• Member Since 9th Oct, 2017
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Pineapple Love. Beloved Mare. Follow me on Discord: Godfrog#4197 Support me on: My patreon https://ko-fi.com/nailah


Vinyl's always stuck out for being wild and unique, but when she meets Princess Twilight, she learns a different kind of lesson about how interesting music and love can be.

This is my first commissioned piece for Mushroompone for winning 2nd price in a speed write competition

Coverart Source: Link

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

I know I've already said as much, but this is wonderful, Nailah!! A wonderful little story, a perfect meet-cute, and an adorable conclusion. I can't stop thinking about Twilight and Vinyl sharing a toasty bath... the romance of it all. The softness of it all.

Thank you so much for this!! Both personally, and for this great contribution to an underrated rarepair :twilightsmile: I'll be returning to this one many times, that's for sure

She looked at Twilight, and thought it must be hard to be Princess. All that attention, all that glory, how can she be so calm about it all?

Oh, that is easy! She isn't calm at all! She just learned how to hide it well! :pinkiecrazy:

Nice work. As someone that tried to write a mute character once and decided it wasn't working and scrapped the idea, I can say that I'm impressed with your Vinyl.
Good work. :twilightsmile:

Heartwarming piece!

this is high amounts of poggers; made me many a good emotion :)

First things first, I liked the idea of the story. Bonus points also for an uncommon pairing in a shipfic! I think this is the first time I see some... What would this be called? Twinyl? I'll go with Twinyl. I'm also a fan of the fact you went with the mute version of Vinyl; always interesting to see that.

That said, I have to be honest. This one was a difficult piece to finish reading due to the sheer lack of polish and editing it seems to have. Confusing placement of commas, sentences long enough that you could run the marathon on them and repetition of words in certain places to name the worst offenders.

Plot-wise, I was left confused by how they got from Canterlot to Ponyville in the blink of an eye. Did Twilight teleport them? Did they take the train? Did Discord snap them there off screen? The story doesn't answer that. One moment they are in Canterlot and then in the span of one scene transition they simply... are in Ponyville.

And then there are these two lines:

--and yet Octavia could never truly understand her. The two were from different worlds practically.

It felt like she was the one pony in all of Equestria that might understand her.

Which one is it supposed to be? Does Octy get her or does she not? :rainbowderp:

I know I'm probably coming across pretty harshly here and I do apologize for it. However... how can one ever improve as a writer unless someone points out the parts that they need to focus on in order to hone their abilities? Perhaps even consider enlisting the help of an editor/proofreader? Plenty of groups on this site with people ready, willing and able to lend a hand! :twilightsmile:

This story has potential, but it's in dire need of an editor. There are too many contradictions, repetitive word choices and unclear character perceptions that it makes it difficult to read.

“She sure is something isn’t she? I’ve always wondered how she’s able to know exactly the right place to place the bow as she lets the music absorb her into it. It’s honestly quite fascinating.” asked the alicorn beside her.

How does Vinyl know the voice is from an Alicorn without seeing her? A better way to phrase the line could be:

“She sure is something isn’t she?"
Vinyl's ears pricked up at the familiar voice. Was that...?
"I’ve always wondered how she knows exactly the right place to place the bow? When she gets into the swing of things, she's always so absorbed in her music, it’s honestly quite fascinating.”

Also, here you repeat the phrase "finding herself" three times over, when just one would suffice.

Vinyl tilted her head towards the owner of the voice, finding herself stuttering as she found herself staring, blinking as he mouth gaped open...she found herself unable to process any coherent thoughts. The mare talking to her was a Princess, she recognized her from Ponyville, not to mention the like half a dozen times she and her friends saved them all. Why was she taking the time out of her day to talk to her? She doesn’t even know who I am.

This could easily be phrased as:

Vinyl did a double take, finding herself found herself staring with her mouth hung open. Did she just bump into Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and regular saviour of Equestria? Or had she fallen asleep and was dreaming, instead?

Here is a good use of body language, but the big problem is that you keep adding actions like "stuttering" or "lost for words", when Vinyl can't speak at all. If a character is mute, then they shouldn't be able to stutter or use words at all.

Vinyl hesitated for some sort of reply. Here she was standing next to Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship. Finally she managed to find a way to respond with a simple bobbing of her head, up and down, with a smug little smirk raising up on her muzzle, as her body seemed to sway in place, like she could feel a rhythm beneath her hooves.

As I said at the beginning, this fic is *begging* for an editor. There's so much untapped potential, you can easily achieve this through working on second drafts!

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