follow a college guy who some how gets turn into a perfect copy of Twilight Sparkle, and tries to find a way home.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Inbound fate vs choices of character will fight each other, fate has lost one member that being discord and will thorax suffer the fate as him, just as fate has mess with zack by punishing him for killing discord that messing fate plan by doing so will fate being punished by messing a being from not this world, leading an outcome that fate itself will be punish by messing moral and giving idea to chrysalis that torture Zack
i have a feeling that chysalis never got the memo that, zack aka fake sparkle kill'd fucking discord in blind rage
as if 6 stallions could take down 1 allicorn
you know a fitting way to get rid of quen bug breath would be to stuff her in tartarus whith tirek and let him suck her dry
11053248
That depends... does Chrysalis still has anti-magic throne with her?
I've probably said it before, but it bears repeating: "Scoots. Pound Cake can fly. Flurry Heart can fly. Bulk Biceps can (kind of) fly. You'll get there."
I'm getting a lot of mileage from that video lately.
That forest scene feels wrong to me. I have multiple reasons for it:
First: at least 4 ponies are playing soccer, running around, huffing and puffing, cheering and probably yelling to each other. Those are AJ and RD we are talking about, there is no way they aren't getting all competitive and giving it their all. All of that happens surrounded by forest where every little breeze would rustle leaves and whatnot. In this environment "everyone" notices a rustling bush. I can not believe they would especially not those currently engaged in physical activity.
Second: a rustling bush in the middle of the forest really shouldn't result in the ponies reacting in such a cautious (not to say frightened) manner. They all but formed a defensive perimeter around the children. Because a bush rustled in the forest. Unless they already expected something bad to happen and had been on edge the entire time, of dich there had been no mention, this kind of reaction feels inappropriate for the situation.
Third: and here I felt like you broke the immersion a second time because apparently suddenly everyone remembers that they weren't supposed to be on edge and let one being, alone, by herself, investigate like they hadn't just herded their young to one place to better defend them. Additionally it's the one being that should at least tangentially be familiar with horror movie tropes like splitting the party and wandering of alone into a (up until just now apparently scary) forest. Especially because that part is undermined a few paragraphs later by having AJ show up anyway.
Fourth: there is no way I believe that Rainbow Dash stayed put while Applejack leaves her family member to run after Zack. That is utterly out of character for RD and I could argue that it is as well for AJ (admitting that her actions are defensible when it comes to her character).
The fifth is much more of a personal opinion: I like that you gave Zack such a reaction to the mention of Chrysalis' name without warning. I'm not sure I like how that reaction had no actual consequences however. Zack was super quick to regain their witts and was able to cool headedly pull off two consecutive teleports with clear targets and objectives in mind as well as piece together what else the stallion had meant with the traitor comment. I don't know anyone with PTSD so I can't say for sure but that felt to me like a miraculously quick recovery. I will admit that this is purely my uneducated opinion and that I don't know if you are using it this way in order to build up to a more dramatic reaction later on. Or maybe the adrenalin kicked in and Zack will feel the effects later?
All that being said I am positively curious where you are going with this and how you'll torture our poor Zack next as seems to be the theme for this fic.
Nice
--__-
N-da..
I wonder what it feels like to have an exoskeleton removed while you're still alive? Here's hoping Zack lets Chrysalis find out if she does anything to Thorax...
Should probably choose between "wasn't able to do" or "was unable to do". "Wasn't unable to do" kind of implies that she's capable of doing just that.
11055088
the road to heling is long and hard and zack needs some help and likely will slowly heal (and i hope that after zacks encounter with mind magic her mind will have spent time to make her immune)
As i read this story, i have come to realize that the front picture for your story isn't just our protagonist being angry or sad at being Twillight.
But instead, the protagonist getting pushed real fast into a broken state over this world's bs
I’m sorry man, I really like your story but PLEASE get an editor to correct your chapters.
There are sentences that makes no sense until you realize there’s a missing word, verbs wrongly conjugated and words replaced by another that sounds the same but has a different meaning (quite =\= quiet).
Other than that, keep up the good story.
11059124
oh, how so?
11101668
It wasn't a bad remark.
But the poor man cannot catch a break.
Transformed, abused in all the ways possible.
This guy really is pushed to his limits
11101816
oh! okay, but if you think his limit was hit.....wait till next chapter.
Applejack: Chrysalis come to screw Zack whine bottle.
Twilight: What?
Rainbowdash: Chrysalis come to put her Sword into Zack Sheat.
Starlight: What??
Rarity: Chrysalis come to climb the mounten of passion.
Twilight: What???
Pinkie Pie: Chrysalis come to Cream Zack Pie.
Starlight & Twilight: What ?!
Spike: Chrysalis come to fuck Zack again!
Everyone: Ooooo...
Spike: And they Foalnapped Thorax!
Everyone: Horseapples...
Spike: Why did Zack and Thorax have no guard detail with a rapey and deadly Chrysalis on their tail?
Pinkie Pie: Celestia the millenia old God-Queen that is going for Princess instead, actually wanted to and Thorax Brother wanted to keep Thorax save, but the Author hit them with a rolled up news paper with the words: Don't point out my plotholes and ruine my dark drama.
Everyone but Pinkie Pie: That makes no sence.
Pinkie Pie: Agreed, he made Zack a god killer, but Zack can't even deal with drained mindslaves and a Bugqueen despite being no longer in a no magic zone.
Logic
11153877
if my plothole was that Zack and Thorax don't get guards...........then why doesn't Twilight have a castle full of guards in the first place? its not because of plotholes, its because by the shows interpretation, Twilight NEVER needs guards at her castle, no matter what has transpired. if she did then by the show's accounts Twilight had 3 or 4 main events that showed that this fcking mare needs Guards in her castle.
all my fics try stay 90% close to the actual show, and all that is show and interpreted in it. now i could change it, but then Twilight wouldn't finally get the harsh reality that her world is not a bubble gum and Rainbow sun shine world, and that it does have FCKED SHT in it. and that she NEEDS to finally shape up, not follow Celestia's style and become an actual ruler that takes security, safety and the well-being of the nation she lives in MORE SERIOUSLY. that is one of the main goals i try to convey through this story.