Chapter 3: A Promise
Details
*Thoughts*
~Mental speaking~
"Normal speaking"
~"Mental and normal speaking"~
Songs
... (Radio static)...
"There you go! Lift now!" I shouted over to Stone Hoof as I pulled on two ropes attached to the side of the overturned carriage.
Although I had the strength to lift the wagon by myself, doing so would have probably destroyed it, as I had no counter balance to help upright it.
So here I was lifting it with ease as Stone Hoof helped guide it up.
Soon we had it standing up and Stone Hoof made sure it wouldn't fall over again. As soon as it was in place, I let go of the ropes and walked over to Stone Hoof.
"Thanks for the help! I don't know how I would have got the wagon back up alone." Stone Hoof said as I helped check the wagon.
I smiled as I responded.
"It's no problem Stone Hoof. I'm happy to help."
He laughed before saying,
"Come on now. I told you to just call me Stone. Using my full name makes me sound old."
"But you are old dad."
We both turned to see Iron Hoof coming our way.
His mother, Lura, had cleaned him up of the dirt and blood from earlier this morning.
Stone Hoof replied to his son.
"I can still dream can't I?"
Iron Hoof laughed a bit at his dad.
"You know, I thought you were suppose to be helping your mother clean up our things." Stone told Iron Hoof.
"I did. We finished!" Iron Hoof replied excitingly.
Just as he told us, we saw Lura come over smiling, holding a bag in one of her arms. She too had cleaned herself up.
"So are you two boys done playing around or can we finally get everything back into the wagon?" She said to her husband.
"I'll have you know woman," Stone started putting on a sad drama act.
"We... poor unfortunate souls have been laboring away our blood sweat and tears, to fix this heavy wagon that will carry our lives through these lands." He slipped one of his arms around his wife and pulled her close to him while continuing.
"My body, though deprived of energy, presses on for my sweet love. Who I would honor a kiss, for strength and persistence to endure her husband's suffering."
Finishing his little speech, he leaned in for a kiss as Lura chuckle.
"I bet you would." She said before slipping out of his embrace and walking over to their wagon.
Stone Hoof gasped and spoke in a shocked voice.
"My own wife. She has forsaken me!?" He dramatically dropped to his knees and continued.
"Is there no haven, no refuge of which a stallion shall build his castle of hope on?" He then looked to his side at Iron Hoof, then looked to me and said,
"Oh but my son. My precious boy. I know in my heart I will always have him by my side and that I can always count on him to never abandon me." He reached over to grab his son, only to find him standing next to his mom, smiling.
Seeing this, he then put his hands over his chest.
"No... My own son too has left me to fend against the wolves of work and labor alone.
Must I slave away day and night, rain or shine, to provide for my loved ones without aid?"
"If you want dinner tonight, you will." Lura answered.
"Alright then." He quickly dropped the act and stood up.
Iron Hoof and I laughed and applauded his performance while he graciously bowed, and thanked us.
"Oh please. Don't encourage him boys. He got enough of that back in Durasund." Lura shouted over to us.
Stone Hoof then got up and walked over to me.
"What a mare. I think she loves me." He laughed and went over to his wife and son.
Stone was an interesting stallion.
I had learned that he was born in a town called Birka, many miles south of Ponyville. He had moved southwest to Durasund near a place called the San Palomino Desert, for work during his young adult years and had spent nine years mining away stone from a quarry in the side of a red hill.
Although he was only a simple stone mason, he had a skill for designing stone structures.
He was hoping to improve that skill in Ponyville.
Almost fifteen years ago, he met Lura and married her one day. Eventually they had their son Iron Hoof.
When Iron Hoof reached the age of thirteen, Stone and Lura had learned they were having another child. With this revelation, Stone had decided that he wasn't going to raise a family in the scorching hot town of Durasund any longer. Eventually saving up enough money, he purchased a chunk of land on the outskirts of Ponyville.
Now he was moving his family from the desert side town of Durasund, to Ponyville.
Lura was a kind mare. She was an artist pony, born in Durasund and had spent her entire life in the hot town.
When she had met Stone Hoof, she had instantly taken interested in him since he wasn't from around Durasund.
