• Member Since 24th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen January 10th

Vohira


Live long and listen to good music...

T
Source

What should one do when they find their current knowledge lacking? After the changeling attack, Twilight has to answer that question and for her the solution is simple enough. But her chosen path may yet turn out to be her downfall. Will the cost of knowledge be too high? Or will she be victorious in her journey into the paths of darker magic? One way or another Twilight will find it out as she learns under her new teacher. There is however one thing everypony close to Twilight should remember, that history likes to repeat itself...

**********

A/N: Tags will probably be added as the story progresses. Updates may be irregular. Flames will be ignored, constructive criticism is welcomed. Now the image: background by me (and it shows), NMM recolor by DoctorXFizzle.

Chapters (14)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 343 )

In the description it's should be its

This could go places.

Continue. Like+track

This has quite a bit of potential, and going from the cover art, I'm hoping this will be a twilacorn story.

Ok, I'm going to say this now. This has tons of grammar and spelling errors, way too many for me to actually count. I'm going to say this now: You're going to NEED a proofreader if you're going to continue this. Otherwise, the story's going to be harder to tell, and people aren't going to like it. This can go places, it just needs work.

See above comment.

Just a few grammar errors I will point out for you.

'With her eyes half closed and a heavy sigh, her miss adventures of the day'

It should be misadventures, it is a word.

'Cadence was smiling, Shining Armor was just looking happy.'

Did you mean 'looking just as happy?

'Celestia looked at her sister. She had to admit, she didn't saw her so excited from almost a year.'

I don't know what you were trying to say there.

'Such underhanded plays were below her, she knew, but she just didn't want to loose Twilight.'

Lose not Loose, common mistake.

'“I propose sister that we ended this meting. I will take my leave if there is nothing more to add.'

Meeting

That's it! Like the story so far!:pinkiehappy:

Sorry if I came off a bit condescending, my teachers are very thorough if you will.

EDIT: I saw the comments above and your A/N, if you really are on no schedule I could be your proofreader if you want.

Great job! This really has some potential, keep it up! Also what pony in there right mind would dislike this?
Favorite+Like+I'm watching you, "insert creepy laugh here".

1139149 I agree. Reading this story I can see a lot of potential, but the spelling errors and grammar/punctuation/wording related errors are really holding this story back. Otherwise a solid prologue, I'd advise using Googledocs if you can't get a proofreader as it has a built-in spell checker which can be extremely helpful.

This is a very interesting story, but it is packed with grammar errors and typos. FreezeYoshi already put it best, so I won't beat you over the head with it any more. I look forward to see where this goes, but look into getting yourself an editor or at the very least a pro-reader.

I love the concept.
Who will protect equestria when Princess Celesita gets taken out? and Luna is asleep?
Twilight. She just needs a little more training. :twilightsmile:
Hopefully Celestia has shown Twily enough wisdom that she will be able to avoid the most obvious pitfalls of darker power. Hopefully she will be smart enough to ask for help to avoid the less obvious dangers as well. :twilightblush:

1139149 1139500 Well, I put my faith into the OpenOffice built-in spell check for this chapter but seeing this I'm beginning to have doubts about it. Also, punctuation always wasn't my strong side when it came to grammar, as I tend to suggest myself after my native language which isn't English.

1139217 Thx, for pointing this out.

1140751 Most of the spelling errors are actually correct spellings of words, just not the word that should be used in context. Your errors are almost exclusively things like "tee" instead of "tea," or missing possessive modifiers (ex. Twilight vs Twilight's)

1141612 Hmm... I knew I forgot about something... It's been a while since I have written something longer in English.

thumbs up ,and track
ps: damm u grammar nazi :twilightangry2:

Dis gonna be gud. Looking forward to what happens next, but you do need a proofreader.

She felt indebted to the purple mare, now she had a chance to take care of that... and more.

*Looks at tags*
Dammit, no Twiluna!

A/N: Rating is set as such to be safe, updates may be irregular. Tags will be added as the story progresses.

*Raises eyebrow*
Hope springs eternal.

beside spelling errors this is pretty nice :twilightsmile:

The poor grammar hurts what is otherwise a decent story.

1149597 It's being worked on and at the time of uploading next chapter, the prologue should have a more decent grammar (next chapter also).

1149611

That's good. As long as you work on improving it, you will get better at it.

I look forward to reading more.


Also, I recommend improving the story description. People judge books by their cover, and the description is the most important part of your fic's cover. It's the difference between thousands of views and obscurity for many stories.

