Business
Jesus Has Tea With Rarity
by rets :3
___________________________
Once upon a time, in a universe nobody paid much attention to, there was a cup of tea. Specifically, Earl Grey. It was no longer steaming hot, but one wouldn’t expect it to be, after all, it had been sitting out in the open for almost ten minutes. It was only fitting that it did, since being nearly scared to death by a tall stranger knocking on your door tends to leave the mind distracted. Nevertheless, the cup had had a long and fruitful life since its birth fifteen minutes before. It didn’t try to fight when a light blue aura encased it, levitating the liquid to its sloshy, acidic demise in the bowels of a snow white unicorn.
Soft orchestral music played in the background, presumably from a gramophone but probably not.
“So... Mr. Jesus....” Rarity muttered, lowering the deceased cup of tea back to the table; its last words being a melodramatic tinkle as it touched back onto the wood.* “You came for a.... Ahem. I’m dreadfully sorry, dear. I’m just all out of sorts today.”
“It isn’t a problem at all,” Jesus said, resting his hands on his lap, “you may take your time to recuperate. That was quite a fall you took.” Rarity rubbed her forehead with one hoof at the mention of the incident, and both parties winced. One out of sympathy, and the other because the spot was still sore and wasn’t too fond of being rubbed.
“I suppose so,” Rarity grumbled, resuming her previously perfect posture and poise. “I wasn’t expecting any visitors today because, as you can see on the sign over there, I’m supposed to be closed.” She nodded over at a sign on the front desk, visible only through the door to the kitchen. It blushed when they looked away. “So, you mentioned something about a commission before? I’m afraid under normal circumstances I would have to say no, but....”
“This is not a normal circumstance?” Jesus finished, eyeing his own teacup. It would have shrunk back in terror of the evangelical tea connoisseur, but the allure of his gentle countenance lulled it back into a contented state of just being tea. “You are correct, though. I am in need of a new robe, and it is to my understanding that you put a lot of love into your work.”
At the mention of his robe, a dull, dirtied thing that was probably once white, Rarity’s eyes jerked uncomfortably. “I... yes... I can definitely see why you would be in need of new clothing, but at the moment I’m very busy. You are only visiting Ponyville, I presume?”
“That is correct,” Jesus said, slowly reaching for his pink teacup, as if it might get up and flee at any moment. “If it’s that much of a bother, could I come back later?”
“Ha! Yes, very well, you may. It would be such a relief if you did, but... hm,” Rarity said, her eyes growing wide and ears perking up; something her sister would have rudely dubbed ‘her idea face’. “You know what, Mr. Jesus, if you give me the details on what you would like, I could finish it in less than four days! Robes are fairly simple to make, as you no doubt know, so it wouldn’t be much of a problem at all! We can discuss prices later, but right now all that matters is the details! I... must ask, first, though, what made you come to my humble little shop? Surely, for someone like yourself, you must have come quite a long ways to get here. Most foreigners, I believe, would have chosen to go to a more mainstream store.”
Jesus blinked, tearing his eyes from the cup and forcing them to meet Rarity’s. “I’ve found that I don’t prefer mainstream products, and please, just call me Jesus. I am not, as you guessed, from Equestria, but it doesn’t take much effort for me to come and go as I please. I believe this is my... second visit to your town. It’s very charming.”
“Yes,” Rarity said, eyes flitting to a window, opened up to let the town chatter and fresh air inside. Both of which shoved and pushed on the way in. “A podunk... charming little town,” she muttered, turning back to her guest. “But if I may ask, where are you from, dear?”
“Immaterial,” he replied curtly.
“Oh, it certainly sounds... exotic! I’ve never been outside of Equestria myself, but it’s a wonder I’ve never heard of it before. Is it far?”
“Very far, I’m afraid,” he said, the teacup impatiently hovering under his lips.
“Hm. It’s a lovely place, I’m sure, but back to business!”
“Indeed.”
“Do you want your new robe to be the same? Because while it certainly has its charm, there are plenty of things I could do to make it look absolutely stunning. I can see it now! A red sash... covered in... sapphires!” Rarity exclaimed, raising her hooves to the heavens in a fashion that could only be described as over dramatic.