After Stone and Lura were married and had a child together, with a second one on its way, Lura was very excited to move to Ponyville. Not just to provide a better life for her children, away from the industrial town of Durasund, but to finally be able to explore the world outside her home town.
Even though I had refused to give any personal information in return for theirs, they simply accepted it. Yet still knowing next to nothing about me, they still treat me like an old friend. Perhaps it was because I had saved their lives. Or maybe people here were just that friendly.
Never the less, they were all very grateful for my help. And I was happy to offer it.
They had even offered me a reward for saving them, but I had simply told them,
"I have no need for idle treasures. But let's just say for time being, your company shall be my payment."
In staying with them for a while, I will be able to learn more about this magical world.
They were all happy to welcome my company and my protection on their journey. Little Iron Hoof more so than his parents seemed to enjoy my company.
It would seem that it was just their luck that I had gotten lost in the woods. Somehow I had ended up going west towards them instead of north.
But now I had the company of a pony family who could give me more information about these lands.
"Talion, you coming?" I pushed those thoughts to the back of my head as Stone Hoof called me over.
We then started loading what few belongings they had brought with them, back into the wagon. They had lost a few things, but nothing that couldn't be replaced.
It was already past mid day when we had finished. Stone Hoof was helping his wife onto the carriage while I strapped the last box down.
"Why do you wear those black cloths?" Asked a curious Iron Hoof, who was sitting on the wagons edge staring at me.
"So I can travel in the shadows unseen by my enemies." I answered.
I moved to sit next to him and continued.
"But I can tell you have a different question for me, other than my choice of fashion."
He looked down for a second before speaking again.
"When I saw you fighting those timber wolves to save us, you killed them when they attacked you. But when they stopped, you let them go." He paused to look back up at me.
"Why didn't you kill the rest of them when they could still hurt sompony else?" He asked me.
I looked down at him and answered.
"Tell me Iron Hoof. What separates men from lesser men? The strong from the weak? Predators from prey?" He didn't answer so I continued.
"Fear, Iron Hoof. Predators smell it, but walk away when they don't. When I engaged the timber wolves, my first objective was to secure you and your family's safety.
My second, was to neutralize any hostile who posed a threat to your safety.
And my third, was to secure that safety. How I went about doing so, was to break the timber wolves spirits and drive them off." I stood up before continuing with his gaze never leaving me.
"What I'm saying is, when the timber wolves no longer posed any threat, there was no more need for their deaths."
He frowned before slightly shouting.
"But they almost killed me and my family! They're monsters and they deserved to die!"
I knelt in front of him at his eye level before speaking in a calm voice.
"No Iron Hoof. They are not monsters. Nor did they deserve to die."
He looked at me in shock, then curiosity.
"What do you mean? Why?" He asked me.
"Because they are just animals Iron Hoof. They attacked your family out of instinct for food and survival. Not hate. They do not feel emotion. Only instinct, because they are just animals." I explained and looked Iron Hoof in the eyes as I continued.
"Remember this Iron Hoof. Animals are not monsters. Monsters are people. And that is what's truly scary about them. Yes Iron Hoof. I killed many of them, but I only killed out of need. Not want.
If ever there is a way to solve conflict peacefully, then I will fight for it." I finished and stood back up.
"You will? Every fight?" He asked.
I smilled at him.
"Of course... I made a promise to fight for peace. Always." He stared at me in amazement as I finished.
"Now come on up to the front. I think we're ready to leave."
As we made our way to the front of the wagon, I thought about these ponies.
A few things had surprised me about these Equestrians. Stone and Lura, had told me earlier about the four different types of ponies that exist.
There are Pegasus, who can fly and manipulate the weather.
They were also the figures I had seen flying in the storm above us.
Unicorns who can use magic. Something I will need to study.
Earth ponies, like Stone, Lura and Iron Hoof, who tend the land and posses incredible strength.
As demonstrated with Stone Hoof as he pulled the wagon while wearing a harness around his torso.
And lastly alicorns, who have all the traits of the others.
As we set off, I checked the wagon to make sure it was stable.
Lura and Iron Hoof were riding on the wagon while I walked along side them.
