follow a college guy who some how gets turn into a perfect copy of Twilight Sparkle, and tries to find a way home.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ok then.
good on you zack lying to moon butt is a bad idea also more likely to get help
So is Equestria Girls a thing in this universe or not?
So he went ahead and dispensed with any ideas of hising what happened? Good for him then. Although given he himself never had magic before and Twilight has a great deal, the initial assumption is that Twilight did this somehow.
So is it because of what he is that magic is so easy or is it due to human knowledge of the world that makes it easy? Good story so far
I'm wondering why Sun/Moonbutt didn't think he was a changling.
10345168
no. i don't count the Equestria Girls spin of series canon to the main TV show timeline because Sunset, the mirror or the human world NEVER gets mentioned.
10345856
yes....in a way. i don't want to spoil it. but Zack is one of those people that learns to pick things up pretty quickly, and once he has a grasp on the concept, he can figure out how to use it rather easily.
PS: Zack is based off one of my friends (of course the name in the story is not his real name), and it kind of annoying how fast my friend can learn something and be just as good as the other person without even trying.
10345907
think about it. why would a changeling just act like nothing is out of the ordinary, when he/she gets caught in his/her disguise? alos, Zack is still somewhat in the back of his mind this WHOLE situation is not real, so he's treating it as if its a dream. like the Alice in Wonderland kind of situation.
10345403
nope. OG Twilight has nothing to do with Zack's situation.
10345113
is that a good or bad 'Okay then' ?
10346623
I don't know yet. It's just a okay then.
10346649
fair enough. hopefully if stick around and read follow up chapters, i do better to entertain.
10346613
Nope just the sirens and Sunset gets shown in the final song in the epilogue episode behind Twilight lol. But I understand some accept it some don’t it just the difference between her asking a lot of questions to her being “oh humans? Like the ones on the other side of the mirror?”
*Reads title of the fanfic*
Yes you are, Twi.
Merchandising.
Remove red "if", make yellow "is" into "isn't"
Hope this correction is accurate & helpful.
Good Luck with this story!
10380066
i appreciate any spells tips or errors, helps me improve on my own writing.
If anyone has Netflix, I imagine Zack’s voice by the coach Jake Johnson character in Hoops
10346613
Season 8 finale it shows Starswirled banishing the siren sisters during the explanation of what happened to create Pony of Shadows yes it is actually 100% Cannon if you want to readjust your story to make it so that this becomes Canon it would be a good idea
Zack"s Bizarre Adventure
You should find someone to help with proofreading. There's quite a few grammar errors throughout the chapter that I noticed.
Zack is well adjusted quite quickly. Learned how to walk and fly in less than an hour, and magic is super easy. Dazed or not, this isn't very reasonable...
10559318
well he does have a few hiccups, so he doesn't fully get ahold of everything.
10559318
least he didnt take 9 fucking episodes to get used to it
10703197
Well, it doesn't really help in the longer run regardless.
10559318
A lot of things aren't in the mlp universe so it's fine.
10927147
*cackles insanely* You're in for a treat!
I like this type of spell
I'd assume she would know quite a lot after twilight came back from the human world right?
Sounds a bit weird to me
Futa for the win!!!!!!😍
Thestrals/Batpony: "Are we a joke to history?"
Celestia and Luna take it pretty chill... Wonder who caused this and why...
I honestly don't know if I should keep reading this. So far, the Prologue and Chapter 1 are so... How do I put this gently?
They need serious scrubbing, rewriting, and proofreading. I know that this was published years ago, and your writing skill has likely improved since then, but stories that start out on such bad footing don't lend themselves towards gaining new readers.
Some examples from this very chapter:
Clunky middle segment. Use of 'were' and 'weren't' would have worked fine.
Continuing with the major issue from the Prologue about the vague language (as another commenter pointed out). This can be easily rectified if it wasn't so frequent or if you were to replace it with something like:
Punctuation, and present tense where it doesn't fit.
I honestly shouldn't have to tell you what's wrong with this. The the first apostrophe is unnecessary, middle is clunky, and you reuse 'as she'.
The 'and' can be removed entirely.
The capitalization at the beginning should have been picked up on the proofread. The second half... How do I even begin to tackle that? It isn't necessarily grammatically incorrect, but it isn't very pleasant to read. It's mostly the use of 'and now'. Can be quite easily fixed by some use of punctuation and word swapping. An example of what can be done:
Overuse of name. This is actually a proper place to replace the second 'Zack' with something like 'The smaller mare'. And of course the second sentence can be merged with the first or you can make use of directed pronouns, e.g. 'Her guest'.
If these writing issues cropped up on occasion then it wouldn't be so bad, but they are constant throughout these two chapters. I briefly checked about Chapter 15 and it didn't seem to have nearly as many issues (for what little I skimmed over). Maybe some housekeeping needs to be done on the earlier chapters, if you would like to receive more positive feedback and readership.
While I like the idea of what you are going for so far, I am a little worried about how you may handle it if these chapters are anything to go by (from a story perspective, not just in terms of writing quality), but it isn't an irredeemable concept. If the chapters were less painful to read through, maybe I would continue on, but as I see it, the problems in these opening chapters shot the entire story in the foot right out the gate.
It's average so far. Most of the time, it feels like a slog reading thru unexciting prose, but i can't really fault you for that being your style of writing. What i can say though is that this is hitting all the usual story beats expected of HiE fics. Apart from Zack choosing to be forthwith from the get-go about not being Twilight, it feels typical and unexciting. Also the hermaphrodite bit was a turn off. It doesn't feel like it has purpose and was thrown in for indulgence or kicks. I'll trying reading on, and maybe later chapters will surprise me, but i'm not optimistic.
11465492
that's fair, this is my first attempt at writing anything this long, and trying to actually tell a story. I've been trying to get better, which is part of why this story has been on hiatus for half the year. as for the hermaphrodite thing I'm not really sure why I made Zack that, guess I had ideas for Zack to get it on with the mares, but scrapped it. i didn't take notes till later on. I'm hoping this fic will help me be a better writer and story teller, sorry if it's not exactly a good story.
11151304
I have always found that weird, is it like a pony racism? Or it could be the the bats just hid so well + probably some history scrubbing around nightmare moon that people just, forgot about em. And the average person would just think it's a enchantment for the night guard