarkable, ma’am,” Legal Basis admitted, then rubbed his chin. “Do you believe you could evaluate grandmothers?”
“For the sake of life annuity or mortgage pensions?”
“Pawning, actually. So that an offer in a public tender would be successfully picked.”
“Sounds straightforward enough,” she judged, genuinely intrigued. “Why do you ask, sir?”
“Possible building investment for the Crystal Empire, but we can get back to that later, ma’am,” Legal Basis gave the response, shaking his head. “At any rate, I do have another question.”
“Ask away, sir, please.”
“As you might imagine, ma’am, I happen to be closely familiar with the contents of the list of expert witnesses available for calling in at the behest of the Imperial courts and offices. And whilst I am missing your name, I cannot quite recall from memory a specialist that would resemble your unique look, ma’am. Can I be certain that you are truly an expert witness and one actively performing their duties?”
She turned again to her most charming giggle. “Most astute of you to impugn my statements, sir. I rush to explain, however. First of all, I am not a changeling, utilizing a disguise. I have heard enough rumors about you dealing with their kind anyway, approaching you whilst being one would be quite a misbegotten idea.”
Legal Basis chuckled. “I am hardly prejudiced against a whole race, ma’am, but I understand what you are referring to. Thank you for covering that possibility.”
“My honest pleasure, sir. Secondly,” she enunciated, “for the sake of keeping a healthy distance, both physical and legal, between being present in any local files and practicing my unofficial craft, I have decided to enlist as an expert witness for the courts of the cities of Baltimare and Fillydelphia, rather than the Crystal Empire.”
“I see.”
The mare looked at him askance just a little. “I could present the necessary credentials, I have all the certificates in my bag, hidden in the bush.”
A little of that disapproval was too much already, so Legal Basis quickly offered a small bow. “Absolutely no need, ma’am, I should have expected nothing but credence from an assailant such as you. I am very sorry for the moment of fatuousness and I do hope that I have not insulted you in any way.”
“No, sir, have no fear. The inquiry was only natural from a shrewd mind like yours, sir. And I find your self-criticism in the face of a possible blunder rather engaging,” the mare assured him and her eyes again shone with warmth and joy. Especially when the setting sun started to highlight them and their faceted nature, making the cinnabar-like specks in them playfully glimmer.
Legal Basis, faced with such a vision, kept his tone that much more definite and composed. “Please, ma’am, it’s fundamental to be able to conduct reviews of one’s own bearing, that is nothing special. An ability that every pony should possess, alongside necessary professionalism and adherence to a strict personal code of conduct.”
Which, surprisingly, caused the mare to sigh, her gaze losing some of the brilliance of dusk. “If only, sir, if only. I suppose were it so, one would not need to operate slightly beyond the boundaries of law to fulfill their tasks for the society.”
Legal Basis nodded profoundly. “Unpleasantly true, ma’am, I can confirm that from personal experience. I take it that you have endured certain events in the past in regards to that?”
“As it happens,” she admitted, looking to the side for a moment.
“Allow me to encourage you then, ma’am. Though disturbingly random, good things can happen out of even such predicaments.”
Their gazes met again and almost a memorandum of understanding was entered by the two of them through that sheer stare alone. Legal Basis had to admit that, had such accords happened on a regular basis in bilateral affairs, the necessary time to deal with issues kept outside court proceedings would have been greatly reduced.
The hoofpad did shake her head, however. “I appreciate your insight, sir, though speaking of ‘code of conduct’ – I would rather leave these reflections for after our business is concluded and in a scenario where you categorically retain consciousness during cessation.”
“Naturally, ma’am. Do forgive my overstepping.”
“No harm done, there’s no shame in curiosity,” she stated and her eyes smiled at him again, even if just a little. “Oh, I do beg your pardon, but the passage of time does impose the repetition of the required warning – your money or your life. Now, might we continue?”
“Certainly,” Legal Basis replied, committing entirely to his duties as a victim once again. “Taking into consideration your expertise, ma’am, I shall gladly grant you the necessary access to my wallet. Though, what I meant was more the fact that, faced with such an impressively solid performing of the assailant’s duties, I might not be able to provide a sufficient remuneration regardless. And I would hate to see you dissatisfied with my own faulty performing of my charges as the robbed party.”
The mare seemed unfazed, her eyes still pleasantly warm and bright. “Please, sir, I completely understand where you are coming from, but I assure you that whilst your compliments are appreciated, I do not require much when it comes to actual repayment,” she pointed out. “It is all within the purview of risks of brigandage to encounter individuals not possessing much in terms of currency, luxury goods, deeds of ownership, bills of exchange and so on and so forth...”
