• Member Since 11th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 3rd, 2013

Field_Marshal_Luna


T
Source

You know the story of Nightmare Moon. Or so you think. What many do not know is that before she was banished, she had a foal of her own. Many people do not know, not even the Princess. Which is good otherwise she would have seen right through my disguise. My name is Shadow Moon but everypony over the past thousand years have called me Twilight Sparkle and this is my story.

Covert art by Giulia Beck

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 227 )

twilight evil alicorn???:applejackconfused:
:twilightoops::twilightoops:
I LIKE IT!!!!:heart::heart::heart::heart:

Obviously the first chapter is just laying the groundwork for NMM's return, so not overly concerned with the repetition of the show.

Good things:
Obviously, I like the premise of the story. I assume that as chapters go on we will find out more of how this all came about. Especially how Twilight has been able to stay hidden.
Also, the flow was pretty good. I never felt as though I was reading a screenplay or a list of actions that the characters are doing.

Things to take into consideration:
With inner thoughts you are currently designating them with single 's. Might be a bit easier on the eyes if you changed it to italics. the west of the market was what Fluttershy had described, ‘Hmm, ha it does kinda look like a tent!’ I trotted towards the entrance and opened the door, as it opened a ....

If I think of anything else I'll post again. As it stands I'm looking forward to more.

Cheers,:twilightsmile:

Okay...
*Knuckles Cracked*
Lets get down to business. First off I love you idea with this story. The whole idea of Twilight being Nightmare Moon foal in-disguised is both original and simple.
I always held a preference to darker Twilight focused fanfic that essentially involve Nightmare moon to play a part as a major role in the story. I think you pulled off the first chapter wonderfully. In fact, within the four lines in I was immensely drawn into the story and also for your first story you did a great laying out the framework for the whole story.
Now the only thing that I could see wrong with the story was a few Capitalization errors with proper nouns and that it.



You sir have earn my respect and a like and favorite and I shall be watching you for on.
Keep up the Good Work!

1854556 Yeh there was a bit of an error with the italics, it was italics on the original document so I will get Field to get that fixed. And I am glad you guys are all enjoying the story :pinkiehappy:

Your getting a watch and favorite bitch :pinkiehappy:

1854791 Okay thanks for pointing that out I will go through the first chapter and get Field to re-upload it and thanks it was actually really hard to make it believable for twilight to be bitchy but if you think twilight is bitchy now... wait till next chapter :pinkiecrazy:

Okay, first off: I love the concept and the start has me intrigued.

However, as others have pointed out there were some technical problems with the story. Fix those and this story is solid.

Still, I am up voting this and adding to my favourites.

Looking forward to more!

interseting
where is spike?
does he not exist in this universe?

Huh, mature and 'I dont give a fuck' Twi, No spike, and hidden mother-daughter relations. I look forward to more!

This could use some work, and don't forget to use conjunctions.
Besides that, I'd like to see where this goes. :twilightsmile:

Not bad. Some missing commas, but that's standard fare for first fics and not debilitating unless it's never fixed and continues to exist in future chapters.

the swearing seems a bit over used and that kinda ruins it. Also I usually don't care about grammer but there where some areas the drove me nuts. take care of that it would be a good story,

1854556 Thanks mate, this really helps a lot cheers:twilightsmile:
1854565 Thanks! I'll get my mate and we'll sort this out so we can fix those problems:twilightsmile:
1854708 O....K.....THANKS:twilightsmile::twilightsmile:
1854791 Will get to work on those, THANKS:twilightsmile:
1854861 Thanks, since I'm not flying out to America we'll get the next chapter up asap
1855490 Will keep that in mind thanks:twilightsmile:
WHO MISSED THE THUMBS UP????!?!?!??! not you guys above but to the general population.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

Capitalization. Punctuation. Spacing.

Those three elements have a lot of errors in this short set up of the story. Premise has promise, as, well, a lot of folks enjoy the Twilight and Nightmare Moon combo when they are put together. But, right now, I basically skimmed through it after reading the first 20 lines or so, as the errors kept me from really reading it in depth. A little cleaning will go a loooooong long way for you.

1856410 ok thats what I needed. Thanks for getting me off my lazy arse:twilightsmile: going to correct and re-upload

Promising story is promising.:twilightsmile:

I have to say this fic looks promising. There is a lot of potential here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SCREW IT UP! :flutterrage:

1856742
Good. This is a most excellent turn of events. :pinkiehappy:

Well, the descriptions aren't very good, and the dialogue leaves much to be desired, but the concept of Twilight being Nightmare Moon's daughter is really quite intriguing. But what about her parents? Or Shining Armor? How is she Celestia's student? I hope you won't just overlook these questions, since that bit of backstory with NMM is actually entirely irrelevant and explains nothing. You could remove it and lose nothing. In fact, if you just made it a surprise that Twilight is NMM's daughter, that'd actually be pretty cool. Finally, using big words doesn't always make you look smarter. In fact, using words like anthracite only serve to make you look desperate. It's like if Lovecraft vomited on Dickens and cleaned it up with Tolkein's underwear. But anyway, let's see where this goes.

This is what i call " a story worth a follow!"
+Good work you're making, sir :) :heart:

1856867 Yes all of those questions will be answered, some quicker than others, for instance we did not find out about shinning armour until season 2 and thanks for you critique, but for the big words anthracite is a colour and I didn't want to just say her grey mane... but everyone has their own opinions. I hope you enjoy the further chapters though.