“The same. I’m not too fond of flashy things. A plain... red sash sounds acceptable, though,” Jesus said, glancing over at the several mannequins that were drowning in gem-encrusted garments. Blinking, he looked down silently and decided that if anything, the visit was worth it for getting the free tea. He took a sip.
“No... gems. No sparkles. No fancy. No... flare....” Rarity muttered, biting her lower lip on the last few words. “I... can do that. Definitely. I will do it!” She placed both hooves on the table, pushing herself up and nearly knocking over her tea set. The soft, orchestral music briefly escalated into a crescendo of horns and trumpets.
“That’s nice,” Jesus said, flinching as the record screeched to a halt.
“Oh, darling, I assure you, it will be more than just nice. It will be... fabulous!” She threw her hooves in the air, letting her body slide back onto the chair, and sighed. If Jesus had been paying attention, he might’ve been able to catch the cartoonish outlines of the various robe designs that were spinning around her head and muttering sweet inspirational nuggets. But he wasn’t; he was looking into his slowly disappearing tea.
“How much will it cost?” he asked his teacup.
“Hm? The robe? Oh, not much, I assure you. If I get it to you in three days, then it’ll be full price, which for something as simple as what you’re requesting, should be about thirty-five bits. If you need me to hold it for you if you can’t make it on time, it will be a five percent raise each four days extra. Oh! My friend Twilight also agreed to help enchant some of my fabrics. I could make it water-proof, tear-proof, or fire-proof if you’re willing to give ten extra bits. Would you be interested in that?” Rarity asked, resuming her businesslike posture.
“No thank you, and if I may ask, how are you planning to get work done while at a family reunion?” Jesus asked, setting his now-empty cup down.
“A reui- wha?” she sputtered, blinking furiously and looking from side-to-side. “Whatever do you mean?”
Jesus casually pointed to an open invitation that was sitting on the table, directly between them and standing on its crease. “It says there’s one going on in Baltimare this week. Won’t you be attending?”
“Ooooh, tha-at family reunion,” Rarity chuckled, whisking the offensive paper away with a burst of blue magic. “Nooo nonono. I won’t be attending this year. Not after last year....”
“What happened last year?”
Rarity tittered, leaning to the left. “Hehehooo, it was a disaster. An utter train-wreck! I love my family as much as the next pony, but could they be any more embarrassing?” she asked, leaning in to look Jesus in the face while he snuck a refill. “No!” she shouted, slamming a hoof on the table and nearly spilling his newly-filled cup. “It would be impossible! Or at least humongously improbable! I love my parents and all of my... cousins, and certainly my sister! But they’re uncouth! Unclean! Noisy, rowdy, silly, and hrrrg, absolutely nothing like me!”
Jesus gently rose a hand in front of his face, eyes glued onto the seething unicorn in front of him, and slowly wiped off a fleck of spittle.
“But you love them anyway,” he said.
“Well... of course I do! They’re my family.”
“But you’re ashamed of them,” he said, taking another sip of the lukewarm tea.
“No! No, of course not... I...” She bit her lower lip, meeting the hard gaze of the man sitting across from her. “Yes. Yes I am ashamed of them. So very, very much. But they’re my family, and I know I should love them, but each and every time I visit or they visit, they make it so hard!”
“Well instead of blaming only them for it, look at what you’ve done,” Jesus said, taking another sip. “Perhaps you’ve done nothing wrong, but have you looked at how you’ve reacted? Did you ever let them know they were being embarrassing? There can be no resolution without communication. Unless your family members are all mind-readers.” He set the teacup down, looking up right into Rarity’s disbelieving eyes, and then settling on a small gnat that was buzzing a few feet away.
The gnat was more interesting.**
“I never really thought about it like that,” Rarity mumbled. “No, no I suppose I haven’t ever talked with them about their behavior in a civilized manner. I... guess we haven’t been on good terms lately. But you have to understand, I cannot simply waltz up to them and tell them how I want them to live! That would be the worst. Possible. Th-”
“You don’t have to. It wouldn’t be very civilized if you did it that way,” Jesus interrupted.
“Well I suppose it wouldn’t,” Rarity grumbled, sliding back into her seat. “But I... well I suppose I’m just afraid of what they’ll think of me...” She took a deep breath, a quick sip of tea that lasted half a second and created a noisy, un-ladylike slurping sound, and set her cup down right on top of the gnat. It died instantly.