“Spoken like a true professional,” Legal Basis praised her unmolested, despite his natural obligations as the near-future injured party. “Were I at my house, I believe I would have quite enough to offer in this situation, but I seldom take a lot of bits with me. Only for necessary expenses.”
“I am certain that the position of the Imperial Tax Collector has substantial monetary merits, but, unfortunately, acquiring assets from your domicile would fall under the legal designation of ‘burglary’ and I am no burglar, sir,” she made it clear and quite solemnly. “I believe that maintaining the dignity of a pony and that of the home is one of the fundamental rights in a civilized society. Destroying it is abhorrent. Brigandage offers a choice, is an outdoor exercise and can be conducted in a manner to merely endanger health, not dignity.”
Legal Basis listened to her with growing engrossment. It was one thing to state what seemed obvious to him. But to hear such passion creeping into the mare’s voice as she explained her stance was nothing short of enticing. He was glad to let her continue.
“Not to mention that if one enters this field with motivations as shallow as pure profit, it is equally despicable. Ponies like you, sir, and I, we do our part for the society. Our task, official and not so much, brings the necessary realization to everypony that riches are not the source of happiness in life and should be passed onto ponies and offices that can use them to better communal existence and help the less fortunate. And!” she added, raising her hoof up. “That the choice of ‘your money or your life’ is altogether clear in the end.”
Legal Basis would find the right words, but that was not the right thing to do. He, instead, gave the mare a full, courteous bow, one wholly deserved.
“Ma’am, the very civilization stands on such principles and I cannot express enough my admiration for you sharing these ethics and proclaiming them with such fervor.”
The mare curtsied back, momentarily abashed in the best possible way. “Please, sir, you embarrass me, I am simply trying to follow the long-established ways of the noblest of crimes and adhere to traditional values.”
“In a manner worthy of praise aplenty, trust me, ma’am,” he replied immediately, smiling more profoundly than an official should have, but he forgave himself that transgression. “The more I feel like I could not possibly provide enough of a monetary recompense for it. As such, forced by these circumstances, nay, inspired by them, I have to make the only logical choice. My answer is ‘my life’.”
He declared that with conviction. It was altogether clear in the end. That and more.
“Bravely picked, sir,” the mare admitted, visibly moved. She twisted the club in her hoof, weighing it. “I shall, naturally, honor your choice and I do hope that I can provide...”
“Of that I have no doubts.”
“You’re very cordial, sir.”
Her reply was prim and proper, but something about it was different. She was still ready to do what was necessary, but behind that praiseworthy, ruthless conviction lay something more.
“Do you have a preferred method of assault you would like to be subjected to? Maybe a custom strike pattern you prefer to receive?”
She tried to hide that “something” and he respected her for it. But there was no reason to. He felt the same, there wasn’t any need for pondering.
Out of the highest regard for her principles, Legal Basis had to act.
“I have to admit that I am a firm supporter of aggressive minimalism in assaulting,” he replied out of courtesy first. “However, ma’am, witnessing your stance and diligence did persuade me to propose a different solution to our scenario. Perhaps not of the same nature as I have, myself, received back in the Nephrite Forest from Her Majesty Princess Cadance... though that would have been quite the distinction, but of the same principle. Achieving a greater satisfaction to the benefit of all involved parties.”
The mare kept weighing the club in her hoof, but did nod, her eyes glinting hopefully. “It is only natural to grant the opposite party a possibility of proposing such a premise... though I think I have a good idea what you mean, sir. Modus vivendi?”
Legal Basis did nod, happy to hear her being on the same page as him. Now the only question was – would she be interested in continuing reading the next paragraph?
“Exactly, ma’am. I take it you find the concept of to your liking?”
She stood still for a breath, then reached up to her shawl and pulled it down. Revealing a muzzle of sharp features and unmistakable grace. It was, for all intents and purposes, a perfect merger. Her look was sophisticated, elegant and somewhat mysterious. As if betraying her detailed character, she appeared to him like a complex deal, full of clauses just waiting to be discovered by somepony willing to pay attention to the smallest of details.
It was those that hid the most value.
Without the cloth before her muzzle, her voice was that much more dulcet. It was simply meant to read out contracts, remind others of their obligations, threaten bodily harm or propose new, most exciting offers.
“Your proposal shall definitely be considered and I do not think it shall weaken my negotiating position to reveal that I am inclined to accept it.”
Legal Basis smirked, reading into her tone. “I have no plans of abusing this transparency, ma’am. Quite the opposite, I’m ready to indulge it. But, if I might be so daring, could I ask for your name first, before I reveal my pitch?”
“Certainly. It is Politesse.”