"So tell me Talion, do you know any good traveling songs to lighten up the mood?" Asked Stone Hoof.
"I do, but most of them require instruments." I replied.
"Any that you can sing?" Iron Hoof asked.
"Not particularly." I replied.
He then went into the back of the wagon and came back out with a six stringed acoustic guitar. It looked to be in good condition. but probably hasn't been played for awhile.
"My grandfather gave this to me when we left Durasund. Can you play it?" He asked me.
"I can." I said with a smile and took it. I began plucking a few strings and tuning it.
"Is your grandfather a guitarist?"
"He is. One of the best in Durasund. He was never really fond of us leaving home, but he did give us his blessing and his first guitar as a fair well gift." Lura answered.
Looking back to said instrument, I began thinking of a few songs to play.
I can barely remember the last time I played a guitar.
I browsed through the songs before choosing one to play.
They all seemed to listen to my song intensively as I played the instrument.
Like they were in a trance. In fact, the whole forest around us seemed to have gone silent to listen in as well.
It was a strange feeling.
We traveled east for awhile, but time seemed to have passed faster while I was playing music.
As soon as I finished, Stone Lura and Iron Hoof, applauded and asked for more. So I continued to play for them as we continued up the road.
Eventually the sun had begun to set behind the mountains and the clouds started to rain on us.
So Stone Hoof pulled the wagon to the side of the road and extended its flaps to make a large tent.
Lura and Iron Hoof had started preparing dinner while I collected additional wood for the fire.
I had also decided to keep my sword with me while traveling with the Hoof family, should something else in this forest attempt to attack them.
As I reached down to pick up another log, a pair of dog tags fell out of my coat pocket.
In the blink of an eye, I dropped all the wood I had gathered and caught the tags before they could even touch the ground.
I stood still holding the tags in an iron grip.
Eventually I relaxed and opened my hand to look at the dog tags.
Drust
Talion R.
123 - 45 - 6789
RH - NULL
Christian
Drust
Aden B.
123 - 45 - 6789
O - NEG
Christian
I quickly put them back in my coat.
Leaning down, I picked up the logs I dropped and went back to camp.
When I got back, Stone was just finishing up the tent, while Lura and Iron Hoof were cooking a delicious smelling stew.
I put the logs down in a pile before sitting next to the fire. I then pulled my sword from its scabbard and began sharpening it with a wet stone.
Iron Hoof came over and sat next to me, while admiring the blade.
"How do you wield such a massive sword?" He asked me.
"With honor and Justice." I answered with a smile.
Stone came over and sat on a log of his own as he watched his wife cook, but listen in on the conversation.
I looked at Iron Hoof.
"You know, I can tell you have been wanting to ask me something."
"Well... When You killed the wolves to save us, I saw how you fought them. Every time you swung your sword, you killed them in that one swing. None of them even touched you." He stared up at me.
"How did you do it? How do you fight your enemies?"
So that's why Iron Hoof is asking me so many questions.
He was interested in fighting and wanted to learn about it.
I looked over to Stone for permission and he nodded to me, so I turned back to face Iron Hoof and begun explaining.
"When I first face an enemy I know nothing about, I treat it as if it could kill me. I let them attack me first while defensively holding my ground.
I do this to study my opponent. Learning their strategy, locating its flaws and weaknesses. Then I use those flaws and weaknesses against my opponent. Swiftly and precisely, until the threat is neutralized.
The timber wolves strategy of attack is to primarily leap at their prey first. However, in doing so, they leave themselves open to attacks with no way to dodge. I used that opening to kill them." I paused to put my sword away.
"So when in combat, know your enemy. Do not underestimate them. Be patient and study their strategy.
When you attack, do not stop until your enemy is defeated or dead and never give your enemy a chance to fight back. It can cost you greatly if you do.
When you cannot defeat your enemy directly, use his lack of knowledge as your advantage.
When you are far, make them think that you are near. When you are near, make them think that you are far. Attack when you're least expected to and hold your hand when you are most expected." I threw a few logs into the fire as I continued.
"It comes down to this Iron Hoof, when it is your life and others that are on the line, you must do everything in your power to stop that threat. No matter what." I finished explaining and looked back at him. He had listened to everything I had said.