Disclaimer: The following review is intended to be helpful. If it offends, please disregard in its entirety. :twilightsheepish:

The premise interested me enough to give it a go, but there are a lot of errors here. I'm not going to say anything about word choice - except for 'anthracite', since her hair is apparently made of coal. Why not 'jet black'? Anyway, I'm still curious about what you intend to do with the story, but it could really use a bit of proofing. Here's a sample paragraph:

“Goodbye Rarity, I will see you at the celebration.” I turned around and walked out of the door, ‘God it’s been a long day. I can’t wait till I can just go to sleep’ As I left the boutique I noticed the moon was slowly rising, the image of a mare on the moon slowly lifted above the horizon, the mare was linked to the legend of ‘The mare of the moon’ but I know Nightmare Moon will be released tomorrow, I slowly made my way to my temporary home, as I enjoyed the cool air hitting my coat, finally I was at the library; it was a large tree and was near the town centre

So I'm seeing missing punctuation and a huge run-on sentence right off the bat. Here's how it should look (including italics for thoughts, which just sets them off more clearly):

“Goodbye, Rarity, I will see you at the celebration.” I turned around and walked out of the door. ‘God, it’s been a long day. I can’t wait till I can just go to sleep.’ As I left the boutique I noticed that the moon was slowly rising. The image of a mare on the moon slowly lifted above the horizon; the mare was linked to the legend of ‘The Mare of the Moon’, but I know Nightmare Moon will be released tomorrow. I slowly made my way to my temporary home as I enjoyed the cool air hitting my coat. Finally I was at the library; it was a large tree and was near the town centre.

You could also spend some more time on description and give us some background for why Twilight is so cranky, though I suppose the latter part will be explained in later chapters. Overall it seems very rushed, as if you wrote it very quickly just to get it out. I'd recommend spending some time on editing and maybe find a beta reader to give you a hand, since you already have a building audience.

HOW MANY UNIVERSES ARE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :flutterrage:

1857706 Thanks mate will try to punch out all the errors.:twilightsmile:

NMM is best mom, I hope:twilightoops:

I really like these kind of stories, where Twilight has a different backstory and this one looks particulary interesting. Fav'd and upvoted and I'll be eagerly awaiting the next chapter

1858292 thanks mate, will try to update asap and get out all the damned errors:twilightsmile:

i don't know what "After touch" does for you, but if he's editing/proofreading; get one more; he missed quite a few things (assuming that he did help you with that), preferably one that can pre-read and give you constructive feedback about how you're writing it as well.

the beginning had good potential; but turned out pretty stale (the NMM part) in the end. it was too short and didn't really build any anticipation.

lots of swearing, excessive swearing is pretty flow-breaking. as well as the swearing; twilight is kinda OOC, she's way more brutal than she should be. she was more annoyed than anything in the show.

i don't really like first person view that much, but it's a style i guess.

hmmmm...... i'm thinking this has the potential to be an excellent story.. i hope you update soon :)

Hmmm, I don't think Twilight should know NNM is her mother. But maybe that's just me...
Apart from that; it's a really fine story.

This is a nice concept. lets see another chapter.

1860552 I kinda wanted to follow the first episode just to show how much this Twilight is much different from the first episode or any other story out there. Also thanks I WILL NOT LET YOU ALL DOWN!

This looks promising but I noticed a few grammar mistakes making twilight sound like English is her second language and this is coming from a dyslexic that can't spell for all the money in the world and has to use spell check constantly so grammar mistakes that I pick up are, well they shouldn't be there.
Maby getting a pre reader would help
But overall I think you should continue and I hope that you can make this story as amazing as it can be

1860635 My editor and I are British so there are some spelling differences, but if your also from the U.K. then.....nvm:twilightsheepish:

I'm from nz but I sort of went of tangent with the spelling part of my comment sorry, it was just some of it read like you were trying to give twighlight a stereotypical Russian accent

And sorry for the bit of a rant earlyr it sort of gave the wrong impression of what I was trying to say hopefully this comment will get it across better

If you want to know the bit that stood out lots was when twilight said "Uh sure, now please I am going to bed I’ve had a very long day.”

Or maby I'm crazy and you should just ignor every thing I just said

sounds good. Can't wait for more

1858257 Well it is called the multiverse, so there is probably an infinite amount of them :twilightsheepish:

Well, well, well, you've done it, you got me hooked on a new story that look very promising, and while there is errors and unknowns, like where the hay is Spike, I can see where you come from because I have the exact same story-building mode, that said, I have only a few things to add ,so here:
:moustache: :twilightsmile: :yay: :ajsmug: :rainbowkiss: :pinkiesmile: :raritywink: :eeyup:
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/022/1/7/175a86bf037e964ba562ea0fdee1671c-d4nb70q.jpg

I'm curious. What groups did you submit to to get 500 reads in the first day?

I REQUEST MORE INTERESTING CHAPTERS ON MY DESK ASAP If you don't mind, :moustache:

1861439 Of cause I don't mind :ajsmug: I will be starting chapter two tonight when I get back from a party :twilightsheepish:

me and my furry little friends have been practicing all morning!
And which of those birds are furry?
Technically, it should also be "my feathered friends and I".

It is a very interesting concept but I did read a few stories that Twilight is Luna's daughter but not Nightmare Moon. I am sorry but when I was reading the comments there was some people that wanted to know what happened to Spike. Can you let us in on that? I will fallow this and see what happens.

1863941 well thank you first of all and let be known SPIKE WILL BE IN THIS I'M NOT SURE HOW I WANT HIM TO BE IN THE STORY THOU DON'T WORRY EXPECTED APPEARANCE IS PROBABLY CHAPTER 3 :twilightsmile: but that is an announcement for everybody since it seems no one reads my blogs:facehoof: but yea

Login or register to comment