“A delightful name, ma’am,” he replied, agreeing with the obvious. “I am, indeed, Legal Basis and it is an utmost pleasure to make your acquaintance through and beyond the robbery.”
“Charmed,” the mare replied courtly and quite sincerely. And so he continued without further ado.
“Having in mind the decorum shown by you, ma’am, and wishing to achieve a solution befitting a brigand of your prowess and, concurrently, a mare of admirable moral qualities, not to mention the newly-revealed allure, as well as having in mind the specific date and time of us conducting business, I propose a substitution for the traditional understanding of the phrase ‘my life’, with something a little less harmful and yet still involving a form of bodily contact.”
That was one article of a sentence, indeed, he realized. But Politesse, once more, did not disappoint. She cocked her head a little, her gaze more and more curious. And her expression more and more positively expectant.
“I’m listening, sir.”
***
“I take it that you have come to a full, peak gratification regarding our proceedings, ma’am?” Legal Basis asked with a polite smile that some would daringly describe as dreamy.
Politesse wore a similar expression, which he could see clearly even in the dim light of the nightstand lamp. “I would quite happily admit that you have satisfied all the term and conditions, sir. Many times over. Your proposed solution have not only been accepted by me as a form of unique, individual compensation by its nature, but showed praiseworthy adherence to the local, established custom of the Hearts and Hooves Day.”
“Custom, as well as praxis, are both rather crucial in certain bilateral agreements,” he pointed out solemnly. “It might be the accord and satisfaction talking, but I must say, I would not be opposed to creating a way of extending this arrangement we have found ourselves in. I do deem it both pleasing and potentially profitable in the long term.”
Politesse looked up, meeting his gaze with a stare of mutual and self-interest. It was, by all means, the very incarnation of bedroom eyes.
“Should I understand that you have also considered certain scenarios that might or might not involve tax deductions and facilitation tools?” she inquired almost sanguinely. “Being an expert witness, I have studied the Imperial enactments regarding certain social policies. I must admit, the dedication towards supporting lasting mergers between ponies are both refreshingly traditionalist and fiscally appealing.”
Legal Basis nodded, hiding some excitement caused by this most functional approach. “Exactly my thinking, ma’am, I am overjoyed you see the potential.”
“How could I not? Especially in the very close presence of the stallion that has proved it possible to turn deep affection into an altruistic donation for the good of the community?” she told him with a smirk.
“Oh, that one, yes. Well, strong emotions can be a leverage, an opportunity and a gain. In forms monetary and not-quite-so,” he admitted, shrugging. “Tonight’s gains were, for example, luscious. Which is why I cannot quite deny that an escalation of consensus between the two of us would be desirable to me. I do hope you feel the same, ma’am, citing the previous full consent.”
“It would be deceitful to claim reluctance towards such a proposition... especially considering the present position. Which I believe neither of us truly considered at the start of our proceedings at Jewelpond, no?” she pointed out with a deepening smile. “True, I targeted you specifically, sir, but I had in mind a different kind of relations.”
“Naturally, ma’am, though I am glad that our dealings reached such a unison,” he openly admitted, quite pleased to hear both her words and seeing that look of her imperfect dolomite eyes.
They quite matched his impure cobalt.
That and the covering comforters around them actually gave him further, daring ideas.
“Not to mention that having a partner in clandestine brigandage opens up certain scenarios in the criminal field as well.”
“Indeed, sir, I thought the same thing,” Politesse immediately answered, showing her own excitement once again this evening. “Certain manuals I have studied do mention a number of techniques requiring an additional club, for example.”
Legal Basis furrowed his brow. “Which manuals do you have in mind, ma’am?”
“Which don’t I have, sir.”
He chuckled, then thought for a second, quite intrigued by the response. “It is a broad topic, requiring a healthy, mature approach. But I am open to suggestions, especially from a trusted accomplice.”
“How delightful!” she exclaimed in joy. “Having all this in mind, I believe I should officially thank you for your many forms and positions of cooperation, sir. This had to have been one of my favorite robberies so far, with an unexpected, but very gratifying ending. It is currently narrowly winning with assaulting a brawny minotaur and two hawkers that happened to have been twins.”
“That is quite interesting, ma’am,” Legal Basis admitted. “Care to tell me about those cases? I always look into expanding my techniques and approaches. One cannot let professional duties thwart professional growth. Especially when one has multiple professions.”
“I would be honored, sir,” Politesse assured, scooping a little closer. “And perhaps, speaking of multiple professions, I could be helpful to the office of the Imperial Tax Collector in the legitimized capacity? Should I expect a job opening appearing in the office quite soon?”