"You... You're a soldier aren't you?" Stone Hoof asked me.
I let out a sigh before answering.
"I was... A very long time ago."
"What happened?" Iron Hoof asked next.
..."Talion, Do you read?"
I looked down and answered.
"War... War happened." I looked over to Stone and Iron Hoof while smiling.
"It's okay. The war is over and I am a free man. Free to explore this new land."
Stone looked at me with sudden shock.
"New land? You mean you had never been to Ponyville before? I was under the impression that you were leading us there."
I was a little shocked at hearing this.
"I was under the same impression about you, Stone. You purchased land up there so I would have assumed you've been to Ponyville."
We stared at each other before bursting into laughter.
Lura walked over with a few bowls of stew.
"Does this mean we're lost Stone?"
He paused his laughing long enough to answer.
"What? No, no. We've been following a straight path. I'm sure that we're still on our way to Ponyville." He told her while grabbing a bowl from her.
I suddenly ceased my laughing at hearing this.
"Wait. We passed a cross road over nine hours ago. Did we even take the path to Ponyville?"
"Uh... Did we take the north path?" Stone asked.
"We're still going east." I told him.
"Oh." He simply responded.
"AHAHAHAHAHAH!"
We both watched Lura and Iron Hoof laugh at Stone's misfortune.
"Were you all really paying that much attention to my music?" I asked them as I grabbed a bowl of stew from Lura."
"It was really beautiful music." Lura said sitting next to her husband.
"Thank you." I said to her.
"Well, it looks like we'll have a longer journey tomorrow." Stone commented before eating.
I smirked and looked into the roaring fire.
"So it would seem."
After dinner and cleaning up, Lura went to tuck Iron Hoof in for the night and prepare herself for bed.
We said goodnight.
Stone was sitting by the fire while cleaning a few of his tools.
I had decided to sit at the edge of the camp with my back to it, while I played the guitar Iron Hoof let me barrow.
As the last string was plucked, I looked at my hands for a bit before reaching into my coat.
I pulled out the dog tags from earlier and held them both in my hands as I slowly looked up.
A battlefield laid before me in a snowy forest with bodies laying in trenches flooded with mud and blood.
I stood surrounded by my allies and friends as snow slowly fell around us.
I just stood still, gazing out into the woods.
"Talion?"
"Talion?"
Hearing someone call my name, I was snapped out of my trance and looked to my side, to see my new CO walking towards me.
I quickly saluted, acknowledging him.
"Sir." I greeted him.
"Edwards." He saluted back.
"Come on. You'll miss all the fun."
While we walked through the camp towards our destination, I looked around as soldiers walked passed us.
A few soldiers were unloading boxes of ammo from a truck to my left. Looking to my right, a row of M4A2 tanks drove pass the forward defensives.
Behind said defensives was a line of four M1A1 and M2 Long Toms, being loaded with 155mm shells.
An officer began to give orders to the men operating them.
"All artillery, FIRE!"
Four deafening explosions sounded one after the other as the artillery fired their payload.
Me and Edwards then had to stop for a truck carrying wounded.
As it passed by, I looked at the nearly dead soldiers laying in it. A few of them looked back at me and I saw death in their eyes.
"Talion, I'm not going to call you again." Edwards called out a bit ahead of me.
I rushed back to his side as he started talking.
"So I've been looking at your papers lately and I must say you are quite an interesting individual.
A very important one too I imagine. Especially considering that the higher ups want me to write an extremely well detailed report on all of your performances in my squad."
I kept looking straight as I spoke.
"Don't worry about me sir. I'm willing to do my duty for America."
"I have no doubt about that, Talion. But it's how you get your missions done that concerns me. Grab those would you." He gestured to a box of grenades.
"But let me tell you something Talion." He started as he stood in front of me. "We here, we're a team. Which means we watch each other's backs. Fight together and get the mission done as a team.
You're one of us now. So you'll do well to leave that lone wolf stuff behind and remember who your allies are. Understand?"
"Yes sir." I answered with a straight face.
"Good. Now, come and meet the rest of the team. Your new family." He said and continued on.
We walked over to a small group of men sitting around a camp fire.
