• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Twilight Star


I like to write stories about the shippings: TwiLuna, MoonLight, NightmareRarity, RariLuna, NightmareNightmare, ChryLight, TempestLight and LunaCord

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It has been a twelve hundred years since my best friends died and one year since my royal adivisor died. One morning, I started to hear a voice similar to mine. This voice is the same as mine, but more malign, tyrannical. And the voice asks me to let my anger take control of me. And after what I'm feeling, I don't see why I shouldn't accept it. Because after all, I already lost those I loved...

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 37 )

A couple of spelling and grammer errors but good so far.

10228622
Sorry about the mistakes. I'll correct it

In moments of grief in which Twilight could not accept the fate bestowed upon her by destiny, it is easy for her to surrender her soul to give in into being Midnight Sparkle. It is an interesting read, and the advancement of the plot in terms of how Midnight Sparkle will enact this “revenge” against Celestia would make a promising fight/reformation scene...perhaps?

There’s still a few language errors to be corrected, but other than that, a nice start to the story.

What a coincidence I was thinking of making a story where Twilight turns into a dark alicorn myself. Though I have a different name in mind.

10230751
I don't know. Since the plot of the story usually develops as I write the chapters. But I won't deny that I was thinking about it

You say it's two hundred thousand years since they retired here? So they seriously did not notice the bad stuff going on sooner?

10232199
It was that they were busy enjoying retirement and did not notice the changes

10232215
Seems way way WAY too long. I mean Celestia and Luna were close to Twilight. Immortals might have a different sense of time but they would have to be really ignorant to not notice something like that happening in Equestria for that long. We know they have newspapers in their world. Word would reach them much sooner I think. But hey, your story.

Midnight stopped laughing and said with an evil smile on her face, “The Elements of Harmony were destroyed a long time ago by King Sombra, Celestia!”

I want to see if you bring him back just like Discord dressed as Grogar, All great Queens need a King?

Where is Discord speaking of which, he is Immortal and would be floating around somewhere surely.

Another issue here is that it's only been a thousand years. Dragons are capable of living for thousands of years, or so people believe and it is shown that Embers dad was around a thousand years before the series. Spike would still be alive, unless he had a very short lifespan for a dragon. Also, you could explain why Twilight isnt considering suicide, she can still be killed by other means just as jumping off a balcony.

The Great King Sombra and Queen Midnight of Equestira. Soon the land of Crystals will shater and the Umbrum will rise. Once more Equesitra will go back into darkness!!!!!!!!

This will be good.

“Me too, Sombra.” I brought my horn close to Sombra’s horn while smiling, not in an evil way, but in a loving way. Sombra didn’t know what that feeling was, but he liked to feel it. He was going to ask me what that feeling later.

He may know if you are going to add in the comic lore of King Sombra

Where's Cadence and Flurry shouldn't they be alive?

“But why not, Twilight?” asked Midnight, now confused by my answer. “You would be demonstrating what you feels.”

Slight typo. Should be "what you feel."

Don't mean to nitpick, you can delete my comment once it's fixed. Also, keep it up.

10230752
Teardrop Star. Sorry for late reply, dont recall getting a notification.

10243143

I was happy and surprised at the same time. Happy that Cadence and Flurry were destroyed and the crystal heart was broken, and surprised that the Crystal Empire was in ruins because it no longer had a ruler and the crystal heart was broken. I might as well become the king of the Crystal Empire, but if I did that, I would have stayed there and Midnight here in the castle we were in now. And I didn’t want to be away from Midnight. It is better that I stay in Canterlot with Midnight, since it was announced today that I would rule with her.

I have one question will Sombra free his people The Umbrum ( from IDW comics)

They need a army that can control fear

10245252
I am writing the next chapter, maybe I will write at the end of the chapter that they release the Umbrum

10237281
Spike should probably also be. Unless he was killed.

Well that was a good ending

Sombra is alive that is good. Maybe Sombra will marry Twilight

Not bad, at least Twilight has found love. Though if I go through with my dark alicorn story it wont end well.

10232997
It wouldnt surprise me if after Fluttershy died he stopped making chaos and faded away like in that Season 7 episode Discordant Harmony or whatever. But that didnt happen here.

Why is she repeatedly calling Spike her royal advisor and not her brother?

One title should be more important than the other.

10268551
She never really called him her brother in the show except for Season 9 in only 1 episode. Number one assistant was always dominant, now its royal advisor.

Taking another look and the very first sentence says thousand three hundred years. That makes no sense. Also Celestia is unaware of the elements of harmony being destroyed by King Sombra. That is RIDICULOUS Twilight would have reported the whole thing after defeating him. The Young Six were aware of it, it wasnt some secret.

This is good, but you should really fix your grammar. For example,

I looked to the side sadly as I started to cry again. “My friends and royal advisor died. It has been several years since the death of my friends and five hundred years after Spike’s death... I wish I could get rid of my immortality to die too, but I can’t...” I laid my head on the blanket as I started crying again. “... And the worst, I’m feeling a bad feeling in me...”

Midnight Sparkle came over to me and stroked my mane. “What bad feeling are you feeling, Twilight?”

Still crying, I replied, “I-i feel angry that Celestia made me an alicorn. Thanks to her, I can’t join my friends and Spike afterlife. I don’t know what else to do. I want to retire, but I can’t.”

One, didn’t Twilight’s friends die first and then Spike? Two, Spike should be referred to as a brother. Three, “I can’t join my friends and Spike afterlife.“ should be “I can’t see them again in heaven.”

10410214

One, didn’t Twilight’s friends die first and then Spike? Two, Spike should be referred to as a brother. Three, “I can’t join my friends and Spike afterlife.“ should be “I can’t see them again in heaven.”

1-Yes, first it was Twilight's friends, then it was Spike

2- Yes, but remember that he became the royal advisor for Twilight

3- I will correct this sentence

10410227
Okay. Also, Midnight’s cutie mark has 8 points.

I don’t like when villains state outright that they are evil and tyrannical. I would have Midnight Sparkle instead say that this is the beginning of an era of order and peace.

This story is almost entirely plot driven. Not a bad idea, but for more emotion more words. For something sweet and simple, this is great

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