“I would love to promise that, ma’am, but not on the basis of what had just transpired,” he told her with a little roll of his eyes.
She just smiled as her stare shone. “But on a legal basis instead, Legal Basis?”
“Witticisms and fraternization, Politesse? Where is your decency, ma’am?”
She didn’t answer at first, simply reached out and pulled her club from under the pillow. “How very accurate, sir, that is exactly how I call it.”
He smiled. “That is, undeniably, adorable.” He, himself, produced his own, favorite weapon from below the mattress, much to her amusement. “Our readiness is more than compatible and makes me arrive at an interesting thought.”
“Do tell?” she inquired, definitely curious.
“Does the expression: ‘Our money and our life’ sound like a perfect description of the future intercourses between us?”
“To bring forth the heretofore mentioned witticisms and fraternization, I find your choice of words to be both jocular and methodical,” Politesse replied with a purely unprofessional expression.
Indicating very prospective dealings, both in distant future and the immediate one.
Legal Basis couldn’t deny his eager cooperation.
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I have long awaited the return of this spectacular series of shorts, and here I find it, unsuspecting and out of nowhere. I am ready
10678694
Believe me when I say that I, as well, awaited this return.
I'm sure this is all part of the great Master Plan of princess Cadance
10678764
How "intriguing".
10678698
After thoroughly reading and rereading this story an unconfirmable amount of times, I can say that it does indeed meet and exceed my every expectation. Well done to this, and I simply can not wait for your next work
10678798
Haha! Right into the spirit of things! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I was just mentioning the series of stories to a friend recently. What a coincidence if I do say so
still a great transaction.
10679055
How fortunate then, that I could provide just in time!
Having read the work of fictional, hereafter to be referred to as the “work”, documented above I shall now commence on a briefly expounding on my personal perspective concerning said work. The work suffered from no technical imperfections or they were infrequent enough that I, in my literary investment, was not made aware of them. The work maintained a pleasant adherence to previously laid down thematic elements, whilst also introducing new content in such a way as to not be redundant. As a result of this work’s excellence I shall fulfill in my end of the implied contractual obligation of this website by applying a like in the appropriate area.
Ah he's back. How gratifying.
Guess who's back back again Legal's back tell a friend
This was six thousand words of legalese flirting. Cadence was very likely elated and appalled in equal measures
Bravo sir, bravo!
Rather unflappable this one.
10679303
The party claiming authorship, designated by the term: "writer" shows genuine appreciation for the generous evaluation of skills and craft by the means of a circumscribed sign of gratitude:
denoting an expression classified as a "smile". The writer expresses hope that further offered works of literary ability shall be to the other party's contentment.
10679329
I could say the same thing. Happy to be of service.
10679437
Feel free to, yes. I'm glad to have him back as well.
10679910
Thank you, thank you, for once my own proficiency proves useful.
10679938
As cold as a mortgage deal.
I see what transpired here.
Dear Faust, not only are there two of them, but they're almost certainly going to reproduce. If they haven't started already.
And I don't mean contracts in duplicate.
The only couple that would likely send out an one hundred page document requesting RSVP.
10680236
Could you be absolutely certain consent was not given in written form?
10680238
A couple that litigates together, stays together.
10680239
It appears given the evidence that consent was given verbally, repeatedly, and at times with obvious intent and with the invocation of royalty (appropriate, given the Equestrian member of the contract) to the turn of "Oh Celestia, do that again!" Followed by "Yes, yes, yes!" . (Others were less distinct due to biting a pillow.). Certainly enough times to stand up in court.
And everyone knows that marriage licenses are in triplicate, anyway.
10680269
:shhh: Don't ruin the purity of their dealings with uncouth, passionate declarations.
I find it extremly amusing that Legal Basis was, and probably still is, willing to accept that bushes not only are capable of sentience and polite ineractions, but also banditry.
Also, so this is how lawyers are made.
I wonder if future Twilight will eventually hire a young, polite, legally based stallion/mare after his/her first practice in the occupation of brigandry.
10680529
... congratulations, you just inspired me for the sequel!
Ok... I'm like, 90% sure they spent the evening filing the forms necessary to start a business, 9% sure it was a nonprofit, 2% sure that I've suffered paper-related trauma, 100% sure this was adorably weird, and a further 100% sure that I'm about to be audited.
10680272
"Your money or your life, unless of course, you'd like a wife."
(In which case, you give her both.)
10680536
Oh, you're getting audited, alright. Your percentages are off!
10680538
Were it only so simple!
10680533
I will consider this one of my greatest achievements!
10680542
Come now, I know your works, you can aim higher than that, surely.
I want to shoot myself.
