An American soldier, dedicated to his country, who has seen and fought in many wars, seeks out a way to escape his war ridden world and finds a new one. A planet free of death and wars. Where friendship, harmony and peace were plentiful. Or so he had first thought.
He came to the magical world of Equss to escape war, but now finds himself needed for it once again.
But this world was different. This time he could do something to truly stop evil. But that requires power. Power he will claim. Even if he has to shake the very foundations of Equestria to get it.
(Takes place before Luna/Nightmare Moon's return.)
[embed] https://youtu.be/qWgRZrqjGSc [/embed]
Chapters (20)
Please try and make it easier to distinguish characters speak and other text.
If you all want longer chapters just ask. I will be glad to extend them.
If not, I will try to keep them within 2000, 3000 and 4000 words long.
Thank you all!
10100277
Yes please make them longer if you can thanks.
10100277
imo a rule of thumb to follow is that chapters should be no less then 1500-2000 words to 4000-5000 words so its not short like 900 words and the reader is left wanting more and not 8000 words were the reader will get burnt out on the length and doesnt feel dragged out
I have got two questions, but if you can't answer them without giving out spoilers you don't have to answer.
Will there be an explanation later on how or why he got the power he has?
And will there be an explanation how he learned to control them, or can he just control them by default ?
Pretty neat so far, I look forward to more! I've no real complaints other than a few grammar errors.
If I might be able to assist, may I recommend using different text and punctuation to denote who's speaking, rather than their name?
* Thoughts *
~Talion's mental speaking~
"Normal Speaking"
{"Foreign Language"} (for example, Diamond Dog)
Also, I agree with Raggedcozy, longer chapters of about 4000-ish words would be great!
I'm not sure if my tablet will do it, and my laptop died recently, but I'd be happy to try to edit for you, if you'd like. Send me a message sometime.
Oh you, taking the intro speech for Wings of Liberty. Still, it had its effect. Made me pretty excited to continue.
You called craters 'creators' near the beginning of the story.
I would like to thank you all for your kind comments and support.
Thank you for pointing out any mistakes in the spelling. As I said before, I am writing this on a tablet. So there is a stupid auto correct on here. Other mistakes are mine.
10100430
Thank you for your support and showing me how to improve my writing!
10100422
I'm gonna answer both. Although I can't give out to much info.
Yes. There will be an explanation for both in the chapters coming up. You all might find it very interesting.
Oh and I already have a general idea for how I want this story to go. But if any of you have ideas about the main six and princesses for me, I will take a look at them.
Read this, and it's really well done. Keep it up.
Pfft, the only thing this world needs is me.
You all know it, yer just jelly of my Super Saiyan swagger.
Is it a colt or a filly? I know we learn in the story, but damn, unless you’re doing a gender thing, they’re mutually exclusive.
Also, for speech, just use quotation marks and voice tags. (for example: “My name it Talion,” said Talion.). You can look at most work on this site for further examples.
10100828
Lol. Sorry I made a mistake. Its a colt.
So.. Talion?
Or Lich King kind of domination/mind reading/undeath?
10101138
If your asking what Talion is, you will have to wait for it to be revealed later. I hope you enjoy the story!
Like the WoL intro u put in, Well Done!
It's really throwing me off seeing the characters name before seeing "Text like this" which is usually meant for thoughts.
10100904
It’s nothing to apologize for.
Rereading my original comment, I worry I come across too hostile. I don’t mean to insult in any way, only offer critic in hopes of helping the work.
10101234
I shall remove them if there a distraction.
10101267
Na. Your good mate. Besides I want everyone to let me know about any mistakes I make.
The formating on this is excrutiating. Please for the love of god, use paragraphs and space them apropriatly. This looks like a hot mess, and it affects the flow and reading of an otherwise wonderful story.
10101830
I will try my best.
10101897
Also, while I'm being pedantic, utilizing the half dozen different in italics, in qoutes thing is just plain annoying. Use In qoutes for speaking, in italics for internal monologues, and just say something like. "I pointed at the wolves. sit." It gets incredibly confusing sometimes which further detracts from the story.
10101275
If it messes up your writing or hinders you at all then don't change anything.
Sorry for the complaint.
Good story, interesting chapter and i hope to read more the foreseeable future.
Hey everyone. So I was going to put out a chapter yesterday, but a few things happened.
When I finally had the time to write, I saw a few comments telling me about some mistakes. So I went to fix them all as best I could.
Don't feel bad for telling me about them! I think I'm now getting the hang of how to write this story. And it saved me time so I don't have to re edit every chapter.
But please be kind.
Short Chapters..maybe make them longer 5000max not to long but also not to short. Overall good, a good start not some overused *cough* Merchant Story...
Gonna put it on Fav and Read later!