One crystal-white hoof settled onto the table, and her eyes drifted off into the beams of sunlight that were stabbing in through the window like ineffective assassins. Jesus stared at it, and then at the pink cup in his hand. Slowly, with his strained eyes never leaving it, he set the cup down and covered Rarity’s hoof with one calloused, muscled hand.
“If they’re your family, truly, they will love you and support you no matter what choices you make in life. They have supported every decision you’ve made so far, correct?”
“Yes...” she whispered, looking down into the infinite pool of tea in front of her, “they have.”
“Then love them back,” he said, sliding his hand back to his cup’s handle in one fluid motion. She blinked, and let loose a tired, thick sigh; like it would solve her problems.
“Now, about the price,” Jesus started.
“Oh, don’t worry, my dear. The price will stay where it is, no exceptions! Now-”
The doorbell rudely interrupted.
“I’ll be right there!” Rarity automatically shouted, making the chair scream as she shuffled it back and leapt down to the floor. She stepped over to the door, nimble as a mouse, and ignored the skipping record that was standing next to the front window. A tendril of sapphire magic latched itself onto the door handle, who didn’t object at all, and slowly cast the door open with a delicacy only found in the magic of an expert seamstress.
It was Twilight Sparkle, in all of her purple glory, and levitating beside her was a painted-white picnic basket, which was only mostly white, since it was covered in nicks and scratches that gave it a texture which would only be described eloquently as “worn.”
“Oh! Hello, Twilight. Is that...?”
“Yup!” Twilight said, presenting her friend the basket as if it were a pot of gold. “It’s your picnic basket! I found it in my tree-house just a few minutes ago! I guess it got stuck there during that twister a couple of days ago. You... wouldn’t want it back, right? You haven’t already bought a new one?”
“No, no... it’s perfectly alright, dear,” Rarity chuckled, nervously leaning back from the horribly mistreated cargo aid. “I’m sure I can do... something to repair it.” Twilight’s purple aura was replaced by Rarity’s blue and the beaten basket was tossed aside to be burned as fuel later.
“Thank you for coming by anyways, Twil -- oh! Twilight, dear, could you do a favor for me?” she asked. Her unicorn friend paused mid-turn, and craned her neck to look back.
“Of course, anything,” she answered, the tiniest and most innocent of smiles crawling across her lips.
“Could you tell the girls that I won’t be in Ponyville for the next few days? Only a couple, I promise, and if you could watch the Boutique for me I would be eternally grateful.”
“Oh... well okay! Where are you going?”
“Just a family reunion -- oh, I’m sorry, Twilight, but I have a customer waiting for me in there. Lovely tourist who needs a new robe,” Rarity said, turning her white backside to her friend. Twilight just nodded, the words bouncing around in her head like errant ping-pong balls, taking a few good seconds to collide off of all the right parts and land in their respective slots.
“Wait, robe?” she blurted out, one of the ping-pong players in her head doing a little jig to celebrate his victory. “Why a robe?”
Rarity stopped just short of slamming the door across her friend’s face, and looked back. “Well I’m not about to question his kind’s customs, no matter how weird they are. I’ve already learned that lesson. But yes, he wears a robe, and I’m replacing it for him.”
“Robe. Robed and not a pony. Just like...” Twilight trailed off, biting her lower lip, “like with Fluttershy. Is his name Jesus, by any chance?” she asked, two lightbulbs flicking on inside her brain, a little to the left of the ping-pong players. Rarity flinched at the sight, full-well knowing what that eager look on Twilight’s face meant.
“Why yes. Yes it is,” she said matter-of-factly, “and we were just wrapping up our business here. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I brought you in to introduce yourself. Come on in.” She stepped aside, and perhaps too quickly for Rarity’s tastes, Twilight skipped in.
“Well, I’m only asking because a little while ago, Fluttershy also met somepony who wasn’t a pony, and he wore a robe, and she said his name was Jesus. This can’t be a coincidence!”
