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Vinyl's always stuck out for being wild and unique, but when she meets Princess Twilight, she learns a different kind of lesson about how interesting music and love can be.
This is my first commissioned piece for Mushroompone for winning 2nd price in a speed write competition
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I know I've already said as much, but this is wonderful, Nailah!! A wonderful little story, a perfect meet-cute, and an adorable conclusion. I can't stop thinking about Twilight and Vinyl sharing a toasty bath... the romance of it all. The softness of it all.
Thank you so much for this!! Both personally, and for this great contribution to an underrated rarepair
I'll be returning to this one many times, that's for sure
Oh, that is easy! She isn't calm at all! She just learned how to hide it well!
Nice work. As someone that tried to write a mute character once and decided it wasn't working and scrapped the idea, I can say that I'm impressed with your Vinyl.
Good work.
Heartwarming piece!
this is high amounts of poggers; made me many a good emotion :)
First things first, I liked the idea of the story. Bonus points also for an uncommon pairing in a shipfic! I think this is the first time I see some... What would this be called? Twinyl? I'll go with Twinyl. I'm also a fan of the fact you went with the mute version of Vinyl; always interesting to see that.
That said, I have to be honest. This one was a difficult piece to finish reading due to the sheer lack of polish and editing it seems to have. Confusing placement of commas, sentences long enough that you could run the marathon on them and repetition of words in certain places to name the worst offenders.
Plot-wise, I was left confused by how they got from Canterlot to Ponyville in the blink of an eye. Did Twilight teleport them? Did they take the train? Did Discord snap them there off screen? The story doesn't answer that. One moment they are in Canterlot and then in the span of one scene transition they simply... are in Ponyville.
And then there are these two lines:
Which one is it supposed to be? Does Octy get her or does she not?
I know I'm probably coming across pretty harshly here and I do apologize for it. However... how can one ever improve as a writer unless someone points out the parts that they need to focus on in order to hone their abilities? Perhaps even consider enlisting the help of an editor/proofreader? Plenty of groups on this site with people ready, willing and able to lend a hand!
This story has potential, but it's in dire need of an editor. There are too many contradictions, repetitive word choices and unclear character perceptions that it makes it difficult to read.
How does Vinyl know the voice is from an Alicorn without seeing her? A better way to phrase the line could be:
Also, here you repeat the phrase "finding herself" three times over, when just one would suffice.
This could easily be phrased as:
Here is a good use of body language, but the big problem is that you keep adding actions like "stuttering" or "lost for words", when Vinyl can't speak at all. If a character is mute, then they shouldn't be able to stutter or use words at all.
As I said at the beginning, this fic is *begging* for an editor. There's so much untapped potential, you can easily achieve this through working on second drafts!