The writing has indeed improved. While there are still some mistakes, they're small and can very easily be fixed. Otherwise, this is getting interesting...

The writing has improved far beyond what I anticipated. And the story is enjoyable to read. :heart:

Drive. Intelligence. Creativity. (what i expect to be Luna's verdict about Twilight)
I also expect that Twilight knows far more offensive magic than she realizes. The spells she already know just need to be used .. Creatively ...to get full benefit. (and maby a bit of malice)
:twilightsmile: :heart:

1162420 1162810 Well, practice makes perfect as they say. Also having a proof reader (A Fox in Equestria) helped.

1163138 We shall see... :raritywink:

This was very well done, nice job! Also you might want to read Night's Favored Foal to get some inspiration, just a suggestion.

very nice tracking now see at the next update

i like were this story is going:pinkiesmile:

I couldn't help but imagine Luna wearing Scarecrow's mask and saying "What do you fear?". Gun chapter, a little short but it was still good and we got Luna battling Twilight for training and science.:twilightsmile:

Why is everypony going off course? Does this take place on a ship? A plane?

1182051 Well maybe it's because I wrote the chapter listening to Batman Begins OST... :pinkiehappy:

1182102 Wait, what? I can't figure out what are you asking... :rainbowhuh:

This could be interesting. I'll read it when I have a moment.

1182216

You keep using "off course" when you want "of course".

1183744 Ooooh... It's one of those things you don't notice until it's pointed out. Thx. :twilightsheepish:

1185394

Yup, and I was trying (read: failing) to be snarky about it :rainbowwild:

reminds me of Batman begins. although i see where Batman had to stop his mentor, i will see Luna have to face what she created. good story so far

This is a great concept and I'm sure you can do a lot with it, but there are quite a few errors. I found one in particular to be incredibly annoying, that being the lack of a period at the end of a sentence the characters said. Once again, great story! Looking forward to more.

First.

Anyways good chapter. It was really good and hopefully you come out with a new chapter soon.

Still interesting. now you writers need to stop post so late/early so i can sleep.

Very interesting! I can't wait to see how this pans out!

Another thing, though. This story was added to the Alicorn Twilight group. Regardless of who added it, I must ask: will Twilight turn into an alicorn at any point in the story? If not, it needs to be removed. If so, and it won't be terribly spoiled to reveal that, I will move it into the Will Become Alicorn folder for now. If you want to tell me the answer via PM to avoid spoiling it one way or another, that's fine. Either way, please let me know as soon as possible so proper categorization can happen. :twilightsmile:

Great chapter, I like Luna's description of Battle-magic and how it must be used. Poor Twilight, trying to juggle her friends and her new lessons. Looking forward to the next chapter. :twilightsmile:

i.qkme.me/7hr0.jpg


Keep up the good work. Can't wait to see what you have in mind for some spells. :pinkiehappy:

I'm enjoying the storyline here, but your writing feels stilted and awkward in places. Also, you have a bad habit of running sentences without appropriate punctuation.

Your proofreader is consistently getting punctuation around quotation marks wrong, as well. Just a note.

1234777 Give me an example of the awkwardness and I will try to work on it.

1234834
I was going to ask if English was a second language for you, but didn't want to be rude.

Things that stand out to a casual inspection:
You use 'a bit <adjective>' right in front of a noun a lot, eg 'a bit sleepy Spike entered the room.' 'Bit' isn't used like that - when you use 'bit' to diminish an adjective like that, you put the whole structure after the noun, eg 'Spike was a bit sleepy.' When you want to use it with a noun-verb-noun structure like you did, you have two options - ditch the diminutive and use an adverb, eg 'Spike sleepily entered the room', or use a referring word to put the adjective after everything, eg 'Spike entered the room, looking a bit sleepy'.

A lot of wonky participle use. Incorrect tenses with 'has/had/have', 'The' used where 'That' could have been, that sort of thing.

As for generally feeling 'more natural' in English, my advice honestly would be to read more natural-English fiction and use that as a guide to phrasing things.

1234858 It would not be rude, it would be a valid question.

I'm still getting back to the level of skill I had around 3 years ago. Didn't have much occasions to use my English until now so it got rusty... But thank you for pointing this out.

mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1619-a93Cs.jpg

I am greatly looking forward to more of this. The way you characterize Twilight is coming along quite well. :twilightsmile:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!