"Found our new infiltrator boys." Edwards shouted over to the group of four men.
I walked up to meet them after putting the box of grenades down.
"Talion Drust." I introduced myself.
One of them stood up and welcomed me.
"Welcome to the team." He gestured to his friends and introduced them.
"This is Brian Parish, our radio man.
Gregory Lorne, our demo.
Marcus Shade, our sniper.
And you've already met Edwards Bishop, our intelligence officer." He shook my hand before introducing himself.
"I'm Jacob Yanks. Team medic. I've heard a lot about you on the field from many of the survivors out there. Glad to have you with us."
"Oh, of course you would be, Jacob." Gregory spoke up.
"We've got the most dangerous man on our team to lead us through enemy territory. Are we in safe hands or what boys!?"
Before any of us could respond, Edwards stepped in.
"Settle down Greg. We're all in this together. Now everyone listen up." He rolled open a map on a wood table and continued.
"Now, our mission is to sneak behind the enemy lines and get across the river, here." He pointed to a location on the map.
"From there, we catch a ride to their base and take out their radio communication towers. Then we will be able to make our way to the town and destroy their artillery and ammo supplies.
With no air or artillery support, our boys at the front will be able to push through their lines.
Now." He reached down to pick up a box.
"Here's your new uniforms men."
He started handing us the uniforms while I studied the German outfit.
Edwards then turned to me.
"Here, grab a helmet and get dressed. We only have a quarter on the clock to move on out."
I nodded and went over to a small tent to get dressed.
After getting in our disguises, checking our weapons and gear, Edwards stepped in front of us again.
"When we get behind the Nazi and Russian lines we will not be stopping for anything. Our boys at the front need that enemy air and artillery down to push through to the river and town.
Everyone understand?"
"Yes sir." We answered and he continued.
"Now everyone remember your jobs, watch over each other and pray to God to see us through this.
We'll get through this together, right boys?"
"Sir yes sir!" We all shouted together.
As I stood up, I dropped my dog tags.
Leaning down, I picked them up and examined them.
"Talion?"
"Talion?"
Someone shook me out of my trance.
I quickly looked up to see Stone Hoof standing next to me with a look of concern on his face.
"You had me worried there for a second. Are you alright?"
"Ya... Yes I'm okay." I answered him.
He didn't look convinced, but didn't press it further. Instead he moved to sit next to me.
"You know, my son Iron Hoof has always been interested in fighting. Sometimes he would talk to the guards back in Durasund about different types of fighting techniques. He would also more than often get into fights at school, defending other kids from bullies."
"Did he win any?" I asked.
"Every single one." He answered with a pride filled smile.
We both shared a laugh before Stone continued.
"Ever since he met you, he has been asking you about fighting. Back in Durasund, that was all he asked the soldiers and that was all they ever taught him. But you however, you teach him so much more." He paused to look up at me.
"You not only teach him how to fight, but you also teach him moral values to fighting. If fighting is his true talent and he wants to learn it, then I will not stop him from pursuing it... But I do pray that he will take your lessons to heart."
I smiled and looked up into the forest.
"You need not worry Stone... He already has."
He looked at me in confusion.
"How do you know?"
"Just a feeling." I replied.
Stone smiled an looked up at the stars.
"Well, that's good... Thank you Talion."
I nodded, as I picked the guitar back up and started playing the night away.
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Thank you everyone for the short wait. The next chapter is out and I hope you all enjoy it!
Tell me what you all think and feel free to ask any questions.
Thank you all for supporting me!
nice pacing
no spelling errors
great intro for Talion
nice storytelling
This is still incredibly messy and downright difficult to read, so I'll give you a few tips. One, this will help.
Two. Stories arent comic books, you cant say Boom! POW!
Describe what happens with your words, dont just put something in bold, that works for visual mediums, not written ones. Instead of boom, say "A sudden deafening explosion knocked our hero to the ground, the sheer volume making his ears ring, and sent his whole world spinning."
When someone speaks it should be structured like this.
"Hi, hows it going." Dave welcomed.
Not like this.
Dave said.
"Hi, hows it going?"