I have been on Fanfiction, to Wattpad to Archive of our Own, I have seen the depths of hell and braved the worst written pieces the most undeveloped of minds have concocted in wheat-addled feverdreams.
I have waded through the muck and dived through the depths, been swallowed by the great whale and spat back out into the endless abyss of filth.
But never, never in all my years have I ever read something as frustrating as this.
The sheer level of empty words and cyclic language makes the entire piece a chore to read and frankly I'm genuinely impressed at the mental fortitude it takes to write this trite, much less read it.
You sir, go into the special pile, for if politics were a person, it would be this entire..... thing
-7/10 Please shoot me in the head, it hurts so much.
10680566
Haha! My friend, that is one heck of an examination!
If it's not your thing, I completely understand it. It is a certain type of comedy and there are as many tastes as there are people. Nevertheless, I want to thank you for your time and effort to go through it. And I thank you for the comment and adding this to one of your library folders. I'll take the consolation prize of the heat that it generates for the tale.
I don't accept this. The OTP is Legal Basis x Chrysalis, and nobody can tell me otherwise.
10680623
The fact that there even would be an OTP for Legal Basis is hilarious to me!
10680624
Didn't you notice the raw sensual energy between the two as you wrote it? Chryssy had several salacious thoughts (of how evil and cunning and competent Legal is), revelations about her place in the world, a good hearty laugh and she threw off her coverings for him.
And then it all ended when he clobbered her with his hefty truncheon.
10680578
See, this is a kind of masterpiece.
I will admit this is magnificent.
But to me, this specific kind of magnificence is blinding to the point at which it liquifies my eyeballs.
10680642
Oof, stop it, my clause can only get so strict.
I do acknowledge your point... maybe there is an idea here to explore at some point.
10680645
"She Blinded Me With Legalism".
To each their own.
I dunno Legal and Politesse come across as a little too identical in personality for me. Half the fun of a relationship is learning to appreciate each other's differences.
The household thus created is one that would bid its visitors to sign, in triplicate, each sheet of toilet paper, before use.
Well, I just read a story about a robbery turned romance written in excessive legalese. If someone told me before this that my favourite romance story on the site would look like this, I would not have believed them.
10680529
Well, yes this is Equestria after all (though they preferred to be called "money trees").
10680272
Just wait until they start filling out form 27B/6 together!
Phwoar!
I think I need a cold shower and a lie-down after that.
10681006
I'd say that there are different relationships. I think they both find a certain comfort in the conduct predictability of themselves.
10681118
Proper deportment is critical in matters friendly.
10681136
Hah! Thank you so much, I shall take it for a great praise! Warms my lawyer's heart.
10681360
Authorization of repairs of domestic living quarters is all fine and dandy, but there's nothing more sensual and perverse in life than applying for tax exemptions, no?
I loved this story and am a little disappointed we didn’t get to see the reaction of shining and cadence to Legal not only finding a romantic partner but also finding someone who is a kindred soul to himself. Also I fear for what the progeny of such a couple would be like and so should the crystal empire...
Regardless, it was heartwarming!
10681620
Oh, trust me, they felt it. It was like a disturbance in the Force, surely!
Glad you enjoyed it.
I confess my only disappointment is that this meeting of soulmates was not somehow arranged by Cadance.
Excellent work!
10682145
I need to leave something to conjecture.
Thank you very much.
This reads like something that Terry Pratchett would write. I couldn’t stop snickering.
If you had told me three years ago that I would one day read and enjoy a story of legalese flirting between two equine clandestine brigands, I would have laughed and asked what you were smoking. Now, all I ask for is fanart and sequels.
I can only imagine Legal Basis meeting Idol Hooves. It would truly be an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object!
10682494
High praise, not entirely inaccurate in my assessment. Does go on a bit long, imho. Pratchett ravels out (raveled out I suppose) jokes for quite awhile but generally ended them before they wore out their welcome. This, I'm afraid, lingers just a touch too long. Still, cut out about 10% (a good tax rate that) and you'd have it. Still high praise.
...I'm half doing the cadence (ha!) now, aren't I?
10682494
Wow, I'm honored to be compared like so. Thank you so much!
10682540
Hah! Alright, I'm down with that. At least, when it comes to sequels!
10682985
That would be a most interesting occurrence to end a universe, indeed.
10682997
Are you sure you're not trying to find a needle in a haystack here?
I was trying to imagine this line spoken in an unnaturally (for the situation) friendly, pleasant voice, and it took me a few tries to get a satisfactory one.
That they did.
Naturally, with decorum like that.
That was wonderful! I eagerly await the (hopefully inevitable) next installment of this series!