“I’m sure it isn’t, but try not to be too hard on him about it. He seems like a nice... whatever he is,” Rarity said, trailing off into a mumble that was Fluttershy-worthy. They crossed through the entrance area, their hooves making only the lightest of sounds, even though, up close, one could hear the screams of squashed, miniscule bugs.***
“Ohhhh, Jesus! I hope you don’t mind,” Rarity called as they made their way into the kitchen and dining area, “but I’ve brought one of my fri-friends... what?”
In a scene that would become not at all unfamiliar to the lavender colored unicorn, whose eyes were beginning to take on a maddened twitch, the seat where Jesus had obviously been sitting in was empty, and stuck to the side of an empty neon pink cup was a note, held fast by an invisible force.
Rarity stared, her mouth agape, as Twilight whisked the note over to the two with nothing but a stray thought, and read the note aloud in a strained, almost creepily controlled voice.
“Sorry for leaving our business unfinished, Miss Rarity. I will arrive to pick up my finished robe and pay the allotted due when you have finished with it. It was a pleasure doing business with you, and I thank you for the lovely tea. - J
PS: The measurements are written on the backside of this note.”
Twilight let the note drop, her face now mirroring Rarity’s. It fluttered to the ground and landed, ever so gracefully, on the tile floor.
___________________________
*This particular cup of tea was actually the five hundred and second reincarnation of Prince Blueblood, who was unfortunately destined to have his life cut short by Rarity several hundred more times over.
**It was also Blueblood.
***All were Blueblood.
****This was Blueblood too.
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I... think I liked it. Have a thumbs up.
...I was expecting The Jesus from Big Lebowski.
Ah, well. This was funny, anyway.
Response to title: Wut.
But the story was pretty decent. 4/5 Moustaches.
dayum well played, you used Jesus smartly and curtiously. Very well done I must commend you for such skill!
Not bad, not bad at all.
This was great, I won't lie.
Can I post before people start saying things like "Hooray for Christianity" and similar shit?
Sequel!!! Did you write the first one too?
I don't know, author, I'm tempted to downvote. You went way too easy on Blueblood!
Kidding, kidding. Well, about the downvote, that is, not going too easy on Blueblood. This is actually quite entertaining, for the absurdity if nothing else.
Wasn't too bad, I guess?
What's the 4th footnote supposed to be for?
Are you doing all si...I dread Pinkie and Twilight's "teatime."
What started off your average story about a deity hopping dimensions to have tea with a magical talking horse...you know what? Forget it.
Thumbs up, all the same.
1221406>>1221370>>1221368
Before I start my actual reply, I must apologize in advance for.any tardiness on my part in replying to any comments. Currently (as this was all prewritten) I'm on a road trip, traversing the Midwestern US of A, and only able to type upon my phone with my catoonishly large and.fumbling fingers.
First, yes I am the author of the original "Fluttershy Has Tea With Jesus" fic. Yes, this is a direct sequel and I've decided to go all out and write four more, one for each pony and all with wildly different setting and scenarios. Think "Pinkie Pie Has Tea With Jesus," anyone?
Not too happy with this one. Originally it was supposed to be with Luna, and at some point someone suggested Hitler and the CMC. Don't think that will happen. Rarity is just boring to wrote for me, and I feel I didn't personify the setting like in the last one.
Secondly, the whole idea started both as a joke and the desire to prove religion doesn't have.to be flammatory, and that you don't have to make fun of Jesus it Christians to be entertaining. So if you could tone down on those comments in the future, thanks.
You kids enjoy this while I'm on vacation.
I'm eager to see moar! Sweet fics man!
Nice, but a little harsh with BlueBlood. He was rude. He dies a million deaths by Rarity.
Hitler nearly took over the world. He might meet the CMC.
Who has it tougher anyway?
Yes.
Strongly reminded me of Adam Douglas' style. Loved this story. I especially loved the subtle references to Hitchikers guide to the galaxy
Well done
The footnotes were awesome.
A uncontroversial story involving Jesus. Very nice. Semi-related, the name "Jesus" can also be pronounced "Hay-suse". I can't know for sure which way the ponies were pronouncing it, but I'm leaning towards the latter given their affinity for horse-related puns.
Yeah, the setting could have been more surreal but yknow what? I think this one is on par with the last. Two for two, 10/10 worst fic of the year, two enthusiastic thumbs up, and twenty-seven gold stars with a perfect score of 57.5 each, that brings your total score to one
and a bag of Cheetos. Arbitrary rating system is arbitrary, wutchugonnadoaboutit?