Paragraphs have one space between them, look above. All paragraphs should have a space between them otherwise it looks messy, and terrible if that is not the case. Also for some reason you have all diologue in italics which is bad for several reasons. One, its just ugly, two, it takes a tool out of the writers toolbox. For example.
"I dont want to talk to her." Jeff spat.
And
"I dont want to talk to her." Jeff spat.
Both have a different feel to them, note how the first line puts emphasis on the her, making it feel angry. While in the second one it feels slightly more neutral.
You also add line breaks in the middle of someone talking which looks downright awful, and reads like garbage. That kind of style is used pretty much exclusively for poetry and does not work if its just a random line of dialogue.
Links within the story are not terrible, but they are very, very jarring when done poorly, like in this story. Reading something like this and then seeing "Starboy by the white stripes" Suddenly pop up rips you right out of the story. Try adding a simple link in the author's notes, or by adding the link directly into the story so you dont pull your reader right out of said story.
One last thing. Numbers should always be written out like four, not 4. Again, this is a written medium, not a comic book.
There is more, but I wont bother with them. It also seems like you have not read a normal book or story before, so I'd advise you do that. See what other writers do, and see how clean, and easy their stories read and then copy that.
10104508
Ok now. I fixed some of the errors. The links will stay the same though. You can always just skip the songs and play them later if you want.
I will continue editing this story.
But for now, can I hear something else from you? Like how do you like the storytelling?
I mean you haven't commented about that yet.
I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but I would like to hear something else other than constant telling me how to fix things.
10104615
It's not bad per say, but the errors drag down the story to the point that its hard to even push through it all to keep going.
Your dialogue needs work, as right now it feels a little janky as well as slanted, and unnatural. Tallion randomly dumping a chunk of his backstory and giving that little spiel about his sword felt forced, and strange.
Also, you should also either explain the MC's powers in a little more detail sometime. A good thing to keep in mind when writing these stories is that not everyone will know who Tallion is, and what all of his abilities are. Plus, the world that he's in might change those abilities, and you may wish to omit some as it may be confusing. A good rule to follow is to always treat the audience as if they know nothing. You don't always have to explain everything mind you, as mystery is good, but you should slowly reveal more and more so that way your audience has a decent understanding of his strengths and weaknesses before a big fight happens so that way the fight feels weighty and meaningful. That way you can also avoid making it feel like you are just pulling new powers out of a hat whenever you write yourself into a corner.
Also, for the links I'm not suggesting you remove them. Just do this for example.
I picked up the guitar and began to play.
Adding a link into the story itself feels a little more natural, but what doesn't feel natural is seeing this pop up in the middle of the story.
Lukasz Kapuscinski - Ode to the Fallen (by Adrian von Ziegler) - Celtic Guitar Music
Its a small addition, but anything an author can do to keep the reader into the story, and in the universe is a good thing. You want them invested, you want them to lose themself in the story, but if they get reminded suddenly that your story isn't real, the illusion is broken, so making those moments infrequent and less obtrusive is good.
hard to say if its going to be good but so far i have enjoy this story so far
10104656
So I already plan on explaining Talions powers in later chapters.
I have created storys before, but never for an audience, so I will do my best to do the things you suggest.
Thank you for the advice.
10104671
No problem, I enjoy helping where I can.
In all your chapters here, except your prologue, I found more than a few spelling and grammar mistakes. You should find some kind of editor, like a person, or program.
small spelling error "Lyra" instead of Lura"
also good chapter, can't wait for more!
interesting tale so far
I don't know much about how dogtags work, so I'm wondering what does "O POS" mean, and it is very, VERY, suspicious that the character's name is exactly Talion - Talion R. Durst - of all things... I feel like Talion's spirit was reincarnated into Earth here.
Also who's the other Durst - Aden B. Durst? A brother? Father? Grandfather? Relative/Cousin?
Lot of backstory here for this character, but an interesting one.
10135470
O Pos is your blood type so if your wounded the medics know what blood to give if you need a blood transfusion. Granted, lotta people have different blood types so it could say O negative, or whatever your type is. Also, I'm guessing the second tag is his brothers.
My man Darius. I see you.
10479630
Is nice.
Nice
memegenerator.net/img/instances/80534992/heck-yeah.jpg