I heard that form starcraft but good ahahahahaha
Thank you everyone for the short wait. The next chapter is out and I hope you all enjoy it!
Tell me what you all think and feel free to ask any questions.
Thank you all for supporting me!
nice pacing
no spelling errors
great intro for Talion
nice storytelling
This is still incredibly messy and downright difficult to read, so I'll give you a few tips. One, this will help.
Two. Stories arent comic books, you cant say Boom! POW!
Describe what happens with your words, dont just put something in bold, that works for visual mediums, not written ones. Instead of boom, say "A sudden deafening explosion knocked our hero to the ground, the sheer volume making his ears ring, and sent his whole world spinning."
When someone speaks it should be structured like this.
"Hi, hows it going." Dave welcomed.
Not like this.
Dave said.
"Hi, hows it going?"
Paragraphs have one space between them, look above. All paragraphs should have a space between them otherwise it looks messy, and terrible if that is not the case. Also for some reason you have all diologue in italics which is bad for several reasons. One, its just ugly, two, it takes a tool out of the writers toolbox. For example.
"I dont want to talk to her." Jeff spat.
And
"I dont want to talk to her." Jeff spat.
Both have a different feel to them, note how the first line puts emphasis on the her, making it feel angry. While in the second one it feels slightly more neutral.
You also add line breaks in the middle of someone talking which looks downright awful, and reads like garbage. That kind of style is used pretty much exclusively for poetry and does not work if its just a random line of dialogue.
Links within the story are not terrible, but they are very, very jarring when done poorly, like in this story. Reading something like this and then seeing "Starboy by the white stripes" Suddenly pop up rips you right out of the story. Try adding a simple link in the author's notes, or by adding the link directly into the story so you dont pull your reader right out of said story.
One last thing. Numbers should always be written out like four, not 4. Again, this is a written medium, not a comic book.
There is more, but I wont bother with them. It also seems like you have not read a normal book or story before, so I'd advise you do that. See what other writers do, and see how clean, and easy their stories read and then copy that.
10104508
Ok now. I fixed some of the errors. The links will stay the same though. You can always just skip the songs and play them later if you want.
I will continue editing this story.
But for now, can I hear something else from you? Like how do you like the storytelling?
I mean you haven't commented about that yet.
I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but I would like to hear something else other than constant telling me how to fix things.
10104615
It's not bad per say, but the errors drag down the story to the point that its hard to even push through it all to keep going.
Your dialogue needs work, as right now it feels a little janky as well as slanted, and unnatural. Tallion randomly dumping a chunk of his backstory and giving that little spiel about his sword felt forced, and strange.
Also, you should also either explain the MC's powers in a little more detail sometime. A good thing to keep in mind when writing these stories is that not everyone will know who Tallion is, and what all of his abilities are. Plus, the world that he's in might change those abilities, and you may wish to omit some as it may be confusing. A good rule to follow is to always treat the audience as if they know nothing. You don't always have to explain everything mind you, as mystery is good, but you should slowly reveal more and more so that way your audience has a decent understanding of his strengths and weaknesses before a big fight happens so that way the fight feels weighty and meaningful. That way you can also avoid making it feel like you are just pulling new powers out of a hat whenever you write yourself into a corner.
Also, for the links I'm not suggesting you remove them. Just do this for example.
I picked up the guitar and began to play.
Adding a link into the story itself feels a little more natural, but what doesn't feel natural is seeing this pop up in the middle of the story.
Lukasz Kapuscinski - Ode to the Fallen (by Adrian von Ziegler) - Celtic Guitar Music
Its a small addition, but anything an author can do to keep the reader into the story, and in the universe is a good thing. You want them invested, you want them to lose themself in the story, but if they get reminded suddenly that your story isn't real, the illusion is broken, so making those moments infrequent and less obtrusive is good.
hard to say if its going to be good but so far i have enjoy this story so far
10104656
So I already plan on explaining Talions powers in later chapters.
I have created storys before, but never for an audience, so I will do my best to do the things you suggest.
Thank you for the advice.
10104671
No problem, I enjoy helping where I can.
This chapter has loads of spelling mistakes.
In all your chapters here, except your prologue, I found more than a few spelling and grammar mistakes. You should find some kind of editor, like a person, or program.
small spelling error "Lyra" instead of Lura"
also good chapter, can't wait for more!
interesting tale so far
Uhm Pairs wasn’t taken in the First World War the fighting got close to Paris but it was never captured by the Germans.
10107212
Lol. Sorry mate. I was writing late and was tired. I forgot. Thanks for reminding me.
what wonderful story my good sir i hope you continue this because i love it.
10108002
Thank you very much.
Trust me. I have no intention of stopping.
10108358
This is good
Keep it up, this is getting good. 👍
10112898
Thanks mate. The next few chapters will continue to get interesting.
I hope you will enjoy them.