1222068
You make me want to stab myself
with a beachball
<3
1221556 What about Karl Marx and the Apple Family? x3
Liking this series. Keeping an eye on the rest of 'em.
While I'm certainly no authority on the matter, this seems to me as exactly how Jesus should be be portrayed - polite, humble, wise, and profound; the sort of person who doesn't need to preach his ways because he leads by example so well. Excellent story.
Was really hoping this was written by Bill O'reilly but sadly it wasn't. He's the one that makes hilarious stories with ridiculous titles like these. Nonetheless the story was pretty good. 4/5 from this commando... speaking of O'reilly, has anybody heard anything about him?
Because fuck you, Blueblood.
kingtiger 6:66 - O Retsamoreh, I pray that you might, in your divine wisdom, write more of this series quickly, that we may dwell in your house of fanfiction forever.
You know what'd be cool? If every one of these is perfectly calm and inoffensive, and then the very last one is a horrific bloodbath.
1222878
How on earth would that be cool? That just doesn't make sense. There IS an actual plot going on here and I can assure you it's not even remotely headed in that direction
If you'll permit me a moment of ridiculous over-the-top overanalysis ...
This story is secretly a scathing metacommentary on modern Christianity. Call it the Parable of the Ponies.
Back in the roots of his religion, Jesus' ministry was the meek and humble. Now, however, in the modern era of megachurches and televangelists, he speaks directly to those who would have once been cast out as moneychangers in the temple. As hard as he tries to get his message through -- and keep the message uncorrupted -- ultimately the desires of those he speaks with will shape how he is perceived and interpreted.
He still rejects the display of ostentatious wealth, but his church will not accept for him to be less than "fabulous", and so he must trade in his traditional garb for new fineries.
His message of love still comes through, but is recast into an entreaty to love your family (the community of already connected believers) instead of loving the world. Significantly, those who have wronged his chosen ones are shown as doomed to eternal torment.
Science, despite forever chasing him, will never find him.
So now you're doing it like Hollywood and will make six sequels of "Fluttershy has Tea with Jesus" ? Not sure how to feel about this...
The original was very good, in fact it's still my favourite oneshot on this site, but I fear that the idea might wear out and get a bit dull and repetitive. Of course I'm hoping that this will not be the case and that you will make each short interesting in a different way.
HE'S BLUEBLOOD, HE'S BLUEBLOOD. IIIIII'M BLUEBLOOD.
Any other Bluebloods I should know about?
Couldn't help myself. Have 5 moustaches out of 5
'Pinkie Pie has Tea with Jesus' promises to be -very- fun. I can't imagine Pinkie'd be anything but totally accepting of the guy.
Very amusing couple of fics so far, here's to four more good ones! Write on!
Jesus Christ went to the Glorious Appearing riding Celestia to kick the Anti-Christ's flank.
You had me at Tea, Earl Grey, not very hot.
In very much the same way that Arthur Dent kept killing that one guy, and then, in the final reincarnation, he became blueblood, who then got killed repeatedly by rarity.
1224770 your chair is blueblodd, you're suffocating him as you read this.
1573842
Congrats on being the first to notice that. I loved that part in HGTTG and felt the need to pay homage in some way.
1575029 rainbow dash is really good at throwing herself at the ground really really hard, and missing.
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/052/4/8/jesus_troll_face_by_kingsidorak-d4qjc58.png
DO MORE!
Ven though I don't believe in reincarnatio, that joke at the end was amazing.
Thumbs up to ou! I am excited to see where this story goes!
Was the end from the Hitchiker's Guide series?
1228777
When's this coming out? :?
2359435
Whenever I get around to writing it.
I planned to do one for every pony in the main 6.
Well that was a delightfully amusing story. If only all stories with Jesus in it were just as amusingly delightful.
Jesus ftw!
Ha, who says Our Lord and Savior doesn't have a sense of humor?
Best Christian story on this site.
Blessed be,
Khelben
this was so unusual to me(not to say it was bad,just not what I read on a daily basis) that I got up and took a walk around my house
Even though I myself am not Christian, I really enjoy these short stories of yours!